Doctor Who Silly Stories
by cheri1
Summary: A collection of silly stories and vignettes starring our favorite tenth Doctor and his traveling companion, Rose. Also with Jack and Ianto. Mainly T with M rating for some chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

Rose settled down on the couch in the den and clicked on the TV. She went through the channels until she found a chat show and then slumped down in the soft, comfortable couch to watch. She picked up a bowl of crisps and began to munch on them while she listened to some purple-skinned woman from Halitosis Minor griping to the host, a huge, turtle woman, about her love life. The Doctor got channels from all over the universe, and it was interesting to watch some of the shows from other planets on occasion. The more she watched them, the more she realized how much in common Earth had with other planets.

"So," the turtle woman was saying. "What you are saying, Meepzot, is your lifemate, Bangalore, hasn't provided you with a sperm sac in nearly three sun cycles?"

The woman wept.

"That's right, Juju, my lifemate has been unfaithful to me. He's been giving his sperm sac to his secretary, Ulizon."

"Who is, of course, a Frazzle?"

"Yes."

Rose munched on a crisp. She didn't understand what the hell they were talking about, but it was entertaining to watch.

"And you suspect that Ulizon might now be carrying your lifemate's offspring in her throat?" Juju asked.

"Yes, they are due to come out of her throat any day now!" Meepzot said, weeping.

"Well, then, let's bring Ulizon out here to explain herself! Here is Ulizon!"

The audience booed, as a woman with shiny, blue skin, a bird beak, and a bulging throat came out and made her way to the stage. Meepzot let out an enraged scream and leapt out of her chair towards her.

"YOU ROLIOS, I WILL KILL YOU FOR TAKING MY LIFEMATE'S SPERM SAC!" she screamed at her.

Rose munched on another crisp, her eyes glued to the screen. She watched, as the two aliens scuffled with each other, while several huge, beetle security guards tried to separate them.

"BANGALORE IS MY LIFEMATE! HE PROCREATES ONLY WITH ME!" Meepzot was screaming at her. "YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO TAKE HIS SPERM SAC!"

Rose gasped when she suddenly heard the Doctor's screams over the catfight on the telly.

"Doctor!" Rose said, leaping from the couch.

Crisps spilled out all over the floor, as she rushed to help the Doctor.

"I'm coming, Doctor!" Rose screamed, as she ran towards the console room.

She reached the console room and saw the Doctor standing by the console screaming his lungs out. Rose looked all around for the source of the trouble, but she couldn't see any.

"Doctor!" she screamed, running up to him.

"Oh, there you are," the Doctor said, silencing his screams when he noticed her.

Rose looked all around her.

"What? What is it? What's going on?"

"Nothing," the Doctor said.

Rose stared at him.

"Nothing? Nothing is happening?"

"Nope, nothing at all."

"Then…why were you screaming like a bleedin' banshee?"

"Because, Rose, I wanted you to come to the console room, pronto," the Doctor replied. "I don't have the time, nor the inclination to go hunting all over the TARDIS for you, and if I called for you using your name, A, you would probably be listening to your IPod and wouldn't hear me and B, you would take your sweet time getting to me. Screaming like a banshee, as you put it, guarantees you will hear me and get to me in a prompt and timely manner."

"Okay, so why did I need to get here in a prompt and timely manner then?"

"I'm bored stiff, Rose, I need you to entertain me."

Rose gave him a long, hard look.

"You…are bored."

"Yes, I'm bored, and I don't want to do all my usual diversions, so I thought you might be able to provide me with some cheap entertainment. That is one of your roles as my companion, you know."

"No, I didn't know."

"Well, it is, there are three main functions you have on board this TARDIS. You are my traveling companion, hand holder, and source of amusement. These functions were laid out in the companion manual you received when you first started to travel with me."

"I never received any bloody manual."

The Doctor frowned.

"You didn't?"

"No."

"Did you watch the training film?"

"Um…no."

"Did I give you the tour?"

"No, Doctor."

"Blimey, I was awfully remiss, wasn't I," he muttered. "Well, did you at least receive your complementary companion coffee cup, and balloon?"

"No."

"Wow, I didn't even give you the coffee cup and balloon, my mind really must be going," he said. "Well, tell you what, you sit here and watch the training film while I go find a game for us to play or something. I realize it comes almost two years too late, but better late than never. So, you just sit here and watch, and I'll be back after I rustle up a game of some sort."

He punched in a command, and a little movie started on his monitor. He pointed it out to Rose and walked off, whistling, while Rose watched. She saw the Doctor standing in the console room in front of a blackboard.

"Welcome, companion, to my TARDIS," the Doctor said cheerfully. "It's nice to have you aboard. First off, let me thank you for saving my life in some form or fashion since that is the reason you have probably been selected to travel with yours truly. Good job rescuing me from the Daleks, or Cybermen, or Sontarans, or Omega, or the Rani, or the Master, or the Mara, or…"

The words, INSERT OTHER VILLAIN OR MONSTER'S NAME HERE, flashed on the screen for a moment. Once the words went off the screen, the Doctor cleared his throat and turned to the blackboard.

"Now, a few basics. This is the…"

He wrote on the blackboard as he talked.

"T…A…R…D…I…S. TARDIS. Stands for…Time…and…Relative…Dimension…in…Space. It is a…time…machine."

He stopped writing and looked back at the camera.

"Now, I'm sure you didn't realize that time travel was even possible. Or…maybe you did…after all, you are probably most likely human and not likely to believe in that sort of thing, but on the other hand, you could just as likely be a Trakkenite or an Alzarian or a Gallifreyan or a Trion or a Kikipoopi, or a Janglang or a…"

The Doctor made a bunch of clicking and buzzing noises.

"…or a great, big, gelatinous blob of goo. And if you are a big, blob of goo, well done, since I really can't imagine how you saved me without any arms and legs, but if you did, then you are special like all my other companions."

The Doctor turned back to the board, wrote the word, 'special' on it, and turned back.

"Yes, that's right, you, loyal companion…or companions, if there are more than one of you, are special. That is why you have been chosen to travel with me…"

He wrote the words, the Doctor, just the Doctor, on the board and turned back around.

"That's right, I am the Doctor, just…the Doctor, no calling me cutesy nicknames or pet names, that is right out!"

He turned, wrote the word, Professor, on the board, and then violently scribbled it out. He turned back around.

"And no variations on my name either, like Doc, Doccy-poo, Doctor-doodle-doo, or whatever your mind comes up with. I am called the Doctor, and I will answer only to that. Occasionally, when I'm in the mood, I will answer to Mister Brilliant Alien Man, but other than that, nicknames are right out!"

Rose rolled her eyes.

"Now, a few ground rules. Number one…NO WANDERING OFF! You got that? I hate wandering off because then I have to go find you and possibly rescue you, which takes me away from the problem I had been concentrating on up until that moment. When I say stay put, you will stay put! I do not have a stuttering problem, and I'm pretty sure you can understand me perfectly, so get it through your skull! Do not wander off if I tell you not to do so!"

Rose flipped off the monitor.

"Number two…I will not tolerate betrayal! The only time I will excuse betrayal is if you are being controlled by some other being, but other than that, you will not double-cross me in any way, shape, or form. If I find you doing something along the lines of installing a door in your head that allows you to steal vital information from the future for your own uses, which allows the villain to read your brain and find out everything about me, I guarantee you will live to regret it. I am the Oncoming Storm and I will not be made a fool of! I brought you on board my ship because I trusted you implicitly. So, don't you dare make a mockery of my judgment, because if you do, there will be severe ass kicking up and down the TARDIS corridors, and believe me, there are many, many corridors in here!"

"Gee, Doctor, I wonder who you had in mind when you were thinking of betrayal then?" she muttered.

"Number Three…You are allowed to go anywhere in this ship…EXCEPT THE ATTIC! You are not to go up in the attic under any circumstances. There are nasty, horrible things in the attic that will drive you insane if you even so much as glance at them, not to mention I haven't cleaned it in centuries, and I'm sure there are dust bunnies the size of beemers up there. So, no going up into the attic!"

"Well gee, Doctor, I didn't want to go up there until you said something, but now…"

"Number Four…you, as a companion, have basic duties that must be carried out in exchange for room, board, and the privilege of traveling with moi. First off, your main duty is to travel with me and support me. I am the leader here, and you are the follower. You will not upstage me, usurp me, or cause me embarrassment. Any brilliant idea you have automatically becomes my idea that I thought of first, and if there is trouble, you are expected to scream out, I WILL SAVE YOU, DOCTOR, and sacrifice yourself for me. I expect unquestioning loyalty from you. You will be expected to withstand torture and not blurt out vital information the moment someone touches a feather to your big toe. In addition to being my sounding board and all-purpose body shield, you will be expected to tidy up after yourself. I run a ship-shape ship, and I don't like to run in the door and fall flat on my face after tripping over your misplaced roller skate. If I find myself in a situation such as the one I just described, you will find yourself in A and E explaining to the surgeons why they have to surgically remove a roller skate from your anus. Number Five…last, but not least, you are expecting to provide me with hours of cheap amusement. I do not have any money on my person, which means most of the time I must amuse myself, but even someone as brilliant as me runs out of ways to have fun, which is where you come in. You will function as a sort of TARDIS court jester who will make me laugh, in return for that room and board I mentioned earlier. I not only bring you lot on for companionship, I also bring you on for a few giggles, and if I do not giggle, you will not eat. So, keep that in mind, because one day, out of the blue, I may scream for you to come and entertain me."

He sighed and put his hands behind his back.

"And that, faithful companion, is the basics. I, of course, will fill you in on other things when I see the need to do so, but for the moment, your function is to travel with me, sacrifice yourself for my safety, and make me laugh. Do these three things and we'll get along just fine. Once again, I welcome you to the wonderful world of time travel. I hope you stay awhile and please, don't get killed…especially not in the TARDIS because it makes a bit of a mess that I'll have to clean up. But, anyway, good luck and good traveling!"

The screen faded to black, and Rose saw a little animated TARDIS traveling around it.

"This has been a production of TARDIS training films limited," she heard the Doctor say in a deep voice, as the TARDIS continued to spin around the screen.

The screen faded to black again, and the movie ended.

"Well?"

Rose looked around at the Doctor who was standing behind her holding a chess set in his hands.

"How long ago did you make this so-called training film, because that was you talking in it."

"Oh, I make a new one every regeneration," the Doctor said, walking up beside her. "It looks weird, if I'm playing the training film and one of my old lives is talking. It's too confusing. Plus, it allows me to update old information."

"You don't really expect me to believe that was real," Rose said.

The Doctor stared at her in disbelief.

"Well, of course it was real! What do you take me for, some bored git who just makes up films to show to his companion for shits and giggles? Don't be absurd. Everything I tell you is important, except for the stuff that isn't. Now, come play chess with me."

Rose sighed and stood up. She followed the Doctor, as he walked out of the console room.

"So, what is in the attic, then?"

The Doctor jerked his head around.

"Nothing that concerns you! Didn't you hear me warn you not to go up there?"

"Yeah, and I didn't give a damn about it until you said not to go up there. Now I'm curious! What's up there?"

"Nothing."

"Doctor…"

"Nothing! There is nothing up there," the Doctor said stopping and looking at her. "So, don't go up there, or you will live to regret it!"

"Well, in future, leave that out of your training film because now I'm curious about what's in it. You just defeated your own rule about not going up there by mentioning it."

"Well, that's because you are a trouble magnet. You'd stick your head in a cannon, if you thought something was inside."

"Excuse me?"

The Doctor looked around and saw Rose giving him a look of death.

"I'm a what, now?" she said, folding her arms over her chest.

"A trouble magnet?"

Rose eyed him.

"Well, you have to admit you do get into trouble a lot."

"And you don't, huh?"

"Weeell, when I get into trouble, it's more me stumbling into it. I don't deliberately go out and find some like you…do."

He gulped when Rose's eyes narrowed.

"Course, I could be generalizing a bit, cause I'm sure you don't always go looking for trouble, and I guess sometimes I do go looking for trouble a wee bit, so I guess it's wrong to assume that you deliberately want to go get yourself killed and…"

He grunted when Rose grabbed the chess set out of his hands and smacked him on the head with it.

"I'll be in the den looking for trouble," she said, walking off. "You go ahead and play chess with the TARDIS; maybe she can be your court jester for awhile!"

The Doctor sighed while he watched Rose walk back towards the den.

"Geez, woman has no sense of humor." He muttered to himself, as he reached down to pick up the chess set.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

(Now a little interlude…)

Rose sat on the couch in the den quietly watching the television. She looked up when the Doctor came into the room.

"Rose, I need your help," he said.

"Yeah? With what?"

The Doctor reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out his psychic paper.

"I think my psychic paper's on the fritz. Can you look at it and tell me what it says?"

He opened it up and held it in front of Rose's face. She looked at it.

"Um, it says, The Doctor in big, bold letters across the top and Official Knicker Inspector underneath it and underneath that is a picture of your face, and you have an evil grin on your face and a randy look in your eyes."

"Oh good, I guess it is working then," the Doctor said, putting the psychic paper back in his pocket. "I guess it was just my imagination then. Thanks, Rose."

Rose rolled his eyes when he ran out of the room laughing insanely.

(End interlude…)

"Oh, it's so good to see you, Jack," Rose said, hugging him, when he came on board the TARDIS.

"Good to see you too, Rose, both of you," he added, smiling at the Doctor.

Rose went over and hugged Ianto.

"And it's good to see you too, Ianto," she said.

"Yeah, you too, Rose, I'm glad the Doctor is letting us travel with him for our holiday. It'll be nice to take a break from Torchwood for awhile."

"Hey, anytime you guys need a break, you are always welcome here," the Doctor said, smiling.

He closed the door.

"Make yourselves at home, while I get the TARDIS into the vortex," he said, walking back to the console.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I'm so glad you like playing pool, Ianto," Rose said, watching him aiming his pool cue.

"Well, Jack and I like to play," Ianto said. "Actually, I've become quite good at it, which angers him since he likes to win at everything."

He smiled when the six ball went into the side pocket.

"Yeah, the Doctor's the same way. If I beat him at anything, he acts like it's the end of the world or something."

Ianto aimed his cue at another ball. Just then, the Doctor and Jack entered the rec room. Rose and Ianto stared at the bras they were wearing on their heads.

"Doctor, what the hell are you doing with my bras?" Rose asked.

"Well, it's a funny story. Jack and I just finished watching the movie, 'Weird Science', and we were inspired by the scene where the boys try to bring a doll to life. So we thought we would try the same thing and see if we could make a companion for you."

Rose stared at him, stunned.

"You're serious."

"I'm always serious…well, most of the time anyway," he said.

Rose sighed.

"You are actually going to try to bring a sodding Barbie doll to life?"

"Well, it's a Bratz doll actually."

Rose raised her eyebrow.

"Where did you get a Bratz doll?"

She held up her hand when the Doctor started to speak.

"Never mind, I really don't wanna know," she said. "I just can't believe you would be that stupid."

"It's not stupid! We're doing it in the name of scientific inquiry. Right, Jack?"

"Right."

Ianto looked at him.

"Since when are you interested in scientific inquiry?" he asked Jack.

"Um…since now."

Ianto looked at Rose.

"I'm not going to comment on that, especially since the "scientists" are standing there with bras on their heads," he said to her.

"That was a part of the experiment," Jack said, quickly.

"Come on, Jack," the Doctor said. "Let's leave them to their game. We have scientific boundaries to break."

"Yeah, enjoy the game. The Doctor and I are going to be famous once the experiment works, and we publish our results."

Ianto and Rose looked at each other and rolled their eyes.

"I believe it was still my turn, Rose," Ianto said.

He aimed his cue, ignoring the Doctor and Jack, as they walked out of the room.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

(One hour later…)

Rose let out a whoop and pumped her fist in the air.

"Yes, I won!" she said.

Ianto smiled.

"Another game, then? I want another chance to beat you."

"Sure, but I'm betting you won't."

Ianto chuckled.

"We shall see," he said.

He reached into the pockets and started pulling out the balls.

KA-BOOM!!!!!

Both of them froze when they heard an explosion, followed by the Doctor and Jack's high pitched screams.

"DOCTOR!" Rose screamed, throwing her cue to the floor.

Both she and Ianto ran from the room and sprinted down the hallway, screaming the Doctor and Jack's names.

They turned the corner and stopped short when they saw the Doctor and Jack emerging from a smoke-filled room. Both their faces were black, their hair was smoking, and the bras has been burned to a crisp. Rose and Ianto ran up to them, as they coughed and waved the smoke away.

"Doctor?" Rose said.

The Doctor looked at her.

"Um…Rose, word of advice to you and Ianto, never try to recreate what you see in the movies."

He looked at Jack.

"Come on, let's go get a shower and put our hair out," he said to him.

"Sounds good to me," Jack coughed out.

The Doctor paused, reached up, and pulled the remains of the bra off Jack's head. He stared at it for a moment and then gave Rose a sheepish look.

"Um, I'll buy you new bras," he said.

He cleared his throat when Rose gave him a look of death, and he and Jack inched around her. They ran like mad for the showers while Rose sighed and muttered curses under her breath.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Rose sat quietly in the den watching another alien chat show. She found them strangely addicting. She was watching, as Foofoo ranted and raved to a gold robot about how she had unknowingly fell in love with an alien shapeshifting con man when suddenly the Doctor stuck his head in the door.

"There you are!" he said, walking in the room.

"Not interested, Doctor," Rose said, holding up her hand.

"Not interested in what?"

"In whatever crazy scheme you have brewing in your head right now."

"Um…well, I was going to show you something from my home world. I keep meaning to do this, but we always get busy doing something else, and it slips my mind, and I just thought since we had some downtime I could show you, but if you're watching telly, I'll skip it."

"No, wait, show me. I want to see something from Gallifrey!" Rose said quickly.

The Doctor smiled.

"Very well, Rose, then come over here by me, and I shall teach you an ancient Gallifreyan fertility dance."

"A fertility dance?"

"Yes, it's a dance that was performed back when the Pythia ruled Gallifrey."

Rose didn't know what that meant, but she was intrigued with the whole fertility dance thing, so she got up and walked over to him.

"Okay, what is this fertility dance then?"

"Ah, it's an ancient rite that has survived from the old times before Rassilon, and the rise of the Time Lords. It was passed down through the ages as a curiosity, which is why I know about it."

"Okay, so how do you do this ancient fertility dance then?"

"Well, first you raise your hands in the air and spin around in a fit of ecstasy."

He leaned back his head, opened his mouth, and spun around in a circle while he waved his arms around his head. Rose watched him for a moment and then imitated him. The Doctor paused and watched her.

"That's it," he said, nodding. "Now, the next thing you do is bend over towards the ground and spin around, waving your arms in ecstasy."

He did it, and Rose imitated him.

"Then, you lean back up and repeat the first dance move."

He did, and Rose imitated him.

"Now, that is to summon the fertility spirit into the presence of the dancers," the Doctor said. "The next thing you have to do is praise her magnificence, so you raise your arms above your head, wave them around, and chant, OLI-OLI, over and over."

He raised his arms in the air, threw back his head, and chanted, OLI-OLI. Rose watched him for a moment and then did the same. They did that for a couple of minutes and then the Doctor stopped her.

"And finally, we must lure the fertility spirit towards the area where we her to bless us with fertility. So, what you must do is bend over, close your eyes, and slap both your butt cheeks repeatedly while you chant, OLI-OLI!"

Rose stared at him.

"You had to bend over and slap your own ass?" she said.

"Yup, it's what the Pythia's worshippers did during the annual fertility festival."

"And they believed this would make them fertile?"

The Doctor shrugged.

"I guess so; I wasn't around then, so I don't know exactly how it worked. All I know is what was passed down to me from other Time Lords. So, anyway, just do as I do."

He bent over, closed his eyes, and began to slap his butt cheeks while he yelled out, OLI-OLI, at the top of his lungs. Rose hesitated for a moment and then began to do it with him. The two of them stood there in the den, bent over, slapped their butt cheeks and screamed, OLI-OLI, at the top of their lungs.

"Doctor, I feel silly!"

"Well, now you can see why Rassilon finally brought down the Pythia and took control of Gallifrey."

"I don't understand the ass slapping. I mean, what is this telling the fertility spirit, that you want her to bugger you?"

The Doctor chuckled.

"Who knows, like I said, it's all a mystery to us Time Lords. All that survived was this ritual, so keep on doing it and perhaps we'll see the fertility spirit herself."

He closed his eyes and resumed slapping his butt cheeks. Rose did the same, and both of them kept on doing it while they screamed, OLI-OLI, at the top of their lungs.

After a few minutes, Rose began to get into it. She was so into it, that at first she didn't realize that the Doctor had gone quiet. She opened her eyes, looked over, and noticed the Doctor wasn't beside her any more.

"Doctor?" she said, leaning up. "Where did you go?"

She turned around and paused when she saw the Doctor standing a few feet away. Her mouth dropped open when she saw Jack standing beside him filming her with a small camcorder.

"Keep going, Rose, I love the ass slapping!" Jack said, as the Doctor snickered. "It's extremely cute!"

Rose gave the Doctor a shocked look. He grinned.

"That's what I love about you, Rose. You're willing to go along with anything I tell you, no matter how ridiculous it…"

He was cut short when Rose let out a bloodcurdling scream. Both he, and Jack started to back away, as Rose slowly walked towards them with arms outstretched.

"Now, Rose, it was just a joke!" Jack said.

"I will kill you, Jack Harkness!" Rose growled. "I will kill you both!"

"Rose, angel, calm down, Jack and I were just doing this for a laugh, honestly."

"Kill you both!" Rose muttered, as her hands reached for their necks.

"Um, Jack, I think it's time for us to run and hide the camcorder where she'll never, ever find it," the Doctor said.

"Give…me…the…camcorder…NOW!" Rose screamed.

"Run, Jack, don't let the precious footage fall into her hands!" the Doctor screamed.

Rose screamed and lunged at Jack. He, and the Doctor quickly ducked underneath her and ran for the den door, as Rose ran after them, screaming bloody murder.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ianto was sitting in the kitchen munching on a sandwich and drinking a cup of coffee. He took a sip of coffee and read a newspaper, as he savored the taste of a perfectly made cup of java.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Ianto nearly jumped out of his seat when he heard Rose screaming at the top of her lungs. He watched in silent shock, as the Doctor barged into the kitchen holding a camcorder in his hands, followed by Jack who was letting out a series of pained yells, as Rose followed close behind smacking him repeatedly on the top of the head.

"GIVE ME THAT CAMCORDER!" Rose screamed.

Ianto turned in his chair and watched as the three people ran through the kitchen and out the other door. He sat quietly in his chair listening to Rose's screams, Jack's pained yells, and the Doctor's apologies, before he shook his head, muttered something about never getting used to life on the TARDIS as long as he lived, turned around in his chair and took a bite of his sandwich while he went back to his newspaper.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

The Doctor and Rose sat side by side on the captain's chair. Jack and Ianto were taking naps and the two of them, being bored out of their skull, had landed on a planet for a bit of exploring. They had just returned, and finding Jack and Ianto still asleep in their beds, decided to wait for them to wake in the console room. The Doctor had his feet propped up on the rim of the console relaxing his body while Rose quietly read a book.

As the Doctor stared up at the ceiling, he suddenly saw a tiny black object zoom past his eyes. He blinked, wondering if he was imaging things, but no, there it was again. He leaned up and looked all around searching for the object.

Then, he saw it. He stared at it in wonderment when it stopped and hovered right over Rose's head. It looked like a teeny weenie black spaceship. He watched, spellbound, as the teeny weenie spaceship slowly lowered itself and landed on top of Rose's head.

Rose looked up from her book when she felt something on her head. She reached up to brush it off, but the Doctor grabbed her hand.

"No, don't move a muscle," he whispered to her.

"Doctor, what's going on?"

"Shhhh."

He watched, fascinated, as a tiny hatch opened up in the side of the ship, a little ramp lowered down to Rose's head, and a teeny weenie, purple skinned alien wearing a skin-tight black outfit walked down it and onto the surface of Rose's head.

"Doctor, is there something on the top of my head?" Rose asked.

"Shhhh."

He watched, as the alien looked around Rose's head. He walked over to a hair follicle, picked it up, and examined it intently.

"Doctor, for the last time, what is going on?" Rose said.

"Um, I don't know how to tell you this, but a little alien is exploring your head."

"What?"

"Shhhhh."

The alien dropped the hair follicle, walked back into his spaceship, and emerged a moment later carrying a little flag on a metal flagpole. The Doctor stared at the flag. It had a green background and a picture of a red planet with a ring around it. The Doctor recognized it, as the planet they were currently on.

"Fascinating," the Doctor murmured.

"What is?" Rose said.

The alien walked to the center of Rose's head, paused a moment and then rammed the sharp end of the flagpole directly into Rose's scalp.

"OW!"

The Doctor slammed his hand over Rose's mouth, listening to her muffled curses while he watched the alien walk back into the spaceship.

"What the hell was that?" Rose said when he let go of her mouth.

"Um, well, apparently the alien has just claimed your head in the name of his planet," the Doctor said.

"Well, what was that sharp pain?"

"He planted a flagpole in your skull."

"He did what?"

"Shhhhh."

The Doctor heard a tiny whinny, and he saw the alien riding down the ramp on a small, white horse. He watched, as the alien rode all over Rose's head.

"Now, what's it doing?"

"Riding a horse."

"A HORSE!"

"Rose, shhhh, you'll scare him away."

"Well, if he's gonna plant more bleedin' flagpoles in my skull, then I want him to go."

The Doctor watched, as the alien surveyed his find. He paused a moment, reached into a tiny pouch, and brought out a tiny telescope. The Doctor chuckled to himself when he watched him looking around the TARDIS with it.

"Doctor, would you please get the bleedin' alien off my head and quit looking at it?"

The alien turned the horse towards the Doctor and looked up at him with the telescope. The Doctor smiled and waved. The smile fell off his face when he heard the alien let out a high-pitched scream and rode the horse back into the spaceship.

"Ah, nuts, I guess I scared the little guy," the Doctor said, sadly.

"Good, maybe the thing will leave me alone then!"

The alien emerged a moment later. It walked over to the Doctor and pointed a little laser gun at him. The Doctor raised his eyebrow when he heard the alien screaming at him in a high-pitched voice.

"Hey, don't talk to me like that!" the Doctor said to him. "You are a guest in my TARDIS, and you are currently on my companion's head. So, if I were you, I'd mind your manners and---"

He gasped when the alien fired a little laser bolt at him.

"What? What's going on?" Rose said, turning her head to look at him.

The alien screamed at the sudden shift in terrain and fled into his spaceship. The Doctor watched, as the ship flew up off Rose's head and sped away. Rose looked up and noticed it for the first time.

"Oh my God, that was on top of my head?" she said, pointing.

The Doctor stared at her, then looked at the tiny flag sticking up out of the top of her head, and bit his lip, trying to keep from laughing.

"Um, yeah, that's the little alien visitor. Apparently, he is from here. Must have flew in like a wasp when the door was open."

"Well, how are we gonna get him outside again?"

"Not sure, perhaps we can fetch a broom and kinda bat him towards the door and…"

He trailed off. He noticed the little spaceship was flying back towards them with a slightly bigger spaceship in pursuit. The Doctor and Rose watched, stunned, as the two spaceships began a mini air battle right over their heads.

"I swear to Rassilon, if these two gits damage my console, I will bring them both down and stomp them into dust," the Doctor said angrily.

The Doctor and Rose watched, as the two ships flew around the console room trading fire with each other. Then, the first spaceship landed on Rose's head.

"Oh, hell, not again," Rose muttered.

The Doctor watched, as the other ship landed next to it. Doors opened in both ships, ramps came down, and the purple alien ran out. A white skinned alien wearing a gold outfit came out of the other ship, and the Doctor watched, as the two aliens stood by the flag, arguing. The Doctor leaned in, watching, as the two aliens grabbed their laser guns, aimed them at each other's heads, and fired. His eyes widened when both aliens fell down dead.

"Now what are they doing?"

"Um…they're dead."

"What?"

"They're dead, Rose. You have two alien corpses on the top of your head now."

"So, now what? Do we have a mini alien funeral for them?"

"Well, the proper thing to do is cremate them."

"Okay, so what, we hold a match to their bodies?"

"Nah, I'll just build a tiny pyre on top of your head and set it alight."

He snickered when Rose turned and gave him a dirty look.

Just then, Jack came into the console room.

"Okay, guys, I'm awake now. What do you wanna do…"

He paused when he noticed Rose.

"Um, Rose, why do you have a flag in the middle of your head? And, are those spaceships?"

Rose sighed when Jack walked over and looked at her head.

"What's this? Dolls or something?" he said, pointing to the alien corpses.

"No, those are the inhabitants of this planet. Rose and I went out for a walk and apparently they followed us back, had a mini war, and killed each other on top of Rose's head."

Jack looked at him.

"Why wasn't I informed that a cool thing like this was happening?"

"I wasn't aware you wanted to be informed," the Doctor said.

"Are you kidding? Teeny aliens having a battle on Rose's head? I'm up for that, anytime!"

Rose rolled her eyes when the Doctor and Jack snickered.

"Okay, alien battle is over, now will you please get the dead bodies off my head?"

"We can't move these bodies, Rose, it's disrespectful," Jack said, sternly. "Where are your manners at a time like this?"

"Besides, the alien in black claimed Rose for his people. Therefore, her skull is a territory of this planet, which means we must find this guy's people in order to get permission to move the bodies. Otherwise, we might create a universal incident that might result in all-out war."

"You mean, planets might be destroyed and billions of people might die if we remove the bodies from Rose's head?"

"Exactly, we must be delicate, lest we provoke these aliens' friends. So, what I propose we do is take Rose to my lab and put her head in a clamp, so she can't move her head and disturb the bodies. Then, you and I will scour the surface of the planet, find this guy's people and…"

He trailed off when Rose jerked her head forward, throwing the bodies and ships to the grate in front of their feet. She reached up, found the flag, plucked it from her head, and threw it to the floor beside them.

"Anyone needs me, I'll be in the den," she said, walking off.

The Doctor and Jack stared at the mess and then looked back at her.

"Rose, do you know what you've done? You've brought war and destruction down upon our heads!" the Doctor yelled at her.

"Yeah, if we get bombarded by tiny ships, it'll be all your fault!" Jack added.

Rose flipped them off and walked out of the room. The Doctor looked at Jack and shook his head.

"No respect for the dead. Sad, really," the Doctor said to him.

"Yeah, it's a shame that such valiant little warriors were treated so callously," Jack said, nodding.

The Doctor scooped everything up. He had a thought, opened up the door of the smaller ship and looked inside it. He breathed a sigh of relief.

"I can see the horse. It's still alive."

"There's a horse in there?"

"Yeah, a little teeny horse. The alien in black rode him."

"Okay, that settles it. Next time this happens, you wake me up, so I can see the little alien riding the horse!" Jack said.

The Doctor walked to the front door, opened it, and gently deposited the ships, bodies, and flag on the ground beside the TARDIS, making sure the door was still open, so the horse could get out. He stood back up.

"Godspeed, little warriors," the Doctor said, somberly.

Jack came up beside him and saluted the bodies. They stood and stared at them for a moment.

"I'm hungry," Jack said, suddenly.

"Yeah, me too, up for some chips?"

"Sure! Then, we can find something else to do to pass the time."

The Doctor nodded. He and Jack turned, closed the door, and headed for the kitchen.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Rose stretched out on the couch in the den while she watched the telly. This time, she was watching a game show from some planet in the furthest reaches of the universe. There was a gigantic white puffball twitching with excitement while a leech with arms and legs held a small note card and pointed to several doors in front of him.

"So, what will it be, Pookapookazonkzonk?" the leech was saying. "Will it be door number one, door number two, or…door number three?"

"Number two, number two!" Pookapookazonkzonk said, bouncing up and down.

"Are you sure? Remember, if you pick the wrong door, a flamethrower will incinerate you, and your next of kin will receive the home game instead of a fabulous trip to the plasma lakes of Botulism Twelve."

"Number two, number two!"

"Very well! I will reveal what is behind door number two! But first, a word from our sponsor!"

Rose groaned along with the studio audience.

"Nuts, I can't stand adverts, even if they are from other planets," she muttered.

The commercial started. Rose watched, as a snake man held up a brown bottle to the camera.

"Do you suffer from scale loss like I do?" the snake man said. "Do you suffer the embarrassment of finding your scales all over your friend's furniture at parties? Do you wake up each morning and find your sleeping platform covered with them? Then, do as I do, get Scale Strengthener 2000. Yes, the Scale Strengthener 2000 is guaranteed to strengthen your scales and keep them on your body for years to come. Works for snake, fish, lizard, mer-creature, Nobnob, Relizon, or Fungadoodle races. Clear results in ten days, or your money back. Only 400 credits for…"

Rose looked over and groaned when she saw the Doctor walk into the room and make a beeline for her.

"Don't even think about it, Doctor," she said. "I am watching the telly and…"

Her protest was cut short when the Doctor bent over, gathered her into his arms and walked back out.

"That's what I love about you, Tyler," he said to her, as he walked down the corridor. "You'll go along with anything I think up."

Rose glared at him. He ignored her, as he navigated the hallways, carrying her in his arms. After a few minutes, they came to a heavy wooden door. Rose stared at it in confusion.

"What's this room?" she said.

The Doctor didn't reply. He kicked the door open with his foot, and Rose blinked in surprise when she saw an ancient laboratory inside. He entered, walked down a flight of stone steps, took her over to a dusty lab table, and laid her on it. Rose looked around and noticed Jack was standing in the corner of the stone room grinning at her. She sighed and looked back at the Doctor.

"Okay, what the hell is this?" she asked.

"This, Rose, is a bit of playacting. Jack and I are bored, Ianto is off surfing the net-"

"And, I was watching the telly, now if you'll excuse me…"

She tried to hop off, but the Doctor grabbed her legs, and laid her back on the table.

"You can watch telly whenever you want, it's pretend with the Doctor and Jack time, right now," he said.

"Uh-huh, and what are we pretending, then?"

The Doctor reached under the table and put on a white lab coat.

"Well, I'm sure you've noticed this lab looks a bit Frankenstein-ish?" he said to her.

"Um, yeah, a bit."

The Doctor ran his fingers through his hair, messing it up, so it skewed in all directions.

"Well, I am the eeeeeeeeeeeevil, mad scientist, shunned by the villagers because I conduct unethical, horrifying experiments on the unwary," he said, giving her an insane look. "And, Jack is my assistant, Igor. Isn't that right, Igor?"

"Yes, master," Jack said, bending forward and shuffling over to him.

"And you, my dear Rose, are a simple peasant girl that Igor has snatched from the fields while you were out milking the cows. He has brought you here, so I can conduct my most fiendish experiment ever."

Rose sighed.

"And what fiendish experiment is that?" she said, in a monotone voice.

"Oh, but if I tell you that, little milkmaid, you might die of fright, simply because it's so eeeeeeeeeeeevil!" the Doctor said, bending down to her face.

"Try me," Rose said, looking him straight in the eye.

The Doctor jerked his head around and looked at Jack.

"She is brave, this one, you have done well, Igor!"

"Thank you, master!"

The Doctor jerked his head back around and gave her his best maniacal, mad scientist look.

"Very well, little one, if you want to know my eeeeeeeeeeeevil plan, I will tell it to you!"

He threw back his head and laughed the most, cornball, cheesy, evil laugh Rose had ever heard in her whole life. She looked up at Jack.

"I can't believe you're going along with this," she said, to him.

"I'm bored," Jack said, shrugging.

"Shhh, do not talk to the guinea pig unless I tell you to!" the Doctor said to him.

"Sorry, master, please forgive me," Jack said, in a sniveling voice.

The Doctor turned his attention back to Rose. He stared at her with a crazed look on his face for a moment, before Rose let out an exasperated sigh.

"What is the experiment, already?" she said, to him.

"Oho, so eager to know her fate, this one. Very well, I shall tell you!"

Rose rolled her eyes when the Doctor let out another corny laugh. He reached down under the lab table, paused, and looked at Rose with insane glee.

"Can you guess what is underneath you at this very minute, little milkmaid?"

"No, and I don't wanna guess. Either tell me what it is and get on with it, or let me go back to watching the telly," Rose said, angrily.

The Doctor hesitated and then with a yell of triumph brought his hand back up. Rose stared at the object in his hand. It was a small, stuffed moose wearing a little red vest with a little fob watch chain hanging out of the pockets. She stared at it for a moment and then looked up at him.

"Yeah…and…" she said.

She let out an exasperated sigh when both the Doctor and Jack let out cornball, evil laughs.

"Will you two quit laughing like hyenas and get to the point of this stupid game?" she said.

"Behold, little milkmaid. I, Doctor Evil Mad Scientist Stereotype Person, is about to perform my greatest experiment. I will…transfer your brain into this moose and vice versa!"

He threw back his head so violently that Rose swore it was going to break off his neck. He laughed an evil laugh that echoed off the stone walls of the lab.

"You know, Doctor, I have a theory about the whole companion thing," Rose said, to him. "I think the TARDIS put the whole idea of taking companions into your head, so you'd have other people to bother, and she'd be left alone."

The Doctor ignored her, as he shoved the moose into Jack's hands.

"Now, Igor, make haste! We must perform the experiment before the villagers with their torches and pitchforks come knocking on our door!"

"Yes, master!"

"And who is the villager with the torch and pitchfork, Ianto?" Rose asked.

"No," the Doctor said, in his normal tone of voice. "Ianto's surfing the net, remember?"

"Yeah, and in future, I'll be sure to do that too, so you'll leave me alone."

"Nonsense, I told you part of your job is to entertain me. Which is why you are here."

"Wonderful, just wonderful," Rose muttered.

She looked at Jack when he brought over a stool, placed it beside her, and placed the moose on top. Jack gave her a lopsided grin.

"Heh, heh, soon you will be a moose," he said, in his best Igor voice.

"Heh, heh, I bet I'll have more intelligence than you, then," Rose said, imitating him.

Jack gave her a hurt look.

"That wasn't very nice. I hope when you become a moose, you'll have better manners than that," he chided her.

"When I become a moose, the first thing I'll do is use my big moose feet to kick the both of ya in the head! Maybe that'll knock some sense into you and the Doctor. I…"

She jerked her head around when she felt her shirt lifting up.

"Oi!" she said to the Doctor, when she noticed he had his hand going up her shirt towards her breast. "Now, what are you doing?"

The Doctor looked like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"Um, checking to make sure there are no missing body parts?"

"You're gonna think missing body parts when I rip your hearts out, now get your hand out from under there!"

The Doctor withdrew his hand and stood up.

"I can't help it if I get these eeeeeeeeeeeevil urges," he said, shrugging.

"Well, if I were you, I'd keep your eeeeeeeeeeeevil urges to yourself, otherwise you're gonna find your eeeeeeeeeeeevil hands broken off at the wrists!"

The Doctor gave her a haughty look.

"You wouldn't dare."

"Oh no, I said, try me," Rose replied.

The Doctor let out a melodramatic sigh, muttered under his breath about how she'd be more cooperative with a moose brain and pointed at Jack.

"Activate the Gigavolt Inducer, Igor!"

Jack stared at him, confused.

"The what?" he said.

The Doctor sighed.

"The machine with the two long, metal prongs that the electrical charge goes up," he said, condescendingly.

"Oh! Okay, well, why didn't you say?"

"I did," the Doctor muttered.

Rose watched, as Jack wheeled over an ancient looking contraction. Her eyes widened when he switched it on, and she heard a humming noise, as the electrical charge snaked up the long prongs. She looked back at the Doctor.

"Are you sure it's safe turning that thing on?" she asked.

"Well, yes, I wouldn't turn it on if it wasn't safe," he said, giving her the same condescending look he gave Jack a few minutes earlier.

"This is coming from the man who slapped a bra on his head and tried to bring a Bratz doll to life," Rose said, dryly.

"That was a fluke," the Doctor said, quickly. "All my other experiments have been successes. Everyone is entitled to a dud experiment. Thomas Edison tried 999 times before he had a successful electric light."

"Yeah, but to my knowledge, Thomas Edison wasn't prancing around his laboratory with a bra on his head telling everyone that was the way to make a light bulb cause he'd seen it done in a movie once."

The Doctor eyed her.

"I do not…prance, Rose Tyler. I have never pranced anywhere. Occasionally, I have adopted a confident swagger and perhaps, an egotistical strut, a time or two, but I have never pranced."

Rose rolled her eyes.

The Doctor looked at Jack.

"Now, Igor, start throwing random switches and dials while I turn off the light. Our hour of triumph is nigh!"

"Yes, master!"

Jack ran over to a huge control panel and starting hitting buttons and switches. Rose flinched when she heard more humming and buzzing and prayed to God to keep her from being blown to kingdom come. The Doctor switched off the light. He walked back over to her side and stared down at her. The crackling electricity illuminated his face, giving him a bizarre appearance. Rose couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous he looked with his wild hair, and wide-eyed insane look. The Doctor gave her an annoyed look.

"Do not…mock me, child," he said to her.

"Why shouldn't I mock you? You look like you just survived a tornado with your hair all over the place, and your…I guess, you're going for dramatic with the bulging eyes, but it makes you look like you've just been kicked in the stomach."

"Laugh at me all you want! Soon, very soon, you will be inside a cuddly moose with a cute little vest that I won at some fair somewhere, and then, you will spend eternity on my bed while your human body is rented out to parties as an icebreaker. This, Rose Tyler, is your fate. ACCEPT IT!"

He and Jack threw back their heads, closed their eyes, and laughed insanely. They continued their laugh amidst the humming, buzzing, and electrical charges. They laughed for a full minute and when they finally opened their eyes and looked at the lab table, they noticed that Rose was gone. The Doctor and Jack looked at each other. Jack pointed over the Doctor's shoulder, and he turned to see the door hanging wide open.

"Bollocks! She's scarpered!" the Doctor said, angrily.

Grumbling, he walked over to the light switch and turned the lights back on.

"Well, now what do we do?" the Doctor said.

Jack thought for a moment.

"Wanna go see if Ianto is off the computer?"

The Doctor grinned.

"Yeah!" he said, rubbing his hands together.

Giggling, the two of them quickly turned off the equipment and ran out of the room in search of Ianto.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

"Yes," said the chartreuse colored alien who was standing behind a counter, "My life was changed forever with the Cranial Cardio Metabolizer. I lost 896 pounds just by popping this pill and doing absolutely nothing at all, and now you can lose weight the same way I did. The pill works by stimulating your brain, causing your metabolism to rise to stellar levels. And, within six weeks or less, you can have a body that will be the envy of the galaxy. How much is this fabulous product worth? Now, I bet some of you are thinking; this fabulous product must cost at least 7000 credits, plus my first-born offspring. Well, you are wrong. Have we got a deal for you! We will send you a trial package for the insanely low price of 4000 credits, and your first cousin's second offspring. Send us that by galactic post, and we will ship the Cranial Cardio Metabolizer straight to your door! Act now, supplies are limited!"

"Rose!"

Rose looked up from the infomercial on the TV and groaned when she saw the Doctor standing in the den door. 

"No! Not on your life. I don't want any part of it, and don't you dare touch me or move me from this sofa!" she said. 

"You don't wanna go explore parts of the TARDIS I've never seen before?" the Doctor said, innocently.

Rose raised her eyebrow.

"What's the catch?"

The Doctor frowned.

"I don't know what you mean."

"I mean, that you keep roping me into things that are embarrassing, uncomfortable and which are certain to piss me off and make me want to kill you. That's what I mean!"

The Doctor stared at her.

"When have I ever done any of that?" he asked.

"You feel like sitting here all night while I rattle off the list?" Rose muttered.

"If you don't want to come with me and see parts of the TARDIS I've never seen before, I'll just go with Jack and Ianto then."

Rose gave him a skeptical look. 

"Is this for real?"

"Well, yes. I wouldn't come in here and ask you to come if it wasn't."

Rose let out an earth-shattering snort. She was about to tell the Doctor to piss off, but curiosity got the better of her. She had made an exploration of the TARDIS on her own and had seen some interesting things, but even she realized what she had seen was just the tip of the iceberg. The TARDIS seemed to go on and on, and the Doctor's claim that he hadn't seen everything in his ship did seem plausible. Besides, there was nothing interesting on the telly now, and she figured if she didn't get up from the sofa, he would sling her over his shoulder and make her go. Sighing, she got up and trudged over to his side. 

"Let's get this over with, then."

"Gee, Rose, your excitement is overwhelming," he said, dryly.

He smiled and took her hand.

"I have a feeling you'll cheer up once we get going though," he said, grinning.

"Just as long as I don't end up the butt of some insensitive practical joke of yours."

The Doctor ignored that, and he led her out into the corridor where Jack and Ianto were waiting. 

"Oh good, she's coming?" Jack said.

"Yup, I tore her away from that mind-numbing telly, so she can have a bit of fun with us," the Doctor said, smiling proudly, "so, let's get this show on the road, shall we?"

He walked over to the wall beside the door and knocked on the wall.

"Open sesame!" he said.

The TARDIS opened up a doorway, and the three companions stared at the escalator sitting a few feet inside it.

"All aboard for fun and mischief!" the Doctor proclaimed, stepping onto it. 

The three companions looked at each other and followed him.

Rose stepped up beside the Doctor and he took her hand. Her eyes boggled when she looked up the escalator. It seemed to go on forever. 

"Do you even know where we're going?" she asked the Doctor.

"Not a clue."

As they ascended, Rose noticed that flaming torches lit the way. She stared at the holders. They were made of brass and sculpted to look like an arm and hand. Each hand clasped the end of the torch. Rose had to admit they were very elegant looking. As she admired them, she suddenly heard the Doctor let out an exasperated sigh and mutter to himself.

"For God's sake, this is not the tunnel of love ride."

Rose wondered what he meant by that. Then, she heard soft moaning and kissing sounds behind her. She turned and noticed Jack and Ianto were playing tonsil hockey a couple of steps below them. She turned her head back to the Doctor.

"You're actually surprised that they're snogging?"

"No, sadly, I'm not."

He looked back at them.

"Omega's orifice, get a bleedin' room, will ya?"

Jack came up for air and grinned at him.

"Hey, if you can't beat em, join em," he said, in a thinly veiled hint.

The Doctor stared at him for a moment and then spun back around.

"Isn't this a fabulous escalator, Rose?" he said to her, "The most magnificent escalator in the world. I'm betting my escalators rival those at Harrods. What do you think?"

"I think you're rambling, so you can tune out the make-out session behind us."

"Spot on."

Finally, after ten more minutes, they reached the top and made a smooth transition onto a moving pavement. Rose was impressed.

"See, my TARDIS thinks of everything. Romeo and Juliet, back there, didn't have to interrupt their spelunking session to step onto it. 

Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and Rose saw her Doctor and her old Doctor standing on either side of the pavement, along with eight other men.

"Welcome to the upper part of the TARDIS," they chorused.

Rose stared at the ninth Doctor who was smiling warmly at her, as she went past.

"Hello, Rose, nice to see you again."

"Doctor?"

She looked at the tenth Doctor beside her.

"Holograms. All of them are, which is why I'm able to be here and there," he said, pointing back to his hologram. 

"Who are the rest of these guys? Are they you?" she said, looking from one side to the other.

"Yup, all my known incarnations," the Doctor said. "The TARDIS made them and programmed them to greet anyone who comes up here."

"Well, so far, they've only said hello to me."

"Yes, well, they know me, and they won't bother with the gits behind us since they aren't even paying attention to them at the moment."

Rose watched them while they greeted her warmly. Some of them were kinda cute, while others looked bizarre. She smiled back at them and found herself saying hello in return. Finally, they reached the end of the line. The short one on the right said hello to her and even began to serenade her on his recorder, but when she turned her head to look at the one on the left, he was waving his walking stick at her.

"Don't you dare track mud onto my moving pavement!" he said, in a crotchety voice. "It takes time to clean, and I'm always the one who has to do it!"

Rose looked at her Doctor.

"Which one is he?"

"My first life," the Doctor muttered, rolling his eyes.

She looked back at the first Doctor who was eyeing Jack and Ianto with distaste.

"For the love of Rassilon, get a room, will ya?" he said, waving his stick at them. "In my day, I would have never permitted such obscene behavior. I swear, my current self has turned this TARDIS into a brothel! What's next, wild orgies? I suppose I'll have to clean up after those too!"

"Yeah, yeah, blow it out your arse, gramps," the Doctor muttered.

Rose looked back at the white-haired, elderly Time Lord who was ranting, raving, and waving his stick at them and thanked God she didn't travel with him. She turned her head back around when the holograms finally vanished and saw they were nearing the end of the pavement. The Doctor and Rose stepped off it and walked on down the corridor. Rose's eyes widened when she heard a couple of surprised yells. She turned around and saw Jack and Ianto were sprawled out on the floor. 

"Oh my, did I neglect to tell the two lovebirds the pavement ended abruptly?" the Doctor said, not turning his head around, "How forgetful of me. Oh well, can't keep tabs on everyone, I guess. Come along, Rose."

Rose turned her head back around when she saw the looks of death they were giving the Doctor. She looked at him and saw he was completely unconcerned by it. He turned a corner and strode confidently down the passageway. As he did, the torches suddenly burst into flame, illuminating their surroundings. The Doctor led them to the first door. It was a heavy wooden door with several cobwebs lining the corners. The Doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver, used it on the lock, and put his hand on the doorknob. He looked back at his companions.

"Ready?" he said.

"Is there anything in these rooms that can kill us?" Rose said, hesitantly.

"Dunno, but that's the beauty in finding out, eh?" the Doctor replied.

"If you say so, Doctor," Rose muttered.

The Doctor paused a moment and then, with a flourish, opened the door. All of them squeezed their eyes shut expecting something to jump out at them. They slowly opened their eyes when nothing happened, looked inside, and saw a tiny plant sitting in a clay flowerpot in the middle of the room. Other than that, the room had nothing in it. 

"Okay, that was a bit anti-climatic," the Doctor muttered.

"What's a plant doing here? Did you put it here?" Rose asked.

"No, I've never been in this room. At least, I don't think I have. To my knowledge, though, I have never ever been in this room at any time I can think of."

They stepped into the room. The plant had no flowers or adornment of any kind and resembled Audrey II from 'Little Shop of Horrors.'

The Doctor smiled at it.

"It's awfully cute," he said, bending over to examine it.

Jack looked at Ianto.

"Ever seen anything like it?" he asked him.

"Not in real life, no," he replied.

"Should we water it?" Rose asked.

The Doctor considered that.

"Um, not sure. After all, it's been sitting here for awhile and doing just fine without water."

He flicked his fingers against one of its leaves.

"I suppose we could take the little guy to the console room, I bet he's lonely. I---"

The Doctor was cut off when the plant suddenly grew to a gargantuan size, opened its mouth, and snapped it down on the front part of the Doctor. The three companions screamed and tried to pry the mouth open while the Doctor waved his arms and legs around. 

"Let go of the Doctor!" Rose screamed, as she pounded on what she assumed was its face. 

"Arrgh! Let go of me, I am not a nibble!" they heard the Doctor screaming from inside its mouth. 

Rose looked down and noticed the Doctor had dropped the screwdriver near the flowerpot. She snatched it up, aimed it, and turned it on. The plant roared in pain, and the Doctor quickly backed away from it. They watched, as the plant slowly shrank back down to its original size and fell silent.

"Right, next room, pronto!" the Doctor said, seizing Rose by the arm and shoving Jack and Ianto out the door.

He got them all out, slammed the door, locked it, and cursed profusely while he wiped plant saliva off his face.

He glared at the ceiling.

"Why is that…thing…on board this ship?" he demanded.

He sighed when the TARDIS remained silent. 

"Never mind, let's just move on," the Doctor said.

"Are you sure, Doc?" Jack replied. "I mean you nearly got devoured by the Little Shop of Horrors plant in there."

"Yes, but surely, not all the rooms are like that. Now, come on, let's explore further, and see what we can see."

The three companions looked at each other, shrugged, and followed him to the next door. The Doctor put his hand on the doorknob, as he aimed the screwdriver at the lock. Suddenly, everyone froze. There was a flash of light, and the first Doctor hologram appeared beside them.

"Will my older self lead these young whippersnappers into more danger?" the first Doctor said. "Will my older self finally realize his dream of turning my TARDIS into a ship of ill repute? Will the randy couple over there finally have an orgy? And, will I have to clean up the mess? Find out in the next exciting chapter of Doctor Who Silly Stories. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go chase some damn kids off my lawn in the TARDIS grass room."

With a flash of light, he vanished, leaving the four main characters of this story frozen in time until the next chapter. 


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

A/N: This chapter is rated M for a few suggestive situations and innuendos and some slashy-ness.

Suddenly, there was another flash and the four occupants of the TARDIS were able to move again. All of them looked at one another, confused, before shrugging and going about their business.

The Doctor unlocked the door and put his hand on the doorknob.

"Okay, here we go, you guys rea…"

He turned his head around while he was talking and trailed off when he noticed his three companions were ten feet down the corridor, huddling together for safety's sake.

"Get back here!" the Doctor said, angrily.

"Open the door first and then we'll decide whether or not to follow that command," Jack replied.

"If you do not get back here by the count of three, I will drag you all back to the other room, lock the door, and let you deal with the gardenia from Hell. Now…1…2…"

He quit counting when the three of them dashed to his side.

"Good. Now, as I was saying, here goes nothing."

He threw open the door. The three companions backed up and cast nervous glances into the room. The only thing inside it was a shining blue orb. It was floating in mid air in the middle of the room. The Doctor looked at them.

"See, just a weird, glowing blue orb, nothing to be alarmed about," he said, gesturing to it.

"Yeah, but what does the glowing blue orb do?" Ianto asked.

The Doctor shrugged.

"Dunno, but there's only one way to find out."

"No!" the three companions screamed in unison when the Doctor strode into the room.

They watched while he walked right up to it, stuffed his hands in his trouser pockets, and stared at it quietly. The three friends looked at each other, shrugged and walked inside.

The moment the last person entered the room, there was an intense glow, a flash of blinding white light, and the four occupants of the room staggered back against the walls. The blue orb's light dimmed back to its original brilliance. The Doctor blinked rapidly trying to get his sight back to normal.

"Well, that was unexpected," he murmured, "next time, I'll remember not to look directly at…"

He trailed off. He sounded funny. He still had his accent, but his voice was high-pitched.

"Doctor?"

He rubbed his eyes.

"Yes, Ianto?" he said.

"I'm not Ianto, I'm Rose."

The Doctor took his hands away from his eyes.

"You are Ianto; I know that Welsh accent anywhere. I…"

He frowned. Where was Rose at? He saw Jack, Ianto and…

His eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw himself standing across the room.

"What the hell? How did I get over there?"

"Doctor? Is that you?"

The Doctor blinked. He could have sworn he heard Jack's voice coming from his mouth.

"Jack?" he said, hesitantly.

"Yup."

"But, that's me."

Ianto walked up to him.

"Look down," he said, or rather, Rose said.

The Doctor stared at "Ianto" in disbelief and then he slowly looked down. His eyes almost fell out of his head when he noticed the huge pair of breasts he was sporting. He looked up.

"What's going on?"

"We've switched bodies, that's what's going on!" Rose said, angrily. "When that orb thing flashed, you got my body, and I got Ianto's body."

"And I got your body," Jack said, "and I guess that means Ianto has mine."

"Yup," Ianto said, nodding.

He sighed.

"I've always dreamed of getting inside Jack Harkness, but not like this," he muttered.

"Oh, I don't know, you look quite dashing now," Jack replied.

Jack glanced down at his new body and noticed with delight that the Doctor had quite a meat monster on his person.

"Ooo, and I've always wanted to do this," he said, as his hand snaked down the pinstriped trousers.

"Don't you dare, Harkness! Get out of my trousers before I break that hand off!" the Doctor yelled at him.

Jack withdrew his hand and pouted.

"Damn, as long as we're stuck with these bodies, we oughta be able to feel around and explore them."

"No one is exploring anything!" the Doctor said, "while we are in these bodies, we will respect them. No one is to touch anything…"

The Doctor trailed off. He had glanced down while he was talking and suddenly became fixated on Rose's breasts. Curious, he cupped the right one and moved it up and down.

"Doctor, get your bleedin' hands off my breasts this instant!"

The Doctor ignored her, as his hand jiggled the breast around and gave it a squeeze.

"Oh my, breasts really are soft and bouncy, aren't they?" he said.

"Doctor, get your hands off me!"

The Doctor paused a moment then took a hold of the nipple. He rubbed it and his eyes widened in delight at the delightful sensation it produced. He continued to rub while he closed his eyes and moaned softly.

Ianto heard Jack moaning, looked over, and saw that the Doctor's body was harder than Chinese algebra. He let out a raspy sigh, and his hand slowly descended back into the Doctor's trousers. Ianto glanced at Rose and both of them nodded. They moved to their respective partners, hauled off, and slapped them in the face as hard as they could.

"Hey!" Jack said, withdrawing his hand and rubbing his cheek.

"Oi, Rose, that hurt!" the Doctor said, indignantly.

"Both of you need to grow up and act like adults!" Rose said.

"Yes, we need to find a way to get back into our own bodies!" Ianto added.

"Oh, I don't know, there are definite advantages to being in this body," Jack said, glancing down at Doctor Junior. "I mean, it's a bit scrawny, but certain areas more than make up for it."

Once more, the roaming hand went down towards Happyland. The Doctor looked at Rose who was giving him a pointed look.

"Yeah, you're right, I better stop him before I have to stand here and watch myself wank off," the Doctor muttered.

He crossed the room and forced Jack's hand away from its target. Jack let out an exasperated sigh.

"Damn it, can't I at least sample it one time?" he said.

"No, you cannot. Rose is right; we need to get back in our bodies, before this whole thing becomes permanent!" the Doctor said.

"Oh, all right, what do you want us to do then?" Jack replied.

The Doctor was clueless. Desperate to get back into his body, he did the first thing that came to mind.

"Um…hey you, get out of my body?" the Doctor said, pointing at his body.

Jack rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, that works," he said, under his breath.

"You got a better idea, Harkness?"

His eyes widened in surprise when Jack seized "Rose's" face and shoved his tongue in her mouth. The Doctor pushed himself away.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Um, doing what you said you did to Rose when you took the vortex out of her?" Jack said, shifting nervously.

The Doctor glared at him.

"Well, it was a more plausible idea than you screaming at me to get out of your body!" Jack retorted.

He chuckled.

"'Sides, I always wondered what it was like to snog Blondie, now I know."

He backed away when both Rose and the Doctor took a swing at him.

Ianto let out an exasperated sigh. Once again, it was up to him to remain calm and save the day. It just boggled his mind how these people ever got along without him. Ignoring the three squabbling people standing in the corner, he moved over to the orb and stared at it thoughtfully.

"Hmmm, if the orb switched bodies on us when we all walked into the room, then perhaps it'll switch us back if we go outside and come back in."

A smug smile spread over "Jack's" face. Yes, what would the others do without him and his levelheaded manner of doing things? He turned to the others who, by now, were nearly ready to rumble.

"AHEM!"

He smiled when the three of them stopped and stared at him in shock. Yes, he, Ianto Jones was finally taking control of the situation.

"I believe I have a solution," he said, walking towards the door. "Follow me, please."

He walked past them. They turned and followed him out the door. Ianto promptly turned and walked back inside.

"Follow me, please," he called back over his shoulder.

The others looked at each other and followed him back inside.

Suddenly, the orb began to glow, there was another flash of light, and the four of them staggered back against the walls.

"Argh, if I walk out of this room with my eyesight intact, it'll be a miracle!" the Doctor said, slamming his hand over his eyes.

He paused when he realized he was speaking with his voice. He took his hand away and examined it. A grin spread over his face when he noticed the hairs on the back of his own manly hand.

"I'm back!" he said, jumping up and down.

He paused and looked down at the enormous bulge in his trousers. Sighing angrily, he looked across the room.

"Jack?" he said to Jack's body.

"Yeah," Jack said, answering in his own voice.

"Good, I'm glad you're back. Now I know I'm killing the right person!"

Jack's eyes widened. He ran out of the room, as the Doctor followed behind him screaming bloody murder. Rose, finally regaining her vision, looked down and breathed a sigh of relief when she saw her breasts. She looked over at Ianto who was giving her a smug smile.

"See, I fixed it," he said, proudly.

They looked towards the door when they heard the Doctor screaming vague threats about ripping Jack's penis off his body and burning it, so he would spend eternity as a she-male. Ianto and Rose looked at each other, sighed, and hurried out of the room before the Doctor did something he would regret.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Finally, Ianto and Rose were able to pull the Doctor and Jack apart and keep them from killing each other. After calming down, it was decided they would try a couple more doors and then go back down for dinner. They looked over at the door beside them.

"Okay," the Doctor said, "this time we go in slowly and cautiously, alright?"

The other three people nodded. They approached the door slowly. The Doctor unlocked the door with the screwdriver, put his hand on the knob, quickly twisted it, and flung open the door. This time all of them hurried back towards the other wall. But, to their surprise, there was nothing in the room. No man-eating plants, no weird glowing orbs. Nothing. Just a white room.

The four of them stood there and stared at it hesitantly.

"Well, we gonna go inside?" Jack asked.

"Um, not sure if I want to," Rose said.

"No, me neither," Ianto added.

"Well," Jack said, slapping his hands together, "I'm the one who can never die, so I volunteer to go in."

Before anyone could stop him, he stepped inside the room. The other three flinched, expecting a monster to pop up and maul him, but instead, a panel slid open in the ceiling, a disco ball dropped down and ABBA's _Take a Chance on Me_ began to play. Jack stared at the disco ball while it spun around, casting little balls of light on the wall. Then, he began to tap his feet and nod his head and, to the surprise of his friends, he began to dance around the room. The Doctor, Rose, and Ianto stood quietly and watched him disco dance.

"Come on, guys, come inside, and dance with me!" he called to them.

"Should we?" Rose asked.

"Um, I'm not sure," the Doctor said, "I'm still waiting for the monster to pop out."

The three of them continued to stand there while Jack waved his arms and shook his butt in time to the music.

Then, the song ended, the ball went back up in the ceiling and the panel closed.

"Aaaah," Jack sighed, walking out of the room, "that was great fun."

"Wow," Ianto said, "you actually have a room on this TARDIS that doesn't have something sinister in it."

"We'll have to make a note of this room, so we can come back inside and have a party sometime," Jack said.

"Yeah, I'm still not convinced there isn't something nefarious in there," the Doctor said, shutting the door, "the whole Saturday Night Fever thing might have been a trap to lure you in and let your guard down. So, I'll just reserve judgment on it, for now."

They moved to the next door. The Doctor unlocked it with the screwdriver and opened the door. In the center of the white room, there was a little one-year-old girl sitting there in her nappie. She had rosy cheeks, blonde curls, blue eyes, and a wide smile. She sat there, staring at them with her wide eyes.

"Goo, ga!" she said, happily.

"Doctor, what is a child doing in the TARDIS?" Rose asked.

"Um…my guess is it's sitting here being cute," the Doctor replied.

"Goo, ga, gaaaaaaaaaaa!" the child cooed.

Jack's heart melted.

"Aaaaaaaaah!" he said, walking into the room.

"Uh, Jack, I don't know if you should be doing that!" the Doctor said.

Jack picked up the child. The child looked up at Jack with its wide, blue eyes and burbled happily. Jack felt himself melting into a puddle of goo.

"Jack, I don't like this!" the Doctor said.

"Ah, come on, Doc. It's a just a cute, little girl. Maybe it's a robot or something."

"Yeah, well, I haven't had the best luck with robots, Jack. I'd rather you just sit it down and come out of there!"

Jack looked down at the child.

"Bah, booooooo, bah!"

Jack smiled and held the child tightly to his chest. He started to come out of the room.

"Jack, I'm warning you, don't," the Doctor said.

Jack walked out of the room. He walked over to the Doctor and stood there, holding the child in one arm. The Doctor looked down at the child who was staring up at him with huge doe-eyes.

"Baba!" she said, pointing to the Doctor.

The Doctor sighed.

"Put…her…back!" he said to him.

"But, Doc…"

"Now, Jack!"

Jack blew air out his lips while he walked back into the room.

"Sorry, sweetie," he said, setting her on the floor, "the Doctor wants you to stay in here."

"Gah, goooo?" the child cooed, staring up at him.

Jack swallowed hard. As he leaned back up, he hoped that the child would be all right. Reluctantly, he walked out of the room and closed the door behind him.

"Happy?" Jack said to the Doctor.

"Yes, because that child is back in the room where she belongs. Obviously, the TARDIS is keeping her in there for some reason and judging from what's happened so far, I'd rather not find out what it is. Now, let's go get something to eat. We can explore another time. Follow me."

The Doctor walked ahead of everyone and the others followed behind him. As they walked, they didn't notice the door opening and the little child coming out and toddling along behind them.

They turned the corner and stepped back onto the moving pavement. Rose, who was behind everyone else, shoved her hands in her pockets, and rocked back and forth on her heels. Suddenly, she heard a low growling behind her and felt hot breath on her neck. Eyes widened, she turned and noticed a big, red demon staring at her with sinister yellow eyes. She took one look at its long curving horns and huge muscular chest and let out a scream.

"Doctor! Behind us!" she said, turning around.

The others spun around and looked where she was pointing. She noticed the confused looks on their faces and turned back around. The only thing behind them was the child. She was sitting on the moving pavement burbling up at Rose.

"Mama!" the girl said, pointing at her.

Rose looked all around for the demon, but it had disappeared. She looked at the Doctor.

"Doctor, there was this huge red demon behind me. I just saw it," she protested.

She looked back down at the girl who was giggling and staring up at her with her round blue eyes. The Doctor sighed.

"Stop the pavement!" he yelled.

Instantly, the pavement stopped. The Doctor walked over to the child, swept it up in his arms and walked away.

"Won't be a moment!" he called out, as he turned the corner.

He carried the child back to the room and sat her down in the center of it. The moment he let go, the child began to wail.

"Dadaaaaaaaaaa!" she sobbed, pointing up at the Doctor.

The Doctor stood there, unsure what to do. Part of him wanted to bolt and lock the door behind him. But, the child was so cute, and now it was crying because of him. Guilt pricked at his mind. Sighing, he picked the child back up.

"Come on, let's go," he muttered.

"Gooooo, gah!" the child said, happily.

The Doctor walked out and closed the door. He walked back around the corner.

"I though you were getting rid of her," Ianto said.

"Yeah, well…I figured that perhaps we can find a home for her somewhere, so she doesn't have to spend eternity locked in a room," the Doctor said, as casually as he could, "besides, if there is some kind of demon up here, then I don't want her up here with it. Now come on."

Ignoring the smug look on Jack's face, he walked by him, called for the pavement to start up again and all of them left the upper level of the TARDIS.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ten minutes later, the child was sitting with Rose in the kitchen. Ianto was in the den and the Doctor and Jack had gone back into the upper level of the TARDIS, searching for the demon. Rose glanced at the child while she rummaged in the fridge. She was sitting in one of the dining room chairs staring up at her with those wide, innocent eyes and Rose felt her heart melt. She was so glad the Doctor had changed his mind about her. She was just too cute. Looking at her, as she babbled out baby talk, she couldn't bear to think of her being locked away in a room for the rest of her life.

She grabbed the milk, took it out, and set it on the counter.

"Hmmm, what would be good for a baby to eat?" she murmured, sticking her head back in.

She moved things around looking for something. She was examining a bowl filled with some kind of pasta casserole when she suddenly heard growling and snarling coming from behind her. Very slowly, she stuck her head out and screamed when she saw the demon.

"IANTO!" she screamed.

She grunted when the demon struck her face, sending her to the floor. Rose quickly got to her feet and ran past it.

"IANTO, WHERE ARE YOU?"

"I'm here!" Ianto said, running in the door.

"The demon's back!"

She noticed the confused look on Ianto's face. Spinning around, her mouth dropped open when she noticed the child sitting on the floor staring with fascination at her toes. Rose looked around the kitchen, but the demon had vanished again.

"What is going on here?" Rose said.

She ran over and scooped up the child in her arms.

"The Doctor will know," she said to Ianto, "come on, let's go find him and Jack."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The Doctor rubbed his chin thoughtfully when Rose finished telling him and Jack what had happened.

"And you say, both times the demon disappeared and all you saw was this child?"

Rose nodded.

The Doctor narrowed his eyes at the baby who now had part of Rose's t-shirt in her mouth.

"Come with me, Rose. I believe I know what's going on, but I want to make sure."

He gestured to his three friends, and they followed him as he walked towards the moving pavement.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Okay, little one, let's see what you really are," the Doctor said.

He had brought them all to his laboratory. Without any comment, he had gone over to a metal platform and set the child down in the middle of it. Rose looked at the child who was giggling softly and cast a nervous glance towards the Doctor.

"This isn't gonna hurt her, is it?"

"Trust me, Rose. If this girl is what I think it is, what I'm about to do won't even faze her."

He walked over to a metal box on the wall beside the platform and twisted some dials on it.

"This chamber will form a force field around this child and give her a brief shock that hopefully will irritate her enough to show her true form. Now, stand back."

Rose backed up and stood beside Jack and Ianto. The Doctor finished his adjustments and put his finger on a little black button.

"Here goes nothing," he said to them.

He pushed the button and there was a crackling sound as a mini lightning bolt came down and struck the child. The child stopped giggling and cooing and sat there, seemingly in shock. Then suddenly, the deep blue eyes turned yellow and she let out a deep growl. Then, to their amazement, the child grew and mutated into the huge red demon.

"Yup, thought so," the Doctor said, smugly, "what you see before you is a Diablo, a shapeshifting demon. This here is its true form."

"But, what's it doing in the TARDIS?" Rose asked.

The Doctor shrugged.

"Dunno. There's been a couple of times in the past when I visited their home world. Perhaps this child wandered inside without my knowledge and the TARDIS quickly trapped it and sent it to that room so it wouldn't wreck havoc. And, make no mistake, what we have here is a child. The adults are much, much bigger and nastier than this."

He looked at Jack.

"Still want to be her daddy, Harkness?" he said, gesturing to the Diablo.

"Um, no, I've changed my mind about that," he said, watching as the demon morphed back into the child.

"Well, good, because we are taking this child back to its planet and its people. In the meantime, it can stay enclosed in this force field and amuse itself by doing baby things. Excuse me, gang."

He walked past them and hurried out of the room. The three friends stood there, staring at the Diablo who had gone back to playing with its toes as it burbled happily. They looked at one another, shook their heads, and walked out the door.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

"Here, we are, Monononia," the Doctor said as he, Rose, Jack and Ianto stepped outside the door. "Isn't it beautiful?"

They looked around at the silver grass and orange sky with twin suns shining overhead.

"And what lives here?" Rose asked.

He smiled.

"The Flax."

"Like the seed?" Ianto said.

"No, like the alien race that lives here," the Doctor said. "They're called the Flax. Other things in the universe can be named Flax, you know."

"Are the Flax dangerous?" Jack asked.

"Oh no, very peaceful race, highly intelligent and industrious. They like to build and invent things. It's one of their passions. So, what say we go and have a look at their planet?"

Jack glanced at Ianto.

"Um…if you don't mind, Doctor. Ianto and I want to be alone for awhile. So, how about you and Rose and me and Ianto split up and meet back here?"

The Doctor gave Rose a knowing look.

"Alright, that sounds good to me. Two hours alright?"

"Fine," Jack said while Ianto nodded in agreement.

"Got a spare key just in case something does happen?"

"In my pocket," Jack said.

"Great, well then, have fun you two and we'll meet back here in two hours time."

Jack took Ianto's hand. They walked off to the right while the Doctor took Rose's hand and walked straight ahead.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After about a half hour, Rose finally stopped and tugged on the Doctor's hand.

"Where is everyone?" she said when he turned to look at her. "We've been walking and I haven't seen any sign of life except for us. Where are these Flax you were talking about?"

The Doctor rubbed the back of his neck.

"Weeeeeeeeeell, the Flax don't really get out much. They prefer to stay indoors and invent things."

"Yeah, but I haven't seen any cities either. Just grass and sky. Are we out in the middle of nowhere? I mean, is it safe to be here because if there's nothing around, I'm thinking that's a bad sign."

"Oh, P'shaw Rose, just because it's completely deserted and a little bit creepy out here doesn't mean there's something evil lurking in the grass. I mean, I do know this planet and I would know if something dangerous could be lying in wait for us and…um….there's something going up my leg."

"What?"

The Doctor pointed to his left leg.

"There's something walking up my leg right now, I can feel it."

He stopped Rose when she started to move.

"Just stay perfectly still. If it's dangerous, I don't want to alarm it. Just stay there."

Both of them remained motionless. Rose's heart was beating in her chest, fearful for the Doctor's life.

"It's going up my back now," the Doctor whispered.

A minute later…

"It's going up my neck and now my head. It's going towards the top of my head. See what it is."

Rose looked up at his head. Suddenly, she saw a little robot walk onto the top of his head. It was about three inches tall with a round metallic head and a little circular opening in the center that glowed green. Surprisingly, the robot was also wearing a suit exactly like the Doctor's.

"What is it, Rose?" the Doctor whispered.

"Um…a tiny robot with a little green eye that's wearing a little version of your suit."

"What?"

He reached up and grabbed for it. The robot activated jet propulsion rockets in the bottom of his feet, flew over to Rose's head and turned to look at him.

"Oh, so that's what you look like," the Doctor said. "How cute. Where did you come from, eh?"

He cleared his throat.

"Um, I'm the Doctor and this is Rose. Do you have a name, little fella?"

The robot stared at him for a moment. Then, reaching into his pocket; he took out a tiny business card and held it out to him. The Doctor held up his finger and let the robot lay the card on it. Rose raised her eyebrow when she saw the card.

"Can you even read that?" she asked.

"Not yet. Have to get my special magnifying lenses for my glasses."

He fished around in his pocket, got his glasses and gave them to Rose. Rose put them on his face while he reached in and pulled out a series of lenses. He instructed Rose on how to fit them and which lens to use. Once the thickest lens was down over the lens of the glasses, he brought the card up and studied it intently.

"Says…Benjamin Bot, Solicitor."

He put the card into his pocket along with the glasses.

"Well, nice to meet you, Benjamin. I had no idea little robots existed here. I suppose the Flax invented you then?"

Benjamin said nothing.

"The silent type?" the Doctor asked. "So, are you able to find enough clients being a solicitor and all?"

The robot said nothing. The Doctor watched as a little door in the top of his head opened, a little pole rose up and a light flashed like a beacon.

"I'm sorry, is this your language?" he asked.

"What's he doing?"

"He's flashing a light at me."

"Is that good or bad?"

"Dunno, I've never seen a little robot like him on Monononia before. I assume some Flax invented him and…Rose, there's something going up my leg again."

Rose walked around him.

"It's another robot like Benjamin except this one's wearing a pink dress."

She heard Benjamin let out a couple of high pitched squeaks. The girl robot stopped activated her jet propulsion and flew up to Rose's head.

"Oh wonderful, now there's tiny robots on my head. Why do I keep getting tiny aliens on my head now?"

The Doctor turned to her and noticed the pole going back down inside Benjamin.

"I take it that light was a signaling device to call his friend over," he said.

He watched as Benjamin opened the top of his friends head and took out a tiny picnic basket and blanket. He spread the blanket on Rose's head, sat the basket down and both of them sat together.

"Okay, what are they doing? I just felt something covering my head," Rose said.

The Doctor tried not to laugh.

"Um, I think they're about to have a picnic on your head, Rose."

"Uh-huh, and what comes after that, a flagpole in my skull? Get them off me, Doctor!"

The Doctor reached up and gently nudged Benjamin's side.

"Okay, little fella, you and your friend gotta take the meal elsewhere."

He gasped when Benjamin raised his finger and shot a laser at his head.

"Now, wait a minute, I'm getting sick and tired of puny aliens firing at me when I tell them to behave themselves or leave. This is getting out of hand, so pack up the basket and the blanket and get off my companion's head!"

He jumped back when Benjamin raised his hand, but he didn't fire. He stayed like that and it took a moment for the Doctor to work out that he was just pointing.

"What? You wanna go straight ahead? Well, I'm sorry, but if you think Rose is a taxi, you and your friend are sorely mistaken. She does not give rides to…"

Rose yelped when Benjamin grabbed a handful of hair and yanked on it.

"OW! What the hell!" she screamed.

She yelled when Benjamin yanked again and pointed ahead.

"Stop doing that!" the Doctor yelled. "You're hurting her! She's not your ride, get off…"

He gasped when Benjamin fired the laser at him, yanked on Rose's hair and pointed ahead.

"No, no, I'll take them for a ride. Anything to get him to stop pulling on my hair," Rose said.

The Doctor glowered at the little robot when Rose quickly walked off. He followed along behind, watching while the two robots reached into the basket, pulled out a can of motor oil, some cheese and some wine glasses and set them down on the blanket. Benjamin poured the motor oil into the glasses. They clinked their glasses as hatches slid open where a mouth would normally be and they drank. The Doctor kept a close eye on them in case they hurt Rose again, but for the moment, the two were just content to stretch out on their blanket, drink their motor oil, eat their cheese and enjoy the view.

"How far are we supposed to walk?" Rose said after about ten minutes.

"I don't know, but if they don't get off you in the next few minutes, I'm making them leave. I'm not walking several miles away from the TARDIS because two robots want a little scenic carriage ride."

Suddenly, Benjamin yanked on Rose's hair again.

"OW! DAMN IT, I'm going!" Rose screamed. "What now, he wants me to speed up?"

"No," the Doctor said. "He's pointing off to his right, so I guess you're supposed to go that way."

Muttering under her breath, Rose turned to the right, stomped both her feet and walked on with the Doctor right behind her. They walked up the top of a hill and stopped when they noticed a tiny metal city at the bottom of it. They watched as hundreds of little bots walked up and down the pathways between the buildings going about their daily lives.

"Oh, so I guess little Benjamin just wanted a ride home," the Doctor said.

"Well, good, he can get off my head now."

The Doctor looked over and smiled when he saw Benjamin putting the basket and blanket back into his friend's head. Both of them flew off Rose's head and landed at the edge of the city.

"Bye, Benjamin, nice knowing you," the Doctor said, waving.

"Yeah, it would have been nicer if you hadn't yanked my hair the entire time I knew ya, but bye bye!"

They were about to turn and go back when they heard Benjamin let out a shrill squeak. Instantly the entire population came to a halt and walked over to him. Benjamin began to squeak at them while he pointed up to the Doctor and Rose. The robots looked at him, looked at the Doctor and Rose and started to swarm out of the city towards them.

"Um, what are they doing?" Rose said.

"I don't know, but I have a feeling Benjamin just told the city about the nifty transportation system he found. So, I suggest we run like hell back to the TARDIS before we become the local bus."

"Fine by me!"

Both of them turned and ran. They looked around and noticed the robots rising into the sky while they chased after them. They picked up speed and ran back to the TARDIS as fast as they could. They ran and ran trying to escape the robotic swarm.

"Leave us alone!" the Doctor yelled back at them! "We're not your mules!"

The robots ignored him and the Doctor and Rose ran until their lungs felt like they were going to burst out of their bodies and their hearts were going to explode. Finally, they saw the TARDIS up ahead. The Doctor ran to it, tried the door and found it was open. He shoved Rose inside, slammed the door and leaned against it, heaving and gasping for air while Rose slumped over the railing.

"Next time…" the Doctor gasped out, "a robot wants to ride you, I'm gonna risk getting shot and pull it off before we have to go through something like that again."

"Good," Rose gasped back.

The Doctor looked over when Jack entered the room and stared at them.

"Doc, Rose, you alright?" he said, walking over.

The Doctor swallowed hard and nodded while he pushed himself away from the door and staggered up the ramp.

"What happened?" Jack asked.

"Just…let me get the TARDIS away from this planet and then I'll tell you," he gasped as he reached the console.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jack set on the captain's chair completely pissed off. The Doctor had just finished telling him what had happened.

"So, once again, I miss seeing a little alien on the top of Rose's head," Jack said angrily. "I told you to let me know when cool stuff like that was happening!"

The Doctor's mouth fell open.

"How? You and Ianto went off somewhere for a snog. What was I supposed to do, yell at top of my lungs repeatedly until you showed up?"

"Well, you need a walkie talkie or something, so when aliens land on Rose's head, you can tell me."

"I am not getting a walkie talkie. I have never needed a walkie talkie and I don't need one now!"

"Oh, yeah, as often as you get into trouble? Maybe if you had one, you wouldn't get in half the messes you get in."

"Whatever, Harkness, I'm not gonna debate it," the Doctor said, holding up his hand. "If you and Ianto hadn't decided to go off and play kissy face you would have seen it. Next time, come with me and Rose and then maybe you'll see "cool stuff.""

Jack looked at Rose.

"This one plant a flagpole in your skull?" he asked her.

"No, he had a picnic on my head with his friend and yanked on my hair when he wanted me to go somewhere."

"Teeny robots had a picnic on your head? Damn, I really will have to stick by you guys in the future."

"Oh goody, just what I need, Jack Harkness tailgating me wherever I go," the Doctor muttered.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

(Two weeks later on the planet Swampizia…)

"Hmmm, fascinating," the Doctor muttered as he squatted down by a riverbank.

Jack and Ianto, who were standing nearby, walked over.

"What is?" Jack said.

The Doctor pointed to a small mound in the mud.

"This is the nest of a Porgia, a squid-like creature that lives in these waters. Normally, they make their nests in more remote areas, so this is the first I've seen."

"It looks like a mound of mud to me," Ianto said. "How do you know it's a nest?"

The Doctor gave him a smug grin.

"Because I'm brilliant," he said.

Ianto looked at Jack. He shrugged.

"Say what you will, the man has no problem with low self-esteem," Jack said.

The Doctor stood up.

"If the nest is here, the mother must be close, so we better not disturb…"

"Doctor?"

The Doctor looked over at a clump of trees beside him when he heard Rose's voice.

"Yes?"

"You said these Porgia are squids?"

"Yes, they're small purple squids."

"With tentacles?"

"Yes, why?"

Rose came out of the trees.

"Because one of them dropped onto my head and is holding on to my hair!" she said, pointing to the large purple blob on the top of her head.

The Doctor stared at her for a moment and then looked at Jack.

"There, cool stuff happening to Rose and you finally saw it," he said to him.

"Yes!" Jack said, pumping his fist.

Rose put her hands on her hips.

"Will you two idiots get over here and get the bleedin' octopus off my head?"

The Doctor grinned while he sauntered over to her.

"Oh, I don't know, Rose. I think the Porgia is nice and comfy now. Be a shame to disturb it."

"Yeah, I'm sure Rose's soft hair beats wet, swampy mud any day!"

Rose gave them a look of death when both men bent over laughing.

"Yeah, really funny. Get it off me!"

"Wait! Hold on! Not till I get my camera!" Jack said. "Just hold on, gotta go get it from the TARDIS."

Rose's mouth dropped open when Jack ran off. She glared at the Doctor who was trying not to laugh.

"Well…you gotta admit, the squid hat looks cute on you," he said, shrugging.

Rose sighed and walked over to Ianto.

"Ianto, please…could you?"

Ianto reached up and tried to take the squid off. However, the squid wrapped its tentacles around Rose's hair and clung fast.

"OW! Stop! It's pulling my hair!" Rose screamed.

"ROSE? NOW, WHAT'S GOING ON?" they heard Jack scream. "DAMN IT! I REALLY NEED TO HAVE MY CAMERA WITH ME AT ALL TIMES. I'M MISSING SOMETHING GOOD NOW!"

"JACK, DON'T YOU DARE TAKE A PICTURE!" Rose screamed out. "I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU DO!"

"DOESN'T BOTHER ME, BLONDIE, I'M IMMORTAL!" Jack screamed back.

"YOU CAN STILL DIE AND THAT'S WHAT COUNTS!"

Rose glowered at the Doctor who was failing to keep a straight face.

"Oh, get out of my way," she snarled at Ianto. "I'll have to do this myself."

She walked up to the Doctor, dived into his jacket pocket and grabbed the screwdriver.

"Hey! Do you mind? That's my property!" the Doctor said, incensed.

Rose ignored him. She aimed the screwdriver at her head and turned it on. The Porgia let out a howl, let go and slid off her head to the ground. Rose grabbed the Doctor's hand, slammed the screwdriver into his palm and stalked away just as Jack ran up.

"No, no, no! I wanted a picture, damn it!" he moaned as Rose went past him.

Ianto walked up to him.

"If I were you, Jack, I'd hide that camera before she smashes it. In fact, I think the two of you should just stay clear of her for a long while."

He followed Rose back to the TARDIS. Jack looked at the Doctor.

"So, I guess we should take Ianto's advice and let her cool down?" he said to him.

The Doctor nodded.

"Yeah, I think that's best. Follow me and we'll go for a walk and hopefully by the time we get back, the urge to kill us will have worn off. Come on!"

Jack nodded. Putting his camera in his pocket, he followed the Doctor and listened while he gave him a tour of the planet.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

Rose yawned as she entered the TARDIS kitchen. It was morning by her watch and she was hungry. She walked over to the fridge, opened it and got out some eggs, bacon and milk. As she put them on the counter, she paused and thought. In all her time traveling with the Doctor she had never seen him go to the grocery store. Jack and Ianto didn't go and neither did she, so how come the fridge was always stocked? She posed the question to the TARDIS and felt her answering in her mind.

_I do it_, she thought to Rose.

"How?" Rose asked.

_Ask for something._

"Okay…um, I want some bangers on a plate."

There was a flash of light and the requested item appeared in an empty space on the top shelf of the fridge. Rose picked up one of the bangers and examined it. She sniffed it and tasted it.

"It's good," she said to the TARDIS. "Can you make any food appear?"

The TARDIS grunted an affirmative. Intrigued, Rose decided to try a little test. She closed the refrigerator door and stared at the round dining room table in front of her.

"Okay, on this table, I want to see a huge silver platter filled with bacon butties, a huge bowl of chicken soup, a huge omelet on a purple plate, a plate of sushi and a three tiered wedding cake with blue frosting and a little plastic smurf figurine on top. Go!"

There was an enormous blinding flash and everything appeared. The wedding cake was in the center of the table with the other items spread around it. Rose nodded.

"Impressive," she said.

Just then, the Doctor entered the room and smiled at her.

"Mornin' Rose, another glorious day, time to get out there and explore and…"

He trailed off when he noticed the dining room table for the first time. He walked over to it and stared down at the silver platter heaped with bacon butties. Rose coughed nervously.

"Um, I just found out that the TARDIS supplies all the food for us, so I was just testing her and…"

"Rose!" the Doctor said, cutting her off.

He smiled from ear to ear.

"How'd ya know I had a craving for bacon butties this mornin'?" he said.

"I didn't. I just picked things at random and…"

She gasped when the Doctor bounded over and pulled her into a tight bear hug.

"You knew I wanted bacon butties!" he said happily. "My Rose who knows just what I want and when I want it came through for me again!"

Rose smiled and returned the hug, happy that the Doctor was happy. She smiled when he gave her a huge kiss on the forehead.

"My faithful companion who thinks of me and my needs! How did I ever get along without you?"

She blushed at that.

"I try," she said, shrugging.

She gasped when the Doctor hugged her tighter and nearly took all the air from her lungs.

"I am so happy you thought of bacon butties, Rose. Now I have something I can snack on while I fix the hyperdimensional transmogrifier this morning."

He released her, walked over to a cabinet and pulled out a little plate. Humming happily, he strolled over to the platter and eyed the sandwiches with barely contained glee.

"I think ten will do for starters," he said to himself.

Rose watched while he balanced ten bacon butties on the little plate. When he was done, he eyed his handiwork happily.

"Bacon butties, my Rose thinks of everything," she heard him say.

He was about to leave when he noticed the smurf on top of the cake. He looked at Rose.

"Um…is there a reason why there's a smurf on top of this wedding cake?" he said to her.

"No reason, that was just part of my test," Rose replied.

"Do you want it?"

"No."

"Good because I wasn't gonna let you have it anyway."

Balancing the plate with one hand he used the other to pluck the smurf from its perch. He licked the cake and frosting off its feet, wiped the saliva off on the front of his jacket and shoved it in his pocket. He pointed to the platter.

"I claim these in the name of my stomach, so guard them with your life because I'll be back for the rest," he said sternly.

He smiled at her. Whistling, he turned and walked out of the room.

"Okay, so do you expect me to just stand here and keep an eye on your bacon butties, Doctor?" she muttered. "Because if that's what you're hoping, I got some bad news for ya."

She looked over as Jack strolled into the room.

"Mornin' Rose," he said to her. "Or what passes for morning here. Honestly, I don't know how you ever got used to keeping track of time on this thing because I never did and…oh my God, I found the mother load!"

He stared at the table with delight. To Rose's horror, he focused in on the bacon butties.

"I think I'll help myself to a few of these babies," he said, reaching for them.

"No, wait! You can't."

Jack stared at her.

"Why not?"

"Those are the…Doctor's bacon butties," Rose said sheepishly.

"Did he make them?"

"Um…no, the TARDIS did."

"Then the TARDIS can make more. I'm hungry and this is the only thing that looks good to me."

Before Rose could say anything, he grabbed the platter and walked out the door.

"Oh bugger, now I'll never hear the end of this," Rose moaned. "I better replace them quickly."

She was about to ask the TARDIS for another platter but before she could do it, the Doctor entered with his empty plate and an eager look in his eyes.

"Right, next helping," he said.

He stopped short when he noticed a huge gaping hole in the table. He stood there staring at it, trying to work out where his beloved bacon butties had gone to. He looked under the table and all around the room before his eyes settled on Rose.

"Rose, curious thing just happened. The bacon butties have scarpered. By chance did you see where they went? Because I remember asking you to keep an eye on them for me."

"Jack took them," Rose said softly.

She flinched when the Doctor stared at her with a hard look on his face. He slowly walked over and looked directly into her eyes.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to remember asking you mere moments ago to guard the bacon butties with your life. Why is it that Jack Harkness still lives then and not only lives, but is now eating the rest of my early morning snack? Explain yourself."

"I couldn't stop him."

"Did you even try?"

"Um, I told him to stop."

"You…told…him," the Doctor said slowly. "Why didn't you break his legs off at the knees?"

"Doctor, the TARDIS can make more," Rose pointed out.

"That is not the point. I gave you an instruction and I expected it to be carried out without any excuses. You are my eyes, ears and muscle when I'm elsewhere and I depend on you to keep Jack Harkness's sweaty monkey paws off my property. You didn't do so and now instead of enjoying the rest of the delicious bacon butties, I have to live with the knowledge that they are now residing in monkey boy's gut. For shame, Rose, I shall have to give you a demerit for this."

"What does that mean?" Rose said.

"It means that you are going to lose one of your privileges until you redeem yourself in my eyes."

"And what privilege do I lose?" Rose said, folding her arms over her chest.

"You lose the right to view my good side until further notice. So until I say so, gaze only at the left side of my face. If I catch you looking at the right half, I will be even more severe and you will find yourself with a paper bag over your head so you can't look at me or anything else. For shame, Rose Tyler, for shaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!" he said, wagging his finger at her.

Rose rolled her eyes when he turned and sauntered out of the room.

"Yeah, I'm just sooooooo scared, Doctor," she muttered to herself as she went back to fixing her breakfast.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

"Ah! The planet Noel! The Christmas planet!" the Doctor as he, Rose, Ianto and Jack stepped outside. "Perfect place to spend the holidays. Nothing but Christmas stuff as far as the eye can see."

The Doctor's three companions stood close by him while he shut the TARDIS door. There was a large Christmas village in front of them with Victorian houses that were covered with fake snow. In their yards were snowmen, igloos, Christmas lights, decorations and other Christmas things. Christmas lights were strung across poles that lined the path between the houses lighting the way and giving the whole place a festive look. They also noticed that mounted on the poles were speakers and these were currently blaring out a Christmas song that sounded as if it were written by a five year old kid.

Christmas time and jingle bells  
Deck the halls and rooms and shelves  
Santa Claus is coming soon  
He'll be whistling a cheery tune  
Reindeer prancing on the roof  
Can't ya hear each one's hoof?"  
Sing it now; sing it strong  
Let's celebrate Christmas all year long.

The singer of the song had a high-pitched voice that made him sound like he was sucking helium. They also had the volume cranked up which meant there was no way to tune the song out. Even the Doctor who usually didn't let things faze him was annoyed at it.

"Isn't there someone who can turn that down? It's annoying," Rose said to the Doctor.

"Dunno, I s'pose we can find a manager. Just follow me in the meantime; we'll try to have fun while our ears are bleeding."

They walked over to the first house, a Victorian three story wooden house that was painted lavender. There was a large lighted Christmas tree in the front yard. The white lights on the tree threw a soft light on the fake snow around it. They stopped to admire it for a moment before they walked up the path. They walked up three wooden steps to the veranda. The Doctor knocked on the door and they waited. While they were waiting, Jack noticed movement in the large picture window by the door. He turned his head and saw a midget man glaring at them. The man had snow white hair and beard and was wearing a Christmas green elf suit that was trimmed with white fur.

"Um…Doc…" he said.

The Doctor looked back at him and looked where he was pointing. He waved to the man.

"Can we come in?" he said slowly so the man could read his words.

The door opened while they stared at the man and they turned their heads to see a little midget woman dressed in a similar elf suit. She had long snow white hair that matched the man's and she had golden spectacles perched on her large bulbous nose. She smiled warmly.

"Hello, welcome to our home, please come inside," she said in a slightly high pitched voice.

"Thank you," the Doctor said. "The other man seemed a bit unfriendly, the one at the window."

"Oh, that's just Gazonk, my husband, he's always that way. I'm Ruffula and I'm happy to have you here. Would you like a tour?"

Everyone nodded and Ruffula started to lead them through the house. They listened to her pointing out different Christmas objects on her tour. Rose was so interested in her descriptions of antique Christmas ornaments that it took her awhile to sense someone was behind her. She looked over her should and saw Gazonk following her. She smiled at him but he returned it with a neutral expression. Rose turned her head around, rolled her eyes and decided to ignore him. Ruffula was telling them about a delicate Christmas ball ornament, a dark blue ornament with golden swirls when Rose suddenly felt a hand on her ass. She looked around and noticed Gazonk was now resting with his hand propped on her ass while he looked at something behind him. Rose sighed angrily and took three steps forward, getting away from his hand. She returned the glare when Gazonk glowered at her. She was about to say something more when Ruffula finished talking about the ornament. She put it back on the wooden shelf and led them on. Rose shot Gazonk a warning look as she followed Jack and Ianto. As she followed everyone into the kitchen, her anger faded and her stomach growled at the scent of the stew bubbling on the antique cast iron stove. Ruffula asked if they wanted a bowl and everyone nodded eagerly. Ruffula pointed to a wooden table and they sat down while she went to fetch some bowls.

Rose sat down and stiffened when Gazonk pulled out the chair beside her and sat down. She looked at him and Gazonk smirked back.

"I'm sorry, is there something you want?" Rose said to him.

"No, just makin' sure you don't steal anything from us," Gazonk said.

"We won't steal," Rose said, incensed. "However, you better keep you little hand off my arse, got it?"

Gazonk said nothing and Rose shook her head, let out an angry sigh and ignored him while she watched Ruffula ladle stew into little white bowls. Then her eyes widened when she felt Gazonk poke her side, right under her right breast. She jerked her head around but Gazonk was sitting calmly waiting for his food. He caught her eye and snorted at her.

"I'm warning you, keep your hands off me," Rose growled at him.

"My hands are right here," Gazonk said, holding them up to her. "I ain't touching your pale little body."

"Just…keep to yourself," Rose said, fighting the urge to hit him.

She turned her head back to Ruffula who was passing out the bowls to everyone. Then she felt the finger poke her breast and she jumped up.

"Listen, ya git! I told ya, hands off!" she yelled, startling everyone except for Gazonk who glared at her.

"Rose, what's going on?" the Doctor said.

"He's…touching me. He put his hand on my arse and now he touched my side and my breast."

"I did not. The woman's lyin'," Gazonk said when everyone glared at him. "I'm just sittin' here waiting for my food and this woman is hallucinating and blaming it on me!"

"You're gonna be the one hallucinating when I give you brain damage!" Rose growled at him.

"Rose, sit down, calm down, yeah?" the Doctor said as he sat across from her. "In fact, come and sit beside me and that'll settle the matter."

Rose nodded. She glowered at Gazonk who let out another snort and sneered as she quickly walked around him, went around the table and sat down beside the Doctor. Ruffula set her bowl down in front of her and gave her a spoon. Then she went back to give Gazonk his food. Rose tasted the stew and smiled at how delicious it was. The stew meat was tender and the vegetables were flavorful. She could tell from everyone else's contented grunts and moans that they agreed with how good it was.

"This is wonderful, do you have recipe?" Jack asked Ruffula.

"I think I could copy it down for you," Ruffula said, giving him a glass of milk. "Just enjoy your meal in the meantime."

"That is a request I can fulfill with no problem," Jack said.

They all ate their meal while Ruffula poured their milk. Suddenly, Rose felt Gazonk's hand go up inside her legs and touch her crotch. Anger flared up in her mind and she quickly ducked her head down but she couldn't see anything. She looked up and Gazonk was across from her, calmly eating his stew. The Doctor paused mid-chew when he noticed Rose had stopped eating and was shooting daggers at Gazonk. He swallowed the food in his mouth.

"What's wrong?"

"He touched my crotch, that's what's wrong," Rose said, pointing to Gazonk.

"I did not! I'm just sitting here, enjoying my meal, ya daft woman!" Gazonk said to her. "I think what's wrong is you fancy me and you're fantasizing me feeling you up."

"No thanks, I prefer men that don't come up to my knee," Rose said angrily.

"I've been sitting here the whole time. Maybe you're imagining things and blaming it on me," Gazonk said. "If I were you, I'd take her to a psychiatrist because she's bonkers."

Rose gnashed her teeth but the Doctor grabbed her arm and shook his head when she started to protest.

"I'm not imagining it, Doctor," she protested. "He's lying!"

"Ruffula, is it possible for us to eat in the other room so Rose and Gazonk won't have to look at each other?" the Doctor asked her.

"Yes, you can eat in the living room. Gazonk, you stay here."

"Why me? She's the one that's off her trolley! Make her sit on the hard chair and eat," Gazonk protested.

"No, sit here, they're our guests," Ruffula said.

"You're guests, they're not mine," Gazonk muttered.

Rose snorted and rose from her seat. She took her bowl, spoon and glass and walked out of the room. She bristled when she heard Gazonk mutter, "Crazy bitch," behind her back but she kept on walking. She was behind everyone else and halfway to the living room, she felt Gazonk's finger go up between her legs and touch her crotch. She spun around and let out a triumphant yell when she saw Gazonk running back into the kitchen.

"SEE! I WASN'T LYING! HE'S A PERVERT!" Rose said, laying her dishes down on a nearby table. "That's it; I'm leaving before the rapist pulls down my trousers and has a go at me. See you lot later!"

Before anyone could protest, Rose stomped past them, hurried to the front door and left them behind.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

Rose was angry and she felt like kicking something, preferably the little elves that were all around her now, mingling with the tourists. She was angry at Gazonk for feeling her up in front of everyone and she had to fight the urge to go back to the house and break his fingers off one by one.

"MOVE!"

Rose gasped when someone screamed behind her in a high-pitched voice and she turned to see an elf woman carrying a large blue package. She was dressed in a blue elf costume with gold trimming and was as old as Ruffula.

"This is heavy, move it!" she shrieked at Rose.

"Alright, you don't have to be so rude! I'm movin' out of your way," Rose said angrily.

Rose stepped aside and clenched her fists while the elf lady muttered under her breath and moved past.

"I thought this place was filled with Christmas cheer!" she spat out.

"Rose?"

Rose turned and saw the Doctor walking towards her, a concerned look on his face. The anger drained away and her shoulders slumped as she walked towards a nearby bench. The Doctor followed her and sat down beside her.

"I wanted to kill that little git," Rose said to him as she looked at the fake snow.

"If it makes you feel any better, we had to restrain Jack before he did kill him," the Doctor said. "I would have left and come after ya sooner but Ianto didn't get him calmed down until a few minutes ago. So you would have had your wish. I personally gave them both a stern lecture and I'm going to tell the manager of this place, wherever he may be."

"And on top of all that, the other elves are rude and that…song…is still playing over and over. Are they trying to drive everyone insane?" Rose said, glancing up at the speaker mounted on a pole beside the bench.

"Perhaps this wasn't the best idea. I had no idea Noel had become such a tourist trap. It wasn't this way the last time I was here," the Doctor said. "Anyway, perhaps we better get back to the house before Jack turns Gazonk inside out."

"Good, let em."

"Then we spend the night in jail…right in the heart of the city…with that playing night and day," the Doctor said, pointing up to the speaker.

"Okay, I'm ready, let's go get em," Rose said, jumping up quickly.

"I figured you'd agree to my proposal once you realized the consequences if Jack commits mass murder," the Doctor said. "Come on, the quicker we can get them, the quicker we can go somewhere else."

"Yes, please. I'm tired of elf molesters and Christmas torture music," she said, taking his hand.

The Doctor led her back to the house, unaware that they were being watched by a sinister man.

"Yes, they're perfect," the man said to himself as he watched them walking back to the house on CCTV, "two more to add to my collection of elf slaves. All I need do is lure them here and use the dwarfizer on them and then a bit of brainwashing and I'll have new servants to entertain the tourists."

The man let out a throaty chuckle before he ordered his pets to pursue their new prey. The gates opened far below the man's lair and four of the man's pets burst forth in search of the Doctor and Rose.

By the time the Doctor and Rose reached the house, Jack was outside with Ianto waiting for them. He was still visibly angry but his expression became concerned when he saw them coming.

"Rose? Is everything alright?" Jack asked as he and Ianto walked up to them.

"Yeah, just needed a walk so I could cool down," Rose replied as Jack gave her a hug. "I'm fine now."

"Good because the elf was seconds away from getting his penis broken off and shoved down his throat. I…"

He trailed off when he heard rhythmic pounding and he frowned as he looked around.

"What the hell is that? Sounds like someone's doing a drum solo," he said.

His eyes bulged and the others looked where he was looking and gasped when they saw four robotic reindeer headed straight for them through the panicked crowd.

"Robodeer! Run for it!" Jack screamed as he and Ianto ran one way and the Doctor and Rose ran the other way.

Jack and Ianto looked over their shoulders and saw to their horror that all four deer ignored them and chased after the Doctor and Rose. He and his lover shared a look and they ran after the deer. Meanwhile, the Doctor and Rose were trying to get away from the metal deer, going through alleys, into shops and back out into the streets. But no matter where they went, the deer followed, leaving a path of destruction and startled and injured elves and tourists in their wake. The Doctor looked back and decided to try a diversion in order to save Rose. He told Rose to run right while he went left and he saw to his relief that the reindeer all decided to follow him instead of her. Rose stopped on the porch of a house and watched with anguish while the robot deer pursued the Doctor. Jack and Ianto glanced back at Rose briefly while they continued their chase.

"Doc, try to find somewhere to hide!" Jack screamed at him.

"No, Harkness, really? And here I thought we were all running the bloody marathon together!" the Doctor yelled back at him.

"Sarcasm does not flatter you, Doc!" Jack yelled back.

The Doctor was about to yell out that he was tired of being referred to as "Doc" when one of the reindeer suddenly did a rocket powered leap over his head. He landed in front of the Doctor while two more of them jumped to his sides. The Doctor suddenly found himself trapped by robot deer while Jack screamed at the deer to leave him alone. Then to his astonishment, one of the deer turned around and farted sleeping gas out its robotic ass into the Doctor's face. The Doctor sighed and fell to the ground, unconscious. One of the deer quickly rose into the air, shot a net out that ensnared the Doctor and enclosed around him and when the Doctor was secure in the net, it flew off. Jack yelled curses at the flying deer as it flew over his head.

"Jack!" Ianto said.

Jack was so busy cursing the flying deer that he didn't see the other deer had now turned their attention to them and were staring at them before suddenly breaking into a charge.

"SHIT!" Jack yelled as he and Ianto practically skidded to a stop, turned and ran hell for leather while the deer chased them through the streets.

"Noel suuuuucks!" Jack screamed as he and Ianto ran as hard as they could. "Merry Christmas, my ass! This is about as far from Christmas as you can get!"

Rose, who was watching from the porch, watched everyone heading her way.

"Move it, Blondie!" Jack screamed at her.

"Shit!" Rose said, throwing up her hands. "YOU WOULD BRING THEM BACK THIS WAY, JACK!"

"I DIDN'T MEAN IT!" Jack yelled as he and Ianto jumped up on the porch.

They ran across the porch and off the other side while the robot deer ran around it and gave chase.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

"EVERYBODY OUT OF OUR WAY! WE'RE BEING CHASED BY ROBO RUDOLPH!" Jack screamed as he, Rose and Ianto fled through a shop.

The patrons gave them odd looks but ten seconds later everyone was fleeing for their lives when the reindeer crashed through the back wall and nearly destroyed the small shop as they ran through it. Jack, Rose and Ianto ran out the front door and jumped off the porch, turning to the left and running through the busy street, screaming at everyone to run and hide. Once again, they were given odd looks until the reindeer crashed through the front wall of the shop and chased after them.

"We gotta find someplace to hide!" Jack yelled to his friends while they ran. "Hey, Grandma! Move or you really will get run over by a reindeer!" he yelled to an elderly lady as he ran past.

The grandmother screamed, threw up her walking frame and hit the ground as the reindeer thundered past her. Ianto pointed to a house with an open door and all three of them turned, ran up the stairs to the porch and ran inside it.

Meanwhile, the Doctor was strapped to a table that was positioned up and slightly tilted back 25 degrees. He was strapped down with leather straps that kept his wrists, ankles, chest, legs and arms to the metal table. He was in a room that surprisingly was pretty festive given he was a prisoner. There were Christmas lights all over the wood paneled room and a pretty green Christmas tree in the corner with gaily decorated presents heaped under it. On the red carpeted floor was a toy train that was going around and around on toy train tracks. The Doctor could swear it was somebody's home at Christmas if he wasn't strapped to a big metal table in the middle of all of it.

"Hello?" the Doctor called out. "Father Christmas? Did you do this? Have I been a bad boy this year? Yoo-hooooo, Santaaaaaaa!"

A door beside him opened and the Doctor jerked his head around.

"Father Christmas, you do exist!" he said. "I want a bicycle and…"

He trailed off when the man came through the door. He stared at him silently. The man was tall, thin, late 60's and was dressed in a long brown robe with a wide white stripe running down the front of it. He had long brown hair that went down his back and brown eyes that had a maniacal look to them. But the most unusual thing was the fact that he was wearing a brown beanie cap with fake reindeer antlers attached to them, antlers that were decorated with blinking Christmas lights. The Doctor was speechless as the man approached him.

"Um, okay," the Doctor said when he finally found his voice, "I'm assuming you're the mayor of crazyville then?"

"I am…the Deer Master."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"The Deer Master."

The Doctor stared at him as he neared the table. His eyes slowly went up to the Christmas lights blinking around his antlers and he gazed at them in a hypnotic silence.

"AND YOU!"

The Doctor snapped out of his reverie when the Deer Master spoke.

"You will be my latest servant and you will serve me faithfully, once the conversion and brainwashing is complete."

The Doctor stared at him, then his eyes slowly went up to the blinking Christmas lights and he gazed at them in a hypnotic silence. The silence was broken when the man turned and walked away from them. The Doctor was shocked to see the man had sewn a fake deer tail onto the back of his robe and he realized the white stripe must represent a deer's belly. A smile spread over his face and he began to snigger.

"What's so funny?" the Deer Master said.

"Um…where do you want me to start?" the Doctor said with a huge grin. "I'm sorry, but why the Deer Master. Deer are one of the gentlest animals on the planet, hardly a weapon in the hands of an evil megalomaniac."

"Ah, true. But under my guidance, my children will become the most feared animals on the planet. For you see, as a young child, I had a near death experience after I frightened a deer and it ran into me and kicked me in the head as I fell to the ground. While I was dead, the Deer God came to me and told me I was the chosen one, that I must lead my brothers and sisters to world domination! I…what's so funny?"

"I repeat, where do you want me to start?" the Doctor said. "So what will happen to me? Will I become part deer/part Time Lord and become your venison slave?"

"No, you shall become an elf."

The Doctor frowned.

"Huh? Why?"

"Because elves are expert at raising and handling deer. That is why Father Christmas employs them."

"I…see," the Doctor said. "Um…so Father Christmas is real then?"

"Of course, who do you think the Deer God is?"

The Doctor stared at him. Then his eyes slowly went up to the blinking lights on his antlers and he stared at them in a hypnotic silence.

"NOW!"

The Doctor snapped out of his reverie again when the Deer Master spoke.

"Prepare for your conversion, my newest slave!"

"Wait, those metal deer, those were yours?" the Doctor said, asking him a stupid question in an effort to keep him talking.

"Why, yes, you didn't figure that out?" the Deer Master said, turning to him in shock.

"I'm dim, that's why I could get captured by farting reindeer," the Doctor replied with a goofy look on his face. "I have a very low IQ. Sad, really, but what can you do? Duuuuuuh!"

The Deer Master came close to him. The Doctor stared at him and then slowly his eyes went up to the…

"You do not appear to be stupid."

The Doctor's gaze was stopped when the Deer Master spoke, he looked at his face as the Deer Master studied him intently.

"As long as you can carry out commands, you do not need to be a super genius," the Deer Master finally said.

"Yes, but that's just it, I'm not that clever. Duuuuuh!"

"You lie and you're hiding something as well!"

The Doctor stiffened when the Deer Master put his fingers against the Doctor's temples. He threw up mental barriers just in case the Deer Master really could read his thoughts. He cocked his eyebrow when the Deer Master closed his eyes and made a sort of gurgling noise that sounded like he was drowning in his own saliva. Then he went quiet and the Doctor's eyes slowly went up to the blinking lights…

"There is another!"

The eyes focused back on the Deer Master's face. The Deer Master chuckled.

"Yes, there is another. You care for her deeply."

The Doctor narrowed his eyes and threw up another barrier around his mind. Suddenly, the Deer Master didn't seem that much of a joke to him.

"What if I were to bring her here and enslave her beside you?"

"Leave her alone! I'm warning you!"

"Aha! You are no match for me, Bob!"

The Doctor frowned.

"Bob?" he said.

"Yes, that is your real name, I saw it, my mind reading powers are absolute."

"I…see…" the Doctor said, his estimation of the Deer Master suddenly lowering back to zilch. "What is the name of the one that I care for then?"

"Ruth!" the Deer Master proclaimed confidently.

"That's amazing; I can't believe you did that. You actually read my mind!" the Doctor said with mock astonishment.

"Yes, I am multitalented, aren't I? And now, Bob, you will do as I say or Ruth dies!"

"No," the Doctor said melodramatically. "Not Ruth, spare my beloved Ruth's life, I beg of you!"

"Beg some more, Bob!" the Deer Master said with glee.

The Doctor had to fight to keep from laughing.

"Oh please, spare my beloved Ruth, I can't bear the thought of her being a slave of the Deer Master, the greatest fiend in the universe," he said melodramatically, actually beginning to enjoy the whole exchange despite being strapped to a table. "I will do anything to spare Ruth from that dark fate!"

"Too late, Bob, for she is nearly in my clutches along with your brothers, Simon and Bartholomew!"

The Doctor let out a soft snigger before composing himself again.

"No, not Ruth, Simon and Bartholomew! Spare them!" the Doctor said as campily as he could. "Spare them from reindeer servitude! Take me, poor, pitiful Bob! I will serve you mindlessly if you'll spare Ruth, Simon and Bartholomew!"

"Too late! My mechanical servants nearly have them and once they are in my grasp, the conversion and brainwashing can begin. So say your prayers, Bob! Because soon you will be my slave!"

The Doctor watched as he left the room. He smirked, waiting for the moment the Deer Master met Ruth, Simon and Bartholomew.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

Jack felt like his lungs were about to explode. They finally managed to evade the robot reindeer long enough to take refuge in a large shop. The shop seemed to carry an assortment of different items but apart from a few sledgehammers there didn't seem to be anything that could stop the reindeers. They dimmed the lights and sat in a dark corner, resting their bodies and getting their second wind back.

"D'ya think the Doctor's alright?" Rose asked.

"Don't know but at the moment he's on his own until we can shake the robo deer," Jack said. "I just wish we could find something that could help us do that."

Ianto looked around and spied something on a nearby shelf. He got up and quickly walked over to it. Jack and Rose watched while he pulled a large white electronic device off the shelf and examined it before carrying it back to them.

"I think this is a fog machine," Ianto said to them. "If we can get enough fog going in here, we have some cover while we make our escape if they come in here."

"Good idea," Jack said.

Rose kept watch while they plugged it in and figured out how to work it. They turned it on and a door opened in the side and fake fog started to quietly pour out of the hole. They set it a few feet in front of them and sat back down as the room slowly started to fill up with fog. Rose didn't say anything but now that the room was filling up with fog, the whole room looked a hell of a lot creepier.

"This isn't filling up fast enough, is there a faster setting?" Jack asked as he walked over to the fog machine.

He found a speed dial, turned it all the way to the right and the fog shot out of the machine like a cannon. The fog began to fill up the whole room and in five minutes it was chest level as the three friends sat on the floor and waited for the reindeer to either find them or give up. They could tell by the sounds of destruction and screams that the reindeer were still on the hunt for them. Then when the fog was swirling around the room, they heard the sound of splintering wood as the reindeer finally entered the building. Rose, Jack and Ianto slowly made their way to the door, using the pea soup thick fog for cover. Then something happened that caused them to freeze. They heard a faint weeeeeeee sound and a bright light suddenly cut through the fog. They stayed motionless for a moment wondering where the light was coming from and then they noticed that the light was coming from the nose of the lead reindeer.

"Oh, hell, no," Jack said.

The three of them suddenly leapt up and ran out the door while the three deer burst through the walls. The light on the nose of the lead reindeer acted like a headlight and it blinded Jack when he glanced back over his shoulder for a look at them. Then the lead reindeer leapt up and got in front of them, bringing them to a halt. The other reindeer quickly surrounded them and the three friends threw up their hands and surrendered.

The Doctor's eyes snapped open and he looked around. After the Deer Master left the room, the Doctor was left with his thoughts for awhile until suddenly, out of the blue, a gas shot up from the floor on either side of him, rendering him unconscious. And now he was waking up somewhere where he wasn't restrained. He got to his feet and was shocked when he noticed that the furniture in the room was enormous, nearly three times his height. He looked around the room, taking in the massive chairs and tables and then he looked down at himself and noticed he had a snow white beard and was wearing a green elf outfit. His eyes bulged when he remembered the Deer Master's threat.

"No, he didn't…" the Doctor said, running his hand down his long snow white beard that came down nearly to his navel.

He looked around at the extra large furniture and had a thought.

"Wait, the furniture must be the same size, it's me that's…shrunk."

He looked around, frantically looking for a way out but there was none. He walked over to a large leather chair and touched it.

"This can't be happening, I can't be an elf," he said to himself. "If he's done this to me, I'm gonna rip those antlers off his hat and shove them up an unpleasant place!"

He began to walk around the room, muttering to himself about making the Deer Master eat his Christmas lights, while he tried to find a way out.

Meanwhile the three friends rode the mechanical deer down an underground ramp into a large room beneath the town. They had been forced onto the deer's back and it took several pokes to their asses before they realized what the deer wanted. The room they were in was festively decorated except for the empty metal table with straps at the center of it.

"Christmas for masochists?" Jack said, gesturing to the table as they got off the deer's backs.

"Where's the Doctor? Where are we?" Rose said.

She turned to the deer and got down in the lead deer's face.

"Look, whoever you are, you better let us and the Doctor go right now!" she yelled in case someone was watching and listening to them.

Nothing happened. The deer stayed motionless and Jack sighed as he walked around the room.

"Alright then, if you're not gonna show yourself, I'm taking a gift," he said, picking up a large one.

"Um, Jack…should you be doing that?" Ianto said when he started shaking it. "What if those are bombs?"

"Then we die and get away from the insane robo deer. Well…you die, I die and come back, I suppose. But anyway, until our host shows him or herself, I'm opening presents."

He tore open the present in his hand and pulled out a black teddy bear with a big blue bow.

"Hey, they're real gifts! Brilliant!" he said.

He handed the bear to Rose and went for the next gift. Rose examined the bear, thinking it might be a weapon of some kind and when she realized it was just a teddy bear, she snuggled it against her. Meanwhile, Jack whistled when he opened a box and pulled out a black leather jacket.

"Ooooh, please let this be my size," he said, slipping his blue coat off.

"What are you doing?"

Everyone turned around and saw the Deer Master standing behind the deer, glaring angrily at them. The three friends stared at him, then their eyes slowly went up to the…

"I said, what is the meaning of this? Why are you opening my Christmas gifts?" the Deer Master demanded.

"Oh…um, sorry, it's just that you didn't show up and I was bored and curious," Jack said sheepishly. "Nice jacket, by the way. So…where is the Doctor? What have you done with him? And what's with the goofy outfit?"

"I have summoned no doctor," the Deer Master said. "And as for the outfit, I am…the Deer Master! And now…you will obey me."

"Yeah, I might be a bit more scared if you dressed like a normal bad guy, not like you're returning from an all night Christmas bender," Jack said. "Now what have you done with the Doctor?"

"I told you there is no doctor here."

"The Doctor. The skinny man those things kidnapped," Rose said, pointing to the deer.

"Oh, you mean Bob? He's fine…for now."

"Bob?" Jack said. "His name's not Bob, you idiot. It's the Doctor."

"No, he is Bob. She is Ruth and you are either Simon or Bartholomew. I've seen it in Bob's mind when I did a mind scan."

The three friends glanced at each other.

"Okay, obviously not playing with a full deck," Jack said to them before he turned his attention back to the Deer Master. "Look, Deer Master, take us to Bob right now."

"You will see Bob in time but first you will come with me. I want to turn you into elves so you will serve me and my children."

"Children?" Ianto said. "You mean someone was actually nuts enough to procreate with you?"

"Oho, score one for Yan," Jack said while Rose chuckled. "So where is Bob?"

"I told you, you will see him in good time. For now, you will come with me for your conversion."

"No, I don't think so," Jack said.

He suddenly rushed past the deer, knocked the antler cup off the Deer Master's head and shoved the leather jacket down over his eyes. While the Deer Master tried to get it off, Rose and Ianto shared a glance, ran behind him and shoved him hard, knocking him into the table. The Deer Master grunted and slipped into unconsciousness.

"And just for being rude, I'll take this coat and keep it," Jack said, grabbing the leather jacket.

They looked at the deer but they never moved through the whole attack and were quietly standing at attention.

"Apparently, Larry, Moe and Curly don't move unless Wacko says so," Jack said.

"What do we do now?" Ianto asked.

"Now we find the Doctor, wherever he may be," Jack said. "And we find a way out of this room. So…"

He made a search of the Deer Master's robes, flinching for a moment when he pulled up his robe and saw no underwear. Fighting back revulsion, he slipped his hand up under the robe when he noticed there was a brown bag tied to a belt that went around his bare waist. He fished around in the sack, found what looked like a remote control to something and tried it.

"Thank God, I don't have to put my hands up near Nutsy's wrinkled balls any more," Jack said when the door slid open. "Right, let's go find the Doctor and get the hell out of here and off Noel for good!"


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

The Doctor pounded a frustrated fist on the extra large door.

"I WILL NOT SPEND THIS REGENERATION AS AN ELF!" he yelled. "IF YOU DON'T CHANGE ME BACK, DEER MASTER, YOU'LL REGRET IT! I AM THE ONCOMING STORM, NOT THE ONCOMING ELF! OPEN THIS DOOR AND CHANGE ME BACK!"

"Doc?'

The Doctor shut up when he heard Jack's voice on the other side of the door.

"Yes, it's me. The Deer Master has locked me in here and he's made me into an elf! Try to get the door open."

There was a short pause and then he heard Jack mutter, "Made him an elf?" before he heard him fiddling with the door. There was a click and the Doctor stepped back so he, Rose and Ianto could come inside. To his horror, once they were inside, he realized that they had been shrunk down as well since they were around the same height as he was.

"Oh no, he's made you into elves as well?" he said to Jack.

"Um…no, Doctor, no one's made you into an elf," Jack said.

"Yes, he has. Look at the door, look at the furniture," the Doctor said to him. "Look at this beard. I'm an elf."

Rose walked over to a chair and examined it. She walked around the back.

"Doctor, you're not an elf and I can prove it," Rose said, walking back to him.

"How?"

Rose took his hand and led him back to the chair. They went to the back of it and Rose pointed to a large white tag hanging off the back.

"Read this, Doctor," she said.

The Doctor stepped in front of her, grabbed the tag and read it. It said…

OVERSIZED NOVELTY CHAIR

HARRY'S HA-HA HUT  
1340 SHIZAM ROAD,  
FORTESQUE, ANDROMEDA, 00908-5443

"It's a fake oversized chair," Rose said.

The Doctor stared at the tag for a moment while his mind processed that. While he was doing that, Jack walked over to him. He stared at the beard intently and then tapped the Doctor on the shoulder. When he looked up, Jack grabbed the beard and yanked it off his face as the Doctor yelped in pain. Then he handed him the fake beard and folded his arms over his chest while he gave the Doctor a pointed look. The Doctor examined the beard, then the chair and his face slowly turned crimson when he realized that he'd been deceived.

"Right, that tears it! Out of my way, everyone, that fucker must die!" he said as he headed for the door.

Jack, Ianto and Rose followed the Doctor through the building while he screamed over and over for the Deer Master to show himself. In his search for his nemesis, he happened to find his clothes and hurriedly changed back into them before continuing the search. On the way past a window, he happened to look out and see a large stable with reindeer inside them. Playing a hunch, he headed for the nearest exit on the stable side and stomped out to it with Jack and Rose tailing along. He entered the stable and saw his quarry at the back of it.

"There you are. You are in for the arse kicking of your life. No one humiliates me and gets away with it!" the Doctor said as Jack, Rose and Ianto followed behind him.

"You may have escaped my brainwashing but you will never defeat my children," the Deer Master said as he quickly opened a stable door beside him.

He hurried inside and came out carrying a reindeer fawn in his arms.

"Behold, Bob, your doom. This is Diablo and he will make short work of you once I let go of him."

The Doctor and his companions stopped and the Doctor stared at the cute, fuzzy deer shivering with fright in his arms.

"Oh, really?" he said while his companions shared a look. "Well, do your worse, I'm not afraid of Diablo!"

"Get him, my pet, destroy Bob!"

He dropped the deer and everyone watched as it bounded past the Doctor and went out the stable door. Everyone waited but Diablo didn't come back.

"What's Diablo gonna do, lie in wait and ambush me?" the Doctor said.

"Diablo was weak. He was unfit to be my minion but you will not escape Hades!"

The Doctor sighed angrily when the Deer Master threw open another stable door and went inside. They heard him struggling with something and then watched as he tried to pull a female reindeer out of her stable while she resisted.

"Get him, Hades! Kill Bob and his lover and brothers!"

The Doctor looked back at his companions when Hades stepped on the Deer Master's foot and then butted him with her head, knocking him to the ground. Then the deer went past her master and walked slowly towards the Doctor.

"Hello, love," the Doctor said, stroking her neck when she came up to him and sniffed. "Feel sorry for you, the pet of this loon. I'm surprised he feeds you."

Hades walked past him and sniffed Rose. Rose smiled and she, Jack and Ianto stroked the deer while the Doctor put his hands in his pockets and casually walked over to the Deer Master who was getting to his feet.

"You will never escape me! I am invicible!" the Deer Master said as the Doctor stopped a few feet away and gazed at him calmly. "I will defeat you!"

Suddenly, the Deer Master barreled into him, knocking him back. He ran past the Doctor and shoved Jack when Jack tried to make a grab for him.

"YOU'VE NOT HEARD THE LAST OF ME, BOB! I WILL DEFEAT YOU ONE DAAAAY!" he screamed as he ran out the door.

"So…" Jack said, "what do we do? We go get him?"

"Nah, he's just an insane old man. Let him be. Perhaps someone around here can get him help," the Doctor said to him. "Let's go talk to his so-called slaves."

"Slaves?" Ianto said.

The Doctor snorted and told them about the Deer Master's claim that the other elves in the village were his slaves.

"Somehow, I doubt it, given that he's lied about everything else," the Doctor said. "At any rate, we can get the old bugger some psychiatric help before we leave and make sure these deer are well cared for by someone who doesn't have designs on taking over the world with them."

He stroked Hade's back along with the others. Then they carefully put her back in her stable, found Diablo and put him back, made sure they and the other deer were fed and watered and left to find someone to talk to about the Deer Master.

"Well, that was…interesting," Jack said when they were all back inside the TARDIS. "And informative too. At least we found out the robo deer were stolen from an animatronic exhibit. That explains those things. Question is, will we ever see him again? I mean, no one could find him."

"Perhaps the Doctor is underestimating him and he's lying in wait for him, ready to turn him into an elf the next chance he gets," Rose said, wiggling her finger. "Ooooooo, think of it, Doctor, the Deer Master will be back and you are doooomed!"

"Yeah, forgive me if I don't change my soiled from fear underwear right away," the Doctor said dryly while his companions laughed. "In the meantime, it's onwards and upwards and on to new adventures. So hold on to your hats, my friends, because we are on to our next adventure!"


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

It was a quiet day and Rose was in the living room reading a book. She was wearing blue jean shorts and a white t-shirt with white socks. She flicked her foot lazily while she lay on the sofa. A sofa pillow supporting her head while she read. She turned the page and saw some movement out of the corner of her eye. She glanced up and her eyes narrowed when she saw Jack leaning over the sofa.

"No," she said. "Whatever you have in mind, the answer is no."

"Tsk, tsk, tsk, look at these clothes," Jack said.

Rose lowered her book and looked at her clothes.

"What about them?" she said to Jack.

"My dahling, they're so blasé. You need a new look. You need to see the greatest fashion designer of all time!"

"Oh? Who's that, you?"

"Me? No, I'm toilet paper next to the great Jean Claude D'allons-y!"

"Who's he?"

"Come and see," Jack said, beckoning to her.

Rose stared at him for a moment and then with a sigh lowered the book, figuring he wouldn't go away till she saw what he wanted her to see. She sighed, marked her place, put the book on the coffee table and stood up.

"Lead the way," she said to Jack.

"Follow me and meet…"

Rose waited for Jack's dramatic pause to end.

"Jean Claude D'allons-y," he finished in a hushed voice.

Rose had an idea who Jean Claude was, particularly since his last name just happened to be the catchphrase of a very familiar person. But she knew if she didn't play along, they would be giving her tittie twisters and wet willies next so she took Jack's hand and let him lead her along the corridors. They stopped at a door and Jack put his finger to his lips. Rose sighed when Jack opened the door just enough to stick his head in.

"He's here," Jack said in a hushed voice.

"Yes, the Doctor is here in his TARDIS."

"Doctor?" Jack said, feigning confusion. "No, this is Jean Claude D'allons-y. Come and meet…the master."

He opened the door and Rose pushed past him. The room was lit only by candlelight. In the back of the room, the Doctor was sitting on a wooden stool. He was reading a newspaper and that obscured the top half of his body. Beside him was a high, narrow table. On the table was a small plate. On the plate was two croissants. While they watched, the Doctor's hand snaked out from behind the newspaper, grabbed the nearest croissant and jerked back behind the newspaper. Jack approached with deference.

"Master Jean Claude, I have brought someone in need of a fashion makeover," he said.

The Doctor lowered the newspaper and Rose snorted when she saw his face. He had taken an eyebrow pencil and drew a line across his upper lip that she guessed was supposed to be a pencil thin mustache. And he had drawn a triangle on his chin that she guessed was a goatee. He was wearing his glasses and used them as he looked her up and down for a moment before he said…

"Pig swill."

"Sorry?" Rose said.

"Your outfit is pig swill," the Doctor said in an exaggerated French accent. "It is horrible, ghastly, unimaginative and an eyesore. In short, pig swill."

"And your outfit is spectacular, mister suit and plimsols?" she shot back.

The Doctor took another bite of the croissant in his hand and chewed it thoughtfully while he looked her over.

"Francois," he said to Jack.

"Yes, Monsieur D'allons-y?" Jack said.

"Bring in my latest creation. We shall turn this uncouth child into a sensation."

"Yes, Monsieur D'allons-y!" Jack said, running out of the room.

Rose watched while the Doctor finished his croissant, carefully folded his newspaper and sat it on the table. He got up from his stool and put his hands behind his back. Rose watched him warily while he walked around her, observing her from every angle. He paused at her breasts and leaned in, staring at them intently.

"Oi!" Rose said, smacking him on the head.

The Doctor leaned back up and turned his nose up, looking down his nose at her while she glared back at him. He sniffed and took hold of his chin.

"My dear girl," he said in his French accent, "what products do you use on your face? You're as white as a mime."

"And you're whiter than a polar bear's bum so what products do you use on _your_ face?"

The Doctor ignored her retort as he walked back to his table, seized the other croissant and ate it. He munched on it while he came back to her and studied her. He then leaned in and took another bite of the croissant while he stared at her breasts.

"Get away from my breasts before I jam that croissant down your throat," Rose growled at him.

"These are misshapen, have you considered surgery?" the Doctor said, leaning back up.

Rose's mouth dropped open at his cheek. She was about to slap him when Jack came back into the room, carrying a large brown box.

"Ah! My latest creation!" the Doctor said, crossing over to the box.

He opened it up and with a grand gesture reached in and pulled out a one piece bathing suit. It was made of sparkly purple latex with a large grey photo of Saturn on the front of it. He held it up to Rose who gave him a you must be kidding me look in response.

"This shall be the start of your grand makeover. Please put it on," the Doctor said, giving it to her.

"What happens if I don't put it on?" Rose said, mocking his French accent.

"There shall be dire consequences," the Doctor said ominously.

"Yeah, there's always dire consequences with you," Rose said, shaking her head.

The Doctor took the box outside and Jack followed him so she could change. Once the door was closed, Rose looked at the bathing suit with distaste before letting out a world weary sigh and taking off her clothes. She changed into the bathing suit and knocked on the door to let them know she was finished. The Doctor and Jack entered and the Doctor brightened when he saw the bathing suit on her.

"Bien," he said, setting the box down. "Tres bien. That looks fabulous on you. Now…for the next part of your makeover."

Rose's eyes bulged when he reached in and pulled out a huge papier mache model of Saturn that was glued to a wide strip of purple fabric. The fabric tapered off into two ear flaps that could be tied up. Rose glared at the Doctor when he plopped the Saturn on top of her head and brought the ear flaps down, tying it under her chin.

"Bien!" the Doctor said. "And now…the piece de resistance!"

Jack had Rose sit on the stool while the Doctor reached in and pulled out a pair of sparkly purple leg warmers and purple slippers. Rose eyed him when the Doctor put the leg warmers on her and the slippers on last.

"Voila!" he said, stepping back. "And now we shall have the photo shoot. Francois?"

Rose's eyes bulged when they both snickered and whipped out digital cameras.

"I believe this should go on Facebook, eh, Monsieur D'allons-y?" Jack said, nudging the Doctor.

"Oh yeah," the Doctor said in his normal voice. "It'll make a great addition to my photo section."

"Does that mean once you're done humiliating me, I can blacken both your eyes, cause you blindness and then snap some photos of that for my Facebook?" Rose said. "Because if you take one photo of me wearing this piece of shite, I will beat you until your faces swell up to the size of the Hindenburg!"

The Doctor and Jack shared a glance.

"Dare we?" Jack said to the Doctor.

The Doctor looked at the livid expression on Rose's face. He looked at Jack and both of them turned and sprinted out of the room before Rose could beat them into submission. Rose grumbled, untied the headgear and threw it to the floor. Muttered to herself about having the Doctor and Jack sectioned, she walked over, slammed the door and began to undress.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

Rose was standing beside the Doctor while he fiddled with his console. She laughed when he did his usual little dance around it. Then suddenly he froze and got an odd look on his face.

"What is it?" Rose said.

"Follow me," the Doctor said, beckoning to her as he walked past.

Rose, her curiosity peeked, followed him. The Doctor led her out of the room and down a couple of corridors before he stood in the middle of one. Rose came up beside him and watched while he slapped the roundels in a random pattern. After slapping the tenth one, the wall slid open and Rose stepped back in shock.

"Whoa, a secret passage, how come you didn't tell me…"

She trailed off when the Doctor didn't respond but quietly walked through the wall into a secret passageway. Rose followed behind him into darkness. She looked around and panicked when the wall slid back, plunging them into darkness.

"Um…Doctor, I can't see."

The moment the words left her mouth, roundels lit up above them, providing ample light. Rose shrugged and followed the Doctor. They turned the corridor up ahead and Rose was shocked to see cartoon birds flying around their heads as if they were in a Disney film. She watched while cartoon deer and raccoons and bunnies came out of nowhere and romped around the Doctor while they sang about his greatness in high pitched voices. The Doctor kept on walking, not acknowledging them. Then the walls on either side of the corridor disappeared and on either side of them was a Disney-like forest. Standing between the trees were robot children who sang to them as they passed by.

"You must love the Doctor," they sang in their childlike voices, "he's great and strong and good. You must love the Doctor like every person should."

"Give me a break," Rose muttered as she rolled her eyes.

The Doctor kept on moving, not looking at or acknowledging any of this, even when a rainbow arched over his head and followed him with every step. Rose noticed that the dancing animals and rainbow were ignoring her and she was glad since the animals were doing complicated dances moves and weaving in and out of the Doctor's legs. Then suddenly, there was a crash of thunder and the animals and children ran into the trees. The rainbow disappeared and they walked through a doorway into another room. This room was dark and had a simulated thunderstorm in it. The lightning flashed above them and lightning bolts jumped from cloud to cloud. On either side of them was a graveyard with hundreds of tombstones. There were no walls now, only the graveyard and the thunderstorm above their heads. The Doctor walked purposefully; ignoring it all while Rose looked all around her. Then she heard moans and looked up. She saw simulated ghosts flying over them.

"What the hell is this?" Rose muttered. "We went from the Snow White forest to graveyard of doom?"

She heard a creak and looked to her left. She stopped when she saw the top of a crypt opening up. Her eyes bulged when a Ninth Doctor robot peeked his head out and stared at her with a menacing expression.

"Brains!" Zombie Nine said, pointing to her. "Braaaains!"

"Give me a break," Rose said, jogging to catch up to the Doctor.

By the time she caught up to him, he was leaving through another doorway. Rose stopped a few feet behind him and slowed her pace back to normal. They entered the next room and Rose gasped when her foot hit a moving sidewalk. She stood behind the Doctor who now had his hands behind his back while the sidewalk moved them along. It was still dark and Rose couldn't see anything but when the sidewalk moved them into the next room, she suddenly saw a farm on either side of them. She gazed at the white farmhouse and red barn and silo in wonder as she wondered what else the TARDIS had inside her. She saw robot cows grazing and heard pigs squealing and chickens clucking before they reached the next doorway. The moment they entered the next doorway, they instantly got on an escalator and Rose gasped when she nearly tripped. They rode the escalator up and Rose looked above her head at several crystal chandeliers that were hanging above them, providing a soft light for their ascent.

Then the escalator ended and they were back on the sidewalk. This time they were in a portrait room. Rose looked at the portraits of the individual Doctor's starting with One and going down the corridor in sequence. They got to the current Doctor's portrait and Rose's eyes bulged when she noticed that Ten was completely naked for his portrait and he was pointing to his penis which was huge and erect. She was shocked when the portrait after that had another Doctor in it, but his back was turned so she couldn't see his face. She could see a tweed jacket, brown hair and a fez and he seemed to be holding a mop. Her curiosity raged as she silently willed the eleventh Doctor to turn around. But they passed by and Rose noticed the next two portraits were just empty frames with signs hanging from them that said, COMING SOON. The sidewalk took them through a doorway into the next room and Rose's mouth fell open when she saw a ginormous statue of the Tenth Doctor above them. His massive feet were planted on either side of the sidewalk and they were going under his legs. She craned her neck and could see the Doctor's stone face was staring down at her from fifty feet up. He had a randy look on his face and was completely naked while he pointed to his huge massive erection which shot out into the sky like a ledge. Rose looked at her Doctor.

"You like your penis, don't you?" she said to him.

The Doctor didn't respond or acknowledge her and they passed into the next room. Rose grunted when the sidewalk stopped and she nearly stumbled into the Doctor. She managed to right herself before hitting the floor but she bumped into the Doctor when he suddenly stopped.

"Careful," the Doctor said over his shoulder.

"Doctor, where are we going?" Rose said.

The Doctor didn't answer, he stared straight ahead. Rose stood behind him wondering what was going to happen next when suddenly the section of floor they were standing on lifted off the ground. Rose grabbed the Doctor's arms as the floor rose up through a narrow corridor. Again, they saw more portraits but this time it was all the companions the Doctor had. Rose forgot her fear and concentrated on looking at the portraits of her predecessors. Her mouth fell open when they got to her portrait and she could see herself in the altogether, holding her breasts which were two times bigger than they normally were. Her tongue was hanging out like she was about to lick the Doctor's body. Rose, incensed, tapped the Doctor on the shoulder but he ignored her as they went upwards. Then the floor stopped and Rose noticed that it was now attached to another floor in another corridor. The Doctor stepped away and Rose sighed as she followed him.

"Where are we going?" Rose asked in exasperation.

She sighed angrily when the Doctor continued to ignore her. They reached another escalator and the Doctor and Rose went up it. They reached the top and stepped off and she saw two lifts. The Doctor pushed the up button on the first one and when the doors opened, they stepped inside. Rose gasped and covered her ears when loud muzak blared from an overhead speaker but the Doctor seemed unaffected by the noise. They went up several floors and then the doors opened. Rose ran out of the elevator, her ears hurting from the muzak but the moment the lift doors closed she couldn't hear the music. She followed the Doctor as he walked along another corridor and then at the end of it, she saw a single wooden door. The Doctor opened the door and she saw a lavatory. She started to follow the Doctor but he spun around and held up his hand, stopping her. She stood and watched while the Doctor walked into the room and closed the door. Her eyes bulged when the Doctor suddenly screamed, "FIRE IN THE HOLE!" followed by a pbbbt sound. She made a face imagining what was happening as the pbbbt sound continued for half a minute. Then she heard a loud, "Ahhh!" before the toilet flushed. When the door opened, the Doctor looked relieved as he stepped out.

"Wait, you went through all this just to use the bog?" Rose said to him.

"Well, yes, I ate some Hella Hot Sauce Tacos and they disagreed with my tummy so I had to do a number two in the little old loo."

"Yeah, but there are loos closer to the console room than this," Rose said.

"This is my private lavatory though," the Doctor said, pointing to the door. "The other loos are for my companions and…oh…oh…excuse me," the Doctor said, holding his stomach before running back inside the lavatory.

"And why was I needed to come with you?" Rose muttered as she heard the Doctor scream FIRE IN THE HOLE followed by the pbbbbt sound. "Sometimes, Doctor, I think you're a little bit too clingy," she added as the pbbbt sound continued.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

"Good night, Doctor," Rose said, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"Good night, Rose, pleasant dreams," the Doctor said, smiling at her while he sat on the jump seat reading a science magazine.

She walked back to her bedroom, opened the door and got ready for bed. When she was ready, she pulled back the cover, got in and pulled them up to her chest. She reached over to her nightstand, turned off the light and was asleep in minutes. Within twenty minutes, she began to dream…

She was standing in the middle of a field that seemed to go on forever. She was wearing the purple nightdress she had worn to bed and the sheer nightgown showed off her body whenever a strong wind blew. She looked around, wondering where she was when she heard a wheezing sound. She turned around and saw the TARDIS materializing about ten feet from her. She raised her eyebrows when she noticed the paint job looked brighter than she remembered it and there was a small St. John's sticker on the door opposite the sign. She waited while the TARDIS stopped and powered down. Then the door opened and someone unfamiliar stepped out. He was tall and thin and was wearing brown boots, dark trousers, a white shirt with pink pinstripes, brown tweed jacket, a red bow tie and atop his head was a red fez. It took her a moment to realize that this was the Doctor she had seen in the portrait room, except now she could see his face. The Doctor was holding a mop in his right hand and Rose wondered why he was doing that. He was about to ask the Doctor what was the deal with the mop when he suddenly spied her and his face brightened.

"Oh, it's you!" he said, overjoyed, as he came towards her. "I thought I'd find you here! Give me a hug!"

He embraced her and over his shoulder Rose saw a ginger haired woman, a man with a big nose and a woman with curly blonde hair emerge from the TARDIS. The Doctor stepped back, his hands on her arms as he looked at her. Rose gazed at him. He had long, floppy brown hair that hung down the right side of his face. Rose had a sudden urge and she took the hair and tucked it back behind his ear so it was out of his face. The Doctor smiled warmly at her as the ginger haired woman looked over his right shoulder at her and the blonde haired woman looked over his right.

"Sweetie, who is this?" the blonde said to the Doctor.

"Ah, River Song, this is Rose Tyler. Rose, this is River Song and Amy Pond and…Rory?"

He turned around and groaned when he saw Rory lying dead on the ground with a huge spear sticking out of his chest.

"Not again," he groaned as he walked over to Rory.

He jerked the spear out of his body, kicked him hard in the side and threw the spear away when Rory gasped and came back to life.

"And this is Rory, the man who can't keep from dying," the Doctor said, walking back to Rose. "Sorry, it was distressing at first and now it's just annoying. Anyway, great to see you again."

"You're…the Eleventh Doctor?" Rose said.

"Spot on, glad to see that you're on top of things. That's why I loved you above all others."

The Doctor froze when River cleared her throat loudly and he turned to look at her.

"I'm sorry, Sweetie, I can't help but notice you just said you loved her above all others," River said.

"Um…yeah, she was my one true love. So anyway…" the Doctor said, spinning back around to Rose while River gave her a look of death. "I've been searching for you for ages so it's wonderful to see you again and…"

"Doctor," Amy said, tapping him on the shoulder. "He's gone and done it again."

The Doctor groaned. He turned and saw Rory was dead again, this time with a bullet right between the eyes. Grumbling about inept companions, he walked over, bent down beside him and began to suck the bullet out of the hole in his head. While he was doing that, River came up to Rose. Rose was taken aback when she gave her that look of death but Rose quickly recovered and gave her a challenging look back while Amy watched them.

"So you're the Doctor's true love, eh?" River said in a low voice.

"S'pose," Rose said.

River raised her hand, made a fist and loudly cracked her knuckles while she gave Rose a pointed look. Meanwhile, the Doctor finished raising Rory from the dead and spit the bullet out of his mouth as he walked back toward them.

"Doctor," Amy said, "I think you need to separate these two."

"A good idea. Rose…"

He threw down the mop, seized Rose's hand and Rose spun around and followed behind him while River growled deep in her throat. To everyone surprise, he stopped her about twenty feet away, hitched up her nightdress and began to grope her while he snogged her brains out. Amy coughed nervously and backed away from River who was now completely livid, her teeth grinding against each other while she watched the Doctor slip his hand into Rose's panties. Amy looked back at her husband and groaned.

"Doctor, he's done it again!" Amy yelled.

"Arrrgh!" the Doctor said into Rose's mouth.

Rose gasped when instead of letting go, the Doctor kept snogging her while he picked her up and crab walked back to Rory who now had his head cut off. He tried to snog her while bending down to Rory but found he couldn't do it and let out an enraged yell when he had to detach from Rose. He kicked Rory's corpse in frustration.

"QUIT DYING EVERY NINE SECONDS, YA DAFT GIT!" he screamed as he kicked the torso.

Then Rose watched while he screwed Rory's head back on until it was firmly in place. Then he raised one foot, stomped on Rory's chest and Rory gasped as he came back to life.

"Now, where were we?" the Doctor said before seizing Rose and continuing his groping and snogging.

The Doctor gasped when River thwacked him over the head with the tip of the mop. He looked at her and she gave him a sickly sweet smile.

"Sweetie, shouldn't you be sorting out that?" she said, pointing to Rory.

The Doctor let out a world weary sigh and turned to Rory who was clutching his stomach, his face a sickly blue.

"I've been poisoned," Rory gasped.

"Yeah, that's nice, Rory," the Doctor said, waving him away.

"Shouldn't you be sorting that out?" River said when he leaned his face into Rose's.

"Eh, he can sort it out himself, he's a big boy," the Doctor said.

River gritted her teeth when he went back to his snogging and groping. Rory stared at the Doctor in shock.

"Isn't anyone gonna help me?" he said to the snogging couple.

"No, because frankly you've been killed so many times, we've lost interest," River said, walking around the snogging couple to him. "You can't stay upright for ten seconds so shouldn't you be going home or at least permanently hiding out in the TARDIS with a five foot thick padding of foam rubber around your body?"

She sighed when Rory dropped dead, his face as blue as a blueberry. She walked around to the Doctor's back and tapped him repeatedly.

"I don't care about Rory," the Doctor said into Rose's mouth. "Rory needs to start resurrecting himself now. I'm busy."

Rose screamed when River seized her by her hair and dragged her away.

"Just protecting you from the slag, sweetie," she said as she pulled Rose away from him.

"I'll show you who's a slag, bitch!" Rose snarled.

The Doctor and Amy stood side by side and watched the enormous catfight going on in front of him.

"Um…stop," the Doctor said weakly as they snarled and clawed at each other. "Stop now, I command you to stop. Amy…get in there and make them stop."

Without warning, the Doctor shoved Amy into the fray and watched while the three women went all out on each other, fists flying and clothes ripping as they yelled their Amazon fury at each other. The Doctor glanced at Rory who was still dead and sighed as he picked him up and began to do the Heimlich maneuver while he watched the battle royal.

Then everyone stopped what they were doing when they heard another wheezing and saw another TARDIS materialize about twenty feet from Eleven's TARDIS. The three women stopped fighting and the Doctor dropped Rory's dead body at his feet while they watched. The door opened and a tall thin man emerged. He was gangly with short curly blonde hair. He was wearing pink flip flops, tan corduroy trousers, a maroon smoking jacket, a white shirt with a frilly lace cravat tied around his neck and a black bowler hat was shoved down over his curls. He had a pencil thin mustache and a monocle over his right eye. He came towards everyone with a regal demeanor and surveyed the scene around him. Then he opened his mouth and everyone was stunned into silence when they heard him speak in a twangy deep southern American accent.

"Howdy, ya'll. I'm the Twelfth Doctor," he said with a thick southern accent. "What's going on ch'ere? Ya'll havin' a fight?"

"This is your next life?" Rose, Amy and River said in unison to Eleven.

"Um…maybe?" Eleven said, backing away from his next life in terror.

"Mind if I have some chaw? I like my chaw," Twelve said.

He pulled a used Coke bottle out of his pocket along with a small can of Skoal. He put a wad of chewing tobacco in his mouth and everyone gave him a disgusted look when he chewed it and began to spit the juice into the bottle.

"So, where are we?" Twelve said, looking around. "Where's my companion. Gertrude? Bubba! Get out ch'ere right now!"

The door opened again and two portly hillbillies stepped out. Both of them were rotund, badly dressed and looked like they hadn't bathed in weeks. Twelve spit juice into the bottle before he pointed at them.

"Ya'll, this here's my travelin' companions. Gertrude, Bubba, this is my past life and my former companions and…Rose?"

Rose was horrified when Twelve noticed her for the first time. He smiled at her, his teeth stained from tobacco juice before he spit into the bottle again.

"Rose, I haven't seen you in ages. Come and give me some sugar, baby gal!" he said, walking towards her.

Rose jumped up and began hitting herself, trying to wake herself up while Twelve spit some more juice into the bottle. Rose shook her head in horror when Twelve embraced her and she smelled Jack Daniels on his breath as he opened his mouth for a snog.

"Noooooooo!" Rose screamed.

She screamed herself awake and leapt from her bed. She ran down the corridor and when she ran into the console room, she sprinted to the Doctor and launched herself at him when he gave her a puzzled look.

"DON'T EVER CHANGE!" she screamed as she seized his lapels and shook him the moment he hit the ground. "IF YOU CHANGE, I WILL PUT YOU IN STORAGE UNTIL YOU CHANGE BACK!"

"Um…okay, I won't change," the Doctor said, confused, when he saw the wild eyed look on Rose's face.

Rose released his lapels and smiled at him. She patted the Doctor's cheek and stood up. The Doctor lay there on the grate, staring at her in stunned silence as she walked to the back door.

"Boy, PMT must be a real bitch for humans," the Doctor said as Rose left the room.


	19. Chapter 19

A/N: This was inspired by a discussion on a Doctor Who group on Facebook. We were discussing things we'd love to see crossed over with Doctor Who and someone mentioned Mary Poppins so we started talking about what it'd be like if Mary Poppins was in the TARDIS and that led to me writing this chapter.

Chapter Nineteen

"Right!" the Doctor said as he walked into the TARDIS with Amy, Rory and Melody. "Now that Melody is rescued, we need to decide how we're going to accomidate her while we travel. Because I doubt we want her along with us when we're fighting evil, yeah?"

"Yeah, I want Melody kept safe, obviously," Amy said.

"So…do you want to go back home then?" the Doctor said.

Amy and Rory looked at each other and shook their heads.

"Hmmm, then we're in a bit of a bind. We need someone who can look after Melody while we're traveling. I…"

He snapped his fingers.

"Of course, we can find a nanny for her!" he said.

"Nanny?" Amy said.

"We'd have to find a nanny who could deal with insane things," Rory said.

"Then there's only one solution. We ask the TARDIS to find us a nanny who would be a perfect fit for the TARDIS," the Doctor said. "Hear that, Old Girl, find us a nanny suitable for Melody."

There was a moment of silence and then the TARDIS came to life.

"See, she's taking us to someone who will be an ideal nanny for Melody," the Doctor said.

Amy held Melody close to her and she sat down in the chair while Rory stood by her side. After several minutes, the TARDIS stopped and powered down. The Doctor slapped his hands together and raced to the door. Amy got up and she and Rory followed him. The Doctor threw open the door and went outside. It was a moonlit night in the middle of Victorian London. They were surrounded by elegant houses that were inhabited by the well to do of London. But most of the windows were dark and there was no one on the streets. The Doctor frowned when he looked around for any sign of the nanny. Amy and Rory stepped outside and looked around.

"So, where is the nanny?" Amy said.

"Dunno but this is where the TARDIS brought us so he or she must be somewhere around here."

"Should we try one of those houses?" Rory asked, pointing to the houses in front of them.

"Um…I would except I'm hesitant to wake up the whole street in the search for one nanny. But I s'pose we could try the one in front of us and at least ask if there is a nanny that lives around her and…"

"Doctor!"

The Doctor heard Amy scream. He turned around, intending to ask her what was wrong when suddenly a woman dropped down from the sky directly on his head and knocked him over. He grunted when he hit the street.

"So sorry about that."

The Doctor heard a cheerful woman's voice. He turned over and looked up at a woman. She was dressed in Victorian clothing and carrying a black umbrella with a parrot head for a handle. The woman folded up the umbrella and helped him to his feet.

"Mary Poppins, at your service, you wished to hire a nanny?" she asked him.

"Um, yeah, how'd ya know?" the Doctor said.

Mary reached into the pocket of her coat and pulled out a letter. She handed it to the Doctor.

"If you want this choice position," the Doctor read. "Have a cheery disposition. Rosy cheeks…wait, I never wrote this."

"Nevertheless, I received it and came to apply for the position. Is the position still open?"

"Um…yeah, you're the first to apply for the position," the Doctor said.

"So…am I hired?"

The Doctor shared a look with Amy and Rory.

"Well…the TARDIS brought us here so apparently she thinks you're qualified," the Doctor said. "However, I don't like people dropping out of the sky onto my head so that's one strike against you."

"Won't happen again, I assure you," Mary said airily. "Now, where are the children?"

"Child," Amy said, coming up to her with Melody in her arms.

"Ah, a little younger than I like, still, I'll make do," Mary said, studying Melody.

"Well, I'm sorry the child isn't the age you're normally used to," the Doctor said. "Now, before we start, I have to tell you about the…"

"Where is the child's bedroom?" Mary said, taking Melody from Amy's arms. "I wish to inspect it."

"Um, it's in here," Amy said, pointing to the TARDIS. "But you really need to listen to the Doctor before you go inside."

"Nonsense, the child needs to be fed or changed or entertained. No need to waste time. Spit spot!"

"Okay, lady, you wanna have a heart attack at seeing the inside of the TARDIS without any warning, be my guest," Amy muttered when she walked towards the front door of the TARDIS.

She went inside and the three of them waited for the shocked scream or the "Oh, my God, it's bigger on the inside!" Instead, Mary came back outside and gave them all annoyed looks.

"Well, isn't anyone going to direct me to the child's bedroom?" she said to them.

"Wow, she's good," Rory said. "Didn't even bat an eye at the inside of the TARDIS.

Amy shrugged and walked over to Mary. She led her inside while the Doctor and Rory followed. They walked to the room the TARDIS designed for Melody. The walls were pink and the décor was cheerful with lots of toys and books. Near the back of the room was a white crib that had butterflies painted on the headboards along with matching furniture including a double bed for Amy and Rory when they felt like sleeping with their child. Mary looked around. She ran her finger along the top of the doorway and inspected it.

"Clean," she said, walking further inside the room. "Not as big as I'd like it, still…it'll do. However, it is messy, it needs cleaning."

"Well, I'm sorry," Amy said, clearly annoyed with Mary, "we just got finished rescuing my daughter and we haven't had time to clean."

"Well, no time like the present then. Come on, let's play a game called tidy up the nursery."

The Doctor, Amy and Rory stared at her.

"Um…aren't we paying you to do that?" Rory said.

"Nonsense, we must all pitch in and help. Now…you may think tidying up the nursery is work but it's really not. You see…in every job that must be done, there is an element of fun, you find the fun and…snap, the job's a game."

"Doctor, can we find another nanny? I don't like this one," Amy said to him.

Rory gasped when Mary seized him by the arm and dragged him to the center of the room. She snapped her fingers and Rory's mouth dropped open when a stack of books on a chair flew across the room and landed neatly on a bookcase shelf. She snapped her finger again and a toy elephant marched across the room into a toy chest.

"Um…we did land on Earth, right?" Amy said to the Doctor. "Did you find a witch or something?"

The Doctor cleared his throat while he walked up to her.

"Excuse me, but how are you doing that?" he said, tapping Mary on the shoulder.

"Come on, Rory, snap your fingers. Tidy up the nursery is a game!" Mary said, ignoring the Doctor.

Rory snapped his fingers and he was astounded when a toy ball bounced into the toy chest. He stared at his fingers in shock and gasped when the Doctor seized his hand and studied his fingers.

"How did you do that?" he asked Rory.

"How should I know, I was just trying to humor her and…"

He grunted in pain when an encyclopedia flew across the room and smacked him on the head on the way to the bookcase.

"Okay, wait, stop!" the Doctor said as toys began to walk around him and settle into their proper places. "Listen, witch, demon, magician, whatever you are, stop the magic now!"

He sighed angrily when Mary started spinning and dancing around the room singing about spoonfuls of sugar.

"Excuse me, quit singing and answer my question!" the Doctor said, following her.

Mary sang to her reflection in the mirror and walked away, still singing. The Doctor started to follow her and then noticed that Mary's reflection was still there. He stepped back in shock when the reflection stuck her tongue out at him, flipped him off and vanished.

"Okay, I think the woman is most definitely a witch," the Doctor said, walking back to Amy and Rory.

"Hey, Witch Woman, give me back my kid!" Amy said, walking up to Mary who was holding Melody in her arms while she twirled and sang. "Give me back my kid before you turn her into a toad!"

The tidying was done and everything settled down. Amy took Melody from Mary's arms before Mary walked up to the Doctor.

"Splendid! Now…who's for an outing!" she said.

"Listen, I'm in charge here and…"

"Come along!" Mary said, cutting the Doctor off mid-sentence, "time for an outing. I want you to meet an old friend."

"Old friend? Who's that then? Voldemort?" Amy muttered as she walked up to the Doctor with Rory following behind her.

"What do we do?" Rory asked.

"Well, I think we better get to the bottom of this and see where she gets her magical powers from. Perhaps, we should go on this outing. Amy, go ahead and put Melody to bed, the TARDIS can look after her."

"I'll stay behind and look after her, you two see what the hell is going on," Rory said.

The Doctor nodded and Amy handed Melody to Rory before giving him a kiss on the cheek.

"Come along, Pond," the Doctor said, "Time to go on a little outing."


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty

"Ah, a lovely day!" Mary said as she emerged from the TARDIS. " Time for a visit with my old friend, Bert."

The Doctor and Amy came outside. The Doctor shut the door and they followed her while she hurried down the street. They followed her while she turned down side streets, leading them further away from the TARDIS.

"Does she even know where she's going?" Amy said to the Doctor.

"Why are you asking me? I barely know her," the Doctor said.

"This way," Mary said, turning around. "I…wait, where's Melody?"

"I left her in the TARDIS, far away from you, ya daft woman," Amy said.

"I was hoping we could bring her along. Still…this way, follow me!"

"I wonder if she wants Melody," Amy whispered to the Doctor while they followed about ten feet behind Mary. "You know, sort of a Hansel and Gretel eat the child for supper sort of witch?"

"Dunno, I just want to know how she made those books and toys move around," the Doctor muttered. "Just keep calm and pretend like you're her friend while we investigate."

They turned a corner and went down an alley. Up ahead of them, they could see a man wearing dirty, dark clothes. His face was smudged with soot and he had a chimney sweepers brush in his hand.

"As I live and breathe, Mary Poppins!" he said, doffing his dirty cap.

"Hello, Bert," Mary said, walking up to him.

"I haven't seen you in donkey's years," Bert said. "I missed you."

"And I…have missed you."

The Doctor and Amy watched while Mary wrapped her arms around Bert and snogged him senseless.

"Ahem!" the Doctor said after the tonsil hockey went on for two minutes.

"Oh!" Mary said, pulling away. "Yes, Bert, these are my friends, the Doctor and Amy. Doctor and Amy, this is Bert."

"My pleasure," Bert said, doffing his cap. "I'm sorry about me clothes. I'm a man of many trades and today I'm a chimney sweep."

"Wait, aren't you a bit old for that?" Amy said. "I thought chimney sweeps were all skinny little boys. How old are you? Thirty?"

"We're on an outing today, Bert," Mary said.

"Splendid! I know just the thing!" Bert said.

"I'm not cleaning out chimneys if that's what you have in mind," Amy said.

"Follow me, I was a sidewalk artist earlier and I'll show you some of me paintings," he said.

"What'd he use to draw his pictures, the soot off his clothes?" the Doctor muttered to Amy while they followed Bert and Mary.

They walked across the street and Bert proudly pointed out several examples of his sidewalk art to him.

"Hmm, he has talent, I must admit," the Doctor said as they studied them. "Listen, why are you sweeping chimneys when you could be doing this full time…"

The Doctor and Amy looked up and noticed Bert had Mary up against an iron fence, snogging like there was no tomorrow. They jumped when the Doctor bellowed, "AHEM!" and the broke apart. Mary smiled at them while she straightened out her rumpled clothes. Bert came up beside her and pointed down to the chalk drawings.

"This here's me artwork," he said.

"Like I said, very impressive," the Doctor said. "Perhaps you can do this full time instead of being a chimney sweep, a profession you're too old for, as Amy pointed out."

"Nonsense, there's nothing better than being a chimney sweep!" Bert said.

"Oh yeah, nothing better than getting lung cancer from all the soot in your lungs and getting stuck in the chimney and dying there. Why give that up?" Amy said.

She sighed when Bert ignored her and began to dance around with Mary while he sang Chim Chim Cheree.

"I can see why these two are mates," the Doctor said. "I think both of them definitely have toys in the attic."

When they finished dancing and singing, Mary tapped Bert on the shoulder.

"Oh, Bert, you know what we should do?" she said.

"Go to Bedlam and beg them to let you in?" Amy muttered to the Doctor.

Bert beamed and nodded. The Doctor and Amy shared a glance.

"So…they're on a telepathic wavelength together, it seems," the Doctor said.

Bert ran up to the Doctor and Amy and took their hands.

"Now, we're gonna count to three and then jump into this drawing of a lovely English countryside," he said, looking down at the chalk drawing in front of him.

The Doctor and Amy shared another glance and tried to wriggle out of Bert's iron grip on their hands so they could get away. Bert count to three and jumped on the painting. The Doctor and Amy , who didn't jump with him, looked at each other and stepped up their efforts to get away from him.

"It didn't work," Bert said to Mary.

"Yes, that's because it's a bloody chalk drawing, ya loon," Amy said.

"Oh, Bert, you should know better by now," Mary said airily as she walked towards him.

Amy tried to jerk her hand away when Mary reached for it. But she wasn't fast enough and Mary took it.

"Now, everyone on the count of three…1…2…3…jump!"

Bert and Mary jumped and the Doctor and Amy gasped when they felt themselves being pulled along with them while they shrank and went down into the drawing. When they were finished, the Doctor and Amy looked around, shocked into silence when they noticed they were standing in a cartoon depiction of an English countryside. The moment Bert and Mary let go of them, Amy ran to the Doctor.

"Where are we?" Amy said to him.

"Um, Amy, I think we crossed the void and we're in a parallel universe now," the Doctor said.

"The what?"

"Void, the dead space between universes. I think we crossed a void and now we're in this cartoon world."

"There ya go, nice isn't it?" Bert said, walking up to them. "See that little dirt road. Over the hill is a little country fair. Let's go."

"Wait, how did we cross the void?" the Doctor said to Bert as he took Mary's hand and they began to follow the path. "How are you doing this? Are you Time Lords, Eternals, the Black and White Guardians? Where are we?"

The Doctor sighed angrily when Bert and Mary ignored them and high stepped their way down the lane.

"Come on, Pond, the only way we're getting back is to follow the singing, dancing lunatics," the Doctor said, taking her hand.

"Oooh, it's a jolly holiday with Mary, Mary makes your heart so light!" Bert sang as they high-stepped down the road.

The Doctor and Amy hurried around them and put as much distance between themselves and the loonies as they could while they followed the country lane. They reached the hill and looked down. The only thing they saw was a merry go round.

"That's the country fair, the merry go round?" Amy said, pointing to it.

"Who knows, Amy, I'm no longer trusting the delusions of two singing, dancing witches. But…we need them to get back to our reality so let's wait for them."

The Doctor and Amy walked down the hill towards the merry go round while they waited for Bert and Mary to catch up to them.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty One

Amy got on an orange carousel horse while the Doctor stood beside her. They looked back at the hill but Mary and Bert hadn't appeared yet.

"Wonder what's taking them so long?" Amy said.

"My guess is they're either singing and dancing or they're mounting each other and doing it in the road," the Doctor said.

He fell silent when he heard Bert singing Jolly Holiday in the distance.

"Singing and dancing…" the Doctor said to Amy, "although I'm sure mounting isn't too far off."

Finally, they appeared on top of the hill. The Doctor and Amy were stunned when Bert twirled her around and her feet left the ground while she spun around in mid-air.

"Wow. Harry Potter, eat your heart out," Amy said when Mary came back to Earth and they high stepped towards the merry go round.

They got on the horses and the Doctor glanced at Amy and got on the last remaining horse while Mary called for a cartoon man hidden inside the merry go round. He lifted a piece of wood in the central column of the ride and Mary told them they wanted to ride.

"As you wish, Mary Poppins," the man said before sliding the wooden door back down.

"So…" the Doctor called as the ride started up. "Poppins, how do you and Bert know how to cross the void? And how do we get back?"

He sighed when she ignored him and called to the man inside the merry go round.

"Oh, driver, if you please?" she said when the man raised the door.

"Anything for you, Mary Poppins!" the man said before pulling a lever.

Amy screamed when her horse jumped out of the merry go round and took off through the countryside. The Doctor held on to the pole for dear life when his horse followed hers. He looked behind at Mary and Bert who were calmly riding their horses as they jumped off the merry go round into the countryside.

"Doctor, sack this nanny, I don't want her!" Amy yelled back at the Doctor.

"I intend to!" the Doctor yelled back.

Suddenly, they found themselves surrounded by cartoon men riding horses and hunting dogs. Amy took one look at the men's red coats and tan jodhpurs and looked back at the Doctor.

"Oh, hell no, we're not in the middle of a hunt!" she said.

"TALLY HO!"

"It appears we are!" the Doctor said.

Amy looked at the cartoon man nearest her. He was blowing a bugle and didn't seem to notice she was on a wooden fairground horse.

"Come on, chaps! After that bally fox!" the man said as he lowered his bugle.

"Hey! I'm on a runaway merry go round horse, don't you care?" Amy yelled at him.

She sighed when the man ignored her. With a shout of tally ho, they spurred their horses on while the Doctor's horse caught up to Amy's.

"Jolly good day for a hunt, eh?" the Doctor said to her.

"Yeah, just lovely, I wanna go home now," Amy said.

"Well, as soon as we can get off these magic horses and get to safety and force Mary and Bert to take us back, we will," the Doctor said. "In the meantime, hang on tight and…"

"Look!" Amy said, pointing.

A cartoon fox ran out of a bush and the dogs howled while they gave chase.

"Ah, the poor fox, even if it is cartoon," Amy said to the Doctor. "I wish I could help him."

She screamed when the horse went into turbo overdrive. The Doctor's yell of her name was lost on the wind while the horse flew past the hunters towards the fox. When she caught up to the fox, it jumped on the back of the horse.

"Faith and begora, it's a wooden horse," the fox said after knocking on the wood.

He looked back at the dogs who were barking furiously at him.

"Ha! You wimps! Come and get me!" he yelled at them.

"Will you please not taunt the cartoon dogs, I don't want to get mauled!" Amy said, looking back at the fox.

"Amy, look out!" the Doctor said, pointing past her.

Amy turned her head and screamed when her horse jumped a huge hedge and came down on a dirt road. Amy looked at the road and then heard the pounding of hooves behind her.

"Shit! We're on a racetrack! Where is that Poppins woman? I'm gonna thump her for this!"

The Doctor yelled as his horse leapt over the hedge into the middle of the main pack of horses. He looked around in surprise at the jockeys and then looked back when Mary and Bert came over the hedge. Mary's horse sped up and passed them all.

"Hey, Poppins! We wanna go home!" Amy yelled as she passed her horse. "Get back here and send us home!"

She sighed when Mary ignored her and won the horse race. Amy and the Doctor crossed the finish line along with most of the other jockeys. Bert brought up the rear with three remaining horses. The Doctor and Amy held on while the horses went to the winner's circle. They were surrounded by cartoon people including several pearlies. Everyone was calling for Mary to make a speech while reporters snapped her picture.

"Doctor, I say we sneak up on Mary and Bert, knock them out, tie them up and make them take us home," Amy said while they watched.

"Normally, I'd say no but I'm itching to put my fist in their faces. So…wait till we have a clear shot at them."

"There must be no words to describe how you feel," one reporter said to Mary.

"On the contrary, there's a perfectly good word," Mary said.

"Yeah, bonkers," Amy said to the Doctor.

They gave Mary an odd look when she took off her bonnet, slammed it down on her horse's head and began singing a song about some made up word that would probably take up half a dictionary. Bert joined in and Amy groaned.

"Enough with the singing and dancing already!" Amy said.

"If you can't beat em…"

Amy looked at the Doctor and her eyes bulged when he ran over and danced with them.

"It's a silly wooord!" he sang while Amy giggled. "It's a word that doesn't exist but I'm singing it anywaaaay!"

They finished with the song and everyone applauded.

"Okay, we've had enough, Poppins. Back to our universe and do it now!" the Doctor said.

He was about to grab Mary and shake her to make his point when it suddenly began to rain. The Doctor and Amy were shocked when the scenery started to run and become muddled. Then suddenly, they found themselves back on the sidewalk staring down at the ruined painting.

"Oh Bert, your wonderful drawings," Mary said.

"No worries, I got more where that came from," Bert said. "But for now, I have other jobs to do so I'll be biddin' ya goodbye."

"Goodbye, Bert."

The Doctor figured she was gonna hoover his mouth out some more but she gave him a polite kiss and walked away. Bert walked over to Amy and the Doctor and doffed his cap.

"So, what are you gonna do now that it's rainin'?" Amy asked.

"Well...weather like this, perfect for being Jack the Ripper."

The Doctor and Amy did a double take.

"I'm sorry?" the Doctor said. "Did you just say Jack the Ripper."

"Oh yeah, gotta get meself to Whitechapel. Got whores to slaughter. See ya."

The Doctor and Amy gaped at him while he danced away from them singing loudly.

"Chim-chiminy, chim-chiminy, chim chim cheree, I'm gonna gut me a whore or maybe two or three. Chim-chiminy, chim-chiminy, chim, chim, cheroo, there won't be much left when I get through. So here I come bitches, to slice and dice you!"

"Doctor, should we stop him?" Amy said, pointing to Bert.

"No, I think we should get back to the TARDIS before Mary gets there and get the hell outta here. Fine with you?"

Amy nodded rapidly, took the Doctor's hand and both of them headed back to the TARDIS as fast as they could go.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter Twenty Two

The TARDIS loved her Doctor dearly but there were times when she felt the urge to play a few pranks on her beloved Time Lord. She also loved it when Rose teased the Doctor and she knew he loved her playful teasing even if he sometimes feigned annoyance. She could see Rose as she wandered the corridors. She could tell Rose was bored and looking for something to do. She decided to give Rose something to do to alleviate her boredom.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Rose whistled to herself while she explored the TARDIS. She had been with the Doctor about a year and a half and she still hadn't seen very much of the TARDIS. She was always looking for new corridors and rooms to explore in between the times they were out running and helping people.

She turned the corner and stopped short when she noticed a semi-transparent woman was standing in her way. The woman had milk white skin with long brown hair and was wearing a long TARDIS blue dress that had gold Gallifreyan circle writing all over it.

"Um…hello?" Rose said hesitantly.

"Do not be afraid, Rose Tyler. I am the TARDIS. I am the holographic interface I use when I wish to speak to people directly."

"Oh yeah? Hi, TARDIS," Rose said, coming closer to her. "It's nice to chat with you for once."

"I do not do this often. I prefer to stay in my true form and keep watch over all. I wanted to speak with you though."

"Really? Cool!"

"I love the Doctor and I know you do as well."

Rose nodded.

"There are times when our Doctor becomes a bit too melancholy so I like to play pranks to cheer him up."

"Really?" Rose said.

"Yes. And I noticed you looked bored so perhaps you and I can team up and play a prank on the Doctor."

"Oh yeah, count me in!" Rose said.

"Very well, this is my idea. First, I will cloak you in a force field that will cover you and make you invisible to the naked eye."

"So I can sneak up on him and scare him?" Rose said.

"Perhaps but I was thinking of you doing this…"

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

The Doctor put his heels up on the rim of the console and relaxed in his jump seat while the rotor sent out a soothing rhythm. He closed his eyes and began to meditate. He frowned when he felt fingers in his hair and he opened his eyes. He looked around but didn't see anyone. Thinking it was his imagination, he closed his eyes and went back to meditating.

"Wugga wugga!"

The Doctor's eyes snapped open when he heard Rose's voice near him. He looked around but couldn't find her. He shook his head, wondering if he might need a rejuvenating rest while he closed his eyes again.

"Squeeee, squee!"

The Doctor's eyes snapped open again when he heard Rose's voice again. He put his feet down on the grate and got up.

"Rose?" he said, walking around the console. "Are you in here?"

He walked all around the console but didn't see Rose anywhere. He scratched his head, wondering if he was hearing things.

"You got a nice bummy, mummy!"

The Doctor spun around when he heard Rose behind him. He gasped and spun around the other way when he felt someone pinching his butt.

"Mmmm, bummy pinch, good!" Rose said in a deep voice.

"Where are you, Tyler? Come out and show yourself now!" the Doctor yelled as he walked around in a circle.

"I am everywhere and nowhere. I am the booty pinching monstah!" Rose said in a deep voice.

She giggled when the Doctor slapped his hands over his buttcheeks and continued to search for her.

"Nope, not down there," Rose said when the Doctor kept his hands on his butt and bent over to look for her through the grate.

"Show yourself, Rose!" the Doctor yelled.

"I am everywhere and nowhere. I am the Bogey Lord!"

"Yeah, right, get out here now!" the Doctor said.

"The Time Lord shall be sacrificed for my glory! So says the Bogey Lord! Thy bum shall be pinched until you bleed out and die!"

"Not likely!" the Doctor said, keeping his hands firmly on his cheeks. "You come out of hiding this instant before I ask the TARDIS to find you."

Rose laughed at that and the Doctor spun around. From his point of view, it seemed like the laughter was coming from everywhere.

"The TARDIS is mine. I have taken it from you!" Rose said ominously. "She obeys my will now!"

"Sure she does! Come out, Tyler, now!"

The Doctor gasped when the TARDIS surrounded him in a force field bubble and he was lifted off the ground. The Doctor hunched down as the bubble floated around the console.

"You see? The TARDIS has turned against you, Captain Mumbly Bumbly!"

"What have you done with Rose and my TARDIS?" the Doctor said as he floated around the rotor. "Something has possessed my ship and my companion and that something better leave now and give them back to me!"

"Ha! You are powerless, Time Lord. You're also rather cute and have a nice bum that's very pinchable but mainly, you're powerless. Fear me, I'm the Rosinator! I shall have you and your bum, I swear it!"

"Rosinator?" the Doctor said.

"Yes, like the Terminator, only I look like Rose," Rose said. "Now surrender your bum to me or I shall show you no mercy, Bubble Time Lord! Bum! Buuuuuuuumah!"

"Rose, come out of hiding and quit being weird," the Doctor said.

"I am the Rosinator and I shall have thy bum!"

"TARDIS, let me down and show me where Rose is hiding," the Doctor said.

"No, the TARDIS is mine to command and control! I shall order her to pinch your bum until it falls off your backside!"

"TARDIS…" the Doctor said. "Put…me…down…now!"

He breathed a sigh of relief when the bubble floated back down and dissipated as soon as his feet hit the grate.

"Thank you," the Doctor said after testing the sides to make sure the bubble was gone. "Now…show me Rose."

"Munga!"

The Doctor spun around and stepped back in shock when he saw Rose's head from the neck up.

"Moo?" Rose said sweetly. "Pinch your bum then, Bubble Time Lord?"

"TARDIS, get rid of the cloaking force field you got around Rose so I can see her properly."

"Awww, you're no fun," Rose said when her whole body appeared. "The TARDIS wanted to have a laugh and asked me to help take the mickey out of ya. No harm done, yeah?"

The Doctor chuckled.

"Yeah, well she loves doing this from time to time. She is a bit of a prankster. In that respect, you two are very much alike."

"Well, I was bored and she used her hologram to come and ask me to have a bit of fun with ya," Rose said. "You do tend to be a bit serious sometimes."

"I s'pose," the Doctor said.

Rose laughed when he covered his butt the moment she tried to pinch it. He gave Rose a wry look and she laughed harder and ran away when the Doctor tried to pinch her butt in return. Rose paused at the back door and waved at the Doctor. The Doctor smiled and waved back and shook his head when Rose went out of the room.

"Sometimes I wonder about you, TARDIS," he said to his ship as he sat back down on his jump seat.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty Three

Rose was lying on the sofa watching TV when the Doctor cleared his throat. She looked up and smiled when he entered the room.

"Been thinking," he said to her.

"Don't you do that anyway?" she said, lazily flicking her left foot.

"Funny," the Doctor said before stopping beside the sofa. "No. I've been thinking about your invisibility prank the other day."

"Wasn't my prank, it was the TARDIS," Rose said.

"Yes, but you helped. Anyway, I was thinking could you do it again?"

"To you?" Rose said, raising her head up.

"No. To Jack. He and Ianto came on board the TARDIS again. They're in the kitchen feeding their faces, at least Jack is, and I want to play a prank on him."

"So you want me to become invisible again?" Rose said, sitting up.

"Yes, but there's more to it. I already asked the TARDIS about it and here's what I want you to do."

He spoke softly and Rose laughed gleefully when she heard his plan.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

"So, enjoying yourselves?" the Doctor said as he strolled into the kitchen.

Jack was enjoying some bacon and eggs and a soda while Ianto sipped some tea. The Doctor walked over to the kitchen table and sat down in between them.

"I always love coming to the TARDIS, nice to get a break from Torchwood sometimes," Jack said. "And your ship is a great cook."

"Ah yes, she is incredible. That's why I love her so," the Doctor said.

"Yan and I thought about exploring after I finished eating," Jack said.

The Doctor smirked at that. He'd been waiting for an opportunity to tell Jack his prank story and this was perfect. He adopted a casual mien as he leaned back in his chair.

"Jack, you've traveled with me for awhile and I think it's time I told you and Ianto something."

"Yeah?" Jack said.

"Well…this TARDIS is haunted."

Jack paused with a forkful of eggs halfway up to his mouth. He put the fork down and raised his eyebrow.

"I thought you didn't believe in ghosts," he said to the Doctor.

"I didn't but I can't deny what's been happening around here. Mysterious things."

"Uh huh," Jack said. "What sort of mysterious things?"

"Well…centuries ago, there was a horrific gun battle inside the TARDIS. I was in my third life…or was it my forth? Well, no matter, it happened a long time ago and leave it at that. Anyway, an alien managed to break into the TARDIS and he came after me."

"I thought no one could get into the TARDIS," Jack said.

"Well, I was an idiot, had the door standing wide open…or maybe Leela did…or Sarah Jane…anyway, can't remember who left the door open but in comes this praying mantis alien looking to take my head off."

"I thought you said it was a gun battle," Ianto said.

"It turned into a gun battle because the praying mantis shot laser blasts from his bum…that was in addition to his pincers."

"Yeah, why do I not believe you?" Jack said.

"It's true, it's all true!" the Doctor said. "Anyway…I got the upper hand and the TARDIS punished the miscreant by sending him deep into the heart of the ship. Where I s'posed he perished eventually because now strange things happen every once in awhile. Creepy noises, floating objects, that sort of thing. Just wanted to warn you before you began exploring."

"Yeah, I'll be sure to keep my eyes open for an alien praying mantis ghost who can shoot lasers from his ass," Jack said dryly.

"Good. Now, I have to go up to the console room and do a few repairs. Enjoy your day," the Doctor said, getting up from the table.

He turned and sauntered out of the kitchen. Halfway down the corridor, he saw Rose's head floating in midair.

"Have fun, my little ghost," he said as he walked past her.

Rose giggled as the TARDIS covered her head and rendered her totally invisible.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter Twenty Four

"I swear to God the Doctor is so full of shit sometimes," Jack said to Ianto while they walked down a corridor. "Coming up with a bullshit story like that and expecting us to believe it. Ghosts my lily white ass. There are no ghosts in here and he knows it. He does that every once in awhile, tells these ridiculous stories in the hope you'll believe it and then he gets a private little giggle when your gullible butt falls for it."

"Owen did that as well," Ianto said.

"True but Owen wasn't trying to be superior…well, not all the time anyway. But at least Owen's stories were more entertaining than an alien praying man…did you feel that?" Jack said, suddenly looking behind him.

"Feel what?" Ianto said.

"Thought someone ran their hand down the back of my head," he said as he ran his hand down the back of his head. "Weird, must be a draft. Anyway, at least we get to tour the TARDIS without the Doctor going on and on about…" Jack trailed off and touched the back of his head while he looked over his shoulder. "Anyway," he said as they walked off again, "I wonder if we can find something new today…"

"Mumba Jumba!"

Both Jack and Ianto froze when they heard a robotic voice behind them. They turned and looked but no one was there.

"What was that then?" Ianto said to Jack. "I heard that, same as you."

"Um…not sure…" Jack said.

"Boobies!"

They spun around again when the voice came from behind them.

"Alien praying mantises like saying boobies then?" Ianto said.

Jack sighed angrily.

"Alright, Doctor, I know it's you. You have some sort of intercom built into the wall and you're talking like a robot. Show…"

He grunted when someone kicked him in the ass and he spun around, jerking his head around while he looked for the assailant.

"Doctor, this isn't fun…"

He gasped and he and Ianto ducked when a laser blast came out of mid-air and soared over their heads.

"I am Booglah, the praying mantis, you will obey me or die!" the voice said.

"Doctor, cut the crap and show yourself!" Jack said.

He gasped and jumped back when someone's fingers brushed his crotch.

"Um…something just touched me right there," Jack said to Ianto as he pointed to his crotch.

"The Doctor?"

Jack raised an eyebrow at that and walked around in a circle. He stopped when he felt a hand on his ass and looked over his shoulder at Ianto. Ianto was standing five feet away from him with his hands in his pockets.

"If it is the Doctor, he's giving me mixed signals," Jack said. "He keeps telling me he's not interested in a relationship but something is definitely touching the goods."

"I want you. You are sexy," the robotic voice said.

"The Doctor is speaking through an intercom and somehow fondling you from the front room," Ianto said to him.

"Not sure. But something is fishy here and…"

Jack jerked his body when something screamed in his ear.

"Okay, that's it. The Time Bored has gotten on my last nerve with his little game," Jack said. "Doctor, this isn't funny!"

Jack stepped back when one of the roundels in the wall suddenly enlarged to a five foot circumference. Inside the roundel was the image of the Doctor relaxing in his jump seat. The Doctor looked off to his left towards Jack.

"The TARDIS informed me you are yelling for me, what do you need?" the Doctor said.

Jack didn't know what to say. According to the image, the Doctor was in the console room relaxing.

"Um…are you in your control room?" Jack said.

"Yes, I was meditating when the TARDIS told me you were calling for me. Is there something you need?"

"Um, not really, I thought you were doing things," Jack said sheepishly.

"Things? What sort of things?" the Doctor said.

Jack sighed.

"I thought you were pretending to be that mantis ghost and talking in a funny voice and…fondling me."

Ianto stifled his laugh when they saw the bewildered look on the Doctor's face.

"Fondling you?" he said.

"Never mind! Just go back to…whatever it was you were doing. I'm sorry I bothered you."

"Are you sure?" the Doctor said.

"Yeah, just go back to your mediation."

"Okey-dokey, talk to you later then," the Doctor said.

The image faded to black and the roundel shrank back to normal.

"So…still believe he's lying?" Ianto said.

"Dunno, but I don't believe this is all happening because of some mantis ghost."

"How about Rose ghost?" Ianto said.

"A rose ghost? Do flowers even have ghosts?" Jack said.

"No. Rose as in Rose Tyler as in the disembodied head behind you," Ianto said, pointing over his shoulder.

Jack turned and gasped when he was inches from Rose's head.

"I am a vision of your deeeeeath!" Rose said in a deep voice.

"My death? You're Rose," Jack said.

"Um…yeah, well I need to get permission to show you your head, copywrite laws and all that," Rose said.

"Rose, what the hell is going on, where's your body?"

"I'm dead, this is my head. I'm dead heeeead!" Rose said in a deep voice.

"Shit, I shoulda known the faithful do anything for the Doctor companion would be in on this."

"In on what?" Rose said innocently.

"This bullshit ghost story prank thing you and the Doctor thought up. Now cut the crap and show me your body."

Rose stared at him and Jack sighed angrily as he reached out with his hands and felt her body.

"There, there it is! You managed to make it invisible somehow. Now make your body visible!"

"Doctor, he's found us out!" Rose yelled up at the ceiling.

The roundel enlarged again and Jack saw the Doctor in his jump seat.

"I thought we'd draw this out longer, Tyler," the Doctor said from his seat. "I thought you'd use strobe lights and smoke machines."

"All I had was a laser blaster and a vocoder, I can't carry everything," Rose said to the roundel.

"Vocoder, so that's what the robot voice was," Jack said.

"Yeah, I had it left over from Ancient Rome when I was turned into a statue. Long story…" Rose said when she saw the confused look on Jack's face. "Anyway, enjoy your day and have a nice stroll. Gotta go!"

Her head disappeared but Jack could hear her running back down the corridor. Jack looked at the roundel. The Doctor was looking at him with a smug look on his face.

"Just wait, Doctor. Your turn will come," Jack said, pointing to his image.

"I'm sorry, was that a threat?" the Doctor said. "Because the TARDIS is very protective of me and she might take that as a major threat and do something nasty to you. I am in my own element here, Harkness, and I can do anything I want, more or less. She still rules the roost but she does like a prank and she took the mickey out of me by using Rose and now I'm doing the same to you and Ianto. Like Rose said, enjoy your day and I'll be up here relaxing. Ta-ta!"

Jack waited till the roundel shrank back to normal before turning to Ianto.

"See, he can be a complete arrogant prick when he wants to be. Anyway, let's keep on going before I decide to run up to the front and make him eat his shoes."


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty Five

Rose lay on her stomach on her bed, relaxing when she heard a knock on her door.

"Come in," she called out.

She turned over and saw Jack enter holding a clipboard and a pen.

"What's this?" she said, pointing to it.

"The boss asked me to conduct a short survey. It's something all companions must do," Jack said.

Rose gave him a wary look.

"So why isn't he in here doing it?" she asked.

"Busy flying the TARDIS. So can you indulge me so he doesn't yell at me?" Jack said.

Rose shrugged and told him to get on with it. Jack pulled a wooden chair over to the bed and sat down.

"Okay, question number one, how long have you traveled with the Doctor?"

"Um…about…a year and a half," Rose said. "I think. It's hard to tell time inside the TARDIS."

"Did you find your time with the Doctor satisfactory?" Jack said after writing her answer down.

"Yes, mostly," Rose said.

"What things would you change about your time traveling with the Doctor?" Jack said.

"Well, the enormous amount of deaths. I'd love to change that," Rose said while Jack wrote. "Being tortured and hunted and nearly killed, I'd like to eliminate that. Apart from that, nothing."

"Do you find this current incarnation of the Doctor pleasing?" Jack said.

"Well, when he's not off being barmy and making me do stupid crap with him, yeah, he's pleasing to me," Rose said.

"Do you enjoy his scarf?"

Rose frowned.

"Scarf? What scarf?" Rose said.

"Don't know but do you enjoy it?"

"S'pose," Rose said with a shrug.

"Would you like a jelly baby?" Jack read.

"Um…no," Rose said, completely confused.

"What would you change about the scarf?" Jack read.

"What scarf? I've never seen the Doctor wear any scarf! I wouldn't change anything about a scarf I've never seen."

Jack wrote that down.

Describe the first word that pops into your mind when you hear the names of these evildoers," Jack read. "Okay…Daleks."

"Scary," Rose said.

Jack wrote that down.

"Cybermen," he said.

"Intimidating," Rose said.

Jack wrote that down.

"Sutekh," he read.

Rose frowned.

"Who?"

Jack shrugged and wrote down her response. He read the next name.

"Davros."

"I don't know who that is," Rose said, shaking her head.

"Omega?" Jack said, glancing at her after reading it.

"Nope, don't know that one either."

"Zygons?" Jack said hesitantly.

"No," Rose said with an exasperated sigh.

"Um…Weng Chiang?"

"No, I don't know that one either. What the hell kind of survey is this?"

"Just something the Doc wanted answered," Jack said. "Okay, next question. Is the length of the scarf a distraction to you?"

"WHAT BLEEDIN' SCARF?" Rose said, throwing up her hands. "This whole survey is pants. I don't know what scarf he's talkin' about!"

"Don't look at me, I just do what the Doc wants," Jack said. "Next question. Why do you insist on wearing a skimpy leather outfit when I want you to wear proper clothes?"

"What? I don't wear leather outfits. Are you sure the Doctor wanted you to do this or is this your idea of a joke?"

"Just doing what the Doctor asked," Jack said with a shrug. "Next question, does the curly hair look good on me?"

Rose gave him a blank look.

"Next question, does the scarf go with my coat?"

Jack gasped when Rose snatched the clipboard from his hands. She told him to follow her and Jack got up and followed her back to the console room.

Inside the console room, the Doctor was under the console doing repairs. He flinched when Rose threw the clipboard on the grating beside him, making a loud SLAP when it hit. The Doctor slid out from under the console with a quizzical look on her face.

"This survey of yours is stupid!" Rose said, pointing to the clipboard. "What's all this rubbish about a scarf? You don't wear a scarf. And leather outfits and people I've never heard of. Is this a joke?"

The Doctor picked up the clipboard and studied the questionnaire.

"Oh blast, this is an old questionnaire. I grabbed it by accident. I used this one back in my forth life. My apologies, Rose," he said, getting up from the grate.

"Um…no worries. Just wondered why you were doing this in the first place?" Rose said.

"Well, occasionally, I run a survey just to make sure my companions are happy. I want them to be happy. Are you happy?"

"Yes, for the most part," Rose said.

The Doctor looked at her answers.

"Yes, well, the deaths can't be helped. Sorry about that," he said as he read her answers. "And the torture and hunting and nearly being killed. All goes with the job. But apart from that, you're happy here?"

"Yes," Rose said.

"Brilliant. Well, that's all I wanted to know. Thank you, Harkness, for doing this for me and Rose, glad you're happy here."

"What is the scarf thing?" Rose said.

"Forth life, wore a long scarf. I s'pose I was a bit self-conscious about it back then. Anyway, thanks for cooperating. You can go back to whatever you were doing before."

"Um…okay, I'll see you later then, Doctor."

"See ya," the Doctor said, sitting back down on the grate.

Jack watched while Rose turned and walked to the back door. They waited until she was gone and then the men giggled.

"You're bad, sometimes," Jack said.

"Nah, I gotta keep her on her toes with all these random questions. Besides, I love her answers, thanks for being a part of the joke."

"No problem. Love to tease Rose whenever I can. See ya later then?"

"Later, Jack."

Jack took the clipboard from him and left the room while the Doctor slid back under the console.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter Twenty Six

The Doctor walked into his kitchen and grabbed the kettle on the stove. He turned on a radio sitting on the counter near the refrigerator and opened the fridge door, looking for a bit of breakfast. The radio had been enhanced by his tinkering and he was able to pick up radio signals from Earth even when he was in the vortex.

"And we just had a bit of Katy Perry then," the DJ was saying while the Doctor pulled out some eggs and studied the carton, deciding if he wanted them or not.

He put the carton on the counter, removed two eggs and put the carton back in the fridge.

"I was reading an interesting study the other day," the DJ was saying while the Doctor pulled out a jug of milk. "This study seems redundant but they were saying the more love you had in your life the happier and more productive you are as a person. Why they needed a study for that is beyond me…"

The Doctor chuckled to himself.

"The more love you have, the more productive you are, eh? Hmmm…I wonder…" he mused as an idea formed in his mind.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Rose yawned as she walked towards the console room. Every morning she checked in with the Doctor to say good morning and find out if he had any plans for the day. She entered the room and smiled when she saw the Doctor leaning over his monitor. She walked around the railing and slowed down when she got a look at his front. She stopped. Around the Doctor's neck was a piece of white cardboard. A piece of yarn was tied to it and the string was around the Doctor's neck.

"Doctor?" Rose said.

The Doctor leaned up and turned to her and Rose noticed words were written on the cardboard. She read the sign.

I AM A LONELY, LONELY TIME LORD WHO NEEDS LOVIN'. PLEASE MAKE ME FEEL WANTED AND NEEDED!

Rose giggled and walked over to him. She embraced him tightly while the Doctor let out an awww and held her tightly.

"You are wanted and needed," Rose said as she held him.

"Good, I'm glad. I need lots and lots of TLC because I'm very needy," the Doctor said.

Rose kissed his cheek and stepped back.

"So, Mister Needy, what's on the agenda for today?" she said.

"Loving and lots of it, apart from that, haven't decided yet," the Doctor said.

He glanced over when Ianto entered the room and he turned so Ianto could read the sign. Ianto paused, read the sign and gave the Doctor an odd look when he spread his arms wide to receive a hug. Rose giggled when Ianto smiled, walked over to him and gave him a hug.

"Awww, I love this! The man on the radio said people who have lots of love are happy, productive people and now I see why. Thank you, Ianto."

"My pleasure," Ianto said, stepping back.

The Doctor smiled when Rose hugged Ianto next. He was glad he thought of this. Harmony and happiness in the TARDIS was always welcome.

Then he saw him and the Doctor quickly turned the sign around as Jack walked towards Ianto.

"There you are," Jack said to Ianto. "I wondered if you wanted to go for a swim and…"

He trailed off when he noticed the cardboard around the Doctor's neck. Rose giggled when the Doctor kept one hand firmly on it while he moved back to his monitor.

"What's this?" Jack asked, pointing to the cardboard.

"Nothing," the Doctor said as he bent over the monitor.

Jack frowned when the Doctor kept the sign firmly pressed against his chest. He looked at Rose who was giggling insanely.

"What's going on here?" Jack asked.

"Um…I better not say, the Doctor might smack me," Rose said.

Jack looked at Ianto. Ianto shrugged and walked to the jump seat.

"Okay then," Jack said, walking over to the Doctor. "What's going on, Doctor?"

"Why, whatever do you mean, Jack?" the Doctor said, leaning back up.

Jack looked at the hand keeping the cardboard sign against him and he tried to pry it away while the Doctor resisted. Rose laughed even more when Jack smacked the back of the hand several times.

"Hey, quit that!" the Doctor said, smacking Jack's cheek lightly with his free hand.

"Let me see what the sign says then!" Jack said, trying to pry the hand away.

"What makes you think it's a sign?" the Doctor said innocently.

"Because generally people put signs around their necks and you're not the type to wear a piece of cardboard as a fashion statement. Now let me see it!"

"No, don't wanna! You might pounce on me if you saw what I wrote."

"Pounce on you?" Jack said while Rose laughed and Ianto cracked a smile. "What's on this sign?"

"Never!" the Doctor said.

He gasped when Rose ran over and helped Jack try to pry the hand away.

"Hey! You're betraying me! I frown on that!" the Doctor said to Rose as she laughed. "Get away from me, you female Benedict Arnold, you Judas, you! Piss off!"

His mouth dropped open when Rose made a fist and hit the back of the hand with it while Jack stood back and enjoy the show. The Doctor gasped when Rose tried to pinch his genitals next.

"Oi! Lay off the wedding tackle, Tyler!" The Doctor said, backing away while he held on to the sign.

Jack leapt forward and began to tickle the Doctor while Rose grabbed the hand and tried to pry it away.

"Ianto, help me!" the Doctor said as he tried to get away from them.

"Don't Ianto, you won't get sex tonight if you help!" Jack said over his shoulder.

"Sorry, Doctor, I want sex," Ianto called as he sat on the jump seat.

The Doctor backed up against the railing and Rose and Jack cornered him so he couldn't escape. The Doctor decided to let go of the sign before Jack threw him over it and he lifted his hand away from the sign. Jack grabbed it, turned it around and read it.

"Oh really?" Jack said to the Doctor. "You need some lovin', eh?"

"Not that sort of lovin', Harkness!" the Doctor said as Rose bent over laughing.

"Aw, come on, honey, let me give you some sugar!" Jack said while Rose laughed harder.

"Nooo!" the Doctor said as he ducked away and ran to the jump seat.

"Yeeees!" Jack said, gleefully following him.

"Jack, don't you dare!" the Doctor said, spinning around as Jack panted and made googly eyes at him.

Rose, meanwhile, was holding on to the railing, splitting her sides with laughter while Jack puckered up and made kissy faces at the Doctor. The Doctor looked at Ianto who was watching them calmly.

"Hey! He's about to rape me! This is your boyfriend? Why are you just sitting there?" he said to Ianto.

"We have an open relationship," Ianto said with a shrug.

"Sod you both!" the Doctor said while Ianto chuckled. "That's it! I want hate now! Hate is safer for me! I won't get raped with hate!"

Jack laughed and stopped pursuing him.

"Ah, Doc, you're one in a million," Jack said. "I love traveling with you. You're easy to get along with and you're one of those people you can laugh and joke with. Can I have one hug then?"

"You won't rape me?" the Doctor said, feigning fear.

Jack pretended to consider that.

"Naaah, I like willing victims," he said.

The Doctor chuckled and embraced him. Jack called everyone together and got them in a group hug around the Doctor.

"Now, Mister Needy, is that better?" Rose said when they stepped back.

"Very much better. Molto bene! I'm energized now," the Doctor said, taking off the sign and laying it on the jump seat. "So, let's figure out where to go."

"You figure it out, Yan and I are taking a quick swim."

Jack walked out of the room with Ianto. The Doctor watched them go and then looked at Rose. Rose hugged him and laid her head against his chest while the Doctor rubbed her back. She then gave him a kiss and patted his head.

"So…where will we go next?" she asked.

A contented sigh drifted out of the Doctor's nose as he turned to the monitor and went over some ideas for locations with Rose.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter Twenty Seven

Rose stepped out of the shower and dried herself off with a fluffy pink towel. She put her clothes on and wrapped her hair in the towel like a turban. She stepped outside the bathroom and stopped short when she heard a faint, "Rooooose!" coming from somewhere off to her right.

"Roooooose!"

It was the Doctor but he sounded like he was far away. Rose cleared her throat.

"Doctooooooooor!" she bellowed.

There was silence and Rose waited for a response. After two minutes, she didn't hear anything more and was about to go ahead and go back to her room when suddenly the wall in front of her parted and the Doctor stepped through it.

"Aha, there you are," he said.

Rose gave him an odd look. He wasn't wearing his usual outfit. He had on a red hoodie that had DAWG written on the chest in huge black letters and he was wearing blue jeans but had them down far enough that she could see his blue boxes. He had on Nike tennis shoes that looked like they'd seen better days.

"Yo!" the Doctor said, making the peace sign.

"What is this?" Rose said, pointing to his clothes.

"This is me being bored and rummaging through my clothes cupboard. I have tons of clothes, thought I'd have a laugh trying on different things.

"Um…this doesn't look good on ya," Rose said. "Especially the slouchy jeans."

"It's what some humans wear though, right?"

"Yes, but that doesn't mean you need to wear it," Rose said.

"Bear with me here a moment, my Rose."

He cleared his throat.

"Yo, what's going down, dawg? Fo shizzle, my nizzle."

"No, don't do that," Rose said, shaking her head.

"I will put a cap in your arse," the Doctor said, walking away.

He paused a moment and stared down at his jeans while Rose came up behind him.

"Blimey, this is hard, how do humans walk while keeping these things up?" he said, tugging at the top of his jeans. "Anyway, where's Harkness. I need to put a cap in his arse."

Rose giggled and followed him while he walked off in search of Jack. After several steps, he put his hood up and Rose quickened her pace until she was walking beside him.

"I'm an ASBO," the Doctor said as he walked. "I'm a badass motherfucker. Will put a cap in yo arse, for sho."

"God, Doctor, you sound like a git when you talk like that," Rose said, secretly loving the Doctor's playacting.

"Um…hmmm, blimey…this is hard," the Doctor said as he stopped and pulled his jeans up again. "They keep inching down. How can I put a cap in someone's arse when I'm constantly adjusting my trousers? Very difficult. Must make a study of Earth clothing sometime. Anyway, on to find Jack," he said as he and Rose walked on. "Um…what else is there that people who wear this clothing usually say?"

"My homey?" Rose offered.

"Ah yes. Yo, my homey, how's…things?" he said with a frown. "Not up on all the slang. Have to make another study of that."

"Bi-yatch?" Rose said as they walked. "Ho? Peeps?"

"Yes, yes, thank you. You're being very helpful," the Doctor said, smiling at her.

"Thank you," Rose replied.

"TARDIS, where's Harkness? Lead us to him before I trip and fall in these things," the Doctor said, pointing down to his jeans.

The wall beside them opened and they walked through it.

"Come along…bi-yatch," he said to Rose as they walked. "You are my ho, for sho."

Rose giggled at the hesitant use of the slang. She thought it sounded cute coming from him. After a few minutes, the wall opened up and the Doctor and Rose stepped through. Rose froze when she saw Jack in front of them. He was lounging in a Jacuzzi, sipping a beer and relaxing. Jack did a double take when he saw him and his eyes settled on the Doctor.

"What the hell happened to you?" he finally said to the Doctor.

"Yo, Dawg, I'm an OG, fo sho."

Rose bent over laughing at the confused look on Jack's face. The Doctor flipped the vees at Jack.

"I am a gangsta so don't diss me!" the Doctor said to Jack.

"Rose, did the Doctor get possessed by some gangsta wannabe alien or something?" Jack said to Rose.

"Don't diss me or I'll put a cap in yo arse!" the Doctor said to Jack. "I am representing Gallifrey, yo! Time Lord in da hoooooouse!"

Rose was now laughing so hard no sound was coming out.

"Hey, Eminem, wanna go change back into your normal clothes and act like your normal self?" Jack said to the Doctor.

"Are you dissing me, homey?" the Doctor said, walking over to the edge of the Jacuzzi.

"Yeah, I'm dissing you…homey, because you is lame fo sho," Jack said mockingly. "You is wack, dawg, so go get your clothes on, Vanilla Ice, before I bring out my nine and bust a move on your bum!"

"Oh God, I shoulda brought a camcorder in here," Rose gasped as she held her aching side.

"I am the OG, dawg!" the Doctor said, giving him the thumbs up. "Here is my gang sign. I'm flashing it because I am so awesome, yo."

"Your gang sign is the thumbs up? Wow, you must come from a really retarded gang then," Jack said dryly while Rose laughed.

"I want lots of cheddah, so give me some!"

"Doctor, before you become the Gangsta Lord, will you please learn how to speak like one?" Jack said. "You sound like a drunk idiot."

"I gots to have me some benjamins, yo!" the Doctor said. "My ho and me gotta represent!"

"And is the hyena over there your ho?" Jack said, pointing to Rose who was busting her gut with laughter. "I wouldn't call Rose a ho if I were you, she'll slap your wack face off, yo!"

"Nah, she's my bi-yatch, she's down with me!"

"So you're a ho and a bi-yatch and you're okay with that?" Jack said to Rose.

"I don't care what he calls me. I just want him to keep going with this," Rose said.

"So while you're representing, is the TARDIS going off course and landing us in the middle of a volcano, yo?" Jack said to the Doctor.

"Nah, my homey knows where to land. She's a super duper dawg, yo!"

"You sound so idiotic, Doctor. And you look like a nightmare, please go away!" Jack said while Rose laughed hysterically.

"I'm an ASBO."

"Yeah, I believe that," Jack said. "But seriously, go away now and let me relax."

"We could get some blunts and smoke em," the Doctor said.

"Gee, watch as the Doctor gets stoned out of his mind and eats the entire TARDIS dry. Dare I get out of the Jacuzzi for that?" Jack said.

"Do you have any cocaine for my brain?" the Doctor said.

"Jesus, you don't need cocaine, you're hyper enough as it is," Jack said.

"I need a thirty."

"Huh? A what?"

"A thirty, homey," the Doctor said as he mimed drinking something.

"I think you mean a forty, Dingle Dork," Jack said while Rose laughed. "Like I said, get your slang right before you pretend to be Snoop Timey Time Lord."

"Forty, is that what's that called, fascinating," the Doctor mused while Jack glanced at Rose and rolled his eyes. "Anyway, I got the term for marijuana correct, yes?"

"Yes, which amazes the hell outta me since I can't picture you lighting one up. Then again…now the image has popped into my mind of you and Rose getting stoned and eating down a pile of crisps. It's an interesting image and I'll be sure to mention it to my psychiatrist when I find one. Now go away…Dawg!"

"Aaaah, this was quite fun," the Doctor said as he turned back to the hole in the wall. "Wonder what else I can find in the wardrobe room?"

Jack watched as the Doctor walked out of the room.

"Rose, if that man comes back here dressed as a mime and starts walking against the wind, will you please shoot me and keep on shooting me for all eternity," he said.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter Twenty eight

The Doctor opened the doors and smiled when he looked out at the planet, Gable. The TARDIS had been malfunctioning and he had landed her for repairs but he couldn't resist taking a peek at the planet's surface. It was a desert planet with sparkling white sand and thirty foot dunes. The TARDIS had landed near the bottom of a very large dune and the Doctor looked up at it as the wind swirled the sand around on top.

"Beautiful," the Doctor said, pulling a small digital camera out of his pocket.

He took a picture of the dune and then headed around the corner to take more pictures. While he was doing that, he was unaware that a creature was coming up over the dune and heading for the open door of his TARDIS. The animal had giraffe legs, an alligator body and tail, giraffe neck and the head of a barn owl. The animal went directly into the TARDIS while the distracted Doctor took a photo of a tiny lizard sunning itself on a rock. By the time the Doctor returned to the TARDIS, the creature had left the console room and was roaming the TARDIS.

Jack and Ianto were in the living room, sitting at a card table playing poker and sharing a bowl of cheese doodles. Ianto had just dealt the cards and Jack snatched a cheese doodle from the bowl and grinned as he put it in his mouth. He had three aces. He looked at the pile of money in front of him and put a five pound note in the center of the table.

"Large wager," Ianto said.

"I'm confident enough. So you going to raise the bet or fold?"

Ianto snorted and put in a five pound note and a one pound coin. Jack nodded and put in a ten pound note.

"You must be really confident," Ianto said.

"Or, I'm really bluffing. Care to risk it if I am?" he said.

Ianto thought that over. While he did, he glanced over Jack's shoulder and froze. Jack frowned when he saw his wide eyed stare.

"What?" he said.

Ianto pointed and Jack turned in his seat and nearly fell off it when he saw the creature walking towards him.

"What the hell is that?" Jack said, pointing to the creature.

"Offhand, I'd say it's a giraffe/alligator/owl thing," Ianto said.

"Oh Christ, please say the Doctor doesn't do weird genetic experiments in his spare time and…HEY!" he said when the creature walked up to the table, lowered its long neck and began to eat the cheese doodles.

"Okay, Jones, what do we do now?" Jack said as the creature feasted.

"Why are you asking me?"

"Because you cornered Myfanwy in the warehouse, so you must be the expert on trapping animals. Now what do we do about the Frankenstein thing here?" Jack said, pointing to the creature as it munched on a cheese doodle.

Ianto leapt up, threw out his hands and yelled, "BWAAAAA!" as he waved his arms around. The creature turned and bolted from the room.

"Great plan, Steve Irwin, now what do we do about it rampaging through the ship?" Jack said dryly.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Rose was taking a shower and singing happily while she listened to a waterproof IPod. She was singing Firework while she lathered herself with soap. While she soaped up and sang, the creature pushed open the slightly ajar door with its hoof and entered. Rose was standing with her back to the shower nozzle while she let the hot water run down her back. She continued to sing as she turned around. Then her singing turned to screaming when she saw the creature. It had walked up to the shower and stuck it's head over the shower door. Rose stood frozen in place while she stared at an owl head a foot above her.

"Doctor!" she screamed. "Doctor! What is this thing? Get it out of here now!"

The creature stepped back as Rose stumbled out of the shower. It watched her while she ran over to an intercom on the wall and rammed her fist onto the call button.

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

The Doctor was under the console whistling cheerfully while he worked in the circuitry. He paused in his work when he heard a beeping above him. He muttered angrily as he slid out from under the console and leapt to his feet. He pushed the intercom button and the beeping stopped.

"Yes?" he said.

He jerked his head back when Rose let out a scream followed by "GET THIS SODDING THING AWAY FROM ME!"

"What? What sodding thing?" the Doctor said into the intercom.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS; JUST GET YOUR BLEEDIN' PET AWAY FROM ME NOW!"

The Doctor let out a world weary sigh and told Rose he'd be there in a moment. He walked away from the console, asking the TARDIS to move the room Rose was in to the back door. He entered the room and did a double take when he saw the creature standing beside a wet, naked Rose.

"Get it out of here!" Rose demanded as she thrust her finger at the creature. `

"Um…yeee-ah, I s'pose I better," the Doctor said as the creature began to hoot at him. "Um…wait a tic."

Rose followed him as he went back into the console room. The Doctor turned and looked at Rose who was dripping wet and naked. He raised his eyebrow and pointed out her nakedness.

"I don't care if I'm starkers, I'm not staying in there with that thing!" Rose said.

"Well, it doesn't matter now anyway," the Doctor said as the creature came through the door.

He sighed when the intercom beeped again. He and Rose hurried to the console and he pushed it.

"Yes?" he said into it.

"Have you been doing genetic experiments and not telling us?" Jack said.

"If you mean the giraffe/alligator/owl thing that's now in my console room, no, I haven't."

"What is it?" Jack said.

"Haven't a clue but It's eating my controls. Oi!" the Doctor said, shooing it away from the console.

The TARDIS opened up a hole in the wall and Jack and Ianto stepped into the console room. Jack froze when he saw Rose and gave her an appreciative look before Rose quickly covered her breasts and genitals with her hands. She ran back towards the bathroom while Jack gazed at her.

"Ahem!"

Jack jerked his head around when the Doctor cleared his throat loudly and threw open the front doors.

"Eyes on this!" he said, pointing to the creature that was now using one of the support columns like a cuttlebone.

"Where'd it come from?" Jack said.

"I'm guessing from outside unless it carries its own personal transmat. Help me get it outside!" the Doctor said.

"Ianto! Use your technique," Jack said.

"Technique?"

Ianto ran towards the creature, waving his arms and screaming.

"Technique," Jack said dryly.

They watched while the creature turned towards the back door and ran straight for it. The Doctor and Jack tried to intercept it but it galloped through the back door and Rose let out a scream.

"Doctor, get this thing before I snap its neck!" Rose yelled from the bathroom.

The Doctor, Ianto and Jack ran into the bathroom and surrounded it, yelling and waving their arms. Rose gasped when the animal tried to kick out with it's long legs. She looked around, snatched up her hair drying and threw it at its rear end. The animal panicked when the hair dryer made contact and ran back out the door. The three men ran with it, waving their arms until finally the creature went outside. The Doctor slammed the doors shut and locked them before breathing a sigh of relief.

"Well, lesson learned, I won't leave the TARDIS doors open on a strange planet while I snap some photos," he said, walking over to the console.

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

(One week later…)

"Ah, the planet Balboa!" the Doctor said as he stepped outside the TARDIS into a forested area.

His eyes widened when he saw a blue butterfly flapping around the trees. He grabbed his camera and followed it as it went behind the TARDIS. While he was doing that, a blue skinned lizard alien came through the trees with an armload of magazines and walked into the TARDIS. Rose was asleep on the jump seat with the Doctor's trench coat spread across her. The alien walked up to her, tapped her on the shoulder and Rose gasped as she jerked awake.

"Hello, I'm a Jehovah's Witness, Balboa chapter, would you like a copy of the Watchtower?"

The Doctor was coming around the side of the TARDIS after snapping the photo when he suddenly heard "PISS OFF!" He froze and watched as the alien bolted from the TARDIS and ran back into the forest.

"DOCTOR, SHUT THE BLEEDIN' DOOR!" Rose bellowed from inside the TARDIS.

"Bollocks, I really must remember to do that," the Doctor said before heading inside his ship.


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter Twenty Nine

Jack was bored so he decided to take a walk. While he walked, he remembered the Doctor's gangsta outfit. Curious about what else he had in his wardrobe room, he headed that way. He climbed the twisting stairs when he reached him to the first floor. The first floor was men's clothing and the second floor was women's. When he got up there, he was surprised to see the Doctor picking out some shoes from a large shoe rack on the floor. He gave Jack a quizzical look.

"I was curious about your clothes. Wanted to know what you had besides the ASBO outfit," he said sheepishly.

"Help yourself, I'm picking out some shoes for today," the Doctor said, gesturing to the racks of clothes.

Jack walked over to the first rack of clothes and looked through them. He was impressed by the assortment he had. He had civilian clothes of all shapes and sizes but also things like a matador's outfit. Jack took that down and examined it. It was black with gold trim on the jacket and pants and a wide red sash around the middle. Jack held it against his body and he thought it looked like it could fit him. He spied a black lacquer folding screen in the corner and walked behind it. To his delight, the outfit fit him and he stepped out and walked over to the full length mirror to admire himself.

"Nice," the Doctor said, noticing him as he picked out a pair of lavender converse.

"Ole! Toro, toro!" Jack said, striking a dramatic pose.

The Doctor put down the converse, looked through the shoe racks and threw him a pair of black boots. He walked over to a bookshelf that had accessories on them and found the matching red cape. He walked over with it while Jack slipped on the boots. Jack took the cape from the Doctor and unfolded it with a flick of the wrists.

"Ole!" he said, spinning around with it.

The Doctor snickered. He made horns with his fingers and snorted as he pretended to charge him. Jack passed the cape over him as he passed by.

"Ole!" he yelled.

While they were doing this, The TARDIS nudged Rose's mind to get her to go to the wardrobe room. Rose saw the wardrobe room in her mind's eye and felt the urge to go there. She left her room and headed for it. When she finally reached the first level, she stopped and stared at Jack who was now dancing around, flinging the cape around him. The Doctor pointed her out and Jack stopped.

"Ah! Little senorita, I will fight the bull in your honor!" he said before he turned to the Doctor.

Rose laughed as the Doctor made the horns and mooed loudly before charging Jack.

"Ole!" Jack said as he passed by him.

He grunted when the Doctor spun around and butted his head into Jack's ass.

"I just gored your arse, you're dead," he said.

"No, not my beautiful ass!" Jack howled as he held it.

Rose laughed and applauded. She looked at the racks of clothes and started rummaging through them while Jack did the same. The Doctor picked up his trainers, pulled up a nearby wooden chair and sat down. He replaced his dirty white trainers with the purple ones. Rose found a purple velvet leisure suit. She giggled as she took it over to the Doctor.

"This would go with the trainers," she said to him.

The Doctor looked at it and made a face.

"No, I think not," he said while Rose giggled.

She took it back while Jack pulled out a Halloween costume. It was a Jack O'Lantern with holes for arms, legs and head.

"Care to explain where this came from?" he said, showing it to the Doctor.

"Um…fancy dress party…some time past," he said. "I was invited to a costume contest with that but I don't think I won."

Hey, Rose, new outfit for you," Jack said, turning and showing it to her.

Rose showed him the leisure suit.

"I'll wear that if you wear this," he said.

Rose grinned.

"Okay," she said.

"Um…you will?" Jack said as Rose came up and took it from him.

She held out the leisure suit and laughed when Jack made a face at it.

"That's why you should keep your mouth shut, Harkness," the Doctor said as he relaxed in the chair.

Rose put the pumpkin costume on over her clothes while Jack walked to the folding screen. Once she had the costume on, she stuck out her arms like a zombie and shuffled towards the Doctor.

"Aarrrrrrr, I'm a zombie pumpkin," Rose said in a deep voice while she put her hands around the Doctor's neck. "Brains, braaaains!"

The Doctor chuckled and pushed his finger on her chest.

"You oughta wear this full time, confuse the baddies," he said to her.

"It's warm, actually. And comfy too," Rose said, running her hand down the front as she looked at the Jack O'Lantern face. "You were in a costume contest?"

"Once, long ago," the Doctor said. "Most of these clothes have been collected from a lifetime of traveling. Some the TARDIS made, some my companions wore. Same goes for the women's clothing. Donated and worn by my companions."

"So if I don't want anything, I can donate it?" Rose said.

"Yes. Just put in on the table upstairs, the TARDIS will clean and sort it. Jack! Are you ready yet?" he called out.

"This is stupid," Jack said from behind the screen.

"Come on, Jack, I put on the costume. Now it's your turn!" Rose called to him.

Jack shuffled out from behind the screen and Rose laughed at him. He gave her a dirty look as she bent over laughing.

"Do the Hustle, eh mate?" she said as he flipped her off.

"So what about this? Was this worn by you or donated?" Jack asked as he pointed to the suit.

"Donated. I would rather die than be seen in that."

"I second that sentiment," Jack said, shaking his hand. "I lived through the '70's but I never saw a monstrosity like this! Ugh!"

Rose frowned when she suddenly felt weight on her head. She reached up and took down a black bowler hat.

"Where'd this come from?" Rose said, looking around.

"The TARDIS. She's playing along, it seems," the Doctor said.

Rose giggled when a straw sombrero appeared on her head.

"This shoulda went with the matador outfit," Rose said, pointing to it.

Jack walked over, plucked the sombrero off her head and put it on. Rose put the bowler hat back on and took off the costume. She laid it on a wooden table near the mirror and it vanished. There was a flash and Rose smiled when she saw a pink party dress with ruffles across the neckline.

"See, the TARDIS is playing with you now," the Doctor said.

Rose put the bowler hat down on the table and took the dress. She walked to the folding screen while Jack walked to the table and laid the sombrero down. The doctor watched with interest as a fez appeared in its place and Jack picked it up.

"This will look good on you," Jack said, walking over to the Doctor.

"Ugh, no."

"Aw, come on, fezzes are cool," Jack said as he put it on his head.

The Doctor pressed down on the fez and giggled when a dunce cap appeared on Jack's head.

"Very funny," Jack said to the ceiling when he took it off and looked at it.

The Doctor looked past Jack and his eyes widened. Jack followed his gaze and his breath caught in his throat when Rose stepped out with the dress on.

"I like it," Rose said. "We need to go to a tea party or ball or something."

"You are beautiful," Jack said.

"And you're just so tweeee!" Rose squealed.

"Ugh! Don't say that!" he said while the Doctor giggled.

Rose skipped over and pinched his cheeks.

"So tweeeee, I love it, Jack "Purple Leisure Suit" Harkness. You're so cute, you are!"

"Ugh! I'm going to change before she puts a garland of flowers on my head," Jack said, turning and hurrying back to the screen.

The Doctor waited till Jack went behind the screen before he took Rose's hand and kissed the back of it.

"You need to wear this more often. You look beautiful in dresses," the Doctor said.

"I like this one. I s'pose the TARDIS knew that. That's why she picked it," Rose said.

"I agree with her choice," the Doctor said, admiring her beauty.

He giggled when a pair of bunny ears appeared on her head.

"The bunny ears, not so much," he said as Rose took them off and looked at them.

"I love your ship's sense of humor," Rose said, putting them back on.

"Why do you think I can't bear to part with her?"

"There, that's better," Jack said as he came out from behind the screen with his regular clothes on. "Really, Doctor, you need to burn that eyesore."

"No, someday I might have need of it," the Doctor said. "Just like I might have need of this," he said, taking the fez off his head.

"Right, you with a fez, I'd love to see that," Rose said.

"I like fezzes, fezzes are cool!" the Doctor said, plopping it back on his head. "Having said that, let's go and get Ianto and figure out our next adventure."

"Let me get my clothes on then," Rose said.

She started to leave but the Doctor grabbed her from behind.

"No. This is your outfit for today. Find a pair of matching shoes and we'll find you a tea party."

"Deal," Rose said as the Doctor kissed her cheek.


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter Thirty

Rose yawned as she headed towards the kitchen. She was hungry and in the mood for some bacon and eggs after waking up. She passed by the Doctor in the hallway and froze when she noticed he was carrying a large cardboard box.

"Mornin' Rose," he said cheerfully.

"Wait, where are you goin'?" Rose asked, hurrying to catch up with him.

"To the loft. I had a bit of clutter in my cupboards so I'm moving some things to the loft. I like a tidy cupboard."

"Loft? This ship has a loft?" Rose said with interest.

"Yes, would you like to assist me, faithful companion?"

"Yes, I would," Rose said, eager for the chance to see the attic.

"Splendid. Follow me then. You can help me carry up another box."

Rose followed him as he turned left down another corridor. They stopped in front of a room and Rose picked up a smaller cardboard box. Then they went back the way they came until they were in the original corridor. They turned left and the Doctor led her to another corridor and another and another until he came to a large steel door. Rose watched while he sat the box down beside him and flipped open a small panel in the center of the door. She watched with curiosity while the Doctor looked into it and a laser beam scanned his eyes. They she heard a huge clunk and the door slowly opened.

"What was the laser thing?" Rose said as the Doctor closed the panel and picked up the box.

"Retinal scanner. Security precaution. The loft has some dangerous stuff in it and I don't want you up here by yourself," he said. "Follow me."

Rose stepped into the room and was shocked when she saw an escalator. The Doctor got on it and she followed him.

"Identify yourself!"

Rose looked up when a robotic voice boomed overhead.

"Doctor and guest!" the Doctor yelled up.

"Identity confirmed," the robot voice said.

"Blimey, you do have security precautions for this loft, don't ya?" Rose said.

"I said, it's dangerous to be up here alone. I don't mind you wandering the TARDIS and exploring its treasures but there are a handful of rooms you must never enter without me and this is one of them."

Rose nodded. She knew the Doctor wasn't joking about this and she was sure he was right about their being dangerous things in the attic. She'd been with him long enough to know danger was a part of his life.

They reached the top and stepped off the escalator. Rose's eyes bulged when lights clicked on overhead. She couldn't see the back or sides of the attic.

"How big is this loft?" she said, looking around.

"Not sure, the TARDIS keeps on adding rooms and expanding. For all I know it could be hundreds of miles now. But follow me; I need to catalogue the contents of these boxes."

Rose looked around while she followed him. She saw other boxes but some of the items were unboxed like an antique yellow roadster and a weird metal car with a domed windscreen and huge metal fins. The Doctor went past all that to a large leatherbound book sitting on a wooden pedestal. He set his box down and Rose did the same. The Doctor took a pen out of his pocket and opened the book. Rose stood beside him and watched. The book had notations in an alien script, line after line of notations. The Doctor turned the pages until he was nearly to the back of the book. He found some blank space and Rose watched closely while he wrote something in the alien script.

"Is that your language?" Rose said.

"Yes. Well, it's High Gallifreyan. There are several ways to write my language," the Doctor said as he wrote.

"It's pretty," Rose said.

"Thank you. I'm just writing down the contents of the boxes and making a note of where they're at if I need to find something again. It's my cataloguing system."

He finished cataloguing and called out coordinates to the TARDIS. Rose watched while the boxes vanished in a flash of light.

"She put them away for me where I wanted them. Saves time," the Doctor said. "However, she can transport us as well along with the book. Now let's see, is there something spectacular I can show you?" he murmured as he flipped through the pages. Ah, TARDIS…take us to sector 7, area 24.3.

There was a flash in front of Rose's face and when the flash disappeared, she, the Doctor and the book were in another area of the attic. She was amazed to see a stuffed wooly mammoth in front of them.

"This was a hunting trophy from my fifth life, I believe. Peri, my companion at the time, and me went back to the stone age and I helped some Neanderthals on a mammoth hunt. They ran the herd off a cliff and I had the TARDIS land on one they didn't collect and it used a bit of taxidermy to bring it back to its former glory."

"It's gorgeous!" Rose said, walking up to it and stroking its thick fur.

"It's female…or was," the Doctor said. "One of the smaller ones. Blimey, they had some large ones in that herd."

Rose walked over to the massive tusks and ran her hand along the side of one, marveling at the size of them. She walked to the trunk and touched the tip of it.

"Wish I had a live one but that would be too much care and feeding," the Doctor said.

"She's beautiful," Rose said.

"Yes, she is. A lovely specimen. Ready to move on?"

Rose nodded and stepped away. The Doctor shouted out another coordinate and Rose shut her eyes this time before the flash happened. When it faded, she opened her eyes and gasped when she saw the stuffed T-Rex in front of her."

"This blighter on the other hand I was happy to see die. Chasing me and Sarah Jane through the jungles. It fell off a cliff when we ran off and hid and I took it as a trophy."

"Sarah Jane said she saw dinosaurs when we were at the school," Rose said, walking over and touching its leathery skin.

The Doctor gave her a few facts on the T-Rex while she stood beside him and listened. She could possibly care less what he was saying; she just loved the sound of his voice. Once they were finished, the Doctor yelled out another set of coordinates and Rose opened her eyes when the flash happened again. She did a double take when she saw a humongous red leather bound book. The book was about thirty feet tall and twenty foot wide.

"What is this?"

"This was a prison of sorts. I was trapped inside it."

"What? Seriously?" Rose said.

The Doctor walked over to a small metal box on the floor beside the book. He walked back to Rose.

"This transported me inside the book. Fancy a look?"

"Trap us in the book?" Rose said hesitantly.

"Not with this, this worked as a transmat. We can go in and out of the book. So…interested?"

Rose nodded and the Doctor walked over and grunted as he pulled open the leather cover.

"Dracula?" Rose said, reading the title page. "Someone trapped you inside Dracula?"

"Yes, they did. They had many large books like this but they chose this one for me. Still interested?"

"Not if Dracula's in there," Rose said.

"I won't let anyone hurt you. Trust me."

Rose relaxed and nodded, knowing the Doctor would keep his word. The Doctor went past the title page and Rose helped him turn the pages until they came to an illustration of an old and crumbling castle. The Doctor motioned for Rose to step back and he told her to hold on to him. Rose put her arms around him and the Doctor pressed a button on the box. There was a snapping sound and the scent of ozone and suddenly the Doctor and Rose were standing inside the castle. It was old and decrepit with mold and moss on the stone walls. They were inside a dungeon with flaming torches to light their surroundings. Inside some of the cells in the dungeons, Rose could see human skeletons and rats and snakes crawling over them.

"This is all real?" Rose said, looking around.

"Very real."

"We're not unconscious and hallucinating?"

"Nope, we're really inside the book."

"Where's….Dracula then?" Rose said worriedly.

"Dunno, he's around here somewhere though. Just stay close to me."

"Believe me, I'm not about to run off," Rose said.

The Doctor took her hand and they headed out of the dungeon.


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter Thirty One

"So what do we do now?" Rose said to the Doctor. "What if Dracula attacks us?"

"Oh, that's the best part," the Doctor said.

"Come again?" Rose said.

"Wanna see how I was about to outwit this book?" the Doctor said.

"Okay," Rose said.

"Bring Dracula here!" the Doctor yelled.

"Wait!" Rose said, holding up her hand.

There was a flash and a ghoulish looking man with pale skin and huge bloodied fangs appeared before them. He was dressed in a black suit, white shirt, black bow tie and a black opera cape with red lining. He hissed at them while the Doctor gave him a smug look.

"You will both die," Dracula said.

"Now, my Rose, watch this. Suddenly, a raincloud appears over Dracula's head."

Rose blinked when a little black raincloud appeared over Dracula's head just as the Doctor described.

"A small thunderstorm started," the Doctor said.

Dracula looked up at the cloud when it began to light up and boom thunder.

"Suddenly, without warning, a lightning bolt hit Dracula in the arse," the Doctor said.

Dracula screamed when a lightning bolt shot down and hit him in the butt. Rose gave the Doctor a questioning look and the Doctor grinned.

"This is a living book, Rose. I figured out you could change things if you act like you are narrating the story. Observe! Suddenly, the Doctor, Rose and Dracula found themselves on an ice cream planet."

Rose was taken aback when the castle vanished and they were standing on a planet filled with ice cream. Everywhere she looked there was ice cream in cones, bowls and laying on the ground.

"What is the meaning of this?" Dracula said to the Doctor.

"While Dracula asked the Doctor what was happening, he suddenly lost his clothes," the Doctor said.

Rose giggled when the clothes vanished off Dracula's body. Dracula gasped and looked around for his clothes.

"Care to have a go at him?" the Doctor said, gesturing to Dracula.

"Um…let's see," Rose said. "While Dracula looked for his clothes, a bunny appeared on his head."

She laughed when a little brown lop eared bunny appeared on Dracula's head.

"And the bunny had severe diarrhea and let it go on Dracula's head," the Doctor said.

Dracula screamed when brown poo ran down his head.

"You'll pay for that, you fools!" Dracula said.

"Suddenly, the Doctor, Rose and Dracula were transported to Tellytubbie World," Rose said.

The Doctor snickered when the outdoor world of the Tellytubbies appeared around them. Dracula looked at the baby inside the sun and pointed at that.

"What is that thing?" Dracula said as the baby cooed.

"While Dracula was looking at Sun Baby, evil Noo Noo appeared and tried to hoover him into his belly," the Doctor said.

The Doctor and Rose laughed when noo noo appeared, let out an elephant-like bellow from it's hose and began to chase Dracula all over the place. Dracula tried to get the pooing bunny off his head but it was stuck like glue to his head. Noo Noo kept bellowing at him and trying to suck him up while Dracula kicked rabbits out of his way in his haste to get away from the possessed creature. Rose laughed, enjoying every minute of this.

"Suddenly, Dracula and Noo Noo disappeared and Rose and the Doctor were sitting on a large bed in a red velvet bedroom," the Doctor said.

Rose blinked when she was suddenly sitting on a four poster bed beside the Doctor. The blanket underneath them was red satin with black trim and the walls were made of red velvet. The table beside the bed had a wooden lamp with a red velvet lampshade on it and even the teddy bear sitting on top of the red velvet pillow was red velvet. Rose gave the Doctor a wary look as he waggled his eyebrows.

"Rose changed into a red velvet teddy for her Doctor," he said.

Rose gasped when her clothes were replaced by the teddy.

"Doctor, I'm warning ya! Don't go any further with this!" she said.

"Suddenly, Jack appeared out of the blue with binoculars," the Doctor said.

Jack appeared in the room. Rose put her arms across her chest when he started looking at her breasts through the binoculars.

"The Doctor was about to kiss Rose when he suddenly realized he had no mouth!" Rose said.

The Doctor's eyes widened when his mouth disappeared, leaving a blank piece of skin where it should be. He glared at Rose and pointed emphatically to the missing mouth.

"And his hair became a Mohawk…um, a purple Mohawk!" Rose said.

The Doctor felt his hair which was now spiked up and purple. He gave Rose an incensed look while she smirked. She glanced at Jack who was now staring at the Doctor's hair through the binoculars. Rose giggled at that.

"The Doctor got a duck bill in place of his mouth."

"Okay, Rose, this is not funny," the Doctor said, speaking through the bill when it appeared on his face. "Rose suddenly became three inches tall and appeared in the Doctor's hand."

He laughed when there was a flash and Rose appeared in the palm of his hand.

"Oi," Rose said in a high pitched voice. "This isn't funny, Daffy, let me go!"

"Then Rose was locked inside a mini cage at the mercy of the Doctor."

"Let me go!" Rose shrieked as the cage appeared around her.

"The Doctor returned to normal but Rose was now his prisoner and only he could set her free," the Doctor said.

The Doctor breathed a sigh of relief when his mouth and hair returned to normal. He giggled when Rose glared at him from the tiny cage.

"Now, my little bird, what to do with you? Shall I give you wings and make you my budgie?"

"Let me go, Doctor, before I narrate you into a puddle of slime!" Rose said in a high pitched voice.

"Oh, alright, we've had our fun here," the Doctor said.

He narrated Rose out of the cage and back to her proper size before he reached into his pocket and pulled out the box. He pushed the button and they were transmatted outside the book.

"There we are," the Doctor said, putting the box down beside the book. "Now, let's see what else I can show you."


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter Thirty Two

The Doctor whistled while he looked through his book searching for things to show Rose. Rose meanwhile was looking around their immediate area. She frowned when she saw a Dalek about fifty feet from them. She tapped the Doctor on the shoulder and pointed it out to him.

"Oh that, that's not a real Dalek. It was a project of mine to build a Dalek I could pop into and disguise myself as. I started it and never finished it. Still…"

He walked over to it and Rose followed him. He went around the back, pushed one of the bumps and the Dalek split open and parted. The Doctor climbed inside and hunched down and the shell closed around him. The eye in the eyestalk suddenly glowed blue and Rose backed out of the way when the Dalek began to move in stops and starts.

"Damn," the Doctor said in a Dalek voice. "Controls are a bit touchy. And rusty, haven't tried to move this thing in years. Anyway…EXTERMINATE ROSE TYLER!"

Rose laughed as the Doctor followed her around in a circle.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING," he said in the Dalek voice. "YOU CANNOT RESIST ME! I AM THE DALEK! GET BACK HERE, WENCH!"

"Wench? That's going a bit too far!" Rose said, laughing as the Doctor followed her around.

"YOU HAVE A NICE ARSE, I WANT TO EXTERMINATE IT!" the Doctor said as he followed her rear end.

"Get away from my arse, you kook!" Rose said.

"I AM NOT A KOOK. I AM A DALEK AND YOU AND YOUR BUM WILL BE EXTERMINATED! PEW, PEW, PEW!"

"What is pew, pew, pew?" Rose said, stopping.

The Doctor stopped in front of her.

"PEW, PEW, PEW IS THE SOUND OF ME SHOOTING MY GUN. YOU ARE DEAD, ROSE TYLER!"

"I am. How nice," Rose said airily as she walked towards the book.

The Doctor glided the Dalek back to its proper place and stopped. He got out of it and closed it up. He snorted when he noticed Rose was at the podium pretending to read the book.

"As if you can read high Gallifreyan," he said as he came up beside her.

"I want to see the Tellytubbies," Rose said, pointing to a random entry. "And your life-sized replica of Hogwarts and your Irn Bru factory. And your waxworks collection."

"Ah! In that case…" the Doctor said, turning to another page.

He yelled out the coordinates and after the flash, Rose found herself standing in front of a waxwork of the Doctor. She raised her eyebrow when she saw it. The waxwork Doctor was dressed in a toga and had one finger raised above his head as if to say I'm number one. In his other hand down at his side he was holding some sort of seal that resembled a fancy figure eight.

"What's this?" Rose said, pointing to it.

"The Seal of Rassilon, the official seal of my homeworld."

"Okay, next question, why are you dressed like Zeus?"

"Because this was sculpted in Greece."

"It's not stone though it's wax."

"I didn't say when it was sculpted. There are sculptors in twenty first century Greece," the Doctor said.

"And one thought you'd look great in a toga?" Rose said.

"Um…he was gay, fancied me and it was a wild drunken party that night. Anyway, that's a waxwork. On to something else!" he said, hurrying back to the book.

"Wait, when did this happen? This statue is your current body so when we're you at a wild drunken Greek party?" Rose said.

"What else can I show you?" the Doctor said, ignoring her.

"Doctor, when were you at a drunken frat party?"

"I didn't say it was a frat party. That man was an artist and a very nice, sensitive artist at that. He thought I looked beautiful so I modeled for him, nothing more than that."

"Yeah, I bet," Rose muttered.

She let the matter drop though and let the Doctor choose something else. He yelled out another set of coordinates and Rose yelled in shock when she came face to face with a thirty foot tall black Beetle encased in a Perspex box.

"It's dead, Tyler," the Doctor said dryly.

"I don't care. I hate beetles, they freaked me out as a kid and they still do. Where did you get that?"

"From Virox. I rode him actually until he died in battle and the Warunga tribe gave them to me as a memento. I had Stampy encased in Perspex for all eternity."

"Stampy?" Rose said.

"Yes, I name my pets like most humans do. Problem with that?"

"Well, I sorta have a problem with you regarding a monster beetle as a pet but then again, this isn't the strangest thing I've seen you do," Rose said.

The Doctor went back to the book and Rose grimaced at the beetle and hurried to her side.

"Getting the uckies?" the Doctor said as he flipped through the pages.

"If you mean an ucky feeling, yes, I'm getting the uckies looking at that thing," Rose said.

"Very well, we shall go to sector 19, area 23."

There was a flash and Rose stepped back automatically, thinking a giant praying mantis would be in front of her. Instead, she saw…

"Jack?" she said, walking over to a statue of him.

"It's a Jackbot. The TARDIS built it for me for Jack's birthday."

"You're giving Jack a robot of himself?" Rose said.

"Well, I was and then I thought, naaah, but now I'm reconsidering it," the Doctor said.

"What does it do? Does it move?" Rose said, fingering the lapel of Jackbot's coat and marveling at the fact that it resembled Jack's real coat in every detail.

The Doctor called Rose back to his side and showed her a little silver remote control. He pressed it and Jackbot began to dance around and wiggle his ass. Then Jackbot began to sing.

"My name is Harkness, I'm a tease. I do whatever I damn well please. I prance around like a whore; I'll shag your brains out and so much more!"

"What?" Rose said to the Doctor while the Jackbot shimmied and moved his butt. "That's his song?"

"Well, actually…I wrote it for him to sing. I might have gone a bit too far with the lyrics though."

"Yes, I'm a whore, a whackin' great whore. If you aren't a slut, I find you a bore. I'll shag you up against that door. Whore, whore, whore."

"Yes, Doctor, you definitely went too far with the lyrics," Rose said while the Doctor let out a nervous cough.

"Shake it down now!" Jackbot said before he squatted down and gyrated his hips repeatedly.

"Anyway," the Doctor said, turning off the robot with his remote control. "As you can see, I'm in a quandary about whether or not I should give that to Jack for his birthday."

"Um…my opinion is no, definitely no," Rose said.

"Thank you for your opinion, I'll take that into consideration then," the Doctor said, going back to the book. "Now, what's next? Hmmm, okay Area 63, section 14."

Rose closed her eyes before the flash came. When she opened them, she was standing in front of a life-sized gingerbread house that was decorated with frosting and sweets. The Doctor pushed open a pair of gingerbread shutters and folded his arms on the gingerbread windowpane while he gave her a smug look.

"My gingerbread house, designed for someone to live in," the Doctor said. "Had a crazy German man make it for me. He had to use industrial sized equipment and ovens just to make the walls and ceiling. But they have industrial sized ovens for civilian use in the 81st century."

"How do you get these people to make things like this for you?" Rose said.

"I'm charming and most of the time it's because I save their lives. When you rescue someone from the jaws of a huge tarantula, they tend to be extremely grateful and want to reward you with cool things like this," he said, patting the windowsill of his house. "Care to come inside my house, Gretel?"

Rose was about to respond when there was a loud beeping above them.

"Yes, TARDIS?" the Doctor said, looking out of the window and up at the ceiling.

The TARDIS grumbled to him and the Doctor sighed.

"Patch it through," he said.

"Patch what through?" Rose said.

Before the Doctor could answer, a holographic image of Jack appeared by the gingerbread house. Rose watched Jack open his mouth to say something but close it again when he saw the house.

"Um, what is this?" Jack said to the Doctor as he pointed to the house.

"This is my personal gingerbread house, what do you want?" the Doctor said.

"Personal gingerbread house, the fuck?" Jack muttered to himself while Rose giggled. "Anyway, Ianto and I have been all over the TARDIS looking for you and Rose. Where the hell are ya?"

"Loft," the Doctor said. "Or attic as you call it. I've been showing Rose some of the cool stuff I've collected over the years."

"And where the hell did you get a gingerbread house?"

"German guy in the 81st century," Rose said. "Sculpted it for him using industrial ovens."

"Uh-huh, that's nice. Anyway, are you coming down anytime soon or are you going to show Rose your life-sized brothel complete with harem?"

"Well, I don't have that…yet but give me time," the Doctor said. "So, Rose, ready to leave?"

"Can we come back sometime?" Rose said.

"Ah, you like my collection then?" the Doctor said happily.

"Yes. Except for the thirty foot beetle, I found that scary."

"Thirty foot beetle?" Jack muttered. "Never mind, better not to ask for details."

"Just wait in the console room with Ianto, Jack. We'll be there presently," the Doctor said.

"Okay, Hansel, I'll see you when you get back," Jack said.

"Uh-huh," the Doctor muttered as the hologram disappeared.

"I didn't know we can do that," Rose said to him.

"Well, I don't advertise it because I'm sure Harkness would use the hologram to appear in the shower with me. But yes, if the TARDIS allows it, she'll use a holographic projection of you to send me a message."

"Good to know," Rose said as the Doctor came out of the gingerbread house.

He kissed the back of Rose's hand and led her to the podium. Rose stood beside him while the Doctor asked the TARDIS to take them back to the entrance. She closed her eyes when the flash enveloped her hoping they could come back soon.


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter Thirty Three

Rose brought a large radio into the living room and set it down on the table beside the sofa. The radio was able to pick up stations from all over the universe and she was eager to try it. She turned it on and moved the dial on the front of it, trying to pick up something. She paused when she found something and listened.

"Ro jo sho jo sho sho fo," a gruff voice was singing. "Zo flo sho do!"

Rose made a face and changed the station. She found another one and gasped when she heard a high pitched shriek. She quickly changed it and kept turning the dial. Then she heard English and she stopped and listened.

"Your listening to Clat Sykes on Andromeda One, Andromeda's only source for talk radio."

"Ugh, hate talk radio," Rose said, making a face as she started to change the station.

"Hello, Clatheads, this is Clat Sykes, the source for truth for all Andromeda. Our topic today is Bret Vanos's campaign for Emperor and the controversial eating of a child. When he ate the child, did he ruin his credibility with voters?"

Rose froze with her hand on the dial.

"Eating a child?" she said, taking her hand away.

While she listened, the Doctor came into the room carrying a small leather bound book in his hands. Rose glanced at him and turned her attention back to the radio.

"Shemday morning, Bret Vanos was campaigning in the Molandar sector when a woman gave her child to him so he could kiss it. Instead, he ate it and this has sparked off a controversy. Has Bret Vanos ruined his campaign? We're taking your calls at 1-777-442-CLAT."

"Rose, why are you listening to this rubbish?" she heard the Doctor say. "Clat is a wanker who likes confrontation. He's filled with hot air!"

Rose glanced over her shoulder at the Doctor. He was sitting in the chair beside the sofa reading his book.

"I was just curious about other radio stations in the universe and this one's in English," Rose said. "I was gonna change it but I want to hear about this man eating a baby."

"That was the mother's fault," the Doctor said. "She shoulda known better than to give her baby to Bret."

"He ate it, Doctor," Rose said.

"Bret Vanos is a lizard and the baby was human. Of course, he's going to eat it if you hand it to him."

"You know about this?" Rose said.

"I'm a Time Lord, I know most of the things that have happened in this big old univese," the Doctor said smugly.

"We have a caller from the Vega System. Hello, you're on the Clat Sykes show, what is your opinion on all this?" Clat Sykes said.

"Yes, hello, Clat. Long time listener," the man said.

"And your name is?" Clat said.

"Klickklat."

"Klickklat, what is your opinion of Bret Vanos?" Clat said.

"I think he's a liar and a crook and this baby eating incident was bound to happen sooner or later," Klickklat said. "Bret Vanos is not fit for any public office but especially not Emperor. This is worse than the Mudge Turner affair."

"What's the Mudge Turner affair?" Rose asked the Doctor.

"He had an affair with Mudge Turner, a skunk being from Yun," the Doctor said, his eyes on his book.

"A lizard had an affair with a skunk?" Rose said.

"Yup. Interspecies dating is frowned upon on Andromeda," the Doctor said, turning a page.

"Okay, if you say so," Rose said, turning her attention back to the radio.

"I agree about Madge Turner," Clat was saying. "The woman shamed herself by consorting with a lizard. A LIZARD! How dare she fornicate with someone outside her species! It's an abomination! Thank God the idiots didn't have any children!"

"Blimey, this Clat is a real tosser," Rose said.

"Now you know why I don't like listening to him," the Doctor said. "Although…this gives me an idea for a prank."

Rose turned and watched while the Doctor set aside the book, reached into his pocket and pulled out his mobile. He dialed Clat's number while Rose watched.

"Hello, is this Clat Syke's radio show? I'd like to give Clat my opinion on today's topic," he said into the phone. "My name is the Doctor and I'm from Gal…Galapigoes. Yes, I'll wait."

"You're from Gallifrey," Rose said.

"Yes, but I'm the last of my kind and I really don't want to get into a discussion with Clat about that," he said to Rose. "Okay," he said into the mobile.

"Our next caller is a man called the Doctor from Galapigoes,"Clat was saying. "What is your opinion, Doctor?"

"I'm a long time listener," the Doctor said. "And normally I agree with everything you say but I must protest your hatred of interspecies dating. You see, I'm a merman and I'm dating a human called Rose Tyler."

Rose widened her eyes and put her hand over her mouth when the Doctor winked at her.

"You're dating a human?" Clat said in disbelief. "That's disgusting. How can you even touch it?"

"Oi!"Rose said to the radio while the Doctor held in his laughter.

"You don't understand. I rescued Rose from a shipwreck and I fell in love with her," the Doctor said into the mobile. "There's the problem of her legs and my fishtail and how to make love to her but I'm considering finding a sea witch and trading my voice for human legs."

Rose giggled at that.

"Is Jack and Ianto Flounder and Sebastian then?" she said.

The Doctor winked and nodded.

"You'd be willing to sacrifice yourself for this girl?" Clat was saying in disbelief. "Are you insane, man? Think about this before you give up your voice!"

"But I've already made my decision. If Rose Tyler doesn't marry me, I will drag her down to the depths of the ocean and make her my Merqueen for all eternity," the Doctor said while Rose giggled.

"Merqueen. I could get used to that," Rose said.

"She will be my fish concubine and we will spawn and have millions of minnows and call them all Nemo," the Doctor said.

"Until a fish comes along and kills me and all of them except one," Rose said.

"Excuse me, sir, have you ever had a psychiatric evaluation before?" Clat said.

"Ooo, he thinks you're mad," Rose said.

"Oh yes, I have Fart-o-fluctuating-hyperactivity-super genius-disorder. I'm so barking mad I might as well be a dogfish."

"You're bad, you are so bad," Rose said.

"Whatever you say, Merman, next caller please," Clat said.

"Oi, he hung up on ya,"Rose said. "He really is a tosser!"

"Yes and he's a specist. He's against interspecies love affairs which is bad for me since I'm a fish dating a human."

"You're a cute fish though," Rose said. "I'll change the channel now. Had enough of Clat."

"Thank you! At last!" the Doctor said. "I hate that man. He's a git. He deserves to have his head chopped off and shoved up his arse so no one can hear him ever again."

"Ooo, angry Doctor, I like that. You need your own radio chat show called Angry Doctor," Rose said.

"Hmm, I like that as well. Perhaps I will do that in future. But for now, I'm content to just sit here and read my book."

Rose tried other radio stations while the Doctor went back to reading his book.

"Okay, watch this then!"

The Doctor looked up when Jack came into the room followed by Ianto. He and Rose watched while Jack went up to the TARDIS wall, kissed it and mimed humping it. He turned and saw the stunned looks on the Doctor and Rose's faces while Ianto tried not to laugh.

"Um…why are you sexually assaulting my ship?" the Doctor said.

"Well, um…Ianto and I were arguing and Ianto accused me of wanting to shag everything in sight so I thought I'd be a smartass and I…sexually assaulted your ship. Sorry."

Rose laughed when the Doctor shot her a world weary look.

"I was trying to enjoy my book and now I'll have to give myself a mental enema so I don't have the image of you humping my walls burned into my mind. Thanks, Jack."

Jack coughed nervously and sauntered off.

"Sorry about that," Ianto said as Jack left the room. "Jack can be a bit of an arsehole at times. Sorry about the raping of your ship."

The Doctor paused when the TARDIS grumbled and he grinned.

"She liked it actually. She thinks Jack's a cutie so no harm done," the Doctor said.

"Well, I'll be sure to tell Jack he has a new love interest then," Ianto said. "See you later."

"Ta ta," the Doctor said.

He looked at Rose when Ianto left the room.

"Wonder what Clat's opinion is on human/timeship dating?" he asked her.


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter Thirty Four

The Doctor was standing by his console, trying to figure out where to take his companions when he heard someone clearing his throat behind him. He turned and saw the TARDIS interface was standing there.

"This is quite a surprise, you haven't used your holographic form for donkey's years," he said to her. "Do you need something?"

"I have a question," the TARDIS said.

"Yes?"

"The tall one kissed me the other day and put his genitals against me. What does this mean?"

The Doctor rolled his eyes.

"It means the tall one needs to get a life and stop the simulated humping," he said. "But in all seriousness, he was joking."

"I have been thinking about that ever since it happened," the TARDIS said.

"Why? It was just a harmless joke," the Doctor said.

"Because I have watched you with the Rose child. I have seen you hold her and stroke her while you lie in your bed. Is this putting of genitals against things and kissing part of that?"

"Well, normally people don't hump walls but kissing and fornication is part of loving someone," the Doctor said.

"And that is normal?" the TARDIS said.

"Very normal," the Doctor said.

He was shocked when the hologram walked over to him, mimed Jack's humping against his back and kissed his cheek.

"You look surprised, Doctor. You said it is normal for people to do that when they love someone," she said.

"Yes, but I never imagined my ship would hump my back," the Doctor said. "This whole humping things thing has taken a very bizarre turn."

"Has the Rose child ever done the…humping with you?" the TARDIS said.

"Um…no, not yet," the Doctor said.

"So you do not love her?"

"I do but sometimes it takes time to get to the point where you're comfortable doing that," the Doctor said. "We're still at the cuddling and kissing stage."

"I see. I was curious about this. I have never…humped another TARDIS."

The Doctor paused; his mind suddenly filled with the image of two police boxes humping each other. The TARDIS peeked into his mind and saw his thought.

"No, that has never happened to me," she said to him. "This image in your mind of me fornicating with myself."

"Wow! Of all the things to discuss with the TARDIS," the Doctor said. "I never thought sex would be a topic of discussion between us."

Just then Rose came into the room. She stopped when she spied the hologram.

"Hey, it's the hologram TARDIS," she said, walking towards them.

"You know about this?" the Doctor said, pointing to the hologram.

"I came to her when I asked her to become invisible," the TARDIS said.

"Oh! Yes, well…the TARDIS is curious about sex now that Jack has made her his bitch."

"Bitch?" the TARDIS said. "How did he make me a female dog?"

"It's a figure of speech," the Doctor said while Rose laughed. "I mean that he…well, he…Rose, explain!"

"Me? She asked you," Rose said.

"It means that he made you his whore, for want of a better word."

"I am Jack's whore?"

Rose bent over laughing at the wide eyed look on the Doctor's face.

"I never thought I'd hear my ship say that," the Doctor said.

Jack entered the room and waved to them. He stopped short when he saw the TARDIS hologram.

"Hello, Jack, I am your whore!" the TARDIS said.

Rose slumped over the railing laughing hysterically while the Doctor silently laughed at the shock on Jack's face.

"Doc, you been scouring the universe on my behalf?" Jack asked.

"Didn't have to, you made this whore all on your own," the Doctor said.

"Explain," Jack said.

"Jack, meet the TARDIS or rather her holographic interface. She is your whore now that you humped her."

"Whoa, wait, that was a sarcastic reply to Ianto's taunt about me loving everything in the universe. I'm not interested in screwing your ship on a full time basis," Jack said, holding up his hands.

"Jack, am I your whore?" the hologram said, floating over to him.

"Um, well I have to admit your hologram is sexy but I'd rather not date a time machine. I think Ianto would be a tad jealous."

"But you kissed and humped me. The Doctor says that is what people do when they love others."

"Yes. But people can also be smartasses and that's what I was doing. Dear God, what have I done? The TARDIS has the hots for me now! I think I'll go back to Ianto before I find a load of wires up my butt or something."

Jack turned to run but the TARDIS sealed up the back door. The Doctor and Rose laughed as Jack turned, put his hands on his hips and glared at the hologram.

"Open the door back up," he said.

"I want to know if I'm your whore. The Doctor says that you were trying to make me your bitch and bitch means whore. So am I your whore?"

"What the hell have you been saying to your ship?" Jack said to the Doctor.

"Nothing, nothing at all," the Doctor said innocently. "Just a few words about the birds and the bees. She was very curious after you raped her."

"I didn't rape your stupid ship!" Jack said.

"Ooo, calling her stupid, that wasn't nice," Rose said.

"Sorry, I didn't rape your ship, Doctor."

"You were dry humping the wall and I'm sure she didn't give her permission so that is a rape in my book."

"Oh hardy har har. Now open up the back door. You are not my whore. You're his whore if you're anybody's whore," Jack said, jabbing his finger at the Doctor.

"She's not my whore. She's my friend, companion and confidant. She'd be my whore if I mounted the console like a stallion but I haven't so she isn't. You on the other hand…"

"Whatever, Doctor!" Jack said while Rose howled with laughter. "Let me out!"

"Let him go, TARDIS," the Doctor said.

"THANK THE SWEET LORD JESUS! I'M OUTTA HERE!" Jack said, zooming through the door when it opened back up.

"Did I do something wrong?" the TARDIS said, turning to the Doctor and Rose.

"Um…no, he's just a bit shy. He'll come around and see that you and him were meant to be," the Doctor said while Rose shook with silent laughter. "But I'd leave him alone for awhile until he calms down. Don't pressure him too much."

"Okay, Doctor, I will do that. Goodbye, I will speak to you later."

The Doctor and Rose shared a look when the hologram vanished.

"See, never a dull moment in here, eh?" the Doctor said, patting Rose on the shoulder while she snickered.


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter Thirty Five

The Doctor was sitting on his jump seat, relaxing with his feet up on the rim of the console, being soothed by the familiar sound of his rotor when Rose suddenly flounced into the room.

"DOCTOR!" she squealed.

"WHAT?" he squealed back.

Rose skipped over to him while the Doctor watched her with an odd look on his face. She came up beside him and put something in his ruffled hair.

"There!" Rose said, stepping back.

The Doctor reached up, felt something plastic and took it down. He raised his eyebrow when he looked at a tiny yellow rubber ducky.

"No, Doctor Ducky must build his nest," Rose said, taking it from him and putting it back in his hair.

"Doctor Ducky?" the Doctor said.

"Yes. He's your new companion. Doctor Ducky was an outcast from the duck pond until you rescued him and now he lives in your hair."

"Um…okay," the Doctor said while Rose giggled.

"Doctor Ducky likes your hair because it's warm and comfy and he's building a nest so you mustn't disturb him," Rose said.

"Rose, are you on drugs now?" the Doctor said. "Because I can help you if you are."

Rose pulled out a black rubber duck from her pocket.

"This is Blacky, Blacky wants to live in your hair but Doctor Ducky won't let him."

"LSD is a very destructive drug, Rose. I can help you stop taking it," the Doctor said.

"Blacky and Doctor Ducky argue all the time but they're great friends," Rose said, holding the black duck up in front of the Doctor's face.

"Or are you huffing toxic substances? Huffing is also very dangerous," the Doctor said. "And then there's marijuana…"

Rose pulled a red rubber ducky out of her pocket.

"This is Bruno; he hates Blacky and Doctor Ducky and wants them both dead so he can have the hair nest for himself."

"Oh, my poor Rose, a helpless junkie and I'm the only one who can save her from herself."

"Blacky and Bruno are fighting now," Rose said, butting the ducks together. "But Doctor Ducky just sits in your hair, safe and sound."

"Oh how can I free Rose from her drug addiction?" the Doctor said while Rose giggled and made the ducks dance on his cheeks. "Poor junkie Rose, caught in the throes of a nightmare addiction. Is there any hope for her?"

"Will you quit that, I'm not a junkie," Rose said, poking him in the arm.

"You're not? Then what is this rubber duck freak out?" he said to her.

"I'm playing. Didn't you ever play on Gallifrey?"

"Um…I did from birth to about six months of age, then I graduated to quantum physics," he said.

"Fine then, I'll take my toys and go," Rose said, putting the ducks in her pocket and plucking Doctor Ducky from his hair.

The Doctor grinned and followed her. Rose gasped when he seized her from behind just as she reached the back door.

"I'm a tree being and I have you in my branches," he purred in her ear.

"If you're a tree, where's your leaves?" Rose said, looking over her shoulder.

"I have no need of leaves, I am a tree being. Leaves get in the way of my stalking."

"Ooo, stalking. You mean me?" Rose said, leaning back into him.

"Yes. You have angered the tree being by placing rubber ducks on his person. Now you must pay the price."

"And what price must I pay?" Rose drawled, loving the feel of the Doctor against her.

She frowned when the Doctor didn't say anything and looked up at him.

"What price must I pay?" she prompted.

"Um…thinking," the Doctor said.

Just then Jack walked through the door. He stopped short and summed up the situation.

"Okay, ten seconds from sex, I'm guessing so I'll see you later," he said before spinning around on his heel and hurrying out.

"We're not having sex!" the Doctor said while Rose laughed hysterically.

Jack came back into the room.

"What are you doing then?" he asked.

"He's a tree being and he has me in his branches," Rose said.

"Oh…roleplay, so it is close to the sex then," Jack said.

"No, we're just teasing each other," the Doctor said in exasperation. "Blimey, does everything have to equate sex in your mind?"

Rose laughed when Jack thought that over.

"Pretty much," he said, nodding. "And come on, you can't fool me. I know what you get up to when I'm not looking."

"Oh? Care to elaborate then?" the Doctor said.

"May I?" Jack said, holding out his hand to Rose.

Rose glanced up at the Doctor and saw the look of warning on his face. She patted his cheek and took Jack's hand. She gasped when Jack pulled her into a tight embrace.

"Ooooh, chicky boo, I'm the Doctor and I haven't had any for 19,000 years. Love me, you crazy ape, you!" he said.

"That's what you think we do when you're not looking?" the Doctor said as Jack panted heavily on Rose.

"Rose, would you like to see my other sonic screwdriver?" Jack said, pointing to his crotch.

Rose laughed when the Doctor snorted at that. She gasped when Jack picked her up and ran with her to the console.

"I must have you, my love bunny! Make sweet space love to me!" he said putting her up against the console. "Then open up my head and make sweet love to my brain because it's the most important part of me!"

"Okay, Harkness, that'll do!" the Doctor said, walking up to them.

"Ought oh, Doctor is in jealous mode. I better back off now," Jack said before stepping back from Rose.

The Doctor put his arms around Rose and gave him a pointed look.

"Well, I've pissed the Doctor off enough, I'll be going now," Jack said. "See you crazy kids later."

The Doctor watched him go and when he was out of the room, he pushed Rose up against the console.

"Oh, my love bunny, take me right here and now!" he said melodramatically.

Rose laughed and pretended to swoon while the Doctor panted.

"I knew it! I was right!" Jack said from the door.

"LEAVE!" the Doctor roared.

Jack ran off and the Doctor chuckled and walked over to the jump seat with Rose.


	36. Chapter 36

Chapter Thirty Six

The Doctor whistled cheerfully while he lay under his console doing repairs. Rose had gone out with Jack and Ianto to visit a nearby village but the Doctor declined, telling them he had work to do. His foot twitched back and forth while he used his sonic to weld a wire in place. He stopped whistling when he heard his front door opening and he looked at his watch.

"Blimey, they didn't stay there very long," he said.

"Um…what happened to the TARDIS?"

The Doctor froze when he heard an unfamiliar voice. A female voice with a Scottish accent. He slid out from under the console and hopped up. He stared at two strangers standing on his ramp. A young woman with long red hair and a young man with short brown hair. The three of them stared at one another.

"Um…can I help you?" the Doctor finally said.

"Yes, you can start by getting out of the Doctor's TARDIS, you thin little geek," the woman said.

"I am the Doctor and this is my TARDIS, ginger," the Doctor said angrily. "Why don't you and your friend get out?"

"We live here!" the red haired woman said.

"No, you don't. Now get out!" the Doctor said.

"Whoa, wait!" the man said, holding up his hands. "Before the fists start flying, let's talk this out, alright? You say you're the Doctor?"

"Yes, I'm the Doctor and you are…"

"Rory Williams, this is my wife, Amy."

"Nice to meet ya. I don't travel with you, I travel with Rose Tyler, Jack Harkness and Ianto Jones."

"Okay, then why are we here?" Amy said.

"I don't know. I just know you're in the wrong TARDIS. I haven't met you lot yet."

"Wrong TARDIS? Where's our TARDIS then?" Amy said, looking around.

"Maybe we didn't walk far enough. Sorry to disturb you," Rory said to the Doctor.

"Wait, I don't recognize you so you must be in my future. And you don't recognize me so that must mean you travel with a future version of me," the Doctor said.

"I s'pose so," Amy said. "I must admit you are cute."

"Oi, I'm right here, remember?" Rory said.

"Anyway…Doctor, we'll be going now."

"See you sometime in the fu…"

"What's this?"

Jack stepped into the TARDIS and gave Amy and Rory a once over.

"Making new friends while we were gone?" he said to the Doctor.

"They're my future companions. They went into the wrong TARDIS," the Doctor said.

"No kidding? Wow, you are incredibly sexy," Jack said to Amy, "and you're not bad either," he added as he admired Rory.

"Jack, don't rape my future companions in front of me, please?" the Doctor said.

"Doctor, I found something for ya and…"

Rose came into the TARDIS holding a small paper sack in her hand.

"Who're you?" she asked Amy and Rory.

"They…are the Doctor's future companions," Jack said.

"Oh? Well, I'm the current companion. Nice to meet ya, excuuuuse me!" she said, breezing past them to the Doctor.

Jack glanced at Ianto when he came into the TARDIS and froze.

"Friends?" Ianto said to the Doctor as he pointed at Amy and Rory.

"Future companions," the Doctor said, taking the sack from Rose and opening it. "Coconut bread! I love coconut bread. Thank you!"

"So…are these people coming with us now?" Ianto said to the Doctor.

"No, these people are off to find their own TARDIS. I don't even meet them until a future life apparently."

"What about me? Why aren't I with them then?" Rose said.

"Yeah and where am I?" Jack said.

"You are probably in an intergalactic brothel giving hand jobs to squid women," the Doctor said to him. "Rose is probably in her room somewhere."

"No, we don't know her," Rory said.

"Oh? Gonna dump me at some point, eh?" Rose said to the Doctor.

"How should I know? All this hasn't happened to me yet," the Doctor said, pointing to Amy and Rory.

"Hey, ginger, are you single?" Jack said to Amy.

"No, she's not!" Rory barked at Jack.

"Just askin'," Jack said as he and Ianto walked past them.

"Well, you met my companions and we met you, so now it's time for you to leave and find your Doctor," the Doctor said as everyone gathered around him.

"Wait, now…the Doctor regenerates, right?" Amy said.

"Right," the Doctor said.

"So what life is this?" Amy said.

"Tenth."

"And you're wearing the same clothes as the Raggedy Doctor. I just noticed that," Amy said.

"Raggedy Doctor?" Rose said.

"Yeah, I met him when he crashed his TARDIS into…"

"NO! Don't say a word! I can't know my future!" the Doctor said, holding up his hands. "You've said too much already, not to mention you and Rory being here! Now out!"

"Fine then, we're going," Amy said. "Come on, Rory."

"Bye," Rory said, waving as they turned and left the TARDIS.

"Wow, lots of strange things happen to you when we leave," Jack said as the Doctor walked to the door so he could close it.

He got to the door and gasped when Amy came back in pulling a man with him.

"Amy! This is highly unadvisable!" the man said as Amy brought him inside. "This is extra very not good! I can't be here!"

"Look! This is you!" Amy said to the Doctor as he pointed to the man.

"I tried to resist but this woman has Swarzeneggarian strength," Eleven said to Ten. "I warned her not to!"

"I warned her not to as well. Apparently, we keep on with the trend of bring companions on board who don't listen."

"I wanted you to meet him, he's your next life," Amy said.

"Thank you so much. Now I'll have to spend the next few hours erasing this meeting from my mind and from their minds so we don't muck up my timeline. Thanks for giving us something to do!"

"She's incorrigible but she's also indispensable," Eleven said to Ten. "Actually, I have one more companion but she's in the TARDIS."

"Is she cute?" Jack said.

"Jack, you'd think a lamppost is cute if you were drunk enough," Eleven said to him.

Eleven looked at Rose and he froze. Ten gave him a confused look and looked from him to Rose and back again.

"What?" he said to Eleven.

"Yeah, what?" Rose said. "Whatcha lookin' at me like that for?"

Eleven jolted out of his reverie.

"Anyway, Amy, back to our TARDIS!" he said, pulling on her. "Nice meeting all of you…again. See ya! Come along, POND!" he yelled as he pulled her out the door.

"Wow, that was very, very odd," Jack said. "They were cute though, especially you, Doc. Love the baby face. Bow tie and tweed is a bit scary though."

"That's him, not me; I wouldn't be caught dead in that stuff. I…Rose? Rose!" he yelled as she hurried out the door. "Rose! Get back here!"

"Doctor! Wait!" Rose called to Eleven as she ran after him.

Eleven stopped with Amy and turned.

"Rose, go back!" Eleven said, pointing to the TARDIS. "Go back now, you can't do this."

"Don't you care for me? Did you chuck me out the door at some point?" Rose said, slowly walking towards him.

"Rose, you can't know anything about your future. Amy shouldn't have pulled me in there and now both versions of ourselves have to sort all this out. Now go back!"

"Yes, but I need to…"

Suddenly, a gigantic bat creature dropped from the sky directly behind Rose.

"Doctor!" Rose said as the creature leapt up, grabbed her in its talons and flew off.

"Rose!" Eleven yelled as Ten, Jack and Ianto came to the door of their TARDIS and watched in horror as Rose was carried away by the bat.


	37. Chapter 37

Chapter Thirty Seven

Rory and Ianto stood back, listening while Eleven, Ten, Jack and Amy bickered and pointed fingers at each other.

"What are you doing here? You shouldn't even be here! Don't you know where you are?" Eleven yelled at Ten.

"No because I needed to make emergency repairs, I had no idea I'd landed on Guanoca."

"Well, you should have locked your door then!" Eleven said.

"Jack, Ianto and Rose were outside!" Ten shot back. "Why don't you keep an eye on your companions?"

"Because he's not the boss of me!" Amy said to the Doctor.

"I figured that out when you dragged him into my TARDIS!" Ten shot back as he pointed to his future self. "You don't listen very well, do ya!"

"On the other hand, she has great tits," Jack offered.

Eleven glared at him and Jack held up his hands.

"Just sayin'" Jack said.

"Look, can we stop fighting and concentrate on the problem at hand?" Rory said.

"Yes before Rose gets eaten alive or something?" Ianto added.

Everyone calmed down and Eleven nodded.

"They're right, Rose is in danger. We'll argue and play the blame game later," Eleven said.

"So what do we do then?" Ianto said.

"We could use the TARDIS to track her and pinpoint her location," Ten said. "Land nearby and do a snatch and grab."

"What if there's a whole fleet of those…bat things?" Jack said.

Eleven glanced at Amy and grinned.

"One second. I have someone who can handle a fleet of bat things. Be back in a trice," he said.

(Meanwhile…)

Rose grunted when the bat dropped her down on the top of a rock mesa. She got up on her knees and gazed fearfully at the bat flapping over her head.

"If you're gonna eat me, do it quickly, yeah?" she said to it.

She watched as the bat flew past her and landed gracefully on the ground. It folded its wings and used the folded wings to turn its body around so it could examine her. Rose pulled her eyes away from it and dared to get up so she could see if she could see the TARDIS. The bat watched her silently while she walked twenty feet to the edge of the mesa and looked out. She could see the TARDIS about a hundred feet away. It was in the middle of a clearing in a forest and she noticed an identical TARDIS in another clearing to the west of it. She figured the second one was Eleven's TARDIS since she saw a group of people clustered around her TARDIS. She glanced back at the bat, took a deep breath and screamed for all she was worth.

XOXOXOXOX

Everyone's head shot up when they heard Rose's faint scream.

"Oh great, she's all the way up there," Jack said, pointing to the mesa. "And it looks pretty smooth on this side if you were thinking about climbing up."

"No,we'll use the TARDIS. We'll land up there and get her," Ten said.

Rose fell silent and stepped back when the bat crawled up beside her and looked out at them. The others on the ground stood and observed her but the bat didn't seem to take notice of her.

"Doesn't look like she's being eaten just yet," Jack said. "That's a good sign."

"Yeah but that doesn't mean it won't start soon. We need to get up there!" the Doctor said.

"Here I am and I brought my kickass help!"

Everyone turned and saw Eleven walking up to them with woman by his side. She was middle aged with blonde curly hair and she was carrying a laser blaster in her hand.

"This is River Song, our firearms expert," Eleven said to everyone.

"Whoa! No one said anything about shooting it!" Ten said.

"Just in case there's a nest," Eleven said.

"Doesn't look like a nest to me. So far it's one lone bat," Jack said, pointing to the mesa.

"Hmmm, wonder if I can shoot it between the eyes from here?" River said, raising her gun.

"No! We don't shoot unless we have to," Ten said, running up and jerking her arm down.

"He's more moral than I am," Eleven said to River.

"Hmm, good job I stayed with you then," River said.

"Um, shouldn't we be concentrating on Rose now?" Rory said.

"Yes. Everyone in to my TARDIS. We'll sort this out!" Ten said.

XOXOXOXOXO

Rose watched while everyone ran into the TARDIS. She breathed a sigh of relief and looked at the bat.

"You better fly away, Batty. Me mates are coming to get me," she said to it.

She staggered back when a bright light suddenly enveloped the bat and it morphed into a humanoid form. Rose gazed at it. It had a human body with brown fur and a human head with a snub nose, huge bat ears and fangs. It now had human arms and legs and its bat wings were folded against its back. She also noticed it had quite a sizable bat schlong.

"Um, keep away from me with that thing," Rose said, pointing to it.

"My name is Albacore, king of the bat people!" the man said with a cultured British accent.

"Okay, my name is Rose Tyler, queen of…the Doctor's hearts," she said.

"You will be my concubine and bear me children!" Albacore said.

"I don't think so. I'm already spoken for and he won't like bringing up bastard bat children," Rose replied.

"Do you speak of those puny humans? They shall be my supper before too long."

"No, you'll be the Doctor's supper if you don't fly away…too late," Rose said smugly when the TARDIS materialized beside them.

"Stop or I shall attack!" Albacore said as everyone filed out of the TARDIS. "You shall never defeat me!"

"Wow, a very posh bat, thing, creature, person," Amy said.

Rose tried to run to the Doctors but Albacore jumped in front of her.

"You shall bear my children, concubine!" he proclaimed.

"Doctor, any Doctor, a little help?" Rose said.

"Now listen, Batty Watty, I have a woman here who loves to shoot things. So just flap away and forget about concubines and bat children," Eleven said.

"Who, sir, are you?"

"I'm the Doctor and this woman is very dear to me. So clear off before I rip your wings off your back."

"I have laid claim to this woman and I shall procreate with her!" Albacore proclaimed.

"No, you shall not," Ten said. "You will leave her along or I shall resort to fisticuffs."

"I am not afraid of you, Sirrah! Punch me if you dare!"

"Oh please, can I knock the pompous bat person back on his little bat ass?" Jack begged Ten. "Please, Doc, let me do it! Please! I love a challenge!"

"Carry on," he said to Jack.

"Groovy! Come on, Batty, fight me!" Jack said.

"You? You are ugly with an atrocious haircut and you smell. I shall not fight you!"

"Chicken!" Jack said.

He grunted when Albacore opened the wing closest to him and he was shoved back onto the ground. Albacore folded the wing back up and let out a bored yawn as he walked towards Rose. River quickly stepped in front of him and aimed her blaster at him.

"I assume you know what this is," River said. "I'm not afraid to use it."

"Your antics bore me, wench."

"Wench?" River said.

"Ooo, that was a stupid thing to say to her," Eleven said.

River shot a laser blast into the air and aimed the gun back at him.

"Now, call me a wench again!" she said, smirking at Albacore.

She glared at Albacore when he began to hop around in a circle chanting, "Wench, wench, wench," over and over.

"Wow, he's got a lot of guts," Amy said.

"Yes, and the guts are about to be shot out of his body," River growled.

Suddenly, Albacore was blindsided when Ianto and Rory ran into him and knocked him off the mesa.

"Hmm, bit crude but I like it," River said.

"Rose, come on," Ten said.

Rose ran to Eleven and he took her hand and ran her into the TARDIS. The door slammed just as Albacore reached the top of the mesa. He flapped his wings while he looked around.

"Where is my concubine?" he demanded.

"In my TARDIS with my other self," Ten said. "And my other self better not be romancing her in there," he added, eyeing the TARDIS doors.

"Then it's me verses all of you for the hand of my fair maiden."

"No, I don't think the fair maiden wants you," Jack said. "So flap away, Little Lord Fauntleroy, and forget about her before you live to regret it!"

Albacore was about to reply when the TARDIS suddenly vanished. It reappeared a few seconds later, landing on Ten, Amy, Rory, Jack and Ianto. Suddenly, River was outside along with the stunned Albacore.

"Oh good, they're all in there which means I can shoot you now," River said gleefully.

The TARDIS dematerialized and River let out a curse when it slowly landed on her.

"Hey! I was about to shoot him!" River said when she was completely inside.

"Let me in! I must have my concubine!" Albacore yelled as he pounded on the door.

"No, sorry, no concubines today," the Doctor said as he started up his TARDIS.

They heard Albacore yell in shock and anger and then it faded as the Doctor took the TARDIS back to Eleven's TARDIS.

"There you are, out the door and into your own TARDIS before Bats for Brains comes down here," Ten said.

"Thanks!" Amy said as she opened the door and she, Rory and River sprinted out.

Eleven was about to follow them when suddenly he spun around, grabbed Rose and snogged her brains out for ten seconds.

"GET OUT!" Ten screamed at him.

"Oh, for heaven's sake, I'm you. Quit getting jealous of yourself!" Eleven said before sprinting out the door.

"Quit getting jealous of yourself," Ten mocked him in a snotty voice as Jack slammed the door. "Tosser. I'll be sure to hit myself in the face when I'm you and…"

They gasped when the TARDIS shook the moment Albacore landed on top.

"GIVE ME MY CONCUBINE!" he yelled as he pounded on the door.

"Right! Into the vortex!" the Doctor said, hurriedly starting up the TARDIS.

They breathed a sigh of relief when the TARDIS flew to safety inside the vortex.

"Right, everyone here is getting a mental enema now so we can forget everything that just happened," the Doctor said to them.

"But I wanna remember your other self, he was sexy," Jack said.

"Not me, I want that bat thing out of my mind. Sign me up for the enema!" Rose said, hurrying to his side.

"But…this is my mind and I want to remember the other you," Jack said.

"Harkness, if you cause trouble and resist the enema, I will do what Hannibal did to the FBI agent in the Hannibal film. That means you'll be tied to a chair, your brain will be opened and you'll watch me roast bits of it in front of you while you slowly become a mental midget! Your choice, enema or brain roasting?"

"Fine, fine, you probably were impotent anyway," Jack said, sulking while Ianto patted him sympathetically on the shoulder.


	38. Chapter 38

Chapter Thirty Eight

Rose lay on the sofa reading The Hunger Games. She had nearly finished the entire book when the Doctor suddenly came up to the sofa, bent over and turned his head so it was blocking Rose's view.

"Oi, move your head," Rose said.

"What's this?" he said, leaning up and bending over to look at the title. "The Hunger Games, hmmm…"

Rose sighed when he leaned up, bent over and put his head between her and the book again.

"This is boring," the Doctor said, turning his head to look at Rose.

"Then don't read it," Rose said.

"Blimey, you read such boring books. What about Kingly Wingly and the Donkey Poo?"

"What? That sounds daft to me."

"Once upon a time there was a man named Kingly Wingly and he lived in the magical land of Snarf. One day he was walking down the road when he spied some donkey poo laying in the middle of it. Kingly Wingly puzzled and puzzled about the poo until he decided to step over it. Then all was happiness. The end."

Rose stared at him silently while the Doctor waited for her reaction.

"That is complete pants," she finally said. "At least The Hunger Games has action in it."

"I'm here," the Doctor said, moving his head closer to hers.

"I see that."

"Amuse me, I'm bored. You're reading a boring book so you have nothing better to do. Amuse me."

Rose stared at him for a moment and then laid her book down on her belly. She threw her arms up in the air, kicked her legs and waggled her fingers while she yelled "GONGA, GONGA, GONGA!" Then she rested herself while the Doctor stared at her silently.

"Well, was that amusin' enough?" she said after thirty seconds of silence.

The Doctor didn't answer. He leaned back up, turned crisply on his heel and went out the door.

"Hurrah, the weirdo has left the room," Rose said as she picked up her book.

She read to the end of the chapter before the Doctor came back into the room. Rose let out a world weary sigh and put the open book back down on her belly. She looked at the odd device in the Doctor's hands. In one hand was a small, rectangular silver box with red dials and buttons on top of it. In his other hand was something that looked like a huge silver dildo to her and running between them was a long plastic tube that dipped down in front of the Doctor like a huge plastic U. Rose gave the Doctor a wary look as he approached and stopped beside her.

"Dare I ask what that is?" Rose said, pointing to it.

"You know how humans always go on and on about aliens abducting them and giving them anal probes? Well, meet the real deal. A Bungungian anal probe. Guaranteed to get results. Care to have a go?"

"Hell, no, get that thing away from me," Rose said.

The Doctor put the anal probe down on the wooden coffee table and reached into his trouser pocket. He brought out a small silver ring that had a weird device on it that Rose thought looked like a silver hot dog.

"This…is a Kretsian Cattle Mutilator. Because you know, that's the other thing humans think we all do. As if we don't have enough on our plate without turning moo moos inside out all day long."

He laid it on the table next to the anal probe and jogged out of the room. Rose stared at the items on the coffee table and picked up the ring, turning it over and over in her hand and examining it. While she was doing that, Jack sauntered into the room.

"Mornin' Blondie," he drawled as he headed for the chair beside her. "Yan is still asleep so I thought I'd check out what's on the TV this morning and…hullo…" he said when he noticed the anal probe.

Rose watched while he picked it up and examined the probe part.

"Wow, a space age dildo, this'll be perfect for Ianto…for tonight," he said.

"It's an anal probe," Rose said.

"You don't say?" Jack said. "Hmmm, perhaps we can play alien and abductee tonight then."

Wishing she hadn't heard that, Rose lay the ring back on the table and went back to reading her book while Jack settled down in the chair and examined his new sex toy. Jack noticed the ring and picked it up.

"And this…" he said.

"It's a cattle mutilator," Rose said, turning a page.

"Oh, well, we'll leave that behind then," Jack said, laying it back on the table. "I've seen photos of cattle mutilations, don't want Yan ending up inside out."

Rose lost herself in her book. She was so fixated on it that she nearly jumped out of her skin when Jack let out a startled yell. She put the book down and turned her head towards him. Her eyes bulged when she saw a grey, big-headed, big eyed alien standing beside him. The alien resembled the classic Roswell alien and Rose wondered how it got inside the TARDIS. She was about to say hello when the alien reached up with its thin grey fingers, put them against his cheeks and pulled his head off. Rose was astonished when the Doctor took off the head and tucked it under his arm.

"Okay, this a real mind fuck if I ever saw one," Jack said.

"This is an Andromedan space suit. It's what humans see whenever they have encounters with Andromedans. They assume the space suit is their real body."

"Can I borrow that for tonight?" Jack said.

The Doctor gave him an odd look and noticed the anal probe in his lap.

"What are you doing with that?" he asked.

"He's going to use it on Ianto tonight," Rose said. "They're playing alien and abductee."

"And I'd really like the spacesuit to complete the roleplaying experience," Jack said. "So can I?"

"Guess my answer," the Doctor said.

"Um…no," Jack said tentatively.

"DING DING DING DING DING!" the Doctor said while Rose giggled.

"Aw, come on, you and Rose can roleplay another time. Let me have a turn," Jack said.

"I don't roleplay with this," the Doctor said while Rose laughed harder. "I was passing the time by showing Rose some alien artifacts. Why would I roleplay being an alien when I am an alien?"

"Rose could be the alien," Jack said.

"Oooo, there's an idea. Let me do the anal probe on the Doctor!" Rose said eagerly.

"Can I watch?" Jack said.

"No, you can't anal probe me and you sure as hell can't watch," the Doctor said. "My God, it's sex, sex, sex with you humans! Night and day, nothing but thoughts of fornication. No wonder you think all aliens do is give anal probes! Your kinky, perverted minds hope for that sort of thing if you get abducted!"

"See, that's all he thinks we do is just think of sex."

"This coming from the man who wants to borrow my anal probe and Andromedan costume for a night of roleplay with Ianto!" the Doctor said while Rose laughed.

"Okay, I can prove it to you that I can go without thinking of sex for several minutes."

"Calm down, Jack, I don't want the universe exploding because of your hasty decision not to think of sex," the Doctor said.

"Hardy, har har. I mean I will go the exact opposite and tell you a very tragic and woeful tale about Rose here."

Rose sat up, her book forgotten now in her interest to hear his story.

"A woeful tale about Rose," the Doctor said.

"Yes. A very woeful and tragic tale, made up completely on the spot by me and absolutely no sex or sex references whatsoever."

"Blimey, now I really have to hear this," the Doctor said, sitting down in the other chair while Rose laughed. "Okay, Harkness, give us your tragic, woeful, no sex whatsoever tale..."


	39. Chapter 39

Chapter Thirty Nine

The Doctor set his helmet down beside the chair while Jack cleared his throat.

Everyone waited for Jack to begin.

"Well?" the Doctor said after a minute of silence.

"I'm thinking. I'm getting my thoughts in order," Jack said.

"No, you're trying to ram your thoughts around the big thought that involves you and Ianto playing alien and abductee," the Doctor said.

"Speaking of, you look cute in grey," Jack said, pointing to the Doctor's spacesuit. "Anyway, I digress," he said, noticing the annoyance creeping onto the Doctor's face. "Okay, for sake of argument, let's say that you and Rose had a ginormous fight about Rose staying here forever and ever and you bring up the whole I will outlive you eons and eons and Rose is heartbroken."

"Rose, do you still have that Hunger Games book handy? I might need it halfway through this story," the Doctor said, looking around.

"Wait, no…hang on," Jack said. "Um…Rose is tricked into leaving the TARDIS because an alien tells her that the Doctor doesn't love her."

"And she'd believe the random alien over me?" the Doctor said.

"True. Um…thinking here," Jack said.

"Rose, where's that Hunger Games book?" the Doctor said while Rose giggled.

"Okay, here we go. The Doctor believes that Rose has betrayed him so he takes her back home and leaves her there," Jack said.

"In what way does she betray me?" the Doctor said.

"She…steals your chocolate Easter bunny that you wanted," Jack said.

Rose laughed when the Doctor looked at her and slowly shook his head before turning his attention back to Jack.

"No, it's because another alien seduced her. No, it's not me," Jack said when the Doctor pointed at him. "An alien…deer."

Rose laughed when the Doctor shot her a "What the hell?" look.

"Okay, so…so far, Rose has been seduced by Alien Bambi and I dump her out the TARDIS door because I'm afraid of getting lime disease or something," the Doctor said.

"If you say so, Mister Heckler," Jack said while Rose laughed. "Anyway, Rose is despondent."

"And you show up at her door for cuddles and sex," the Doctor said.

"No!" Jack said while Rose laughed harder. "Just give me the benefit of the doubt, okay?"

"I did until you mentioned Alien Bambi then I figured it was open season on your story after that," the Doctor.

"Doctor, let him finish," Rose said. "So I'm despondent..."

"And you turn to drugs to ease the pain."

Jack paused and noticed the Doctor's left eyebrow was climbing up his forehead.

"I know that Rose isn't a junkie in real life," he said to him.

"And you think my leaving her is enough to trigger some sort of sudden LSD addiction then?"

"Not LSD. Heroin."

Rose laughed when the eyebrow went up again. Jack waited for a sarcastic response and continued his story when the Doctor remained silent.

"So anyway…Rose is becoming a total heroin junkie and when her mom tries to help her, she runs away and lives on the streets," Jack said. "But unbeknownst to Rose, she is being watched. No, not by me!" Jack said when the Doctor pointed at him. "By…The Wishmaker!" he said dramatically. "The Wishmaker is a wizened old man who preys on people who are desperate. He pretends to grant their wishes but he turns the wishes against them."

"Sorta like the devil then," the Doctor said.

"Um…yeah, kinda like that," Jack said. "So anyway, Rose is homeless and dirty and unloved and sleeping in a cardboard box in an alley."

"Yup, you can just reach out and touch the pathos now," the Doctor said. "Rose, where's The Hunger Games?"

"Just let me finish," Jack said while Rose sniggered. "So Rose is lying there, crying her eyes out and wishing that she didn't have to feel any emotions because her heart is breaking over the Doctor. The Wishmaker hears her and decides to get his revenge on the Doctor."

"Wait, wait, wait, whoa. When did I meet this Wishmaker chap then?" the Doctor said.

"Um…in the past…sometime," Jack said.

"So he can pick Rose's voice out of millions of human voices in London which seems a bit farfetched to begin with, especially if I met him before Rose even came on board the TARDIS. Quite a tremendous feat there, Jack. Wish I could do that," the Doctor said.

"Rose was with you when you met him. You just bumped into him and didn't know who he was."

"And my bumping into him was enough to trigger this sociopathic need to get revenge on me?" the Doctor said while Rose laughed. "Damn the Doctor, he sloshed water on my shoe, I will see him hanged someday, I will!"

"Anyway," Jack said, trying to keep a straight face as the Doctor gave him a cheeky grin, "the Wishmaker comes down to the alley and pretends to be a hunched over old man. He goes up to the cardboard box where Rose is crying softly."

"And Rose screams at the creepy old codger and kicks him in the face and breaks his nose. Or at least, this Rose would," the Doctor said, pointing to Rose who nodded and snickered.

"What is wrong, my dear, the Wishmaker says to her and Rose says I wish I couldn't feel anything because the love of my life deserted me."

"And then she kicks him in the face and he bleeds," the Doctor said.

"I can help you," Jack said, ignoring him. "I can make you wish come true."

"THEN she kicks him in the face and he bleeds," the Doctor said while Rose laughed.

"No! She's heroin addicted, Doctor, and she's hungry and crying."

"Never stopped her before," the Doctor said with a shrug.

"Anyway, the old man helps her to her feet and tells her he has food and a warm place to sleep," Jack said. "Rose is so cold and sick that she takes him up on the offer. But suddenly, he brings out a cloth from his pocket and shoves it over her nose and the chloroform inside it knocks her out and he carriers her away."

"Bwhahaha," the Doctor said dryly.

"So the Wishmaker takes her on board his spaceship and he sends out a message to the TARDIS telling the Doctor that he'd like to speak with him. The message reaches the TARDIS but the Doctor doesn't answer it at first because he's in the loo wiping his big poopy butt."

Rose laughed when the Doctor narrowed his eyes at that. Jack grinned and gleefully ignored him.

"Aaah, said the Doctor. That hits the spot! I always like to have my butt clean and…what's this? Message from the TARDIS! I must go but first I must flush. And so the Doctor flushed and flushed and flushed because he had a Lincoln log in the toilet."

"Is this really necessary?" the Doctor said.

"No, but it's for all the snide comments when I tried to tell you my story. You criticized my story, you shit a brick and have a poopy butt. So there!"

"Yeah, that wounds me deeply. I'll never get over the fact that you made me had a poopy butt in your story, Jack," the Doctor said, rolling his eyes while Rose sniggered.

"So anyway, the Doctor flounced into the console room, light as Tinkerbell on his feet," Jack said while Rose laughed harder. "He was especially chipper this morning, having dumped a load in the bog…"

"Get on with it!" the Doctor said, rolling his eyes.

"So, the Doctor accessed the message and saw the face of someone he didn't know."

"Because apparently I breathed wrong on the vindictive bugger in some lift somewhere," the Doctor said.

"Who are you? The Doctor said. Ah, you do not know me? I am the Wishmaker! That's nice, hold on, gotta dump another load in the toilet!"

Rose laughed. The Doctor tried to look stern but was secretly trying not to laugh. Jack grinned at the reaction his story was getting and continued.

"There we go, another Lincoln log in the loo, the Doctor said, coming back to the console. Now, what did you want? I'm the Wishmaker and I have Rose Tyler and if you do not surrender, I will turn your junkie girlfriend into a bunch of roses!"

Rose looked at the Doctor who was now slumped in his chair, twiddling his fingers, while he stared at Jack.

"Bunch of roses?" the Doctor said. "As in actual roses?"

"Yes, he would turn her into roses because roses don't have any emotions and it would be an ironic play on her name," Jack said.

"Wow. Suddenly, I feel like dumping in the toilet now, how about you, Rose?" he said.

"You don't think it's ironic that I'd be turned into roses?" Rose teased.

"No, I think it's daft. This Wishmaker sounds like a wimp. All I'd have to do is land my TARDIS on him and splat, he'd be a smirch of goo on the floor. Not to mention Rose would kick him in the face if she wasn't strung out on heroin and suicidally depressed or did I mention that before? Anyway, on with your tale…"

"Why are you doing this to Rose, the Doctor said. Because you…kicked me in the balls one day and this is my revenge."

Rose bent over laughing as the Doctor gave Jack a wide eyed look.

"And what would have prompted me to kick an old man in the balls?" the Doctor said to Jack as Rose gasped for air. "I was having a bad day, was I?"

"He was trying to mug you," Jack said.

"Mug me? For what?" the Doctor said.

"For…oh that's right, you carry no money on you," Jack said. "Well, you wear a suit so you look rich!"

Rose laughed harder as a bemused grin spread over the Doctor's face.

"Okay…I was going to be mugged so my defense was a swift kick in an old man's bollocks. Yup, that showed him alright!" he said to Rose.

"So anyway, you were distraught because you'd been missing Rose and you'd been to Jackie's and Jackie said she didn't know where she was so you'd been looking for her."

"And yet, Old Geezer can just put his hand to his ear and pick her out of millions of voices. Damn, I wish I had his talent!" the Doctor said while Rose snickered.

"Yes, because he's much, much more better than you are," Jack said sarcastically.

"Can't be. No one is better than me," the Doctor said.

He widened his eyes when Jack suddenly gasped and made flailing motions with his hands.

"What are you doing?" the Doctor said.

"I'm drowning in your enormous ego! It's filling up the room!" Jack said.

"Ooo," Rose said when the Doctor eyed him.

"Anyway," Jack said, stopping his flailing and gasping. "Things were going badly for the Doctor and he was really in a bind…"


	40. Chapter 40

Chapter Forty

"So, anyway," Jack said. "The Wishmaker demanded his surrender."

"And suddenly Rose awoke and saw his face in the monitor and she cried out for him!" Rose said melodramatically.

She giggled at Jack's stunned look.

"You could let me play me in this story, save ya some time narrating it," she said.

Jack looked at the Doctor.

"And…are you playing you then?" he said.

"Come on, Doctor, bit of roleplaying. He can be Wishmaker," Rose said, pointing to Jack.

"Take it away then, Blondie," Jack said. "You see the Doctor and…"

"Doctor, it's me! Help me!" Rose yelled as she clasped her hands together as if to beg for his help.

The Doctor glanced at Jack who was shaking with silent laughter.

"Come on, Alien Thespian, pull out those acting abilities of yours," Jack teased.

The Doctor glanced at Rose and it was his turn to grin at her cheesy begging pose. He cleared his throat.

"Rose," he said. "I've been searching for you everywhere! Where have you been?"

"I've been shooting up speedballs, rummaging through bins and lying in a box in an alley."

Jack laughed at the bemused grin on the Doctor's face.

"Nooo!" the Doctor howled while Rose laughed. "Not my Rose, she wouldn't shoot up heroin, no!"

They both looked at Jack, waiting for him to continue.

"Wow, suddenly I'm at a loss for words here," Jack said. "Um…that's right, Doctor. Rose is a junkie and only I can end her pain! She wishes not to feel anything so I'll turn her into a bunch of roses! Bwahahaha!"

"Um…hmmm, should I want that or not?" Rose muttered to herself. "Um…okay, I want that to happen then just to see where it goes." She cleared her throat. "Yes, I want to become a bunch of roses, I don't want to feel anything anymore!" she said melodramatically.

"Honestly, Rose, pull yourself together," the Doctor said sternly as he put his hands on his hips. "I trained you better than this and…wait, gotta take another massive dump in the loo."

Jack and Rose bent over laughing when the Doctor clenched his fists, squenched his eyes shut and made grunting noises as he pretended to use the toilet. Then he let out a sigh of relief and relax.

"Sorry, have a problem with my bowel movements today. I was saying that Rose would never act like this on her own unless someone was making her say such things."

"I'm a heroin addict, Doctor," Rose said.

"That's no excuse, young lady! I have half a mind to come onto that ship and shake some sense into ya!" the Doctor said, wagging his finger at her.

"Wow, that sounded like mum for a moment," Rose said. "Um…Jack, wanna say something now?"

"Um…Surrender, Doctor, or you will watch her become roses!" Jack said, thrusting his finger into the air.

"Will you let Rose go if I do?" the Doctor said.

"Of course. He says with his fingers crossed behind his back," Jack said. "I will free Rose if you come up here."

"Why do I not believe you, Mister Old Codger I Kicked In The Balls Once?" the Doctor said.

"Damn you for doing that!" Jack said melodramatically. "You will suffer for that, Doctor!"

The three of them were now so engrossed in the roleplay that they failed to notice Ianto walking into the room. He slowed and stopped near the door while he watched them.

"I told you I'd surrender! What more do you want? Let Rose go now!" the Doctor said to Jack.

"What the hell?" Ianto muttered under his breath.

He glanced at Rose and noticed she didn't seem to be in need of letting go. In fact, she was laughing.

"I will if you surrender and come into my ship," Jack said.

"Very well, I will come onto your ship now. Using my transmat beam."

Rose laughed and Jack's eyes boggled when the Doctor got up and sat right down in his lap.

"There, I'm on your ship now," the Doctor said.

Rose laughed hysterically when she noticed Jack was trying to hide the fact that he was turned on by the Doctor being on his lap.

"No sex, remember," the Doctor said to Jack.

"Um…just a sec, gotta compose myself before I continue," Jack said. "Um…Ha ha ha, now I have you and now you will join Rose as I turn her into roses!"

"Ianto?"

The Doctor and Jack turned their heads when Rose finally noticed Ianto.

"What are you doing?" Ianto said.

"It's not what it looks like," Jack said. "We're having some fun doing some roleplaying and we just got a little bit into it."

"Oh," Ianto said. "I wondered what the hell was going on. I came in when the Doctor was saying he'd surrender if you let Rose go."

Jack quickly explained what was going on after Rose invited him to come and sit with them. Ianto sat down beside Rose and shook his head.

"You lot are strange sometimes," he said.

"Yes, but you have to admit we're loads of fun," Jack said.

Ianto looked at the Doctor.

"Are you comfortable?" he said to him.

"Well, Jack's lap is a little lumpy. I suspect that has to do with the bulge in his trousers but other than that, yes, I'm comfy."

"And you're making up some story about Rose being a junkie and being turned into roses?" Ianto said.

"It's what I want," Rose said, putting the back of her hand against her forehead. "I don't want to feel anymore!"

She laughed when Ianto gave her a wry look.

"No, Rose, I must join you in your floral living death!" the Doctor said while Rose laughed. "I must hold you and then we can become intertwined and look great on one of those trellis things."

"No!" Rose said, putting her hands over her heart. "You mustn't sacrifice yourself for me! You must live on and be the Time Lord and dump in the toilet and things."

"You lot are very strange," Ianto said when everyone laughed. "I came in here to get my magazine and I find myself in the middle of some operatic roleplaying game."

"Just goes to show you never know what will happen on the TARDIS," Jack said. "One moment we're fleeing Daleks, the next moment Rose is a crack whore and part time rose bush who must save her lover from joining her on the trellis."

Rose giggled insanely and the Doctor launched himself at her.

"No! She can't be a part time rose bush, that's my job!" he said before the two of them collapsed into hysterical laughing.

Jack giggled as Rose and the Doctor put their arm around each other's shoulders.

"So, much more interesting than Hunger Games?" the Doctor said to Rose.

"Yeah, it was. I loved it," Rose said.

"See that suit, Yan. It goes with that helmet over there," Jack said, pointing to the Doctor and then to the helmet. "See, I asked the Doctor if I could borrow it but he's being mean and won't let me."

"Mainly because I'm afraid what substances might end up on it when you hand it back to me in the morning," the Doctor said.

"And that's an anal probe," Jack said, pointing to the coffee table. "But he won't let me use it either. I thought the probe part might fit snugly inside…"

"Okay, I think that's quite enough for me," the Doctor said while Rose laughed. "I will get back to the console room while you lot have fun."

He gathered up his things and was about to get the helmet when Rose grabbed it for him.

"I'll help ya," Rose said.

The Doctor nodded and they told Jack and Ianto they'd see them later as they walked out the door.

"Would you be upset if I did become a junkie and turned into roses?" Rose asked as they walked.

"Nah, I'd uproot ya and place you in the TARDIS. The TARDIS would take care of you for centuries and we'd be together," the Doctor said.

"As a rose, you'd want me to be a rose for centuries," Rose said to him.

"Yes, because then I could gather ya and put ya in a nice floral arrangement and you'd do more than just sit around reading Hunger Games all day."

"I'd also put a thorn in your bum," Rose said.

"You do and I'll anal probe ya," the Doctor said, holding the probe up.

He laughed when Rose tried to put the helmet down over his head and she gave chase as they ran back to the laboratory.


	41. Chapter 41

Chapter Forty One

Ianto lay on the bed that he and Jack shared on the TARDIS. Jack was off doing something so he took off his shoes and decided to take a short nap. He was wearing a navy blue t-shirt, khaki shoes and white socks. He lay on top of the tan blanket snoring softly. He frowned in his sleep when he felt someone pinching the big toe on his left foot. He stirred and opened his eyes. Jack was at the foot of the bed pinching his toe. He let up when Ianto noticed him and gave him a wide grin.

"Wake up, Ianto, I need help," he said.

"Help with what?" Ianto said.

"Teasing Rose."

"Isn't that a bit ill advised?" Ianto said.

"Nah. Rose is like a sister to me. And brothers and sisters always tease each other. So will you help me?"

Ianto shrugged. He got up and slipped into his Nikes. He looked over his shoulder when Jack grabbed the blanket, snatched it off the bed and folded it.

"Come on, she's in the living room," he said to Ianto.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

"This is weird," Rose said while she watched an alien TV program.

It was a cooking show and Rose watched with disgust while a woman with a purple squid head gutted puppies for a stew. Rose made a face when she pulled the intestines out of one and put it in a big metal pot on her stove.

"And now we boil the intestines of the Bichone for approximately twenty minutes," she said as she stirred the water in her pot.

Rose gasped when suddenly a big blanket was thrown over her head. Jack quickly ran around the sofa, plopped down beside her and grabbed her in a big bear hug so she couldn't get the blanket off.

"Oh no, a blob monster is devouring Rose and only I can save her!" Jack yelled.

"Piss off, Jack!" Rose said as she tried to get the blanket off her.

"I'm sorry, what was that? Couldn't hear you through all the slime of the blob monster," Jack said.

"Clear off!" Rose yelled.

Jack snatched the blanket off her and he and Ianto ran out of the room while Rose yelled at him to keep running. She glared at the doorway for a moment before she turned her attention back to the cooking show. She glanced at Ianto when he came into the room.

"Hey, Ianto," Rose said. "Jack is really annoying sometimes, you know? Sometimes I don't know how you put up with…"

She trailed off when Ianto went around the sofa, stopped directly behind her and put his index finger on top of her head. Rose frowned when he kept the finger there and said nothing.

"What are you doing?" Rose finally said after a moment's silence.

She gasped when Ianto smacked her head with the same hand before running out of the room.

"Oh bugger, now he has Ianto doing his dirty work!" she said, rubbing the top her head.

She relaxed and tried to watch the end of the show. It was nearly the end of the show when Jack and Ianto suddenly rushed into the room. Jack jumped in front of the TV screen, spun around and began to wiggle his butt while Ianto stood nearby. Rose gave him a jaundiced look when he began to sing loudly and off-key.

"OH, I'VE HAD ROSE, HAD YAN AND GWEN. NEVER MIND THE WHERE AND WHEN. SOON I'LL HAVE THE DOCTOR TOO. HE'LL SUBMIT AND I'LL PORK HIM BLUE!"

"Piss off!" Rose said trying not to laugh when Jack wiggled his butt while Ianto slapped it repeatedly.

"ROSIE TYLER WAS GOOD IN BED. I MADE HER BEG AND GIVE ME HEAD! SHE WAS MY LITTLE TEDDY BEAR AND I GOT TO WEAR HER UNDERWEAR!" Jack sang.

"Right! Dream on, ya wanker!" Rose said, grinning.

"Come on, Yan, slap harder. Rose isn't titillated yet!" Jack said to Ianto as he continued to slap his butt.

"Poor Ianto. Pulled into this by Jack because the git was too much of a chicken to do it himself," Rose said.

"Ianto is my helpmate in all things," Jack said, looking over his shoulder at her as Ianto stopped hitting his butt and stepped back. "By the way, this cooking show sucks…just like you!"

"At least I don't shag everything in sight!" Rose said.

"No, you just shag aliens," Ianto said.

"Ooo-hoo!" Jack said, loving the shocked look on Rose's face. "Ianto has entered the fray!"

"Yeah, well…at least I'm not a glorified tea boy!" Rose teased.

"No, you're a glorified alien concubine!" Ianto teased back.

"Whoa! Nice comeback, go Ianto!" Jack said gleefully. "Get her, my attack dog!"

"At least my alien doesn't need to go shag other aliens in between shagging me," Rose said.

"It's a little hard for him to shag others when his dick is microscopic," Ianto said. "The only place it'll fit is in your microscopic vagina!"

"Is that so?" Rose said while Jack bent over laughing. "Well…"

Rose trailed off and shut her mouth.

"Well, what?" Jack said after thirty seconds of silence.

"Give me a minute, I'm thinking of something good to say!" Rose said.

"She needs time for her pea sized brain to warm up," Jack said to Ianto.

"No, that's you. You're the one that has the pea sized brain and the reason you have a pea sized brain is all the brainpower went into your wedding tackle," Rose said.

"Oh so that's why you were sucking it all night long," Jack said, "you were trying to raise your IQ, Bleach Blondie!"

"I…"

Rose was about to say something when the Doctor came into the room. He paused and stared at his companions.

"Hi," the Doctor said. "Don't mind me. Just want to rest for awhile. Carry on with what you were doing."

Jack, Rose and Ianto glanced at each other while the Doctor settled into the chair beside the sofa with a sigh of relief and picked up a newspaper from the table beside him. He opened it up and held it up in front of him while he scanned the news.

"He said to carry on with what we were doing," Jack said with a shrug. "Anyway, ROSE TYLER, YOUR TITS ARE LOPSIDED!"

Everyone looked at the Doctor as he slowly lowered the newspaper and gave Jack a shocked look.

"What?" he said.

"You said to carry on with what we were doing," Jack said innocently.

"You were criticizing Rose's breasts before I walked in?" the Doctor said.

"Among other things," Jack said with a shrug.

"Humans," the Doctor muttered as he went back to perusing his newspaper.

"So, what about your tits?" Jack said to Rose, loving the fact that the Doctor was trying to ignore them.

"My tits are none of your business!" Rose said primly.

"Why?" Ianto said. "Did the Doctor tattoo his name on them?"

Jack giggled when the Doctor lowered the newspaper again and looked at Ianto.

"And you're joining in as well?" the Doctor said.

"I was forced to do it," Ianto said.

"Oh right, like I just forced you to say that the Doctor tattoos his name on Rose's tits," Jack said, pointing to Rose's breasts.

"Jealous?" Rose said.

"Of what?" Jack said.

"That your name isn't tattooed on my breasts."

"No, because my name is tattooed on the Doctor's…breasts."

The Doctor lowered the newspaper again while Jack and Rose giggled.

"So now I'm being added to your sexual fantasies?" he said.

"We're teasing each other and…ah!" Rose gasped when Jack lunged at her and began to poke her body.

The Doctor raised his eyebrow while he tried to see what Jack was doing to Rose. He got up from his chair, walked over and leaned in. Rose laughed when Jack froze with his finger on her belly.

"Are you the referee?" Jack asked him.

"Just making sure your fingers don't stray in the wrong direction," the Doctor said.

"Ooo, Doctor's jealous now, Jack," Rose said. "You shouldn't have touched me."

Jack grinned and poked the Doctor in the chest.

"I poked the Oncoming Storm, how's about that for bravery?" Jack said to Rose.

"Yeah? Well, I porked the Oncoming Storm, so ha ha!" Rose retorted.

"Rose, that wounds me deeply," Jack said, leaning back up. "Now I must go and have a manly cry on Ianto's shoulder."

He walked over to Ianto, laid his head on his shoulder and Ianto patted his back while he sobbed loudly. The Doctor glanced at Rose and Rose laughed when he shook his head. Jack made several snorting noises before wailing loudly into Ianto's shoulder.

"There, there, Jack. All will be well," Ianto said.

The Doctor grinned. He put the newspaper down, got up and took his sonic out of his pocket. He walked over to Jack and Jack stopped his pretend crying when the Doctor scanned the back of his head.

"Hmmm," the Doctor said, looking at his readout. "Seems Jack's brain has turned to mush and he's gone off his trolley. Might have guessed. Now I s'pose I'll have to chuck him into the Belagana Home for Weird People for treatment. Shame, he was so useful to me."

Jack gave the Doctor a wry look when he put his sonic back in his pocket and went back to his chair. He waited till the Doctor sat down and then flounced over and sat down on his lap. The Doctor grunted as Rose and Ianto laughed.

"Tell me a story, Uncle Bimbo!" Jack said to the Doctor in a high-pitched voice.

"Once upon a time, there was a big fat arse that sat on the Doctor's lap and broke him. The end," Rose said.

"No one asked you!" Jack yelled at her.

"Jack, get off my lap before I twist your bollocks off your body!" the Doctor said.

Rose laughed when Jack leapt up, ran over and hid behind Ianto. Rose got up and sat on the Doctor's lap.

"There, is this better?" she said.

"No, but you're lighter than Jack is."

"Hear that, Blubber Bum?" Rose said to Jack. "The Doctor has spoken and…"

She shut up and looked at the Doctor when he tried to get up from the chair. She tickled his chin and got up. The Doctor stood up, walked to the sofa, lay down and stretched out.

"Ooo, hogging the sofa now. That's not nice!" Jack said. "And he has no blanket, let's keep him warm siblings!"

The Doctor quickly sat up when his three companions rushed to the sofa and tried to sit on him. They all sat down around him and leaned in close.

"Companion love," Jack said as he put his head on the Doctor's left shoulder.

Rose put her head on the other shoulder and Ianto put his head on Jack's left shoulder. The Doctor looked at all his companions and grinned when he suddenly let out a loud fart. He chuckled when everyone except him jumped up and ran for the door.

"Guess that showed them," the Doctor said. "Now, back to my newspaper."


	42. Chapter 42

Chapter Forty Two

"Finally!" Rose said as she, Jack and Ianto pulled the Doctor inside the TARDIS. "Get him to his bedroom. Whatever those bastards did to him, I hope it wears off."

Ianto closed the door and locked it before he followed the others. They had just narrowly escaped a mad scientist who decided the Doctor would be good to experiment on. He had put several chemicals in the Doctor's system before the others rescued him. Rose ordered the TARDIS to go as they went by the console and the TARDIS started herself up and went into the vortex. The Doctor walked with them but he barely comprehended what was going on.

"Are we getting ice cream now?" he said, looking around in a daze.

"No, Doctor, not right now," Rose said with false cheerfulness while inside she was seething at the fact that the Doctor had been drugged into insensibility.

The Doctor looked intently at Jack while they walked. Jack frowned and turned his head to look at him.

"You look like ice cream," the Doctor said to him. "Can I eat you?"

"Don't even answer that, Harkness," Ianto said from behind when he noticed Jack was considering whether or not to say anything.

Suddenly the Doctor stopped short and Rose and Jack gasped when they nearly stumbled. The Doctor stood there with wide eyes.

"What am I doing?" he said.

"Walking," Jack said.

"Is that so? Why would I do that when I could use my wings?" the Doctor said, looking at his feet.

"Blimey, they really doped him up," Rose said with an angry sigh. "Come on, Doctor, have a lie down now."

"Gunga!" the Doctor said to her.

"What's that mean?" Rose said.

"It means gunga," the Doctor said. "Duh!"

"Like I said, into bed with ya," Rose said as she and Jack pulled on the Doctor's arms to get him to move.

"Hey, you're going to pull my arms off!" the Doctor said angrily.

"Well, move then!" Rose replied angrily.

"I can't. My feet are nailed to the floor!"

"No, they're not, Doctor. Just lift your leg up and you'll see," Rose said.

The Doctor lifted his leg and stared at it in wonder while Jack and Rose held onto his arms. The Doctor put his leg back down and lifted it up again then put his leg back down and lifted it up again.

"Doctor, please move," Rose said, trying to be patient since she knew the Doctor wasn't in his right mind at the moment.

She and Jack gasped when he suddenly zoomed away, yelling at the top of his lungs as he waved his arms around. He reached the end of the corridor and stopped suddenly, staring at the wall in front of him. Rose, Jack and Ianto ran up to him while he stared at the wall and scratched his head. The three companions stopped behind him while he walked to the wall and kept on walking as he tried to walk through it.

"Doctor, this way," Rose said, pointing to the corridor directly to the Doctor's left.

The Doctor turned and jumped back in shock.

"Whoa! When did this get here? It appeared out of nowhere!" he said. "This house is haunted!"

He looked at Rose. Then his eyes slowly drifted down to her breasts and he poked her right one.

"Squishy," he said, poking it again.

"Doctor, stop! Jack, stop that!" she said to Jack when he started giggling.

The Doctor poked her breast again and then put his chin on top of it and held it there while Rose sighed.

"You smell like strawberries," the Doctor said, glancing up at Rose.

"Um…thanks," Rose said.

"I hate strawberries," the Doctor said.

Jack chortled while Rose rolled her eyes and put her hands on the Doctor's cheeks. She lifted his head off her breast. The Doctor leaned forward until he was inches from her face. Then his tongue snaked out and licked her nose.

"Doctor!" Rose said, backing up while Jack giggled.

"I'm hungry. Do you have ice cream?" the Doctor said to her.

"Yes, ice cream is in your bedroom. Go and get some," Rose said.

She gasped when the Doctor zoomed away again.

"ICE CREEEEEEEEEAM!" he howled as he reached the end of the corridor and disappeared around the corner.

Rose let out a curse and ran after him. Ianto looked at Jack who was giggling insanely.

"Shouldn't you follow him?" Ianto asked Jack.

"Um, as soon as I get over the giggles," Jack said.

XOXOXOXOXO

"Doctor?" Rose said as she walked down a corridor. "Doctor, where are you? Show yourself!"

"Gunga!'

Rose had just passed by a door and she heard the Doctor's voice behind her and turned just in time to see the door slam shut. Rose sighed and went back to the door. She expected it to be locked and was surprised when she opened it easily. She peeked inside and saw a simulated beach. It was a bright sunny day, warm and inviting, and the waves splashed onto the crystal white sand. Scattered on the beach were deck chairs and beach umbrellas. Rose stepped inside and looked around but she couldn't see the Doctor anywhere.

"Oh please say you didn't go in the water and drown," Rose muttered as she headed towards the waves.

Rose walked towards a rainbow colored beach umbrella that was on its side. She was almost to it when the Doctor popped up from behind it. Rose noticed he wasn't wearing his shirt, jacket or tie anymore. Then he stepped away from the umbrella and Rose realized he wasn't wearing anything. Rose stopped and watched as the Doctor stomped around in a circle while he sang loudly.

"Oh, I'm in the altogether and there's nothing better! I'm naked as a bird and I made a little turd!"

The Doctor pointed back to the umbrella when he said he made a turd and Rose made a face as she hoped he didn't shit right on his clothes. The Doctor stared at Rose for a moment and then he looked down, took his penis in his hand and looked at Rose again.

"This is mine," he said, pointing to the penis with his free hand.

"Yup," Rose said, praying he wasn't going to start masturbating with it.

"It's detachable. Time Lord penis, you know."

Rose raised her eyebrow wondering for a moment if he was being serious. She watched while the Doctor turned, walked down to the edge of the beach and she turned her head away when he peed in the waves.

"Blimey, you're gonna be so embarrassed when you sober up," Rose muttered to herself.

She turned her head back around and was startled because the Doctor was now in front of her with his hands on his hips.

"You didn't watch me make lemonade," he said to her.

"Um…no, I was being polite," Rose said.

"You're my companion, aren't you? You're supposed to help me whenever possible."

"Help you pee?" Rose said.

"Yes, I need my hands free to…um…do things. You must hold the royal ding dong because that's what I hired you for."

Rose bit her lip trying not to laugh, especially since the Doctor had a stern look on his face.

"I'm sorry, your highness," Rose said. "I should have held the… royal ding dong," she said.

"It is okay, my serf," the Doctor said, patting her on the head. "I forgive thee for thy transgressions. You shall not be put upon the rack and burnt upon the stake."

Rose let a giggle escape and the Doctor raised his eyebrow.

"Dare you mock my majesty, wench?" he said.

Rose took in his nakedness and smirked.

"Sorry, but you're not too regal at the moment, Emperor," she said.

She made a face when the Doctor let out a loud fart. The Doctor looked around in shock.

"What was that?" he said.

"That was you. You broke wind," Rose said.

"Never!" the Doctor said. "The royal bum is free of gaseous emissions!"

Rose giggled again and the Doctor eyed her as he put his hands on his hips.

"I am wrong about this?" he said.

"Yup, you are."

"Poppycock! Speaking of cock, this is mine," the Doctor said, pointing to his penis.

"These are mine!" Rose said, pointing to her breasts.

She sighed when the Doctor poked her right breast.

"Squishy," he said.

"Blimey, I set myself up for that one," Rose muttered.

She gasped when the Doctor started slapping out a rhythm on her breasts and she backed away and covered them.

"Hey! Give me back my bongos!" the Doctor said.

"Doctor! Tell me how to help you get back to normal!" Rose said in exasperation.

The Doctor gave her a blank look for a moment before he put his index finger in his mouth and started moving it around the inside of the mouth in a circular motion.

"What am I saying? He's not in his right mind," Rose said bitterly while the Doctor took his finger out of his mouth and stared at the saliva on it.

"Are you busy at the moment?" the Doctor said as he put his hand down.

"I'm busy trying to figure out how to return you to normal," Rose said.

"Because I noticed I'm naked and I have a penis and I'd like to put it up in your nong nong and use it now. Do you have the necessary equipment to accommodate my manly unit?"

Rose finally couldn't hold back the laughter any longer and she laughed loudly while the Doctor gave her an incensed look.

"Copulation is no laughing matter, Rose! It is a sacred union between two people who want to get it on and get funky! I do not appreciate being laughed at when I'm suggesting getting down and dirty in the sand! The very cheek! Laughing at me when I suggest getting my freak on!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Rose said, gasping for air as she tried to get herself back under control. "I'm sorry I laughed at your suggestion, Doctor."

"No need to be sorry, it was a silly suggestion!" the Doctor said cheerfully. "But all this talking has made me sleepy. I must have a kip so I will talk to you when I wake up."

Rose watched while the Doctor walked back to the beach umbrella, lay down directly on the sand and closed his eyes. Relieved that the Doctor was calming down, she walked over to him, sat down beside him and lovingly stroked his cheek while he fell asleep.

XOXOXOXOXO

(Three hours later…)

The Doctor slowly opened his eyes and frowned. He felt a lack of clothes on his person and sand in his bum. He turned his head to the right and noticed he was on a beach. He turned his head to the left and noticed Rose was sitting beside him, quietly reading a book. He raised his head and his eyes bulged when he saw his naked body splayed out on the sand.

"Um…what is this?" he said.

"Oh thank God," Rose said, lowering the book. "Are you feeling better now?"

"Well, I would like to have clothes on my body but I s'pose I'm okay otherwise," he said, sitting up. "What happened to me? How did I get in here?"

Rose grinned at that when the Doctor gave her a confused look.

"It's a long story, Doctor, and I'm sure you'll want a chair and some clothes before you hear it. So come with me and we'll get you dressed, yeah?"

The Doctor nodded. He took her hand and stood up with Rose. He looked to his left when he stood and noticed his clothes were lying in a heap under the umbrella. He started to grab them but Rose stopped them.

"No, those have…something on them," Rose said, deciding not to mention that the Doctor did shit on his clothes. "Come with me and we'll get you some fresh clothes."

The Doctor followed her as she led him by the hand towards the door.


	43. Chapter 43

Chapter Forty Three

"Oh, Roooose!"

Rose looked up from her book. She was sitting on the sofa in the living room while Jack and Ianto strolled into the room.

"BUH-LONDIE!" Jack said.

"What whatty?" Rose said.

"I have an idea! I was just thinking and I came up with a fabulous idea!"

"You're gonna start wearing a tutu and blue tights with ducks on them," Rose said dryly.

"No. But I like that suggestion; I'll take it into account. No, my little sis, I was thinking since you and me are practically siblings, I thought up a way to irritate the old man at the controls."

"I'm listening…" Rose said, laying down her book.

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

The Doctor stood at his controls while the TARDIS flew through the vortex. He stroked the rim and smiled when he listened to the contented rumbling of his ship.

"DADDY!"

The Doctor jerked his head around when he heard Jack squeal. He turned when Jack, Ianto and Rose ran into the room and zoomed towards his jump seat.

"DADDY, ARE WE GOING SOMEWHERE?" Jack said as the three of them plopped down on the jump seat.

"Daddy?" the Doctor said.

"Yes, Daddy, we wanna go somewhere," Jack said in a little kid voice. "We've been good."

"We wanna go to Disneyland!" Rose said in a little kid voice.

The Doctor gave them an odd look when the three of them chanted DISNEYLAND, DISNEYLAND, DISNEYLAND over and over.

"You wanna go to Disneyland?" the Doctor said.

"Yes, Daddy, we've been good," Ianto said.

"What?" the Doctor said while his companions giggled.

"We wanna go in the vroom vroom to see Mickey Mouse," Jack said.

The Doctor looked at Rose who was giggling while her thumb was stuck in her mouth.

"Have the three of you been hit with some sort of fountain of youth ray?" the Doctor said.

"We wanna go to Disneyland, Daddy! Take us in the vroom vroom to Disneyland!" Jack squealed.

"If you say so," the Doctor said, turning back to the controls.

"Yay, Disneyland!" Rose squealed as she threw her arms up in the air.

The Doctor hid a smile while he set the coordinates for Disneyland.

"Daaadddy, Rose just pinched me," Jack whined.

"Did not!" Rose said.

"Did to! You pinched me!" Jack said.

Rose grinned and swatted the top of his head.

"Daaaaddy! Rose is hitting me!" Jack whined.

"Daaaady!" Ianto said. "I'm hungry. I want juice and biscuits!"

"Yeah, I want a juice box," Jack whined.

"Are you playing family car or something?" the Doctor said, turning to them.

The three of them nodded rapidly and the Doctor snickered.

"Juice box, Daddy?" Rose said in a childlike voice.

"No, you'll wet yourself. You'll have juice when we get there," the Doctor said, wagging his finger at her.

"No! Want juuuuice!" Rose howled.

"Are we there yet?" Ianto whined.

"Yeah, are we there yet?" Jack parroted.

The three of them glanced at each other and grinned.

"ARE WE THERE YET, ARE WE THERE YET, ARE WE THERE YET?" they chanted.

The Doctor racked his brain trying to remember dialogue used in situations like this. He'd seen this sort of scenario on TV before. He turned and looked stern.

"Do you want me to pull this TARDIS over to the side of the vortex? Because if I have to do that, you'll be sorry," he said.

"I gotta go poopies," Jack said.

"You shoulda went before we left!" the Doctor said.

"I didn't have to go then!" Jack protested.

"I want juuuuuuice!" Rose said.

"Are we there yet?" Ianto said.

"ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET? ARE WE THERE YET?" they chanted.

"No, we're not there yet! Now shut up before I turn this TARDIS around and go back home."

"Daddy! Jack is poking me!" Rose said when Jack began poking her arm.

"Daddy, Rose is hitting me!" Jack whined when Rose smacked him on the top of the head.

"Are we there yet?" Ianto whined.

"ARE WE THERE YET, ARE WE THERE YET, ARE WE THERE YET?" they chanted.

"Behave or I'll use my belt on your bums!" the Doctor said with mock anger.

"What belt? You never wear a belt," Jack said.

"And none of your cheek! Now behave while I drive the TARDIS."

He pointed at Jack when he stuck his tongue out at the Doctor.

"Don't make me use a belt on your behind, Jack," he said.

Jack giggled at that.

"Okay, going to skip the obvious sexual innuendo to that one and go right into…LET'S PLAY A GAME!" he said to Rose and Ianto. "Let's play I spy. Okay, I go first. Um…I spy with my little eye…something beginning with D."

Rose gave him a withering look.

"Gee, what could it be?" she said dryly. "Could it be….Doctor?"

"Nope," Jack said.

"Oh, come off it, it's the Doctor," Rose said.

"The Doctor isn't the only thing in here that starts with the letter D," Jack said.

Rose looked around the room while Jack and Ianto watched. She looked towards the front door and brightened.

"Door!" she said, pointing towards it.

"Nope!" Jack said smugly.

"Hmmm," Rose said, looking around.

She pointed to the bicycle pump on the TARDIS console.

"Doodah?" she said.

"Nope!" Jack said, shaking his head.

"Blast, what could it be? Um…hmmm…bollocks, I give up. What is it?"

Jack pointed at her.

"Me? My name doesn't start with D," Rose said.

"It doesn't? I coulda sworn Douchebag was a D word."

The Doctor giggled when Rose smacked him repeatedly on the head and Jack ran around the console.

"Daddy, Rose is trying to kill me," Jack said to the Doctor.

"Well, you must learn to be polite and stop calling her names."

"No, that's boring! I like calling her names! Let's have a sing song though!"

Jack stared at the Doctor when he suddenly burst into song and started singing something in Italian in a high-pitched voice.

"What are you doing?" Jack said.

"You said to have a sing song, I'm singing an aria from The Marriage of Figaro. Everybody, sing with me!"

He grunted when Rose ran into him and hugged him from behind.

"Daddy, want juuuuice!" she said as she squeezed him.

"I told you, it makes you wet yourself. No juice until Disneyland," the Doctor said.

"Whaaaa! Daddy's being mean!" Rose said, stomping back to the jump seat.

"Blimey, you lot must be really bored today!" the Doctor said, shaking his head.

"Nah, we just enjoy our little pranks," Jack said. "I had a thought that you do act like the dad, driving us all over the place and so we're your little kids!"

The Doctor chuckled.

"That's what I love about you lot, your imagination," he said fondly.

"So…can I have a juice box now?" Rose said.

"Yes, go to the kitchen and get a juice box for yourself," the Doctor said.

"Yay!" Rose squealed as she leapt up and ran out of the room.

"Hey! Wait for me, I want one toooooo!" Jack squealed as he followed her.

The Doctor turned and looked at Ianto who was sitting on the jump seat.

"Want a juice box as well?" he said to him.

"No, I gotta go poopies!" Ianto said.

"Go use the toilet then," the Doctor said, pointing to the back door.

"Okay, see ya later then!" Ianto said, hopping up and strolling towards the back door.

The Doctor watched him go and with a chuckle turned his attention back to the console.


	44. Chapter 44

Chapter Forty Four

"Bugger!"

Rose let out an angry sigh while she tried to pull a knot out of her thread. Her mother had given her a cross stitch kit, claiming she needed something to do when they had down time. She decided to give it a try and opened the kit up. It contained a small piece of canvas, needle and thread and a pattern of a dolphin jumping out of the ocean. She read through the directions and was trying to teach herself how to do it but she kept pulling the thread unevenly through the hole and kept getting knots in the thread that caused her to stop and undo her work.

While she was working, the Doctor passed by the living room door. He heard Rose curse, backed up and leaned back to see inside the living room. He took in the fact that she was doing needlework before walking on.

"Blimey, I never had much patience for this stuff. This won't relax me, it'll drive me bonkers," Rose muttered to herself as he laid the canvas aside.

She let herself take a break before starting again. She looked over when the Doctor entered the room carrying a canvas tote bag in his hand. He walked over to the chair beside the sofa and smiled warmly at Rose when he sat down. Rose watched, shocked, when he pulled out a large bundle of mauve yarn, a pattern, two knitting needles and something he was working on.

"What?" Rose said as the Doctor inserted the knitting needles in the stitches he left unfinished, put the pattern in his lap and began to knit. "You knit stuff?"

"Yes," the Doctor said, pausing to look at her. "I noticed you were doing some needlework so I decided to join you for a bit of relaxation."

"What are you making?"

"A jumper. I make jumpers for no one in particular, it just relaxes me."

"Okay. How long have you been able to do this?"

"Oh….blimey, since my fourth body. I made myself a scarf. Course I went a little bonkers and made it super long but I had fun knitting it. And you, how long have you been doing needlework?"

"About an hour," Rose said, picking up the canvas and looking at with disgust. "Mum gave it to me. Told me it'd relax me but it hasn't done anything but frustrate me."

"You must remain calm and take your time, Rose," the Doctor said.

Rose watched while the Doctor resumed his knitting. While he was doing that, Jack came in the room, stopped and watched the Doctor.

"Dear God, the man really can do everything," he said, walking over to him. "Whatcha making?"

"A jumper."

"For me?"

"No."

"Why not?" Jack said while Rose giggled.

"Because I don't know your size and I don't wanna know because the second I ask, you'll strip."

"Oh yeah? Well, we'll see who's the more craftier one around here then!"

The Doctor paused in his knitting as Jack stomped out the door.

"Rose, did I just issue a challenge to Jack and not know it?" he asked her.

"Jack hears what he wants to hear, Doctor," Rose said, picking up the canvas for another try.

"I agree with that," the Doctor said, resuming his knitting.

He paused five minutes later when Rose cursed again. He put his knitting down and transferred to the sofa.

"Tell me what frustrates you," he said, sitting down beside her.

He began to help Rose with her cross stitching. Once the Doctor showed her what she was doing wrong, she relaxed and her frustrations eased away. The Doctor watched while Rose stitched and Rose smiled and nodded when he gave her hints and tips on how to improve her stitching. While they were doing that, Jack came back into the room holding a huge lump of clay that looked like a misshapen dildo. The Doctor stopped in mid-sentence when Jack slammed the clay down on the coffee table and pointed to it.

"See?" he said. "I can be crafty and creative too!"

Rose laughed when the Doctor stared at the dildoish lump of clay long and hard.

"What is it?" he finally said.

"It's a falcon on a piece of wood. I sculpted it one night."

Rose watched the Doctor while he tried really, really hard to see a falcon on a piece of wood and not a misshapen dildo.

"Well?" Jack said when the Doctor kept on staring.

"Um…well, it really doesn't look like a falcon on a piece of wood, Jack," the Doctor said.

"I won first place when I was twelve at the Boeshane Art Bazaar!"

"And…you brought this on board the TARDIS now?" the Doctor said while Rose laughed.

"I'm very proud of it," Jack said.

The Doctor got up and beckoned to Rose and Jack to follow him. He walked out of the living room and down several corridors until he stopped beside a wooden door. They went inside and he turned on the light. Rose's eyes bugged out when she saw a gargantuan white marble statue of herself. She was naked and lying on a bed with only a sheet covering her private parts. Her head was turned towards them and one hand was on the side of her head while the other was down in her genitals. She had a come hither look on her face.

"I sculpted this when I studied under the great Morgo Borsini, the greatest sculpture of the thirty second century. This was my finished piece and Morgo had to approve it."

Jack stared at the statue in awe. It was at least twenty foot tall and thirty foot wide. "Rose" was perfect in every detail.

"You just have to show everyone up, don't ya?" Jack said to the Doctor.

"I'm merely pointing out that your sculpturing skills need a bit of improvement. Perhaps I can take you to see Borsini. Although he's a bit of a taskmaster."

"Why did you sculpt me?" Rose said.

"Why wouldn't I sculpt you? You don't like it? I tried to be tasteful with the sheet and all," the Doctor said.

He frowned when Rose walked over to the wall and whispered something to the TARDIS. There was a flash and Jack and the Doctor staggered back when a forty foot tall statue of the Doctor appeared beside Rose. It was the Doctor, completely naked and erect with water shooting out of his penis and his mouth into a circular pool below. The statue was on a marble base in the middle of the pool and the Doctor had one arm pointed to the sky. They could see sculpted armpit hair in his armpit that looked like a small tribble had invaded.

"There, I sculpted that to go with your sculpture of me. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going back to my cross stitch," Rose said. "Goodbye."

They watched while she opened the door, walked out and slammed it.

"Say, can I ask the TARDIS to sculpt one of us in bed together?" Jack asked eagerly.

He cleared his throat when the Doctor glared at him.

"Just askin'," he said, heading towards the door.

He looked back over his shoulder and noticed the Doctor was studying Rose's sculpture. He heard him say something softly to the TARDIS and suddenly red lettering appeared on the chest of the sculpture. Jack raised his eyebrow when he read…

I AM A BUFF PIECE OF MANMEAT!"

"There! I improved it. Shall we?" the Doctor said, walking towards Jack.

Jack seriously wondered if he should bring Rose back to see what the Doctor had done before deciding that the Doctor probably had the TARDIS hide the room as soon as they left. Mentally shrugging, he followed the Doctor out of the room.


	45. Chapter 45

Chapter Forty Five

The Doctor opened the door of his library and looked inside. His library was vast but carved out in the middle of it was his swimming pool. He had an Olympic sized swimming pool with a diving board and high dive at the deep end. He had a deck made of a non-slip alien material that resembled ceramic tiles. The tiles were designed to prevent people from slipping after coming out of the pool. He had several deck chairs and tables and at the corner of the shallow end was a large cabinet containing pool toys. He walked over to it, selected a yellow rubber raft and used a small automatic air pump beside the cabinet to blow it up. Once it was ready, the Doctor walked over to a deck chair and set it down. He was wearing a navy blue bathrobe and he untied the belt around it and slipped it off. He was wearing black swim trunks with stormtrooper heads all over them. He picked up the raft, stepped into the shallow end and went down the underwater steps to the floor of the pool. He climbed on board the raft, stretched out, relaxed and closed his eyes, smiling as he slowly drifted over the surface.

XOXOXOXOX

"Doctor?"

Rose walked into the console room and looked around.

"Doctor?" she said, walking to the console.

She walked around it and looked under it but there was no sign of him.

"TARDIS, can you take me to the Doctor?" she finally said.

The TARDIS moved the library to the back door and Rose stepped through it. She froze when she saw the Doctor in the swimming pool. His eyes were closed and he was unaware of her presence. Rose grinned and slowly tiptoed over. She stood at the edge of the pool, trying not to laugh at his stormtrooper swim trunks. She observed him for a moment before she hurried back out the door.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

The Doctor swished his hand lazily in the water while he kept his eyes close and drifted around the pool. He loved getting on his raft and drifting, it was peaceful and relaxing. A half smile was on his face while he flicked water off his damp hand and put it back on his chest. He sighed deeply and was just about to go to sleep when suddenly he felt the raft being pushed up. His eyes snapped open and he flailed his arms about seconds before the raft turned over and he went into the water. As he went under the water, he saw a pair of shapely legs near him and he knew instantly who was responsible. He resurfaced and sputtered, glaring at Rose while she giggled.

"Sorry, I was looking for ya and I saw you on the raft and I couldn't resist," she said.

She squealed when the Doctor used his arm to make a mini tsunami that got her upper body wet. While she ran back towards the underwater stairs, he admired her body. She was wearing a lavender two piece bathing suit and he thought she looked sexy.

Rose climbed the steps and got out of the water while the Doctor swam over to his raft. She looked through his pool toys and found a small rubber duck that was dressed like a pirate. She selected it and walked back to the pool.

She stepped in and when she was halfway in the water she sat down on the top step and floated the rubbed duck in front of her.

"Hey, what are you doing with Pegleg McQuackers?"

Rose looked at the Doctor.

"Pegleg McQuackers?" she said

"Yes. He's the most vicious duck pirate that ever sailed the seven seas!"

"Doctor, sometimes your thought processes scare me," she said.

The Doctor walked over to her and flicked the rubber duck so it floated along.

"Arrr, I be Pegleg McQuackers, the scourge of the seven seas!" he said as he kept flicking the duck's tail. "Fear me!"

Rose giggled.

"You're barking mad but you're cute so I'll forgive ya!" Rose said while the Doctor put the duck up on the raft.

She squealed when the Doctor dived below the water and swam underwater towards her. Rose squealed again and tried to run away from him but the water resistance slowed her down and the Doctor took hold of her legs and stopped her.

"Don't you trip…"

She gasped when the Doctor pulled her under the water. She sputtered out water as she stood back up. She slapped the Doctor's wet back when he stood up alongside her.

"You're a git sometimes," she said.

The Doctor climbed out of the pool and walked over to the cabinet. Rose watched while he picked up a strange device. Rose had noticed it when she took the duck. It was a clear plastic tube with two nasal cannula similar to the kind used for oxygen tubes. The tube stretched out on either side and there was a small plastic box near the right end of it. The Doctor walked back into the pool and Rose frowned when he inserted the cannula into her nose and wrapped the tube around her face. He snapped the two pieces of tube together at the back of her head and pushed a tiny button on the box. Rose felt oxygen flowing into her nose and she breathed in the fresh oxygen while the Doctor came back around to face her.

"This will allow you to breathe underwater for long periods of time. Come and swim with me," he said.

"What about you? You didn't put one on."

"Respiratory bypass system," the Doctor said, pointing to his face. "Come on."

The Doctor went below the surface of the water and beckoned to her. Rose did the same and breathed through her nose while she looked around. The Doctor swam off towards the deep end and Rose followed him. While they swam, Rose admired his body, so thin yet she could see the muscle definition. They reached the deep end and Rose stopped and floated face down while she watched the Doctor swimming around beneath her. He looked up at her while he swam in a circle and gave her a cheesy grin. Rose looked at his face and wished to God she had a respiratory bypass system.

Suddenly there was an enormous splash in front of her and Rose nearly opened her mouth in shock when Jack jumped in. He sank towards the bottom, waved at the Doctor and waved at her on the way back up. Rose waved back and watched as Jack swam towards her. He made a thumb's up and jerked it upwards. Rose brought her head above water and Jack came up beside her.

"Hello, doll, you look like a drowning victim so I thought I'd play the heroic rescuer. "

The Doctor surfaced right beside him.

"You know, we were enjoying ourselves before you made a big splash, Shamu," the Doctor said to him.

"Ooo, you'll pay for that!"

The Doctor jerked his head back when Jack flicked water into his eyes.

"Oh yeah?" the Doctor said, flicking water back.

Rose rolled her eyes when the two of them began splashing water in each other's faces. She went under and swam away from them. She headed towards the steps but the Doctor swam up beside her. When she reached the shallow end, she stood up and the Doctor did the same.

"Chicken!" Jack yelled as he treaded water in the deep end. "Come back here, old man, and finish what you started!"

"Me? You're the one who threw water in my face!"

"Well, you're the one who…swam away!" Jack said, not knowing what else to say. "Get back here and be a man, you…alien!"

"Ooo, that wounded me deeply, Shamu. I'll never recover from that one!" the Doctor said.

Jack flipped him off. The Doctor smirked and watched him while he kissed Rose's cheek.

"Ooo, it's war, Grandpa! Get back here and battle me!"

The Doctor turned to Rose.

"Fair one, I shall go bravely into battle and die for thee," he said while Rose giggled.

He kissed Rose's hand and walked over to his raft.

"Be prepared, Jack and Jill, because you're gonna die!" he said as he snatched his raft and pulled it to him.

"Ooo, that wounds me deeply," Jack said mockingly. "And what are you doing? I'm not using a raft, ya big sissy!"

"I have my steed with me now!" the Doctor said. "Rose, my dearest one, take care of Pegleg McQuackers for me while I kick his lilly white bum into the books."

"Pegleg McQuackers? You give your rubber duck sissy names?" Jack said as the Doctor handed Pegleg to Rose.

He climbed on board his raft and Rose walked up to him.

"Be careful, my brave knight, come back to me in one piece," she said melodramatically.

"Have no fear, fair maiden, I shall return to thee alive. Jack, on the other hand…"

"You can't kill me, I won't stay dead!" Jack mocked him as he used his arms to paddle towards him.

"If anyone can figure out a way to kill ya, it's me!" the Doctor yelled at him.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah Geritol Junkie! Watch this!" Jack said.

He dipped under the water, swam under the raft and used his legs to propel himself off. The Doctor gasped and grasped the raft as Jack turned it over.

"So much for your brilliant idea, Wrinkles!" Jack said as the Doctor resurfaced a few feet away from him.

The Doctor stood up while Jack grabbed the raft and flung it back towards Rose. Rose laughed when the two men swished water onto each other while they shouted curses at each other. Rose retrieved the raft and carried it while she walked towards the Doctor. Jack saw her and began flinging water her way.

"That's it, come my faithful companion, help me!"

The Doctor grunted when Jack flung water in his eyes.

"No help!" Jack said.

The Doctor lay back on his back and kicked furiously at Jack. Jack ran away to avoid the sprays of water the Doctor was churning up. Rose reached the Doctor's side and gave him the raft.

"Thank you, most faithful companion," the Doctor said, climbing up onto it.

His eyes bulged when Rose pinched his butt as he was getting on.

"Oi, no touchie!" the Doctor said, pointing to his ass as he lay prone on the raft.

The Doctor glared at Rose when she repeatedly pinched his butt.

"Me too! I wanna pinch!" Jack yelled as he ran towards them.

"Don't you dare!" the Doctor said, sliding off his raft.

Rose got on it with Pegleg, watching while the Doctor grabbed Jack's head and tried to dunk him.

"You'll never dunk me, Wrinkles, I'll never submit," Jack yelled as the Doctor slowly forced his head towards the water.

Rose watched them for a moment and then slid off the raft, leaving Pegleg behind. She slipped under the water and swam towards the Doctor.

"Rose is mine, got that?" the Doctor said when Jack's head was inches from the water. "If you try to romance her, I'll…"

His eyes bulged and Jack jerked his head up when he let go of it. He laughed hysterically when he realized Rose had swum up to him and jerked his swim trunks down around his ankles.

"You traitor!" the Doctor yelled at Rose as he stood and pulled his trunks back up. "Don't you dare! "he added when Jack started to dunk his head under the water for a look at the goods. "Fine, I am taking Pegleg and going now!"

"Chicken! Wimp! Grandpa!" Jack yelled as the Doctor grabbed the raft and pulled it towards the stairs. "I guess that means I get Rose then!"

Rose resurfaced and came towards the Doctor.

"Doctor, I'm sorry, I went momentarily insane when I did that, will you forgive me?" she said when she reached his side.

"Kiss my cheek?"

Rose kissed the Doctor's cheek.

"All is forgiven. Come, my companion, let's get dried off and think of something else to do."

"Wimp!" Jack teased as they walked to the stairs.

The Doctor got halfway up the stairs, paused and let out a loud fart.

"I believe that says it all, Harkness," the Doctor said. "Come, Rose, let us have lunch now."

"Just keep your bum away from me while we do it," Rose said as they stepped out of the pool.


	46. Chapter 46

Chapter Forty Six

"Oh bloody hell; will the two of you…grow up?" Rose said.

She was sitting beside Ianto in the kitchen watching while the Doctor and Jack took seats across from each other at the dining room table.

It has started innocently enough. The four of them had taken a day off and were sitting in the living room. The Doctor and Jack started swapping stories about their lives and adventures and the topic eventually led to the types of foods they had to eat during their travels. Suddenly, the two of them were having a pissing contest about who ate the most disgusting food and did it like a man. That led them to now where the two of them decided to prove who was the manliest at eating disgusting things.

"So," Jack said as they pulled their chairs up to the table, "what are the rules?"

"One person must tell the TARDIS what food the other one is eating," the Doctor said. "Whatever the person chooses, the other person must eat all of it or lose the contest."

"Suits me fine," Jack said with a shrug. "And you can go first."

"Go first at eating or choosing the challenge?" the Doctor said.

"Choosing the challenge. Bring it on!"

The Doctor smirked at that.

"Very well. TARDIS, I request you give Jack four Doomsday Peppers."

There was a flash and a white plate appeared in front of Jack. On it were four black chili peppers.

"Ooo, interesting choice, old man. But do we get something to drink while we do this?"

"Why? Can't handle eating it without water?" The Doctor said mockingly.

"No, I want something to cleanse the pallet after each challenge."

The Doctor snorted at that but he asked the TARDIS to give Jack a tall glass of water and one of milk. Two glasses appeared behind the plate as requested and Jack nodded. Rose pulled her chair close to the Doctor.

"Since you're going ahead with this stupid challenge, I might as well ask…what are Doomsday peppers?"

"Chili peppers, you can't see that?" the Doctor said, pointing to them.

"I mean, what makes them so gross or dangerous or whatever it is that prompted you to make Jack eat them."

"Doomsday peppers are the hottest known peppers in the universe. One bite feels like a fire raging in your mouth which is why the wimp requested water," the Doctor said, sneering.

"I requested it so I can throw it on you when I win," Jack said.

"Yeah, yeah, get on with it, Chicken Boy," the Doctor said, gesturing to the peppers.

Jack grinned and picked up one of the peppers. He paused with it midway up to his mouth when Ianto pulled up his chair beside Rose.

"Hey, you're on my team," Jack said to him.

Ianto sighed, and pushed the chair over to Jack's side and sat back down.

"Come on, Harkness, eat it!" the Doctor said.

"I'm going to," Jack said testily.

He hesitated a moment and took a big bite out of the pepper. Rose noticed that his eyes started to water almost immediately and he got a stricken look on his face but Jack kept on chewing bravely and acting like it was no big deal. The Doctor sneered at that.

"New rule," he said. "The other party must eat the same thing to prove they can do it."

He picked up another pepper, popped the entire thing in his mouth and calmly chewed it with a smile on his face. Rose watched him but unlike Jack who was crying tears of pain, the Doctor showed no signs of discomfort. He finished chewing and swallowed.

"Ah, glad I'm not human," he said, picking up a second pepper and popping it in his mouth.

Jack finally couldn't stand it anymore and he grabbed the glass of milk and chugged it. Milk dribbled down his chin and onto his neck but Jack didn't pause to wipe anything off. He finished the whole glass and gasped as he slammed the empty glass down on the table.

"Okay, I'm done," he said, putting the half-eaten pepper back on the plate. "You win."

"So soon? That wasn't much of a challenge," the Doctor said. "How about we keep score? 10 out of 10 and the person that gets the higher score wins."

"On one condition."

"And that one condition is…" the Doctor said.

"We don't eat each other's bodily secretions," Jack said.

"You mean I can't defecate in a bowl and gloat while you eat it?"

"No," Jack said while he sniggered.

"Very well, no fecal matter or anything that will cause disease," the Doctor said. "To be honest, I wasn't keen on drinking your urine. So…continue?"

"Bring it on. Oh, thanks," Jack said when the TARDIS refilled the milk glass.

"Your turn to choose then," the Doctor said.

"Hmmm…okay, how about six Earth slugs?" Jack said to the TARDIS.

A white plate appeared in front of the Doctor with six plump, black slugs on them. Rose made a face when the Doctor popped them in his mouth one right after the other and swallowed them whole. A plate appeared in front of Jack with six more slugs and the Doctor waited while he did the same.

"Rose, you are aware you kiss those lips, right?" Jack said, pointing to the smug grin on the Doctor's face.

"Yes and now I'm gonna have second thoughts before kissing," Rose said.

"Same here," Ianto added while Jack contemplated eating the slugs on his plate. He picked up one and made a face when he felt its wet, squirmy body in his fingers.

"Well? You issued the challenge," the Doctor said. "You forgot I said we both had to eat whatever was chosen? Eat the slug, Harkness."

Jack put it in his mouth and made a face while he swallowed it.

"One down, five more to go," the Doctor said.

"You win," Jack said, pushing the plate away.

"Oho, you mean to tell me you were spouting off a bunch of bullshit earlier?" the Doctor said. "Boasting about all the exotic things you ate but never ate? Your mouth is writing checks your body can't cash, as they say."

"Try me then," Rose said.

The Doctor studied her for a moment.

"You dare challenge me?" he said.

"Bring it on," Rose said.

"Yeah, try Rose," Jack said.

"Very well. A mundinga please, TARDIS."

There was a flash and a white plate appeared by the Doctor. On the plate was a lime colored fruit that resembled a grapefruit. The Doctor gestured to it.

"Bon appetite," he said to her.

"That's it; you want me to eat this?" Rose said.

"All of it. Eat every last bite or I win."

There was another flash and a knife and spoon appeared next to the plate. Rose moved her chair up to the table and used the knife to cut into it. She gasped when she pulled the knife out of the fruit and saw a paste similar to snot on it.

"What is this?" Rose said, making a face.

"The pulp is very gooey and resembles phlegm and it has a horrible smell and taste. They feed this stuff to prisoners on Klaturn because the general public can't stand to eat it. Have fun!"

"And let me guess, you were a prisoner on Klaturn and this is what you ate."

The Doctor smirked and winked at her. Rose cut a wedge out and made a face when the pulp dripped onto the plate. Then the smell hit her nose and she recoiled.

"Oh God, it smells like rotten eggs," Rose said while the Doctor shook with silent laughter. "You ate this thing?"

"I sure did. Now…put your money where your mouth is, Tyler," he said, pointing to the gooey pulp.

He watched gleefully while Rose used the spoon to scoop up some of the pulp. She pinched her nose shut to keep out the horrid smell while she raised the spoon to her mouth. She paused with the spoon a few inches from her mouth.

"Go on, Ms. Mouthy, eat it," the Doctor said.

She put the spoon in her mouth and ate the pulp. The spoon clattered to the floor and the Doctor giggled insanely when she put her hand over her mouth, leap up, ran over to the sink and spit out the pulp.

"That is disgusting! You ate that?" Rose said while she reached up into the cabinet for a glass.

"Every day for two years," the Doctor said smugly.

He snickered when Rose filed the glass with water and chugged it down.

"And now for Ianto," the Doctor said, turning his head towards him.

"Nope, not gonna do it. I'm not that stupid," Ianto said.

"So I win as usual," the Doctor said with supreme smugness. "Well…better go up and check the console. Have a wonderful day!"

He got up, put his hands in his pockets and whistled as he walked out of the room.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"Rose?"

Rose looked at the Doctor when he walked into the living room. She was sitting on the sofa watching TV. She gave him a wary look when she noticed he had his hands behind his back.

"Yeah?" she said.

The Doctor brought his hands around his body and Rose saw a plate with a steak and baked potato on it and a glass of milk.

"To make up for having to eat the mundinga earlier," he said.

Rose began to salivate when the smells of cooked meat and baked potato hit her nostrils. She breathed it in, looking at the butter, sour cream and chives slathered on the potato. She took the fork and knife that were lying on the plate and prepared to eat. Then she had a thought and gave him another wary look.

"Steak isn't filled with maggots, is it?" she said.

"No, no ,no ,no, I wouldn't do that. You're right, today was a bit childish."

Rose chuckled.

"Yeah, but it was totally worth it to see Jack's eyes water when he tried to eat the Doomsday Pepper."

The Doctor chuckled.

"Yeah. That'll teach him to run his gob in future. Anyway, bon appetite. Enjoy your steak."

"Stay!" Rose said, grabbing his hand when he started to walk away. "Hang out with me while I eat."

"Okey-dokey," the Doctor said.

Rose smiled when he laid his hand on her head before he walked around the coffee table and sat down beside her.


	47. Chapter 47

Chapter Forty Seven

"Blondie!" Jack called as he came through the living room door.

"Call me! Call me on the line, call me, call me anytime," Rose sang as she kept her eyes on the book she was reading.

"I'm sorry?" Jack said, walking over to her.

"You keep calling me Blondie, so I thought I'd start singing one of their songs," Rose said, looking up at him.

"Heh, funny," Jack said. "Anyway, come to the console room. His Lord High Bubble Butt wants us to assemble."

He gave her a cheesy grin when Rose cocked her eyebrow.

"Is that what we're calling him now?" she said.

"It's either that or Captain Flappy Lips."

"Yeah, anyway, why does the Doctor want us in the console room?"

"He has received a message and wants us to hear it."

Rose sighed, put down her book and followed Jack out of the room.

"Come along, my faithful companion," Jack said as he strode down the corridor. "You know you're really my companion after all."

"Yeah, keep dreaming, Jack."

They entered the console room. The Doctor was standing with his back to the console, leaning against it while he held a glowing cube in his hands. Ianto was across from him sitting on the jump seat.

"I have received a message," he said.

"How?" Rose said as they walked up to him. "I thought we were in the vortex."

"These cubes are designed to find anyone, anywhere by tracing their energy signature. Many planets used them for long distance messages."

"So, what does the message say?" Rose said.

"I'm Emperor of Poopy."

"I'm sorry?" Rose said, not sure she heard right.

"Emperor of the planet Poopy. I have been made Emperor for a day in gratitude for saving their planet."

"Their planet is called Poopy?" Rose said.

"It doesn't mean that on their planet," the Doctor said when Jack snorted out laughter. "Not all planets use the word poopy to mean feces."

"Fine, fine, but when did you save them? I don't remember going to planet Poopy."

"I saved them in my fifth life."

"And they just got around to making you emperor now?" Rose said.

"Well, it took a while for the message cube to find me. I do move around a lot, you know," the Doctor said with a shrug.

"And are you going to accept this long overdue honor or are you just going to say fuck you as always and fly away," Jack said.

"I don't say fuck you to anyone, Jack," the Doctor said, incensed, while Rose giggled. "When have I ever said fuck you to anyone?"

"I meant it metaphorically," Jack said.

"Forgive him, Doctor, he's not known for his tact," Ianto said.

"Point taken," the Doctor said to him. "And I wasn't going to accept the honor, no."

"Oh come on, do this," Rose said. "They're trying to thank you. Jack's right, quit pretending to be so humble and do this."

"Pretending?" the Doctor said.

"Yes, pretending," Jack said. "Your ego is as big as this TARDIS but yet, you're always saying, oh no, you mustn't thank me, no really, I don't want your praise but you're always on our backs in here saying worship me, worship me!"

Rose laughed when the Doctor shot her an exasperated look.

"Anyway, moving on before I say something I'll regret," the Doctor said. "You're telling me to do this?"

His companions looked at each other and nodded.

"Then you have to do it with me," the Doctor said smugly.

"We weren't invited," Jack said.

"I'm emperor for a day, I can do what I like and I nominate you as my staff."

"Will the people of Poopy agree to that," Ianto said.

"I'm emperor for a day. I will do what I like."

"Yeah, you're right, Jack. The ego is coming out now," Rose said.

XOXOXOXOXOX

After determining when the message was first sent, the Doctor traveled back in time to the day after it was sent. When they stepped outside the TARDIS, they were on the balcony of a grand castle. The castle was made of brown sandstone blocks and was about five stories high. The view from the balcony was the surrounding countryside. There were houses nestled in some of the hills, also made of sandstone blocks with brown tiles for roofing. In front of them was a large arched doorway that led into a room. The room was obscured by red velvet drapes. The Doctor and his companions moved towards the drapes but suddenly a bunch of men wearing velvet uniforms and leather boots ran through the curtain with spears and pointed them directly at the intruder's throats. The Doctor and his friends held up their hands.

"We're unarmed. I'm the Doctor. I came to answer the invitation to be emperor for a day," the Doctor said. "Don't run your honorary emperor through please!"

The guards looked unsure. They backed up slightly but still kept their spears aimed at the intruders.

"The Doctor was blonde, I saw him," one guard said.

"Yes, well, I regenerate and that was five lives back. I just now got your emperor's message," the Doctor said. "Sorry, I'm late and all. May I speak to the emperor?"

"Go get his highness," an old guard said to a younger one.

The young one nodded and ran off the balcony. Ten minutes later the curtains parted and the guards bowed their heads respectfully when a plump man stepped onto the balcony. He was in his late 50's, short brown hair and a handlebar mustache. He had a bulbous nose and plump cheeks. He was dressed in a red jacket, black trousers and boots, a red, velvet, white fur trimmed cape and on his hand was a large pointed crown that had jewels embedded around the base of it.

"Emperor Argento," the Doctor said, bowing.

Argento stared at him then he looked at the TARDIS and looked back at the Doctor.

"You were blonde," he said.

The Doctor sighed and explained what happened. Argento looked even more perplexed.

"You regenerated between yesterday and today?" he said.

The Doctor explained even more and Argento shook his head. He ordered the guards to lower their weapons and he walked over and took his hand while they did that.

"I'm not sure I fully understand but if you are the Doctor, the offer still stands. You shall take my place for a day and be ruler over my people."

"Fine but perhaps my friends can help me out? Do you have positions for them as well?" the Doctor said, gesturing to his companions.

Argento studied them.

"What positions do you have in mind?" he said.

"Um…" the Doctor said, looking at his friends.

"Daddy!" Jack said, spreading his arms out for a hug.

"No, you are not my son," the Doctor said.

Jack blew him a raspberry while Rose giggled. The Doctor looked at Rose and put his index finger on the top of her head.

"My consort, the queen!" he said to Argento.

"Um…well, we haven't had a queen in centuries but perhaps we can find an old outfit for her to use," Argento said. "And them?" he said, pointing to the men.

"Ianto…can be my advisor. And Jack…"

"Daddy!" Jack said, spreading his arms wide.

The Doctor stared at him for a moment and then spun around.

"Jack can be my court jester," he said.

"How dare you do that to your own son?" Jack said while Rose sniggered. "I was next in line, Daddy!"

"Anyway…" the Doctor said while his three companions giggled. "Ignore him, those are my requests."

"That is sufficient, Doctor. Now if you'll follow me, we will give you your outfits and then you can begin your twenty four hour reign!"


	48. Chapter 48

Chapter Forty Eight

"Oh, hell no!"

Rose grunted when one of the royal attendants put the crown on her head. They'd managed to find it from somewhere since it and everything else had two inches of dust on it. There was a long purple dress trimmed in gold with a matching cape that was trimmed with spotted white fur, purple slippers and a small gold scepter that had a gold globe on top of it. Those things were fine. The crown was the problem. The pointed solid gold crown had a humongous diamond in the center of the points. The diamond weighed about thirty five pounds and when the attendant put it on Rose's head; she thought her neck would be compressed.

"This weights a ton. How the hell did the queen wear this all day?" Rose said, wincing at the headache it was giving her.

"She had a strong neck, I'm told," the attendant said.

"Apparently so," Rose said.

She left the dressing room and smiled when she saw Ianto. He was wearing a purple velvet outfit with a gold tunic. On the tunic was the emblem of Poopy, a serpent curled around a scepter. Ianto stared at the diamond while Rose walked over to him.

"Um…that looks heavy," Ianto said, pointing to it.

"You have no idea," Rose said.

"Holy shit! Look at the size of that thing!"

They turned and saw Jack walking towards them with a male attendant following. He was dressed in a purple and yellow jesters outfit complete with pointed hat.

"When I say look at the size of that thing, I was referring to Ianto's goods," he said to Rose. "Damn, girl. How do you keep your head up wearing that thing?"

"I'm going to put a steel rod in my neck," Rose said dryly while Jack sniggered.

"But…you must come out of there!"

They turned to the right when they heard a male's voice.

"I will not go out looking like this!" they heard the Doctor saying. "I look ridiculous!"

"Ought oh, someone else isn't happy about their outfit," Jack said.

"Sir, please come out of there!" the attendant said.

There was a moment of silence before a sullen Doctor emerged from a doorway. Jack sniggered when he saw him. He was dressed in a gold outfit with a matching gold cape that was trimmed with purple fur. He had on black leather boots that had the emblem of Poopy on both sides of them. But on his head was a teeny tiny crown that was about 3 inches across and four inches high. In his hand he carried a tiny branch. He walked over to Jack and glared at him while he still kept on laughing.

"What's with the mouse crown?" Jack said when he regained his composure.

"They informed me that since I am not the real emperor, I cannot wear anything resembling his crown and scepter so they gave me the mouse crown, as you put it, and this branch."

The Doctor looked at Rose and his eyes bulged when he saw the diamond.

"Would you like to swap?" Rose said. "I'll gladly wear your mouse crown if you wear this."

"On second thought, mouse crown is good," the Doctor said. "So…they told me we must go to the throne room now so follow me, my queen, my advisor and MY FOOL!" he said, giving Jack a pointed look.

"At least I'm not wearing a mouse crown," Jack said before turning around and following him.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

"This is pants!" the Doctor said when he realized he would be in the throne room but instead of sitting on the elegant gold and gem encrusted throne, he would sitting on a wooden stool beside it. Another stool was provided for Rose and the two of them sat side by side on a marble dias while Jack and Ianto stood nearby.

"And this is it?" Rose said, looking around at the elegant throne room. "Nothing else, eh? Just sitting here pretending to be royalty."

"Works for Lizzy, doesn't it?" the Doctor quipped. "But I s'pose if we're here…Jack, entertain my consort and me."

"By doing what?" Jack said.

"I don't know, you're the fool. Think of something," the Doctor said.

Jack looked at Ianto before he walked out in front of the Doctor and Rose. He cleared his throat and began to sashay around the white and black streaked marble floor.

"I've got diarrhea in my pants!" he sang as he danced. "I was too late to use the potted plants. Won't someone come and wipe my butt. How about you, my slut?" he said, pointing to Rose. "Gimme gimme gimme toilet paaaaapeeeeer-ah!"

He stopped and Rose laughed when the Doctor gave him a withering look.

"You said it was my choice on how to entertain you," Jack said, shrugging.

"Advisor! Off with his head?" the Doctor said to Ianto.

"Which head?" Ianto said.

Jack put his hand over his crotch when the Doctor's eyes drifted down there.

"Don't do anything to Jack Jr," Jack said, pointing to the Doctor with his free hand.

"Jack Jr?" the Doctor muttered while Rose giggled.

"Look! I'll do something else!" Jack said.

He danced around in a circle, singing "La, la, la" while everyone watched. He finished up with a "Yeah!" and jazz hands before taking a bow.

"Advisor! Now do we kill him?" the Doctor said to Ianto.

"I advise torture, sire. Perhaps get a rusty knife and dig his eyeballs out?"

"Ianto!" Jack said while Rose laughed. "Thanks a hell of a lot!"

"I'm his advisor," Ianto said with a shrug. "You suck at entertaining so that's my advice to my king."

"Can I use Ianto in my act?" Jack said to the Doctor. "I could kick him in the balls and stomp on them while I sing Maria from West Side Story."

"No," the Doctor said. "Anyway, it's snog time with my consort. So…"

Rose gave him a startled look when she heard that. The Doctor scooted around towards her and leaned in. Jack raised his eyebrow when they began to snog. He smiled and walked over towards Ianto.

"I'm on duty," Ianto said when Jack puckered up his lips.

"Bullshit. Snog me too!" Jack said.

"Sire, permission to snog?" Ianto said to the Doctor.

"Nuh nuh," the Doctor said into Rose's mouth.

"I believe that's a no," Ianto said to Jack.

"No, he said uh-huh, that was a yes," Jack said. "Anyway, like it or not, advisor, prepared to be ravaged."

"Nuh nuh," the Doctor said again into Rose's mouth.

"What the fuck are you saying? Quit spelunking for Rose's tonsils and clarify!" Jack said.

The Doctor sighed and came up for air.

"You are not to touch my advisor," the Doctor said. "Is that clarification enough?"

"No, because Ianto is mine and I can do what I want with him!"

Jack's mouth fell open when a big snort came out of Ianto's mouth.

"Oh yeah? How'd you like my pointy hat up your butt, Jones?" Jack said. "Snort once more and…"

He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned. His eyes bulged when the Doctor grabbed his face and planted his lips on Jack's.

"There, now be quiet!" the Doctor said, walking back to his stool.

"Wait, whoa! Get back here and do that again!" Jack said while Rose laughed. "Come here and give me a royal BJ! Now!"

"Yawn, sleepy," the Doctor said, laying his head on Rose's shoulder and closing his eyes.

Rose grabbed his mouse crown when it slipped off his head. She took off her own crown, breathing a sigh of relief at the loss of weight, put it down on the floor and put the mouse crown on her own head.

"Are you planning insurrection?" the Doctor said, his eyes still closed.

"No, I'm planning a break from this fourteen stone nightmare beside me," Rose said, pointing to the crown.

The Doctor was about to say something more about usurping his power when Argento came into the room.

"Doctor, you and your friends come with me. You must address my people," he said to them.


	49. Chapter 49

Chapter Forty Nine

Argento led them down several flights of stairs and along two corridors before he opened a large steel door. They went directly out onto a balcony that overlooked a large courtyard. When the Doctor walked up to the waist high brick wall and looked over, he saw masses of people staring up at him. He turned to Argento while his friends looked over the wall.

"What am I s'posed to say?" he said to Argento.

"Say whatever you like. Address your subjects," Argento said. "Let me know when you're done by knocking on the door."

"Wait, can I take this crown off?" Rose said, pointing to the crown on her head.

Argento either didn't hear her or wouldn't answer while he turned and walked back out the door. Rose sighed, shook her head and muttered, "Sod it!" while she took the crown off and put it on the stone floor at her feet.

"Um…hello!" the Doctor said to the crowd. "I am the Doctor!"

"Piss off!" a male voice yelled up at him.

"See here, I'm your emperor!" the Doctor yelled back to him.

"The empire sucks! Get rid of it!" the man yelled back.

The Doctor was nonplussed when most of the crowd echoed his sentiment.

"Okay, now what?" the Doctor said to his friends while the crowd booed and jeered him.

"Allow me, dad," Jack said, stepping up to the edge of the balcony. "ATTENTION, EVERYONE!" he yelled.

He waited a moment while the crowd quieted down.

"THANK YOU! I AM JACK HARKNESS AND I'M YOUR GUIDE ON THIS TOTALLY SUPER FREAK OUT CALLED LIFE!" he yelled.

"You suck!" another man yelled up at him.

"YES, I DO SUCK BUT THAT'S BETWEEN ME AND IANTO!"

The Doctor looked at Rose and rolled his eyes while Jack barked out laughter.

"IN ALL SERIOUSNESS!" he yelled to the crowd while they began to boo him. "I BELIEVE THAT EVERYONE SHOULD LOVE ONE ANOTHER SO THAT'S WHAT WE SHOULD DO! LOVE ONE ANOTHER!"

"Jack, are you suggesting an orgy?" Ianto said to him.

Jack ignored him and burst into song, singing Katy Perry's Firework while the crowd booed. Then he gasped and ducked when some one threw a large melon up at the balcony.

"Nice going, very inspiring," the Doctor said dryly while everyone backed up to avoid the fruit that was now whizzing up at them.

The Doctor walked over to the steel door and banged on it while he yelled at Argento to open up. Argento opened the door enough to stick his head through and the Doctor pointed to the angry crowd.

"Explain this!" he said to him.

"Um…well…My reign isn't very popular and I was hoping you could talk to the crowd and get them to go along with me," he said to him.

"By saying what? I don't even know what your policies are," the Doctor said.

"Well…I don't really have any policies per say. I do things off the cuff."

"Well, that's why people are throwing food at your castle then," the Doctor said.

Argento opened the door further when the Doctor threw the mouse crown and the twig down at his feet.

"What's this?" he said, pointing to the crown and twig.

"I am abdicating and going back to civilian life. Crowd's all yours, mate," the Doctor said while Jack took off his jester hat and pitched it off the balcony.

Rose threw down her scepter, kicked her crown over and Argento watched, stunned, as everyone walked off the balcony.

"Wait! Don't go!" Argento said, following them while they threw off their robes and littered the floor with them. "You need to speak to the people."

"Sorry, I don't help people who won't help themselves," the Doctor said, glancing back over his shoulder. "You solve your own problems since you created them."

"Besides, I need something for my stiff neck now," Rose said, rubbing the side of her neck. "When you lot make another crown, leave the 2000 stone diamond off it."

"No, you can't do this! Come back! I'll be ruined!" Argento said while the Doctor and his companions ignored him and headed back to the TARDIS.

Argento stopped. His shoulders slumped and he watched in dismay as the Doctor and his friends walked out of his life and headed back to their home.


	50. Chapter 50

Chapter Fifty

Rose was lying in bed, ill with stomach flu. The Doctor had visited her earlier to see if she wanted to do anything but Rose declined, telling him she was ill and had severe diarrhea. The Doctor told her to get some rest and he brought her a glass of water before leaving her alone. She had a small TV in her room so she watched that with her pillow propped up behind her. She was flipping through the channels with her remote when the door opened and the Doctor came in carrying a small container and a plastic spoon. He put it on her bedside table and pointed to it.

"Eat this yoghurt. The live culture helps regulate your digestion system," he said sternly.

"Ok, cheers," Rose said with a nod.

She turned her attention back to the TV but the Doctor didn't move from his spot. Rose looked up at him with a quizzical look on her face.

"I don't see eating," he said to her.

"I'll eat it," Rose said.

The Doctor patted her on the head and walked out. He closed the door behind him and Rose settled back into her pillow. Then the door opened and the Doctor stuck his head inside.

"Eating yet?" he said.

"Doctor, I don't feel like eating right now. I'll eat the yoghurt. Just go and do what you need to do."

"Fair enough," the Doctor said before closing the door.

Rose glanced at the yoghurt and decided to eat it before the Doctor came back and said something. She opened the container and spooned out some vanilla yoghurt. She glanced over at the door when it opened and the Doctor stuck his head inside.

"Blast, she's eating it. I was all set to give a stern lecture!" he said before he slammed the door.

Rose snickered and put another spoonful of yoghurt into her mouth. Then the door opened again but this time the Doctor stepped inside, closed it and got a wooden chair out of the corner of the room. Rose watched while he put it front of the bedside table, sat down and folded his arms in his lap while he stared blankly at the telly.

"I'm eating," Rose prompted.

"Tell me the honest to God truth," the Doctor said, looking at her. "Are you past praying for?"

Rose gave him an odd look.

"Um, no, I think I'll live," she said dryly.

"Okay, just wanted to know if I should find a priest for last rites or that sort of thing," the Doctor said, turning his attention back to the TV screen.

Rose grinned at that and spooned another bit of yoghurt out of the container.

"You're bored and lonely, ain't ya?" she said before putting the spoon in her mouth.

"I well remember a time when I visited a medieval village in Sussex," the Doctor intoned loudly as he stared at the door. "There was a woman there called Shifty McGee. They called her Shifty because she had shifty eyes. Anyway, there was an outbreak of dysentery in the village when I was present. Dysentery means you have nonstop effluent in your smalls and Shifty certainly had that in spades. In fact after the plague past, she was marked forever more with the epithet Shifty McBrownPants."

Rose was now laughing silently while the Doctor stared at the door. A faint smile, however, gave away that he knew Rose was uncontrollably laughing now.

"Doctor, you're gonna give me brown pants in a moment if you don't stop," Rose said, giving him a playful swat on the arm.

"There was another village in Kent where the black plague ravaged the town," the Doctor intoned, ignoring Rose's silent laughter. "I disguised myself as a plague doctor and made visits to the houses but no one appreciated my juggling because they were too busy dying. I thought I could cheer up the afflicted populace but I s'pose not since eventually they stoned me with my own juggling balls and rode me out of town on a rail. Which is saying something since steam locomotives weren't invented yet."

"You're just bound and determined to make me soil myself, aren't ya?" Rose said.

The Doctor turned in his seat so he was sitting in it sideways and stared at her with a wide-eyed expression.

"Quit that, that's creepy," Rose said when he kept on staring.

Rose blinked in shock when the Doctor kept his eyes wide and said, "Hoooooooo," for about thirty seconds before falling silent again.

"What was that about? Trying to scare me?" Rose said.

"I am not of this world," the Doctor said in a low voice as he stared at Rose with bulging eyes.

"Too right. You live in Barmyville and you're the only resident," Rose said.

"I am the Oncoming Stooooorm," the Doctor howled.

Rose snickered and set her yoghurt down because she was laughing so much she couldn't eat anymore. The Doctor picked it up, peered into the container and gave her a stern look as he pointed to some uneaten yoghurt left at the bottom.

"Go away and I'll eat it then," Rose said.

The Doctor put the container back on the bedside table and began to howl like a coyote.

"I'm gonna soil myself laughing, I just know it," Rose said.

"Domo arigato, Mister Roboto. Domo, domo," the Doctor sang with bulging eyes.

"Rose thought for a moment.

"Fuck you, fuck you very very muuu-a-a-a-uch!" Rose sang back.

The Doctor let out a loud gasp.

"Such language. No wonder you're soiling your smalls. It's punishment from the Christian God for blasphemy."

"Somehow I doubt it. Besides, aren't you God?" Rose said sweetly.

"I thought I was. But you're not on the ground groveling and fawning over me so now I'm not sure."

Rose giggled.

"If I do, I might splurt out the back and cover you in shite," Rose said.

"That would be a smelly way to die," the Doctor said. "Not to mention my future self would be in the bath as soon as I regenerated. Plus, my ginger hair would be smelly and dirty. I don't think I would like that at all."

"You're not getting ginger hair…ever. You're going to die gingerless years from now!"

Rose giggled when the Doctor began to breathe heavily while he feigned anger. Then he let out a howl and beat on his chest like a gorilla.

"Finished?" Rose said sweetly when he fell silent and put his arms down.

"Had to let my rage out lest I grab that spoon over there and shovel out your eye like a cherry for your blasphemous comment."

"Would you eat the eye then?" Rose said, enjoying the teasing and banter.

"No, because you had your finger in it at some point and I might get your dysentery. I don't want to be known as Doctor McBrownPants. No thank you! Who knows where that finger of yours has been? Probably been mining for shite in the arse mine for all I know."

Rose laughed and the Doctor allowed a hint of a smile to flicker on his passive wide-eyed face for a moment. Rose mimed digging at her bottom and held the finger up to the Doctor. The Doctor stood up, reached into his pocket while Rose held the finger out and took out his penknife. He opened it up and Rose laughed when he seized her wrist and mimed sawing the finger off. He folded up the penknife and put it back in his trouser pocket before sitting back down.

"I'm bored," he said.

"No, really? I hadn't realized that," Rose said.

"Is there anything you need?" the Doctor said in all sincerity.

"Actually, making me laugh made me feel tons better," Rose said. "And the yoghurt as well."

"I don't get ill like humans do. I'm never sure what you lot need from me."

"Making me laugh helped," Rose said.

"Yeah?" the Doctor said, tilting his head while he gave her a sideways glance.

"Yeah," Rose said.

The Doctor grinned at that and patted her leg.

"Finish the yoghurt as requested or I'll make you juggle for plague victims," he said, standing up.

"I will," Rose said.

"You will…juggle for plague victims?"

"Finish the yoghurt," Rose said.

"Oh good. I thought for a moment I'd have to get the plague doctor outfit out of the cupboard again. Well, carry on."

Rose settled back in her pillow and watched while the Doctor walked to the door, opened it and went out.

"God, I love that man," she murmured to herself when he shut the door behind her.


	51. Chapter 51

Chapter Fifty One

The Doctor, Jack and Ianto were sitting at the table in the kitchen eating their breakfast. It was early morning and Jack and Ianto rose early to eat. Eventually, the Doctor joined for some eggs and bacon and coffee. While they ate, Rose came into the kitchen and sank down in an empty chair.

"Doctor, I've been traveling with you for faaaaar too long," she said.

"Why's that?" the Doctor said with a mouthful of eggs.

"Because I had the most bizarre dream last night," Rose said.

"And that's my fault?" the Doctor said.

"I've been traveling too long so now my mind jumbles up things from my life and makes alien planets out of them."

"Really?" Jack said. "What was the dream?"

Rose was about to reply when the Doctor held up his hand.

"I have a better idea. We can enter Rose's dream and see it firsthand."

"How do we do that?" Ianto said.

The Doctor beckoned to everyone and they got up from the table and followed him. He led them to a door that had a computer console to the side of it. On top of the console there was a helmet that looked like a motorcycle helmet with wires coming out the back that were attached to the back of the console.

"This is a simulation room. I use it to battle enemies sometimes," the Doctor said. "You put the helmet on and the machine scans your mind and renders your thoughts and memories into realistic 3D simulations. If Rose will put the helmet on, I will ask the computer to scan her mind for the last eight hours and find any dreams she had in that time period. Then we go inside and watch the dream in glorious 3D. That way you won't have to waste breath telling us."

"Is it safe?" Rose said.

"Assuredly. I used it many times and I'm sound as a pound."

Jack snickered when Rose gave him a dubious look. She picked up the helmet and put it on. The Doctor worked the controls and Rose heard a humming inside the helmet.

"Scanning now," the Doctor said as he finished pressing a button.

The scanning lasted for two minutes and then the humming stopped. The Doctor told her to take off the helmet and she took it off and set it down on the console. The Doctor looked at a small screen in the console while he asked the machine to pick out any dreams she had.

"Ah! Got one," the Doctor said. "I'll tell the machine to render the dream in 3D and we go inside and become a silent part of it. Can't change anything though, only watch. Come on."

He opened the door and all of them entered the room. They stepped into Jackie's flat and the Doctor closed the door. Rose was standing by the sofa chatting on the phone.

"I can't go to the cinema, I have to wash mum's toes," Rose was saying into the phone.

Suddenly a clown in a rainbow colored outfit danced through the kitchen door and began to juggle fish behind her while she hollered on the phone and remained oblivious to his presence.

"No, this isn't the dream," Rose said.

"Yeah but what's with the fish juggling clown?" Jack said, pointing to it.

"I don't know but this isn't the dream," Rose said.

"Then we go outside and find another dream. Come on."

The Doctor led them outside and closed the door. He looked at the screen again and found another dream.

"And again…" the Doctor said, opening the door.

They went in and saw Rose standing on a paved road in a desert in front of a small town. The Doctor raised his eyebrow and looked to Rose.

"This is the dream," Rose said.

The Doctor closed the door and the four of them stood near it and watched. Dream Rose was looking around in confusion.

"Doctor? Where are you?" she said.

"Aw, Rose calls for me even in her dreams," the Doctor said.

Dream Rose started walking towards the town. While she did that, Jack frowned.

"Wait, I think I know this town," Jack said.

The Doctor looked at him.

"What town is it?" he asked.

"It's…"

Jack stopped speaking when a big rusty tow truck with a missing bonnet, eyes for windscreen and buck teeth in his grille came out of a scrapyard and sped towards Rose.

"Yup, it's Radiator Springs from the Cars film," Jack said.

"Woo-hoo!" the tow truck said, stopping in front of Rose. "We got us a customer. Say, you're strange lookin'. What kind of car are ya? You one of those fancy-schmancy electric cars?"

"I'm not a car," Dream Rose said.

"Oh? Is you one a'those bi-cycles?"

"No," Dream Rose said. "I'm human and I'm lost and I'm looking for the Doctor."

"Doctor? You need a doctor? We got a doctor here!" the tow truck said. "But we's got to be formal. My name's Mater, like tomater without the ta!"

"I'm Rose," Dream Rose said.

"Well, nice to meet ya proper, Rose. Welcome to Radiator Springs!"

"So, Rose, watch cartoons often?" Jack said to the real Rose.

"I saw it late one night somewhere," Rose said dismissively.

"What is this place?" Dream Rose was saying as she looked around.

"This here is Radiator Springs? You deef?" Mater said.

"No, I mean what planet is this?" Dream Rose said.

Mater gave her a blank look. Just then, another car zoomed around a corner up ahead and sped up to her. The car was a racing car, red with yellow lightning. It screeched to a halt beside Mater.

"Ka-chow!" the car said, shifting its body so the light caught a lightning reflector near its mirror.

The Doctor, Ianto and Jack laughed when Dream Rose gasped and covered her eyes the moment she was blinded by the reflection.

"I'm Lightning McQueen, welcome to Radiator Springs. Gee, you're a funny looking car."

"I think she's one of them fancy hybrid cars," Mater said to Lightning. "She's my girlfriend now. Ain't ya my girlfriend?"

"No, I'm not," Dream Rose said.

"You're not?" Mater said.

"No," Dream Rose said.

"Well, fuck you, you bitch, whore, skank, slut, tramp, ho!" Mater said.

The three men bent over laughing while the real Rose turned crimson.

"Wow, I don't remember that in the Cars movie," Jack said. "Rose must have gotten hold of an adult version of it."

"She said she saw it late at night," Ianto said.

"Oh yeah, she did, didn't she? Must be the porno version of Cars then," Jack said.

The three men giggled when Rose flipped the vees over her shoulder at them. They all shut up when they suddenly heard a massive BOOM, BOOM, BOOM and saw the town shuddering as Dream Rose fought to keep her balance. They turned around and Jack's mouth dropped open when Optimus Prime entered the dream, walking over to Dream Rose and the cars.

"Mixing up your movies,Tyler?" Jack said to Rose.

"I told ya it was weird," Rose said.

Optimus Prime walked up to the small group and looked down at them.

"FELLOW TRANSFORMERS AND HUMAN CHILD. I AM OPTIMUS PRIME! OUR PLANET IS IN DANGER AND YOU MUST HELP ME, BROTHERS IN ARMS!"

"What did you have to eat last night, Rose?" Jack said to Rose.

"And how many recreational drugs did you consume after that?" Ianto added.

"Ooo-eee, you's a big fella," Mater said. "You must be one of those newfangled SUVs!"

"CYBERTRON IS IN DANGER, YOU MUST HELP ME!" Optimus Prime said to Rose. "WILL YOU HELP ME?"

"No," Dream Rose said.

"WELL, FUCK YOU, BITCH, SKANK, HO…"

The three men howled with laugher while Rose muttered about this suddenly being a very bad idea.

"Do you have an inferiority complex and it's coming out in your dreams, Rose?" the Doctor said. "Apparently, everyone in your mind thinks you're a bitch and a ho."

They watched while a newcomer joined the group. Voltron that was made out of the individual cars landed beside Optimus Prime.

"A FELLOW AUTOBOT! WILL YOU JOIN OUR FIGHT, BROTHER?" Optimus Prime said to Voltron.

Voltron brought his hands together and a big sword grew out of thin air. The Doctor, Jack and Ianto snickered when Voltron decapitated Optimus Prime and the head landed in Mater's scrapyard while the rest of the body fell over backwards and flattened the rest of the town.

"Hey, that wasn't very nice," Mater said to Voltron.

"Yeah, we'll have to get Rose here to rebuild the town now," Lightning McQueen added.

"Doctor!" Dream Rose said as she ran away from them.

The Doctor, Jack and Ianto walked as she ran past them and out of view.

"My girlfriend's a tad high-strung," Mater said to Lightning McQueen.

"Okay, enough! Go! Out of here!" Rose said, pointing to the door.

The three men grinned at each other before Ianto opened the door and they walked out.

"Rose," Jack said when everyone was outside and the Doctor closed the door behind him. "I'm thinking you should just say what the hell and go get a lobotomy done so you can sleep better at night."

"Or just have Voltron chop your head off," Ianto said.

The men snickered while Rose eyed them.

"Okay, I'll leave you alone now so you lot can make jokes at my expense now," she muttered as she walked away.

"See ya later, bitch, ho, skank, slut, whore!" Jack said, waving.

Rose blushed, walking away and muttered to herself about why she let herself get talked into embarrassing situations while the men chortled and headed back to the kitchen.


	52. Chapter 52

Chapter Fifty Two

"Take me out to the ball game!" the Doctor sung as the TARDIS flew towards their next destination. "A day at the ballpark watching a baseball game! What could be better?"

"Yeah, but which one?" Jack said as everyone stood around the console.

"Oklahoma City. We'll see a Redhawks game this afternoon," the Doctor said.

"Oklahoma City? Why not New York?" Jack said. "Let's go see the Dodgers!"

"Because I have a better chance of getting good seats in Oklahoma City than I do in New York," the Doctor said. "Not to mention it's cheaper."

Jack shrugged. The TARDIS landed and powered down and the Doctor led everyone outside. It was a warm summer day and they were in the middle of Bricktown near a canal that flowed through it. Bricktown had several restaurants plus the baseball park and the area was packed with people. Everyone followed the Doctor but he walked past the ticket booths of the brick baseball park. When Jack pointed out that the ticket booths were back there, the Doctor beckoned to everyone to follow him. Jack shrugged again and put his arm around Ianto. He led them to an ATM machine and had them spread out around him. Jack raised his eyebrow when the Doctor looked around, whipped out his sonic screwdriver, aimed it at the monitor and collected the cash that came into the tray.

"That's stealing, you know," Jack said to him.

"Wanna say that a bit louder, Harkness, I don't think Oklahoma City heard you," the Doctor said, giving him an angry look as he put the cash in his pocket.

"So if you can just take any money you want anytime, why were you so concerned about the cost of the tickets?" Jack said.

"Because I don't like to take heaps of it and I'm assuming you'll want food and souveniers. Now quit complaining and follow me."

Jack shrugged for a third time and he took Ianto's hand as the Doctor walked back to the ticket booth. He studied the prices for the seats and brought four tickets close to the field. When he received the tickets from the woman in the booth, everyone walked around the side to a large metal gate. There was a metal turnstile in the opening and a man sitting on a chair just beyond it. The man stood up, studied the tickets, tore off the stubs and handed them back to the Doctor before he stepped aside and let everyone go through the turnstile. They walked into an area shaded by the stands above them. The walkway went around ballpark with occasional openings so they could go down the steps to the seats. Spaced out around the walkway were concession and souvenir stands. The Doctor gave everyone thirty dollars each and their ticket stubs, making sure he was seated next to Rose. Rose took his hand and walked with him while Jack walked with Ianto towards the souvenir stand nearby. The Doctor and Rose walked to a concession stand and studied the posted at the front.

"Peanuts and popcorn and crackerjack," the Doctor sang softly as he rocked back and forth on his heels.

"And bratwurst and beer and bottled water," Rose sang back.

"And sausage and Coke and pretzels," the Doctor sang back.

They got in the queue and when their turn came, the Doctor got popcorn and a Coke and Rose got pretzels and a bottled water. They took their food and walked away from the stand. The Doctor stopped for a moment and handed Rose his bottle of Coke while he studied his ticket stub.

"We're near the pitch," the Doctor said to Rose. "Just have to find out which…"

He gasped when something bapped him on the head. Rose laughed when he turned around and saw Jack standing behind him with an oversized inflatable baseball bat in his hand. The bat was red and had the team's logo on it, a Redhawk's head. Jack bopped him again with it.

"I saw this and immediately thought of you," he said before bopping his head again. "It screamed…hit the Doctor with me and so I purchased it."

"You're gonna think screamed when I deflate it and choke you to death with it," the Doctor said.

"Yan got a t-shirt," Jack said.

Ianto held out a red t-shirt with the Redhawk logo on the chest and Redhawk Pride underneath it in big black lettering.

"I suggested a ballcap but Ianto wanted a shirt," Jack said.

"I tried to talk Jack out of getting the bat but there was no stopping him," Ianto said to the Doctor.

"Well, that's because Jack has no impulse control," the Doctor said.

Jack looked at their food and frowned when he saw the bottled water.

"Who got this?" he said, pointing to it.

"I did," Rose said.

"You came to a ballgame and you got water?" Jack said in disbelief. "What's wrong with beer?"

"I don't like American beer," Rose said.

"Yeah, but…water?" Jack said. "At least the Doctor got pop."

"I don't feel like getting pop. You want a beer or pop, have at it," Rose said.

Jack stared at the water for a moment. Then he looked at the Doctor and bopped him on the head again.

"I will take that away from you and find a way to beat you to death with it, I swear I will," the Doctor said between gritted teeth.

"Well, before that happens, I suppose Yan and I will go and get some food," Jack said.

He turned with Ianto and they walked towards the concession stand.

"Remind me to get that thing away from him when he lets go of it," the Doctor said to Rose as he pointed to the bat.

They walked over to the souvenir stand and looked at the items.

"You could get a bat and hit Jack in retaliation," Rose said, pointing to the bats along the back wall of the booth.

"No, I want something harder like an actual aluminium bat. It would be more satisfying to see his pea brains coming out of his head when I beat him with it."

Rose looked at the choices before going up to the counter. There was no queue so the Doctor stood back and watched while she selected a red shirt similar to Ianto's and a red ballcap with the Redhawk logo on it. She paid for her purchases and when she walked back to the Doctor, she put the ballcap on his head.

"From me to you," she said, patting him on the head.

"You didn't have to do that."

"I wanted to. You need something to wear and I thought you'd like a cap."

The Doctor smiled and adjusted it. Rose spied a nearby restroom and told the Doctor to wait. She went inside and five minutes later came out wearing her t-shirt. The Doctor took her blue t-shirt, scrunched it up into a rod-like shape and threaded it down into his bigger on the inside trouser pocket. Rose thanked him and they headed towards their seats. They had seats directly above the Redhawk dugout and when they reached their seats, Jack and Ianto were there. Jack was eating a bratwurst and sipping a beer and Ianto was eating popcorn and sipping a Sprite. He looked at the Doctor and burst out laughing at the ballcap.

"Oh, that is you," Jack said. "You look so stylish with the pinstriped suit and the ballcap."

"Rose got this for me, wasn't my idea."

"Good move, Rose. Now he looks even more geekish than before," Jack said.

The Doctor stuck his tongue out at him as he sat beside him and Rose sat beside the steps. Men and women were going up and down the steps, selling food and souvenirs. The Doctor noticed Jack had purchased a large program and was looking through it. It listed players and stats and had photos of the team and individual players. The Doctor noticed he was looking at one ballplayer's photo with a lustful gleam in his eye. The camera snapped when the ballplayer was in midswing of his bat.

"Jack, don't get so overheated you jump onto the pitch and start raping the players in the middle of the game," the Doctor said.

"You mean I can't show this man my own personal bat?" Jack said, waggling his eyebrows.

"No, keep your bat to yourself," the Doctor said while Rose sniggered.

"What about you?" Rose said to the Doctor.

"What about me?" the Doctor said.

"Are you going to go down there and shove someone out of the way so you can play the game in their place?" Rose said.

"I have the cap, yeah?" the Doctor said, putting his fingers on the brim.

"Out of my way, I know how to score twenty thousand points for ya!" Jack said loudly.

Rose and Ianto laughed while the Doctor eyed him.

"Out of my way, I want to show you my bat!" the Doctor yelled out.

"Really?" Jack said to him, a gleam in his eye.

"I shouldn't have said that, I realize that now," the Doctor said to Rose. "He was randy when he saw the ballplayer and I made it worse."

Rose giggled when Jack yawned loudly, stretched his arms out and laid them on the back of the chairs behind Ianto and the Doctor. The Doctor leaned up and glanced over his shoulder at the arm. Jack yelped when the Doctor pinched the back of Jack's hand as hard as he could and the Doctor grinned when he jerked his arm away. The Doctor settled back in his seat, ignoring the dirty look Jack was giving him. Jack kept his arm around Ianto and turned the page in his program. While he was studying it, he felt someone tap him on the shoulder. He turned slightly in his seat and saw a young woman sitting behind him. She had long blonde hair that was tied in a ponytail and was wearing sunglasses but Jack could see a disapproving look on her face. She had on a red tanktop and jean shorts. She pointed at the arm around Ianto.

"The Bible says that if a man lays with another man, you should take him out and stone him," she said.

Jack glared at her but he noticed a rose tattoo on her right shoulder.

"Bible also says it's forbidden to tattoo your skin but apparently you pick and choose which rules to follow," he said, pointing to it before he put his arm back around Ianto.

He smirked when the women shifted uneasily in her seat. He turned his head, looked at Ianto and purposely kissed him full on the lips. He held in his laughter when the women sucked in her breath and he flipped her off while he continued the kiss. Then he settled back in his seat, smug as a bug in a rug.


	53. Chapter 53

Chapter Fifty Three

"Ooo-baby," Jack said.

The game had started but Jack was busy admiring the ballplayers as they walked in and out of the dugout. A Hispanic man had just come out of it, running to home base and Jack was staring at his ass.

"Oklahoma City has some mighty fine ballplayers," Jack said. "I might ask for autographs after the game."

"Rose, do we have a collar and lead I can put around Jack's neck so he won't sexually assault the team?" the Doctor said to her. "Or one of those harness and lead things they put on children?"

One of the food vendors came down the steps next to Rose and Jack signaled to him and purchased another beer.

"Please don't get pissed and lose complete control of all your senses," the Doctor said as he passed the plastic cup to Jack.

"I won't," Jack said indignantly. "This is only my second beer."

The vendor asked if they wanted something else and the Doctor decided to purchase another Coke. He took a sip of it when Rose passed it to him and offered some to Rose.

"Live a little, Watergirl," he said with a wink.

Rose smiled and sipped some of it while he put his arm around her shoulder. Jack tried to put his arm back around the Doctor but stopped when the Doctor gave him a pointed look and mimed pinching the air. The Doctor and Rose shared the cup of Coke while Ianto sipped a bit of Jack's beer. Suddenly, they saw the wave start on the other side of the ballpark. They watched it go around the stands and did it when it got to their section. It went around again and they laughed as they did the wave with everyone else.

"Hey, Doctor?" Jack said.

"Yes, Jack?"

"Can I be a football hooligan in a baseball park?" Jack said. "You know, start one of those riots and rip up the place?"

"No, be good and sip your beer."

Jack grinned and sipped his beer. The Doctor turned his attention back to the game and gasped when Jack grabbed the bat at his feet and bopped the Doctor again. He quickly gave the bat to Ianto when the Doctor lunged for it.

"Hey…battah, battah, battah, battah!" Jack suddenly yelled.

The Doctor gave him an odd look.

"Ever seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off?" Jack asked him.

"Yeah," the Doctor said.

"The scene where they're at the ballpark…hey, battah, battah, battah, battah!" Jack chanted loudly.

He looked at Ianto and both of them chanted "Hey, battah, battah, battah, battah" together.

"Hey, battah, battah, battah, battah, you have a nice ass, battah!" Jack yelled as a blonde player stepped onto the field.

He heard the lady behind him sigh angrily and he smirked and kissed Ianto again just to make her even more angry. He finished the kiss and looked into Ianto's eyes.

"I'm on a hiiighway to Hell," he sang to Ianto while he sniggered.

He settled back in his seat with Ianto and then had a thought.

"Ferris Bueller day!" he said to the Doctor.

"Eh?" the Doctor said.

"We oughta go to Chicago and have a Ferris Bueller day. Go to the museum, to the ballpark, steal a car, join a parade. That's what we should do."

"Mm," the Doctor said. "I'll consider everything except stealing the car."

"But that's the best part," Jack said.

The Doctor and Rose shared a look while Jack turned his attention back to the game. An impish grin spread over his face and he put his arm around her and leaned in close.

"This is baseball," he said, pointing to the game.

"Noooo, really?" Rose teased.

"Really. Some say it started with the English game of Rounders but it actually started with me."

"Oh?" Rose said.

"Yes. I visited Teotihuacán in 1501 and told the Aztecs I had a new game called Gadzooks. I grabbed a big stick and threw up a rock and hit the rock with the stick. Then the rock struck the chief in the head and killed him and I ended up running for my life through Mexico up to North Dakota. I then joined a buffalo hunt with the Sioux but my arrow hit the chief instead of a bison and I ran for my life to Florida where I found the fountain of youth but when I danced around, I kicked Ponce De Leon into the fountain and turned him into a fetus so I ran for my life…"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Jack said while Rose bust out laughing. "I'm watching a gorgeous ginger hit the ball and you're jabbering on about killing people and running."

"Only explaining the true history of baseball to Rose," the Doctor said innocently.

"Hey, Ianto, want to hear the true history of football and how I invented it?" Jack said to Ianto.

"Does it involve you dying over and over?" Ianto asked.

"Pretty much, yeah, but the deaths were worth it to bring football to the world."

"Even the death that involved getting the footie ball shoved down your throat?" Ianto said.

"Well, no, that was a bit unpleasant. Not to mention I had heartburn after I revived…but other than that, my deaths were worth it to bring footie to the UK and beyond."

"I invented horseracing," Rose said.

"How?" the Doctor challenged.

"When I was the Bad Wolf, I said "horseracing" and so it was."

"Really? When did you say "horseracing" since I was there the entire time you were Bad Wolf," the Doctor said.

"I said it before I came out the TARDIS door."

"Ah," the Doctor said while Jack sniggered.

Ianto leaned into Jack.

"I invented a game you play with half a hockey stick," he muttered to Jack.

Jack chortled and put his hand over his mouth. The Doctor heard Ianto and raised his eyebrow.

"Should I ask for an explanation of that?" he muttered to himself. "Nah, better not to know," he said as he turned his attention back to the game.

"One night Ianto broke a hockey stick in half and…"

The Doctor shoved his hand over Jack's mouth while Rose giggled. Jack grinned and kissed the Doctor's palm. The Doctor took his hand away and feigned disgust at it.

"Rose, hand sanitizer? I have germs now," he said, showing her the palm.

"All out," Rose said with a shrug.

"Ugh, germs," the Doctor said while Jack gave him a playful punch in the arm.

Jack rolled his eyes and grinned when the Doctor furiously wiped his palm on the leg of his trouser.

"Rose?"

"Yes, Doctor."

"This game needs a Dalek. Make it more interesting."

Rose giggled.

"You mean the men would run faster if a Dalek was shooting at them."

"Yes. Pick up the pace, speed it up and make it more deadly."

"And give you an opportunity to save the ballplayers," Ianto added.

"And that," the Doctor said.

"Rose. Go out there and strip naked on the pitcher's mound," Jack said. "That would make the game more interesting."

"Doctor, go out there and do the Macarena," Rose said.

"Rose, go out there and spontaneously combust," the Doctor said.

"Jack, go out there and show everyone your womb broom," Ianto said.

"Ianto, go down there with me and shag me on first base," Jack said.

Jack sighed when the woman behind him muttered at that.

"Woman behind me, go read your Bible and leave the gays alone," he said loudly.

"Amen," Ianto said.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

"That was interesting," Jack said as they walked out of the ballpark. "And the Redhawks won. Not that I really care but it's nice to have the home team win."

"I thought you were going to stay and try to get the team's autographs," the Doctor said to him.

"Nah, I'm ready for the next thing. Let's go steal more money and go eat," Jack said.

"Eat? You ate in there," the Doctor said, pointing back to the ballpark.

"I snacked in there, there's a difference," Jack said.

"I am so glad I have a ship that makes an unending supply of food because we'd all starve with him in the ship," the Doctor said to Rose.

Rose stopped the Doctor near the TARDIS. The Doctor gave her a quizzical look while Jack and Ianto stopped and turned to see what they were doing. Rose grabbed the Doctor's hands.

"Spin time!" she said.

The Doctor grinned and they threw their heads back and spun around in a circle. Jack noticed some people were giving them odd looks as they passed by but the Doctor and Rose didn't care. Jack looked at Ianto.

"Bat fight!" he said before he bopped Ianto on the head.

Ianto grinned and flicked his t-shirt at him while he dodged Jack's bat. They laughed and ran around for a few minutes before they calmed down and smiling, all of them headed into the TARDIS.


	54. Chapter 54

Chapter Fifty Four

"I can't believe you're letting Rose drive," Jack teased.

The four of them decided to hire a car and take a road trip from Albuquerque, New Mexico to Phoenix, Arizona. The Doctor told him he had a remote control he could use to call the TARDIS to them so they could leave when they reached Phoenix. They decided to get the car in Albuquerque and Rose had volunteered to drive some of the way there.

"I can drive," Rose said as they stepped out of the TARDIS near the Albuquerque airport. "I have my driving license."

"Do you have a criminal record for manslaughter?" Jack said as they headed towards the airport.

"I will if I kill you," Rose said over her shoulder while she and the Doctor stepped hand in hand into the airport.

They walked to the information desk and the Doctor asked if any shuttles went out to the car rental places. The woman directed them to a booth about fifty feet to her left and told them they could rent a car there and the shuttle would take them to the lot. The Doctor thanked her and they turned and headed in the direction she indicated. When they reached the Avis booth, Rose spoke to the woman behind it for a moment and then looked at her friends.

"Do we want to hire a regular car or a people carrier. People carrier would have more room in it," she said.

"I vote for the people carrier since it'll be a long drive," Jack said.

"I do as well," Ianto said.

The Doctor nodded and excused himself when he spied an ATM machine nearby. Rose started filling out the paperwork while Jack watched him go up to it.

"There he goes again," he muttered to Ianto when he saw the Doctor take out his sonic and look around.

He used it on the ATM and discreetly gathered the money that came out before heading back to Rose's side. He asked the price and handed the woman three one hundred dollar bills. The woman gave him the change while Rose finished up the paperwork.

"Did you get tons of insurance since Rose is driving?" Jack quipped.

"Piss off, Jack," Rose said over her shoulder.

After receiving the receipts and the keys to a 2012 Ford Minivan, they were told to stand outside and a shuttle would be along to pick them up.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

"Nice, very nice," Jack said when they saw the grey minivan. "This will be comfy."

He slid open the side door and he and Ianto climbed in while the Doctor sat in the passenger seat. Jack sat down and as he was getting comfortable he spied something under Rose's seat. He bent over and saw a small black strap. He tugged on it and pulled out a small black case.

"Being a Nosy Parker?" the Doctor said as he shut his door.

"Found this. Someone might have left it behind?" Jack said as Ianto sat down in the seat behind him.

He pulled a zipper on the side of the square case. He pulled the zipper around and opened it. His eyes boggled when he saw a DVD player and five DVDs inside.

"Hey, we have DVDs and a player someone left behind," Jack said as Rose got inside the car.

"Yeah?" Rose said, shutting her door.

"Yeah. Five DVDs. Cool," Jack said, setting the DVD player beside him on the seat.

"Bags I!" the Doctor said, reaching for the DVD player.

"Bullshit! I found it, it's mine!" Jack said, snatching it up.

"Blast, thought I'd had a DVD player for a moment," the Doctor said to Rose while she adjusted the mirrors.

Ianto came around the seat and sat beside Jack. Jack handed the player to him and looked at the DVDs.

"Okay. We have Wrong Turn 3 Pack. Oh, three movies in one. Cool. We also have Rio. Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 and…They Are Among Us, Aliens in America."

"Really?" the Doctor said, looking over his shoulder.

Jack showed him the DVD case. It was grey with a stereotypical Roswell alien head on the front of it that was superimposed over a map of the US. The Doctor snorted and shook his head.

"What d'ya wanna watch, Yan?" Jack asked as Rose started up the car.

"Rose, since she's about to drive off," Ianto quipped.

"Oh yeah, we better watch out for pedestrians since Rose will plow into them," Jack said.

Rose flipped them the vees before looking over her shoulder and putting the car into reverse. She gave Jack a withering look when he grabbed Ianto and both of them gave her fake looks of horror.

"You don't stop that and I'll throw you out and you'll be the rundown pedestrians," Rose said.

Jack grinned and looked at the Wrong Turn DVD while Rose slowly backed out of the parking spot. He turned the DVD case over and read the summary on the back since he was unfamiliar with the movie. His eyebrow raised when he finished reading it.

"Yan, this is about insane, inbred, hillbilly cannibals that kill people and eat them. Wanna watch this?" he said to him.

"Insane, what?" the Doctor said, looking over his shoulder.

"Insane, inbred, hillbilly cannibals."

"Someone made a film about this?" the Doctor said as Rose turned onto the road.

"Apparently so," Jack said, shrugging.

"Why?" the Doctor said to Rose while she giggled.

"Someone thinks there are inbred, hillbilly cannibals in the world?" Rose said, glancing while she drove.

"Well, I hope we don't run into any," the Doctor said.

Jack, in an impish mood, selected the first Wrong Turn movie. He put it in the player and found to his delight that it was still charged. He and Ianto cuddled together while they watched the tiny screen.

"Don't worry, they have a charger in the case that you can plug into the cigarette lighter if this needs to be recharged," Jack said to Ianto.

Ianto nodded and the two of them watched the movie while the Doctor chatted softly with Rose. About five minutes into the movie, he started hearing screams followed by Jack and Ianto saying, "Ewwwwww!" followed by insane, high-pitched Alvin and the Chipmunk giggling. In fact, his conversation was soon peppered with joint "Ewwwwwww!" and the chipmunk giggles. Finally, the Doctor couldn't take any more and he turned to them.

"What is going on in that film?" he said while Rose laughed.

"This is a disgusting film," Ianto said.

"Yeah, these hillbillies kill people in disgusting ways and eat them," Jack said, pausing the movie.

"And then they giggle like they're sucking helium?" the Doctor said.

"Pretty much, yeah," Jack said. "They set traps in the woods and when people get off course, they make them crash and then hunt them. This one man was running and his foot hit a tripwire and this bedframe came up and it had piano wire strung on it or something like that and it sliced the man in three places and he fell apart in three sections."

Rose laughed as the Doctor gave her a disgusted look.

"Rose, you're human. What is the attraction? Why do apes view disgusting stuff and consider it entertainment?" he said to her. "You lot have so much potential but you chose to mire yourself watching dreck like this," he added, pointing to the player.

"I don't watch the really disgusting ones like that. I like older horror movies," Rose said, glancing at him.

"Yes, but even so…there are enough horrors in the world without you watching them in films. And haven't you and Ianto seen enough horrors working for Torchwood?" he added, speaking to Jack.

"Yes. But I suppose this is like a car wreck. You don't want to look but you can't help but watch."

"Carry on then. I want no part of it. I'd rather engage in meaningful conversation than stare at mindless violence all day," the Doctor said, waving a dismissive hand.

Jack started up the movie again and the "Ewwww!" and the giggles returned. The Doctor tried to speak to Rose but he kept getting distracted by the ewwws and the giggles. An hour and a half later, it ended and the Doctor breathed a sigh of relief.

"Let's watch Wrong Turn Part 2," Jack said to Ianto.

"NOOO!" the Doctor said, louder than he meant to.

Rose howled with laughter and looked in the rearview mirror at Jack's stunned face.

"Sorry. I mean, please pick another film, would you?" the Doctor said.

"Um…okay," Jack said, opening the hatch and putting the DVD back in the case.

He and Ianto looked at the DVDs and chose Harry Potter. The Doctor relaxed when he heard Deathly Hallows play and eased back into his conversation with Rose.

XOXOXOXOXOX

After three hours, Rose spotted a lay-by on the interstate and pulled off to stretch her legs, pee and see if they had some slot machines in the brick building on the premises. When she pulled into a parking space in front of the double glass doors, she and the Doctor got out but Jack and Ianto continued to watch Deathly Hallows. The Doctor glanced at them, shrugged and closed his door before he stepped lightly onto the pavement and took Rose's hand. They went inside and Rose sighed when the air conditioning hit her face. The temperature was near 85 degrees now and the sun was blazing. The interior was brick with a linoleum floor. There were several vending machines to their left along with a rack filled with brochures on tourist sights. On the other side was a large entrance that led to the restrooms. When you went inside, you turned to the right for women and to the left for men. Beside that was three payphones affixed to the wall and beside that was a large map of New Mexico. Rose walked over to the vending machines and the Doctor followed her while she stopped and studied the beverage choices.

"I want water," Rose said, pulling a dollar bill and a quarter out of her pocket. "It's positively scorching out there."

"I know. I also want something to slake my thirst," the Doctor said, pulling out a dollar and a quarter with her.

He studied the choices while Rose put the money in the machine. She pressed a black button under a photo of an Aquafina water bottle. There was a clatter and she reached down and pulled her water out of the large slot in the bottom of the machine.

"I'm gonna use the toilet, be back in a mo," Rose said as she turned and walked towards the restrooms.

The Doctor nodded, staring at the vending machine. He scratched his chin while he thought. His eyes kept drifting back to the photo of the Fanta Orange soda bottle and he decided that orange soda sounded good right now. He fed the dollar into the machine and put the quarter into the slot and pushed the button under it. He was leaning down to get the bottle when Jack burst into the building and ran to him.

"Not my daughter, you bitch!" he yelled at him when he jerked up in surprise.

He chuckled and patted him on the shoulder as Ianto came into the building. He turned his head to the side and looked at the bottle in the Doctor's hand.

"Orange soda, eh? That sounds good. Let's see…1.25…" Jack said, reaching into his pocket. "What do you want, Yan?" he called out as Ianto headed towards the restroom.

"Coke," Ianto said before going into the restroom.

Jack pulled out 2.50 and got himself a Fanta and Ianto a Coke.

"Rose in the necessary room?" Jack said to the Doctor when he retrieved Ianto's soda.

"Yes," the Doctor said.

"Don't let her fall in," Jack said as he walked over to the rack.

"I think Rose's bum is large enough for the toilet," the Doctor said while Jack giggled.

Jack glanced over his shoulder and cocked his eyebrow when he noticed the Doctor walked over to the space between the payphones and the restroom and leaned against the wall, waiting for Rose.

"You don't seem sure of that statement," Jack said to him. "Or are you afraid a Dalek might enter when you leave and exterminate her on the bog."

"I want to wait. You'd wait for Ianto," the Doctor said. "I'm assuming that's why you're perusing the tourist brochures now."

"That and just plain old curiosity," Jack said, turning his attention back to the rack.

While he scanned the brochures, Rose came out and the Doctor smiled and walked with her out of the building. Jack glanced over his shoulder at the men's restroom and walked over to it. With an evil grin, he entered it and noticed Ianto was standing at the nearest urinal.

"NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!" he shrieked.

Ianto gasped and nearly got urine on the wall.

"Damn you, Jack," he said as Jack ran giggling out of the building.


	55. Chapter 55

Chapter Fifty Five

After Jack used the restroom and gave Ianto his Coke, they walked outside. Jack and Ianto froze when they spied the Doctor and Rose. The Doctor kept glancing down at his crotch and then saying something to Rose. Rose was laughing hysterically while the Doctor pulled faces and did dramatic gestures.

"What the hell?" Jack said when the Doctor looked down at his crotch again for a moment and then pretended to menace Rose with wide eyes.

They walked towards the car, watching Rose's silent laughter while she pressed herself up against her window as the Doctor waggled his fingers at her. Jack and Ianto walked to the side door and Jack opened it.

"Some say the men in black are protecting us from the aliens," they heard from the DVD player on the Doctor's lap. "Some say they're part of the aliens themselves."

"So everyone run if Will Smith grows tentacles!" the Doctor said to Rose while she laughed.

"Oh, I get it now," Jack said to Ianto as they climbed inside.

"Aliens are believed to perform gruesome experiments on abductees," the film was saying.

"Aliens Are Among Us, I take it?" Jack said as Ianto slid the door shut.

"No, it's Wrong Turn, the alien edition," the Doctor said, over his shoulder. "Course it's that aliens are among us film. What else would it be?"

"Abductees have reported weird experiments being done on them while they were in the alien's power."

"Yes, Rose, you're in my power so be prepared for a probe up the bum!" the Doctor said, waggling his fingers at her while she squealed.

"Some abductees have even claimed that aliens have implanted chips in their heads to observe and control their thoughts."

The Doctor slapped his forehead.

"Mind control chip!" he said while Rose laughed. "Why didn't I think of that before? The perfect way to deal with Rose's noncompliance of my orders! I will do that…after I get her in my power, of course."

"Can we leave now?" Jack said.

Rose started up the car while the Doctor stopped the movie and handed it back to Jack.

"I've seen enough. More of that alarmist rubbish about alien conspiracies and massive abductions," he said to Jack. "There are abductions but not as many as people think. Some of these people are just nutters or people wanting attention."

Jack took the DVD out and put it back in the case while Rose got back on the interstate. She was easing into the right lane when someone suddenly zoomed in and nearly clipped her bumped in his haste to get in front of her.

"YOU CRAZY NUTTER!" Rose screamed at the car. "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, YOU STUPID WANKER!"

There was silence and Rose glanced around at the stunned faces of her friends.

"Slight problem with road rage, Rose?" Jack said.

"Yes," Ianto said. "And if you do have road rage, please let me out of here before you pull out a gun and start shooting at the other cars."

"Sorry," Rose said sheepishly.

"I see Jackie passed her temper on to her daughter," the Doctor said to Jack and Ianto.

"Mum's even worse," Rose said.

"I can imagine," the Doctor said, relaxing while the car in front of them speeded up and put some distance between the two cars.

"Now that we're sure Rose won't be ramming every car on the interstate, wanna watch another movie?"

"Nah, I'm bored with that," Ianto said.

"Okay, let's do something else then," Jack said, putting the DVDs and player back in the case.

"Singsong!" the Doctor said. "I'll start! Oooooh…Rose is going driving in a car, car, car. But I'm sure she won't get very far, far, far. She'll crash into a tailback and we'll say goodbye to Jack. Cause he'll be going through the windscreen of the car, car, car!"

Rose laughed while Jack and Ianto applauded. The Doctor bowed at the waist.

"Thank you. Donations accepted," the Doctor said.

"I've got an idea. Let's play Stupid American Tourist," Jack said.

"How do we play that?" Ianto said.

"I will be the American tourist and you will be you. I will pretend to be visiting Wales and we'll do a small skit. Okay?"

"Um…alright," Ianto said while the Doctor and Rose exchange glances.

"I spent quite a bit of time in America while waiting for the Doctor to come back and I love America and Americans but some Americans are idiots. I also encountered some Americans on holiday in England and this is my impression of a clueless American tourist on holiday in Wales and how they act."

"Okay, go ahead," Ianto said.

Jack paused a moment before lunging at Ianto.

"HI!" he bellowed at Ianto. "I'M FROM AMERICA!"

Ianto recoiled with a stunned look on his face.

"Some Americans talk loudly," Jack explained. "Very loudly."

"Okay, yeah," Ianto said. "Coulda said before you nearly gave me a heart attack but go on…"

"I AM VISTING ENGLAND!" Jack bellowed while Rose and the Doctor giggled. "ENGLAND IS SO BEAUTIFUL. I LOVE YOUR COUNTRY."

"Yes, it is. But you're not in England, you're in Wales," Ianto said.

"WHAT?" Jack bellowed at him while Rose laughed hysterically. "I'M STILL IN ENGLAND, RIGHT? I CROSSED THIS BRIDGE THINKING THERE WAS MORE ENGLAND OVER HERE AND I FOUND THESE SIGNS WITH FUNNY WORDS ON THEM."

Ianto shook with silent laughter for a moment.

"Um…no, sir, you're in Wales. It's next to England, he said.

"WALES? I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS! I THOUGHT I WAS IN ENGLAND! WHY DO YOU SIGNS HAVE STRANGE WORDS ON THEM? I SAW ONE WORD THAT WAS LIKE TWENTY LETTERS AND ONLY ONE A IN IT. WHAT'S WITH THAT?"

"Okay, can you go back to your normal voice and we'll just pretend you're yelling? You're giving me a headache," Ianto said.

"Sorry. Okay, still yelling so imagine that. Anyway…So this is Wales? Why is your country named after the big things in the water and there's all these dragons everywhere? What's up with that?"

Rose was shaking as she laughed hysterically and the Doctor was shaking with silent laughter while Ianto did the same. Ianto cleared his throat.

"No, spelled W-A-L-E-S, not W-H-A-L-E and the dragon is the symbol of Wales."

"We have an eagle! That's our symbol."

"Um…yeah, I know," Ianto said while the Doctor and Rose laughed. "I do know quite a bit about America."

"What's your name? My name is Bubba."

"My name is Ianto."

"Huh?" Jack said.

"Ianto."

"How d'ya spell that?"

"I-A-N-T-O."

"That's Eye-an-to. You're name is Eye-an-to?"

"Okay, I have to pull over before I run us off the road," Rose said, "I'm glad I went to the toilet back there."

Rose pulled off the road and put the car in park while Jack continued with his roleplaying.

"So, Eye-an-to, why d'ya call this part of England,Wales?" Jack said.

"My name is Ianto."

"No it isn't. It's Eye-an-to. That's how it's spelled," Jack said.

"The I is pronounced like a Y in Welsh."

"Well, what the hell d'ya do that for? If you're s'posed to pronounce it like a Y, why not use Y? Why you use an I for a Y. You English people are crazy!"

Rose was bent over the steering wheel laughing and the Doctor and Jack shared a gleeful look.

"And we're not England, we're Wales, it's a completely different country," Ianto said, trying to keep a straight face.

"But you're attached to England," Jack said. "I was in Englandand I crossed this bridge and paid a toll and here's more England."

"There are other countries besides England on this island," Ianto said with just a hint of laughter in his voice.

"Really? Like what? Canada?" Jack said.

Ianto burst out laughing while Jack gave him a gleeful grin.

"No, Canada is above your country," Ianto said.

"I know and I was sure England was right next to it," Jack said. "I was shocked when we had to take a plane here. I thought you just drove to Canada, turned right and there was England. I didn't realize water was in the way."

Now the Doctor was laughing just as hysterically as Rose and Ianto was shaking with silent laughter while Jack patted him on the shoulder.

"Been around a lot of these stupid Americans, Jack?" Ianto said.

"More than I care to admit," Jack said.

"Oh God, you need to stop because I'm about to wet myself," Rose said. "Plus, I need to get back on the motorway before the police decide to stop and find out why we're here."

"Okay, I'll stop the game," Jack said. "Go ahead, Rose."

"In a moment. I'm not through laughing yet," Rose said, holding up her hand.

It took a good five minutes for Rose to calm down enough to get them back on the road. Once she was back on the interstate, the four of them decided to just chat for awhile as they headed for the Arizona border.


	56. Chapter 56

Chapter Fifty Six

"Arizona!" the Doctor said when they reached the border and the sign welcoming them.

"Land of hotter than Hell temperatures," Jack said. "So hot your shoes will melt to the road."

"Seriously?" Rose said, glancing in the rearview mirror.

"Average summer temperatures are around 40 degrees Celsius, give or take," Jack said. "Sometimes even hotter."

"Blimey," Rose said. "And I thought New Mexico was scorching."

"People of Arizona!" the Doctor said, leaning up and spreading his arms out. "Soon you will be in my power!"

"Oi!" Rose said, laughing. "Put the arms down. I can't see."

"We don't want to run off the road and find insane, hillbilly cannibals," Jack said.

Rose laughed when the Doctor imitated the cackle he heard in the film. He mimed cutting Rose in two and Rose screamed before laughing again.

"Mmm, spleen," the Doctor said, licking his fingers. "Nothing like spleen and mash. Almost as good as custard and kidney pie."

"Desert, nothing but desert all around," Rose said, looking out the windows.

"Well, the hillbillies live in the woods, yeah? So no danger of them," the Doctor said. "Besides, what are you whinging about. The heat, the desert, we had worse on Malfongia."

"Ugh," Rose said, making a face.

"Care to elaborate?" Ianto said.

"Malfongia was this desert planet with lizard people. We visited it before you lot traveled with us and we were captured and staked down in the desert and left to die there. I nearly did and got a bloody sunburn that hurt like hell," she said.

"You know, your lives really suck sometimes," Jack said.

"And yours doesn't?" the Doctor said, turning towards him. "You've never been in that amount of danger before?"

"Oh yeah. But I've never been staked down in the desert before. Nearly was but didn't happen. But speaking of desert, I can tell you a story about this desert because I was in Arizona in 1891."

"Oh?" Rose said, glancing at him in the rearview mirror. "Why were you here?"

"For a lark," Jack said. "I traveled to different countries for awhile out of boredom and came to America. Decided to follow the advice of go west, young man. So I hopped on a stagecoach and made my way here."

"So, what happened?" Ianto said.

"Well, these insane cannibal hillbillies ran us off the dirt road and hunted us for food. I ran miles and miles and…"

He chuckled when the Doctor rolled his eyes at that.

"We did get stopped though. Bandits. Turns out my stagecoach was carrying a shipment of money to the bank in Tombstone. They ordered everyone out and one of them kept us at bay while the other took the money. After that, they got back on their horses and rode off and we went on."

"No shooting?" Ianto said.

"No. Why? Not every story ends with my death, you know," Jack said.

"I think Ianto means he's surprised you didn't try to play the hero and get shot in the process," the Doctor said.

"Yeah, exactly," Ianto said, pointing to the Doctor.

"Now wait a minute. I know when not to play the hero," Jack said in a hurt voice.

The Doctor and Ianto gave him a dubious look while Rose giggled.

"Anyway, before we get in a big argument about this…" Jack said. "So I came to Phoenix which at that time was a one horse town, metaphorically speaking. Not as sprawling as it is now. I jumped off the stage, went to the bar and got acquainted with a whore named Lilly."

Rose laughed when the Doctor looked around at Ianto.

"Let me ask you something," he said to Ianto. "Do you mind him talking about all his sexual conquests like this in front of you?"

"I'm used to it now," Ianto said with a shrug.

"I didn't do anything with her," Jack said indignantly.

Rose howled with laughter when a gigantic "HA!" burst from the Doctor's throat.

"Oh, please Harkness, pull the other one," the Doctor said. "A prostitute in the middle of nowhere and you didn't bonk her. What'd you do, sip tea, eat cucumber sandwiches and play cards all night?"

"I talked to her. I talk to women. I talk to Rose. I've never bonked her," Jack said, pointing to Rose.

"Yes. That's because if you laid your hands on Rose, your hands would have been torn off at the wrists and thrown into the vortex," the Doctor said while Rose quickly looked over her shoulder and threw Jack a smug look.

"There's a perfectly good reason why I didn't shag Lilly," Jack said.

The Doctor turned sideways in his seat, folded his hands in his lap and gave Jack an expectant look while Rose laughed.

"Well? Out with it," the Doctor said when Jack stared at him. "What's the reason?"

"She had herpes."

The Doctor continued to wait.

"She had herpes," Jack repeated.

"I'm waiting…" the Doctor said.

"For what?"

"For the real reason you didn't bonk her."

"She had herpes! I don't want a venereal disease! Put that away!" Jack said when the Doctor took out his sonic screwdriver. "You're not scanning me to see if I have VD."

"No, it was beeping, I was turning it off," the Doctor said innocently.

"HA!" Jack blurted out while Rose and Ianto giggled.

"Alright," the Doctor said, putting the sonic away. "What about Lilly then?"

"Well, I talked to Lilly at the bar," Jack said, ignoring the pointed look and the head shake the Doctor was directing towards Rose. "Suddenly! In walks…"

Jack paused for dramatic effect.

"The Coyote Kid," he said in a hushed whisper.

The Doctor sniggered at that while Rose grinned.

"The Coyote Kid was one of those most dangerous outlaws that ever lived," Jack said indignantly.

"Really? Why haven't I heard of him then?" the Doctor said.

"Because you're a moron?" Jack offered.

"Ooo…" Rose said when the Doctor raised his eyebrow.

"Anyway," Jack said, avoiding trouble from the Doctor. "Lilly was the Coyote Kid's woman."

"Then why wasn't she married to the Coyote Kid?" the Doctor said.

"Because he didn't wanna get married."

"I don't want to marry Rose but at the same time I don't put her to work whoring the drunks in a London pub," the Doctor said, gesturing to her.

"That's because you're a moron."

"Rose, pull over so I can tie Harkness to the bumper and drag him along," the Doctor said while Rose giggled.

"Just kidding, Geez. Anyway, the Coyote Kid saw me with Lilly and he came over there."

"And blew your brains out and you woke up and that's the end," Ianto said dryly.

"No. He challenged me to a duel outside the saloon."

"And the whole thing became one long Clint Eastwood wild west cliché and he still blew your brains out when it's all said and done. The end," the Doctor said while Rose and Ianto snickered.

"No, I accepted his challenge because I knew if he shot me, I had the upper hand," Jack said.

"Bless you, Rose, for endowing him with all encompassing immortality so he can act the fool and challenge windbags to duels just so he can show the world how macho he really is," the Doctor said to Rose while she chortled.

"I'm gonna pull off here for a bit," Rose said, pointing to a lay-by. "I need to rest."

The Doctor nodded and turned his attention back to Harkness while Rose eased her way over to the slip road leading to the lay-by.

"Okay, Clint, so you went out to face the man in black and I'm sure you were dressed in gleaming white, eh?" the Doctor said while Rose slowed the car and headed into the rest stop.

"Sorry, can someone take over driving when this story is finished? I'm dead tired," Rose said.

"I will," the Doctor said, patting her forearm. "You're right, you've driven for hours. You deserve a rest. So anyway, Clint, back to your tale," he added as Rose pulled into a parking spot.

"I got up and started to follow him but Lilly begged me not to go."

"Why? Was she itching to give you her pubic lice?" Ianto said.

The Doctor burst out laughing at the shocked look Jack gave him. Ianto grinned proudly at his pun and shrugged.

"Hardy har har. Anyway," Jack said as Rose turned off the ignition and let her arms drop.

"Hold on. Rose, go in the back and lay down. You can rest while you listen to Jack bang on about whores and famous people who aren't really famous," the Doctor said.

"I need to go to the toilet. Anyone want anything from the slot machines?"

The men reached into their trouser pockets. Jack and Ianto pulled out their wallets while the Doctor pulled out a wad of money.

"Another Fanta Orange pop. They're delish," the Doctor said, handing her two dollars.

"Coke for me," Jack said, handing her two dollars.

"Sprite or iced tea if they have it, thank you, Rose," Ianto said, handing her another two dollars.

There was a chorus of "Thank you, Rose," from the men in little kiddy voices. Rose grinned and told them she'd be back in a minute. She told Jack to go on with his story before getting out.

"See, Rose doesn't wanna hear you banging on about whores who won't whore and gunslingers who are legends in their own minds," the Doctor said when Rose slammed the door.

"That's because she fails to recognize a history in the making story," Jack said.

The Doctor snorted at that.

"So…" he said to Jack. "I'm assuming this shootout was at high noon in the center of the street with the townspeople looking on and the theme from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly was drifting through the wind while you stood there and faced each other."

"No, it was three in the afternoon. We were on a side street. I wore my regular clothes and he was dusty as hell and looked like a regular non-black clothes wearing cowboy. The people from the saloon were there but no one else and no theme song was drifting through the air."

"Well, can't be right all the time," the Doctor said with a shrug.

"So, we stood there facing each other," Jack said.

"And you whipped out your John Thomas and sprayed semen in his face."

The Doctor laughed when Jack gave Ianto another shocked look.

"I can be just as bawdy as the rest of you," Ianto said to Jack.

"Um…no, I had my trusty Webley with me," Jack said.

"And?" the Doctor said.

"He shot me in the head."

The Doctor gave him four sarcastic claps.

"But!" Jack said, holding up his finger. "I'm not finished. You see, he came over to gloat over my body and guess who woke up while he was trying to rob me?"

"Ianto woke up because he fell asleep listening to this and it was finally nearing the end," the Doctor said.

"No. I woke up and saw his grizzled face over me and I yelled at him and received the satisfaction of seeing the bastard piss his pants," Jack said. "And for added effect, I said…it's the end of the world, the dead are rising from the grave! And the Coyote Kid nearly died of fright and ran screaming from me."

He looked at his friends but they were staring quietly at him without any reaction.

"I scared the stupid bastard," Jack said.

"We get that. But what happened to Lilly after you scared him?" the Doctor said.

"Nothing. I went on my way."

"Oh puh-leeze! You went back to the saloon and rode her like a mare," the Doctor said while Ianto giggled. "I know you, Harkness, and you wouldn't pass up an opportunity to rub the humiliation in by shagging the competition's girlfriend! You just don't wanna admit that!"

"Believe what you like," Jack said with a shrug.

"Well, I'll believe you had your way with the whore. Because for you not to would be grossly out of character," the Doctor said as Rose came back to the car and opened the driver's side door.

"Hey, what'd I miss?" Rose said to the Doctor.

"Lashings of codswallop. Got my nummy Fanta?" the Doctor said while Jack flipped him off.


	57. Chapter 57

Chapter Fifty Seven

The Doctor eased into the driver's seat and adjusted his mirrors. He frowned when Rose came around to the passenger side and got in.

"There's plenty of room in the back," he said, hooking his thumb back behind him.

"Nah, I'd rather recline the seat. Besides, I want to listen to everyone," Rose said, tilting her seat back.

"So, you can drive then?" Jack said.

"Yes. I had a car back in the 1970's. Named it Bessie."

"Bessie?" Jack said, shooting an amused look at Ianto. "You named your car? Is that an alien thing?"

"Um…I don't think so since Stephen King wrote about a car called Christine," the Doctor said.

"Speaking of horror, wanna watch Wrong Turn Part 2?" Jack said to Ianto.

The Doctor sighed.

"Could you go to the back of the people carrier and turn the volume down? Rose is trying to rest and I don't feel like hearing that chipmunk giggle every five minutes."

Jack and Ianto grabbed everything and headed to the back of the minivan. However, there was soon the familiar pattern of ewwws and giggles and the Doctor shot Rose an exasperated look.

"Hey, Doctor?"

"Yes, Jack?"

"Got a question."

"Yeah?"

"Okay. In the first Wrong Turn, this man was standing there and he triggered this trap and a scythe swung down, went through the front of his head and his face slipped off his face in one piece. Is that possible?"

Rose giggled at the disgusted look on the Doctor's face.

"I don't know, Harkness. What don't I pull off the road, find a scythe, swing it into your head and see if the face comes off in one piece," he said.

"Ooo and in this one, there was this sexy blonde driving this Porsche and the main hillbilly raised his axe and cleaved her in two with one chop. Is that possible?"

"Like I said, I'll find the nearest lay-by, find an axe…"

"I have a question for you, Jack," Rose said loudly. "If the Doctor wads you up into a tiny ball, will you be able to sort yourself out or will you live your life as a tiny human ball forever more?"

"Thank you! Ah, cheers, my helpmate," the Doctor said, patting her on the head.

"Because I'm guessing you're asking all this to try to gross the Doctor out, am I right?" she said, turning her head to look at Jack.

Jack gave her a "Who, me?" look. The Doctor looked back at him and snorted.

"You know he is, Rose. That's in his character. Just like it's in his character to shag a saloon whore rather than pass her by. He's sore because I disapprove of these slasher films so he wants to let me know what's going on and trying to be sly about it by asking me physics questions. PLUS, IT'S A FILM, JACK!" he yelled back to him.

"But I wonder if you could really do that. Make a face slide off in one piece."

"See, now Rose is interested," Jack said to Ianto.

"In my fifth life," the Doctor said, easing into the passing lane," I took Tegan and Nyssa to a planet that was basically a fascist dictatorship. They had public executions as a warning to dissenters and the favorite punishment was to immobilize a person and run a sharp sheet of metal through him and cleave him in two that way."

"Ewww," Rose said while Jack and Ianto shared a look. "Wouldn't that make a horrendous mess?"

"Yes but the prisoners did the mopping up as a punishment and a preview of what would happen when it came their turn."

"And you ended up a prisoner?"

"No. Tegan did. Tegan had a gob and she frequently ran it. She was arrested when she started speaking out against the executions and the wrong people heard her. She nearly died before I managed to create a distraction and get her out of there. Sorry, my tale isn't quite as dramatic as Jack's but I prefer brevity to long-windedness."

"Bullshit, you talk all day if given the chance," Jack said while Rose giggled. "I remember your ninth life when you would go on and on about stupid shit and poor Rose would be forced to listen."

"Are you talking about this Rose? Because I can't force this Rose to do anything," the Doctor said, pointing at Rose while looking back at him. "I keep telling her not to wander off and lo and behold, she wanders off. I could tie her to a chair and she'd bounce the chair around and still wander off."

"Because I want to give you something to do," Rose teased.

"Usually, I have something to do. I have to stop doing my something to do and go find you," the Doctor teased back.

"This Tegan woman. Would I have liked her?" Rose said to him.

"Um…she was sorta loud and opinionated like your mum. You like your mum?"

"Not enough to travel with her through time and space," Rose said.

"There's your answer then," the Doctor said.

He fell silent for awhile when he noticed Rose's eyelids were getting heavy. He ran the back of his hand down her cheek and told her softly to go to sleep. He rubbed her forearm while it rested on the armrest nearest him and Rose slipped into sleep. He asked Jack to turn the volume down a bit more and he continued to rub her arm while he drove with one hand. When someone screamed during the movie, Jack flinched, looked up at Rose and whispered to Ianto that they would finish the movie later. Ianto nodded and they switched toRiosince they figured a children's movie would be quieter. However, they soon realized the movie had some pretty catchy songs with a samba beat and the Doctor was shaking his shoulders in time to the beat while he watched the movie.

Jack and Ianto were engrossed in the film and looked up when the Doctor began to slow down.

"Pulling off somewhere?" Jack asked.

"No, tailback in front of me," the Doctor said, slowing to a stop.

"Can you see why?" Ianto said.

"No. There's an arctic in my way," the Doctor said, pointing to the semi in front of him.

"Probably an accident," Jack said as he and Ianto looked down at the movie.

"Well, let's hope insane hillbillies aren't eating any dead bodies then," the Doctor said.

"What's happening? Are we there?"

The Doctor winced when he heard Rose's sleepy murmur and realized the motion of the car had helped to relax and lull her to sleep.

"Tailback," the Doctor said, pointing to the truck in front of him.

"D'ya know what happened?" Rose said, straightening up.

"No, I can't see because this thing's in the way. Just go back to sleep. I have it under control."

"No, I'm fine. I just needed a quick kip," Rose said. "How long we been stopped?"

"Only a few minutes," the Doctor said.

Rose frowned when she heard soft samba music coming from behind and she turned her head.

"The hillbillies move to Spain then?" she said while the Doctor giggled.

"No. We turned that off for awhile. We were afraid the screaming would wake you up. We're watching Rio. It's cute. It's about this South American parrot that is kidnapped and taken to America and they find out there are only two in the world so they try to mate him with a female and take him back to South America and they escape into the wild. The other birds are singing and dancing. It's got some cool songs."

"Have to watch that one," Rose said.

"Hurray! We moved two feet," the Doctor said, stopping the car after moving it slightly.

It took them about a half hour to finally get past the obstruction. When the truck sped up, the Doctor saw a red Mazda had slammed into the guardrail to their left. The front was all crumpled up and he could see paramedics working on a woman who was lying on a back brace on the ground.

"I hope she's alright," Rose said, staring at the woman along with everyone else before the Doctor picked up sped and drove on.

She settled back in her seat and listened to the movie. Soon, her eyelids drooped again and the Doctor rubbed her forearm while she slipped off into Slumberland again.


	58. Chapter 58

Chapter Fifty Eight

"Rose, we're here."

Rose opened her eyes when the Doctor gently shook her shoulder. She noticed they were nearing a city.

"Phoenix?" she said.

"Yes. Gotta find a slip road and find the airport. I thought we could drop the car off there and take the bus, try to find something fun to do before we call the TARDIS to us."

"Sounds good to me," Rose said, straightening up in her seat.

The Doctor took the next exit, went down the off-ramp and found a McDonalds. He told everyone to wait while he went inside for directions to the airport before he got out and went inside. He came out ten minutes later with a small McDonald's sack and got in the car.

"French fries for all," he said, passing out four boxes of fries among them, "and I got directions to the airport. "

They ate their fries while the Doctor made his way to the airport. Once he , he found someone at the waiting area and asked where the car rental places were. Rose laughed when he got the directions and drove off and the Doctor gave her a quizzical look.

"Man asking for directions. That's not s'posed to happen," she teased.

"I'm not human so it doesn't apply to me," the Doctor said, winking.

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

After dropping the car off at Avis, they took a shuttle back to the airport. The Doctor asked about buses and he was told that the shuttle would take him to a light rail station that would bring them into downtown and the central station. The Doctor thanked him and they stayed on until the shuttle stopped at a parking lot next to the light rail station. The station was in the middle of a road. It was a long concrete platform with a steel partition down the middle of it. On either side were steel chairs and on each side was an electronic sign that gave the time. Everyone hurried across the road and walked up a short concrete ramp that led up to the platform. At the entrance to the platform was a ticket dispenser for the train and the buses. The Doctor got everyone day passes and passed them out.

"The next westbound train will arrive in…five minutes," a female voice said from speakers hidden in the electronic sign. It was followed by the same message in Spanish.

"I think west is where we need to go," the Doctor said, pointing to the skyscrapers off in the distance.

"Westbound train goes to Phoenix," Rose said, pointing to a sign on the side of the partition. "East goes to Tempe and Mesa."

"Brilliant. Just in time then," the Doctor said.

"The next eastbound train will arrive in…five minutes," the female voice said followed by the translation in Spanish.

"I asked the bloke at Avis about things to do and he gave me a few ideas. We can find out where everything is at the central station," the Doctor said.

"Just let it be inside. This is horrible," Rose said as she blanched at the intense heat. "I'm glad it doesn't get this hot in England."

"It doesn't bother me," the Doctor said smugly. "I'm not human."

"The next westbound train is arriving in…two minutes," the voice said.

"We'll all be dead by then," Jack said, standing in the shade cast by the partition while Ianto stood beside him.

"Oh, you babies. It's nice, better than freezing your balls off," the Doctor said to him.

"Freezing sounds good right now," Rose said.

They saw the train coming towards them. It was long and streamlined and silver. The train operator dinged a bell as he slowed down and pulled into the station. There were two trains hitched together and the four of them got into the second train when the doors slid open. Inside there were two person seats facing the front of the train while three person seats were positioned on the other side, facing the two person seats. Behind the two person seats was one three person seat and behind all of it was a higher level with more two person seats. There was a corridor that led to another section that was like theirs and in between in the corridor were three person seats facing each other on either side of it and overhead racks for bicycles. One bike was hanging off the rack by its front wheel while two people sat beside it. In the other section were three more people sitting on the upper level. The Doctor and Rose sat down in the front two person seat while Jack and Ianto sat behind them. Rose sighed with relief when the air-conditioning hit her face. The doors slid closed and there was more dinging as the train started slowly and gained speed as it left the platform.

There were doors on both sides of the trains and on the right hand side, there was a map of the stops above that door. The Doctor got up and held onto a black rail while he studied it. He looked over at a young Indian woman who was sitting by herself in one of the three person seats. He went over to her and sat down beside her. He introduced himself and found out her name was Lynda. He spoke to her and pointed to the map and asked where the central station was and where they were supposed to get off. He also asked if there were any museums or tourist attractions along the light rail and found out there was an art museum near one of the platform stations.

"Wanna go to the art museum?" he asked his friends. "We wouldn't have to get off and find a bus."

"I do," Rose said. "I like the air-conditioning in here."

"Sounds good to me," Ianto said, nodding.

"Eh, art museum? Let's go find a gladiator battle!" Jack said.

"Don't mind him, he's crazy," the Doctor said to Lynda.

He thanked her and went over and sat back down beside Rose.

XOXOXOXOXOX

They went past the central station for two more stops and got out near the main library. The museum was just down the street and they walked down the ramp towards the exit while the train went on.

"Now the heat is starting to get to me," Jack said, wiping sweat from his brow.

"Well, if I can find a scythe, I'll slice your face off and that'll solve the problem," the Doctor said as he and Rose walked behind him.

"Look at Ianto, he's dressed to the nines and he doesn't care," Jack said, pointing to Ianto in front of him.

Ianto was wearing brown trousers, a pink shirt, black tie and brown jacket. Jack caught up to him and noticed sweat was beading on his brow. Jack knewPhoenixwould be hot so he left his coat in the TARDIS. He wasn't used to the familiar feel of his coat covering him but he was glad he left it since the heat was sweltering. He looked back at the Doctor wearing his pinstriped suit. He noticed no sweat was on his brow and he was insanely jealous of him.

When they got to the exit, they crossed the street and turned left, heading for the museum. They crossed one more street and walked about a block to get to the entrance. Rose gasped again when they got inside.

"Never will complain about the bloody weather in England again," she gasped as she wiped the sweat off her brow. "Why would anyone wanna live here?"

"On the other hand, the winters are very mild," Jack said to her.

"Yeah but you can't enjoy the winter because you die during the summer of heat stroke," Rose said.

They walked up to the front desk and after paying for the tickets, they got a guide to the museum and headed for the lift.


	59. Chapter 59

Chapter Fifty Nine

The lift door opened and the Doctor flounced out into the gallery across the way.

"Okay!" he said, pointing around. "I painted that, I painted that, I painted that, I sculpted that!"

"Oh no," Jack groaned while Rose and Ianto laughed. "I have a feeling it was a bad idea bringing him here."

The Doctor chuckled and walked up to the nearest painting. A large Renaissance painting of the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus. Mary was standing and holding her baby in the crook of her arm while gold foil haloes radiated from their heads. The Doctor's friends walked up and stood by him while he studied it.

"I always hate the way they make Baby Jesus look more adult than child in these old paintings," Jack said. "It's creepy. Still, I prefer this period to modern art. Throwing paint on a canvas does nothing for me."

He walked further into the gallery with Ianto while Rose stayed with the Doctor. The gallery contained paintings from the Renaissance, landscapes, portraits and near the back Southwest and Hispanic artwork. The gallery was large with paintings on all sides and sculptures in the middle. As they walked further into the gallery, Rose saw a huge painting at the very back that took up most of the wall. They kept to the front though while Jack and Ianto started at the back. Rose followed the Doctor while they stopped at each painting and examined it for a moment before moving on. Rose looked at the notes for each painting but couldn't recognize any of the artists. When she told the Doctor that, he shrugged.

"Europe probably has most of the biggies," he said. "I've been reading the plaques as well and most of these seem to be Mexican and Hispanic artists. Probably people native to the area or around the area. Probably won't find a Van Gogh here. Still, the artwork is still beautiful."

Rose nodded. The Doctor occasionally pointed out something in a painting to her or explained something but Rose was mainly listening to his voice while she stayed near to him.

Meanwhile, Ianto and Jack were at the back examining the Indian and Hispanic artwork. They paused by a large portrait of a young Apache woman in traditional dress.

"I admire the skill of artists who can produce something like this," Ianto said. "Wish I could do it."

"Take a painting class."

"When? I'm busy nearly all the time," Ianto said.

"I've heard the Doctor boast about having studied under Rembrandt and Michelangelo. If he can do it so can you. Besides, he has a time machine. We could drop you off in Renaissance Italy so you could study under Raphael and come back when you're finished."

He paused.

"And by Raphael, I mean the artist, not the turtle," he quipped.

"I'd rather admire the artwork of others," Ianto said with a shrug. "I'm an artist when it comes to making coffee. That's my canvas."

"Can't argue with that," Jack said.

Ianto felt Jack move behind him and slip his arms around him.

"On the other hand," Jack breathed into his ear. "Perhaps I should take a class. I would love to be able to paint a portrait of you…naked."

Ianto felt his cock stiffen at Jack's sensual voice. Jack chuckled in his ear when he sensed it too.

"I could ask the Doctor to take you to Renaissance Italy and get our portrait painted," Jack purred in his ear. "The two of us naked or dressed as Greek Gods. I believe that subject matter was popular at the time."

"Jack, not here, you'll get us tossed out the front door," Ianto said.

"Only saying…" Jack said innocently before kissing his cheek. "Just be glad you're with me and not the Doctor. Poor Rose, the Doctor has this gorgeous woman and he's a cold fish when it comes to her."

"I wouldn't say that," Ianto said, looking over his shoulder at him.

"I don't see them getting intimate like we do."

Ianto gave him an "Are you kidding me look?"

"Maybe his idea of intimacy involves more than shagging," Ianto said. "You don't see the hand holding, the looks, the touches that pass between them. I think they're very intimate with one another. Just because Rose isn't flinging herself on his penis doesn't mean they aren't sensual. Go back up to the front and watch them, they follow each other around, they're rarely leave each other's side and one waits for the other to come back if they leave. The Doctor's always touching Rose somewhere and whispering and giggling. In many ways, what they do is more sensual than just fucking each other's brains out."

"But you love the fucking as well, right?"

Ianto grinned.

"But who's to say they're not doing that as well when you're not looking?" he said.

"Damn! Oh, to be a fly on the wall in the Doctor's bedroom," Jack sighed as he let go of Ianto and took his hand.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

As Jack and Ianto made their way slowly to the front of the gallery, the Doctor and Rose worked their way to the back. As Jack and Ianto got closer to the Doctor, he could pick up snippets of their conversation. The Doctor seemed to be commenting on the use of color and Rose was admiring the beauty of a dark haired woman who was wearing a blue, ruffled off the shoulder dress in a large portrait painting.

"I love the way the artist blends the color to create the effect of light on the skin. Genius," the Doctor was saying while he pointed to the woman's cheeks.

"I wonder who she was. The plaque just says it's a young woman in blue dress," Rose said. "She was beautiful."

Jack chuckled. He dashed over to the painting.

"Lily! My little saloon ho! Where have you been all my life?" he said when he reached the woman.

He kissed the air near her cheek and Rose laughed when he ran back to Ianto.

"Does that answer your question about the woman's identity, Rose?" he heard the Doctor said while Rose giggled.

Jack and Ianto walked over to them.

"Ah, a classic beauty. Very elegant looking. I'd say she was an aristocrat," Jack said, studying the woman. "She has that posh look about her."

"We saw one of Lady…can't think of her full name but she was crying. You can see the tear on her cheek.

"Probably someone I had and left. Love em and leave em, that's my motto."

"I believe it!" the Doctor said while Rose laughed.

"There's an interesting painting on the back wall. Some sort of combination Catholic/Aztec procession with a crucified Jesus in the center."

The crowd consists of priest and Aztecs wearing skull and animal masks," Ianto added.

"I saw it when we came in here, the colors really stand out," Rose said.

"Yeah, it's vibrant colors, just very odd but you're on your way back so you'll see it," Jack said.

"Have you ever seen that painting of the gladiator about to kill someone and he's looking to the crowd and their thumbs are down?" Rose said.

"Think so, sounds familiar," Jack said.

"It's near the front. I thought I saw it once in a museum inEurope. We thought it might be on loan."

"Or it's a copy," the Doctor said sinisterly.

" copying famous works of art for their museum?" Jack said, feigning shock.

"They also have a copy of Rodin's The Kiss as well," the Doctor said.

"Probably they were thinking, gee, we suck, we have no famous artists here in our fine museum. Let's forge a few and the stupid American tourists won't know the difference," Jack said.

"We also found a room that went off the main gallery and decided to see what was in it," the Doctor said.

"It's brilliant. This woman went to Europe and collected miniature period furniture from different eras and made these little rooms with them. You look through this window and you see these rooms from 1700's to about the 1930's and they have little books and magazines and paintings in them," Rose said. "It even said she made her own rugs for her dioramas."

"Ianto. Interested?" Jack said.

"Yes, where is it?"

They showed them the way to a passageway off of the main gallery. They went into a smaller room that had thick brown walls on either side with display windows spaced evenly along them. There was a small carpet covered step that ran along the walls but Jack and Ianto stood and bent over, peering in at the little miniature rooms. The Doctor and Rose went back out while Jack and Ianto admired the dioramas.

XOXOXOXOXO

When they were finished, they looked around for another gallery. They found another passageway but it led to a wide atrium with a few benches so they went back.

"I guess that's it for this floor," Jack said.

They got back inside the lift and went back down to the ground floor. They stepped out and looked around. There was a gallery behind them and a passageway off to the left. They tried the one on the left first but the gallery was under renovation and all they saw was Asian Collection painted on one wall in cursive script. They saw a double door up ahead and a black man wearing a security guard's uniform standing beside it. When they walked up to see where it led, the man smiled and opened one door for them. But when they went inside, they stopped short when they realized they were in a café.

"Ooops," Jack said as they all turned and walked back to the door.

The guard gave them a strange look and didn't open the door for them. The Doctor opened the door and they walked through.

"Sorry," Jack said sheepishly as they walked past, "we thought it was another gallery."

"Oh," the guard muttered.

They walked back to the front desk and looked around but there seemed to be just one gallery left.

"So, two galleries and that's it. That sucks," Jack said as they walked inside it. "You could spend hours in the British Museum or the Louvre and we've been here, what, an hour?"

The gallery wasn't a permanent exhibit and they realized the theme of it was artwork done with paper and on paper. Jack put his hands behind his back, bored with the collection and he noticed the Doctor looked a bit bored as well. He stopped when he noticed something familiar. A pop art drawing of a comic book fighter plane and the pilot inside it blowing up something in front of him.

"They are copying artwork," he said, when he saw a copy of Ray Lichtenstein's Whaam on the wall to his right. That's at the Tate Modern, I've seen it personally."

"It's because this exhibit is giving examples of artwork done on paper from all over the world," the Doctor said. "I've seen several other examples of artwork I've seen in the past. Plus, the plaque on the wall beside Whaam tells you this is a copy. So don't worry, Jack, they're not forging artwork and passing it off as their own."

"This is boring though," Jack said, making a face. "I like actual paintings, not scribbles on pieces of paper."

The Doctor grinned at Rose. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a small pad of post it notes and a pencil. He drew a crude cat face on the post it note, pulled it off the pad and stuck it on the wall beside Whaam.

"I did done art," the Doctor said as he walked away.

Rose laughed and snatched the post it note off the wall.

"That's a crappy cat, I coulda done better blindfolded," Jack teased as he took the post it note from Rose and looked at it.

"I did done art so don't diss my did done art," the Doctor said over his shoulder.

He paused and looked up at some paper dresses decorated with Vote For Nixon or Andy Warhol's Campbell Soup cans.

"Look, these dresses are made of paper," the Doctor said to Rose when she came up beside him. "That Nixon one was worn by women who were supporting him."

"Bit dangerous," Rose said.

"In what way?" the Doctor said.

"If someone hated Nixon, they could run up and tear the dress off your body. Bit dangerous to wear it around certain people," she said.

"But then it would get kinky which is better than Nixon."

"Jack is behind me, isn't he?" the Doctor said to Rose.

"Yup," Rose said while Jack poked the Doctor playfully in the back of the neck

"I would like to see you wear a paper dress that says, Jack is my boy toy," Jack said to the Doctor.

"I would like to see you wear a paper dress that says, set fire to me and watch me come back to life," the Doctor replied.

Jack poked Rose in the arm when she giggled at that. She turned and smiled as she followed the Doctor to the next group of artwork.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

"You first."

"No, you first."

The four of them finished seeing everything and were standing just inside the front door.

"You first," Jack said to Rose as he gestured to the door.

"No, you first, it's scorching out there. I'm not going out first."

"Ladies, first," Jack said.

"Age before beauty," Rose replied.

The Doctor looked at Ianto.

"This will go on for ages, won't it?" the Doctor said to Ianto.

"Probably," Ianto said.

The Doctor opened the door and went outside. He turned and looked in at everyone through the glass wall.

"You second," Jack teased.

"No, you second," Rose teased back.

"Okay, we go out on the count of three," Jack said. "Really, everyone?" he added as the Doctor tapped his foot impatiently. "One…two…three!"

They opened the door and walked out.

"Oh Christ!" Rose said when the air hit her face. "Remote control for the TARDIS now!"

"Yeah, call the TARDIS to us!" Jack said to the Doctor.

"No, because this wall is glass and everyone inside can see us including security. The heat won't kill ya. Come on, we'll find a more secluded spot."

They walked down a ramp and Rose gasped when they stepped out of the shade into the sun.

"Blimey, I'm glad I don't live here permanently," Rose said, fanning herself with her hand. "How can anyone stand this heat?"

"The cannibal hillbillies have the right idea. Stay in the forest where it's nice and shady," Jack said.

The Doctor beckoned to them to follow him for a bit so they could get away from the glass wall. They headed back towards the light rail and nearly got to it when they heard someone scream "HEY!" behind them. They turned around and saw a bedraggled black man screaming at the air about ten feet away.

"YOU FUCKING BITCH!" the man was screaming. "I'LL SLIT YOUR THROAT, YOU FUCKING WHORE!"

The three men looked at one another and Jack put his hands behind his back and stepped in front of Rose while the Doctor and Ianto flanked her. They watched while the man screamed out curses about slitting some whore's throat. Then suddenly, his eyes fell on Rose and she stiffened when he started towards her. Jack brought his hands around his body, ready to defend her if necessary. But the man suddenly adopted a friendly demeanor.

"Hello," he said sweetly to them. "Can you spare some change?"

The four of them were thrown by the sudden change in his temperament. The Doctor fished in his pocket and found a five dollar bill. He stepped around Jack and gave it to the man.

"Thank you so much, sir. Bless you," the man gushed to the Doctor.

"Not a problem. Now go and get out of the heat. Get a cup of coffee or something and relax," the Doctor said.

The man nodded and thanked everyone. He turned away, took several steps and suddenly he was screaming at the air again about killing some slut.

"The human mind is a strange thing," Jack said, shaking his head.

"Why do you think I'm so fascinated with humans?" the Doctor said. "Come on."

They walked around the art museum to the car park, made sure no one was looking and the Doctor pulled out a silver box and pressed a button.

"Yes!" Rose said when they heard a familiar wheezing and the TARDIS appeared beside them.

The Doctor opened it and they piled inside, glad that the interior was air-conditioned. The Doctor closed the door and a few moments later the TARDIS dematerialized and vanished.


	60. Chapter 60

Chapter Sixty

Jack snickered as he and Ianto stood near the door that led into the console room. The Doctor was repairing something underneath the console, his left foot flicking lazily while he lay on the grate and did his repairs.

"Now it's my turn to have some fun with the little schlub," Jack said to Ianto. "I'm gonna completely confuse the hell outta the poor bastard."

"Just as long as he doesn't section you," Ianto said.

"Section me for what? Being a dumbass? I've watched him be a bigger dumbass than I can ever be so if he sections me for this, he'll have to go in alongside me. Now just keep to the shadows and watch."

"Watch what?" Rose said as she walked up to them. "Fantasizing about the man you can't have?"

"Yes and his lithe little bod," Jack said. "Just watch the fun. I'm gonna play a game called confuse the hell outta the Time Lord. Stay here with Ianto and don't make any noise."

"You know he's doing repairs, right?" Rose said when she looked into the console room. "And he might not appreciate the interruption? Remember the time you interrupted him in his ninth life and he nearly rammed a spanner up your nose?"

"That was Mister Grumpy Pants, this incarnation is Mister Funtime!" Jack said. "Now stay here and watch while I do my thing."

"I have a feeling his "thing" is about to get him killed," Rose said to Ianto when Jack walked out into the console room.

XOXOXOXOXOX

The Doctor smiled when he finished soldering another wire into place. He finished repairing the harmonic transducer. The device had been going a bit wonky lately and he had to put his ship into the vortex so he could fix it. He lowered his sonic and surveyed his handiwork.

"A-OOOOOOOO-GAH!"

The Doctor jerked his head up when he heard Jack howl and he saw him flinging his greatcoat onto the jump seat.

"Let's get this pah-tay started!" he said before he began to wiggle his hips furiously.

The Doctor slid out of the way of the console and sat up, watching while Jack strutted around the room in a circle while he sang a song…

I'm the greatest thing on Earth," he sang while he strutted. "The heavens sang when my mum gave birth! I want to shimmy my little butt because I am a shameless slut!"

He moved his hips around while he put his hands on his head. The Doctor watched in shock as he pranced around, thrusting his groin out while he chanted, "CHUNKY MONKEY, CHUNKY MONKEY!" over and over.

"Jack, are you feeling well?" the Doctor said, standing up.

"I'm feeling well, that is no lie," Jack sang as he strutted around. "From the top of my head to my luscious thigh. Now come over here and give me a lick and wiggle around on my pogo stick!"

Just beyond the back door, Ianto and Rose were trying not to laugh as Jack began to dance around the Doctor.

"Ooo, my Doctor, you're so dear! Just get me drunk on booze and beer. We'll have fun all night and day. Bonk me till I want to bray!"

"Jack, I'm suspecting a severe head injury of some sort," the Doctor said. "Or you were hit with some sort of sexual perversion ray perhaps?"

"I AM GOD'S GIFT TO TIME LORDS!" Jack said as he stopped and squealed in a high-pitched voice. "AND I WANT THE LAST OF THEM AS A TROPHY! SO COME AND BE MY LOVE SLAVE, YOU HUNKY TIME LORD, YOU!"

"NOOO!" the Doctor said as Jack sashayed towards him.

"I am God's gift to you! So jump on me and screw, screw, screw!" Jack sang, squealing the last three words while he slowly chased the Doctor around the console room.

"TARDIS! Protect me from the sex fiend before he rapes me!" the Doctor yelled at the ceiling.

There was a flash and Jack stopped short when the TARDIS encased the Doctor in a force field bubble. The Doctor folded his arms over his chest and gave Jack a smug look.

"Ha!" the Doctor said.

Jack touched the bubble and gasped when it gave him a shock.

"See, no more threat of rape," the Doctor said.

He shut up when Jack grinned and began to take his clothes off in front of him.

"I'm gonna dooo a stripteeeeease!" he squealed while he threw his shirt onto the jump seat.

"Jack, don't you dare!" the Doctor said.

"I'm a slut!" Jack yelled as he pulled down the zipper on his trousers. "I'm a shameless slut and you're my man whore!"

The Doctor's head jerked to the back door when he heard Rose laughing.

"Tyler, get your arse in here and stop him!" he yelled as Jack eased his trousers down to his ankles.

"What's wrong, man whore, don't like the goods?" Jack said, pointing to his genitals.

"Rose, quit laughing, damn it, and get in here now before you lose your time traveling privileges forever!"

"Yeah!" Jack said, taking his trousers off and swinging them over his head. "You like this, don't ya, man whore? Filthy dirty alien man whore!"

The Doctor pointedly turned and folded his arms over his chest while he tried to ignore Jack. He heard Rose laughing hysterically just beyond the console room and he was thinking up ways to get back at her for her lack of assistance when Jack came around the bubble, clad in nothing except his y-fronts.

"How-do, man whore!" Jack said. "I guess you were just dazzled at the sight of my baloney pony and had to turn away to recover from the shock of seeing its grandeur. But don't worry, my kitten, I'll go easy on you."

"I can take you back to the Hub, you know," the Doctor said. "Perhaps Owen would like your baloney pony more."

"Nah, Owen's a stuck up bitch! You, on the other hand, are my willing man whore!"

"Rose! I'm giving you ten seconds to stop laughing and get the hell in here!" the Doctor yelled over his shoulder.

"Why d'ya want Rose? Fancy a three way, little kitty cat?" Jack purred.

"No, I fancy putting your head in a guillotine and watching it roll when I drop the blade."

"Ooo, sounds kinky. Which head are you referring to? This one?" Jack said, thrusting his crotch at the Doctor.

The Doctor almost cracked a smile but he managed to keep a passive expression while Jack turned, thrust out his butt and began to wiggle it.

"My ass is alive and it has a life of its own!" Jack said as he pointed at his wiggling butt. "Come and worship it!"

"Rose! Get inside here!" the Doctor yelled to the ceiling.

There was a flash and Rose gasped when the TARDIS transmatted her inside the bubble.

"Hullo," the Doctor said to her as he put his hands in his trouser pockets. "Now that you're here, let's discuss your refusal to help me with this!" he said, pointing to Jack who was now slapping his ass while he wiggled it.

"I was laughing too hard to help ya properly," Rose said.

"Ooo!" Jack said, quickly touching the bubble. "Shocks me, makes me even more horny for the man whore inside it!"

"Why me?" the Doctor said, his eyes going skyward while Rose giggled. "Why does the universe continuously shit on my head?"

"There's shit on your head?" Jack said, stopping for a moment. "Oh, so that's why your hair is spiky."

Rose bent over laughing while Jack continued to boogie around the force bubble. The Doctor suddenly closed his eyes and thought to his TARDIS. While he did this, a bright light surrounded Jack and he had time to yelp before he disappeared.

"Ah, much better," the Doctor said as the force bubble disappated.

"Where'd he go?" Rose said to him.

"Oh, I sent him to Coventry," the Doctor said.

"Given him the silent treatment then?" Rose said.

"No. I actually sent him to Coventry," the Doctor said. "Teach him a lesson. Now…I will ask the TARDIS to take us to Coventry two minutes after he arrived and…"

The TARDIS changed course. By now, Ianto had come out of hiding and came up beside Rose. The Doctor asked them to follow him and when the TARDIS stopped he walked to the door. He opened it and they heard angry shouts and screams of "PERVERT!" seconds before Jack sprinted into the TARDIS, still in his underwear.

"Damn you, Time Lord!" Jack said, ducking an apple that someone threw into the open door.

"Just letting people see how much of a man whore you are, Jack," the Doctor said, closing the door. "Now perhaps you'll think twice before doing your burlesque act again."

"Told ya you'd regret it!" Rose said, patting Jack on the shoulder before she and Ianto walked out of the room.

"I changed my mind, you're still Mister Grumpy Pants," Jack muttered before he followed them out of the room.


	61. Chapter 61

Chapter Sixty One

"Hello, everyone. I am Captain Jack Harkness," Jack said, standing in a stark white room while he addressed the fanfic reading audience. "I knew you were expecting another hilarious adventure with me, Ianto, the Doctor and Rose but I just can't take it anymore. I have to file a protest with the writer of this fanfiction about my behavior in these stories. The woman writing these stories is making me look like some sort of out of control, weirdo, sex fiend when I'm really not. Okay, so I do have an eye for the ladies…and the men…and aliens but that's what we did in the fifty first century, we loved. That didn't mean I was running around in my undies slapping my ass and chanting chunky monkey or whatever the hell the writer was making me do in that last story. Come to think of it, why am I even in these stories? I didn't meet the Doctor again till he was with Martha and Ianto never met him face to face and he certainly never traveled with him as a companion. My guess is the writer just said to hell with canon and did what she wanted. I suppose Ianto will have donkey ears and a tail next, which might not be so bad come to think of it. Anyway, I'm here to set the record straight and show everyone what I'm really like. I am a cultured man, elegant and refined and a lover of fine literature, wine and classical music. I do not jump around the Doctor and scream chunky monkey into his face. That is so not me. So…"

Jack walked out of eyesight and returned a few minutes later pushing a brown leather high back chair in front of him. He put the chair in the middle of the room and picked up a black leather bound book that was resting on it. He then snapped his fingers and Beethoven's Ninth Symphony began to play from a speaker above his head.

"That's better, more in sync with my character," Jack said. "Now I shall entertain you fanfic reading masses with a chapter from David Copperfield here," he said, pointing to the book.

He reached into his pocket, took out some wire rimmed reading glasses and sat down in the chair.

"Now…" he said, looking at the audience, "chapter one, I am born…Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show. To begin my life with the beginning of my life, I record that I was born…quack, quack, quack…"

Jack jerked his head up when his reading voice was suddenly replaced by quacking sounds.

"Ma may me mo moo," Jack said, testing his voice and finding it had returned. "Okay, I believe the writer of this fanfic is screwing with me and trying to stop me from being myself. I will, however, defy her and continue to read to you, the fanfic audience, because I will not become a base stereotype and…"

Jack trailed off when there was a sudden flash beside him and the Doctor and Ianto appeared. Both were clad only in flower garlands that were draped around their naked bodies and both wore flower wreaths on their heads. They had a hold of each other's hands and were dancing around in a circle a few feet from Jack's face. Jack looked at them and shook his head.

"No, I will not be tempted by pleasures of the flesh. I am not a wanton whore, I am an intellect…ual…" he said as he caught sight of the Doctor's ample buttcheeks mere inches from his face.

He stared, entranced at the naked dancers when suddenly there was a flash on his other side and Rose appeared, butt naked, beside him. Rose grabbed underneath her breast and began heaving them up and down while chanting "Bouncy, bouncy," over and over.

"I am not an animal. I will not be tempted by this lustful display!" Jack yelled out as the nakedness around him continued. "I am an intellectual. I will not be moved by base pleasures of the flesh!"

Jack slammed the book shut and held it close to his body, trembling with the extreme effort he was making not to pounce on all the nakedness around him.

"I will not succumb!" Jack said as the Doctor and Ianto danced and Rose heaved her breasts up and down. "I will not give in to temptation. I am better than this! I am stronger. I am…A DAMN FOOL FOR PASSING THIS UP!" he yelled as he lost all control of his senses and threw the book aside. "ORGY TIME, KIDDIES!" he yelled as his three friends laughed and ran off, yelling at him to come and get them.

Jack started to run and the paused with one foot in the air when he glanced at the audience watching.

"Eh, fuck canon!" he said before screaming out "Wait for me! I want some of that!" and running off after his naked friends.


	62. Chapter 62

Chapter Sixty Two

"Shopping?" Jack said with a raised eyebrow. "Of all the adventures we could have and we're going shopping. Was this Blondie's idea?"

Everyone was standing in the console room with the Doctor. The Doctor was holding a small burlap bag out to them. Inside it was numerous small slips of paper. On each slip, he wrote a year.

"No, this is my idea. I thought we could use a rest after our adventures and to make it interesting, I cut up slips of paper. On each slip I wrote one year between 1970 and 2010. I shook up the bag and now one of you will pick a slip of paper and read me the year. Whatever year you pick is the year we will be going to."

"One condition," Ianto said.

"And that condition is?" the Doctor said.

"Whatever year comes up, we all have to dress in the styles appropriate to that year," Ianto said.

"Ah, interesting. A bit of dressing up to make it more fun?"

"No, a bit of dressing up because I'd like to blend into the crowd for once," Ianto said.

"P'shaw, that's boring. Still, we will do as Ianto suggests and dress in the clothes popular for that year."

"Dear God, please don't let us choose any year when disco was popular," Rose said to the ceiling.

"Tyler! You just volunteered by opening your mouth," the Doctor said, holding out the bag to her.

Rose groaned and reached into the bag. She felt around for a moment before pulling out a slip of paper. Not bearing to look she handed it to Jack. He opened it up and chuckled when he read the date. Rose looked over and could see the light shining though it.

"1984?" Rose said to the Doctor.

"Problem with that?" the Doctor said to her. "I believe by that time disco was dead so you don't have to wear a polyester leisure suit and afro."

"I had a polyester leisure suit when I lived through 1977," Jack said. "It was the era of Star Wars and Saturday Night Fever and I met this Sailor named Skippy who took the leisure suit off me and…"

Both the Doctor and Ianto slammed their hands over Jack's mouth at the same time.

"What?" Jack said through their hands. "Skippy was a nice guy."

"So what do we do now?" Rose said to the Doctor.

"Just to make it fair. TARDIS, dress us in clothes appropriate to Earth year 1984."

A flash surrounded everyone and when it vanished, everyone stared at the Doctor. He was dressed in clothes Michael Jackson wore in his Thriller video. Jack had on purple parachute pants, a white t-shirt with a purple leather jacket and matching purple fedora. He also had a clip on animal tooth earring on his left ear and he was wearing black high top sneakers. Ianto rolled his eyes when he looked at himself. He was dressed in a day glo orange track suit and black sneakers.

"I look like a nightmare," Ianto said.

Rose was dressed like Jennifer Beals in Flashdance. She was wearing a purple sweatshirt with the collar ripped off, black trousers, purple high top sneakers and purple sparkly leg warmers. Her hair had also been teased up until it was a foot off her head. Rose looked at the Doctor and groaned when she saw the rhinestone socks.

"No, not the sparkly socks!" she said to him.

"What? This is Michael Jackson's outfit from the Thriller video."

"No socks!" Rose said.

"What about me? Can I get something a bit less garish?" Ianto said, pointing to the track suit.

A flash of light surrounded Ianto. Now he was wearing a day glo yellow track suit rather than an orange one.

"Great, I'll be walking around the shopping center like a huge lemon," Ianto said.

The Doctor asked the TARDIS to lose the socks. There was a flash around his feet and the rhinestone socks were replaced with plain cotton ones.

"Better?" the Doctor said to her.

"Well, let's see…I look like Jennifer Beals on crack, Ianto looks like a radioactive lemon, Jack looks like a pimp and you look like Michael Jackson, I suppose this is as good as it gets for 1984 then."

"I do not look like a pimp," Jack said.

He grinned and flicked at her gel hardened hair.

"Damn, you could run Rose through a brick wall with this hair," he said, looking at Ianto. "Gah!" he said, covering his eyes when he caught sight of his track suit. "Boy, I hope I don't go blind by the end of the day."

"At least I don't look like some wannabe breakdancer," Ianto said.

Jack tried to do the electric slide for him. Ianto snorted when he failed miserably at it and gave up. Then suddenly the Doctor was holding another bag under their noses.

"We're not doing 1984?" Jack said.

"No, this bag contains destinations on Earth. We're choosing a place to go shopping. Rose chose the year so you or Ianto choose the location."

"Please don't let it be Cardiff. I don't want to go back in 2008 and have people remember me in this outfit," Ianto muttered as Jack reached into the bag.

He pulled out a slip of paper and opened it up.

"Atlanta, Georgia," he said, reading it. "Nice. I've been to Atlanta before. Course that was in 1882, not 1984."

The Doctor took the bag from him and put it on the jump seat next to the other bag.

"So…Atlanta, Georgia, 1984," he said, inputting the destination.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

The TARDIS landed in Atlanta in an alley near Ponce De Leon Avenue. It was July and the temperature was sweltering. They stepped out of the alley onto a sidewalk and instantly Ianto felt conspicuous when he noticed no one was wearing what he was wearing.

"I wanna change my clothes," Ianto said to everyone. "No one out here is wearing a track suit. Besides, it's 900 degrees and I'll sweat to death!"

"He's got day glo colors on," the Doctor said, pointing to a man wearing a day glo blue t-shirt, jeans and matching day glo blue socks.

"Not like this! Why can't I wear something like him?" Ianto said. "Not everyone dressed like a circus clown that year."

"Fine, you can change. Just so we can get on with it," the Doctor said.

Ianto ran in and emerged a moment later wearing something similar to the man's outfit. He sighed with relief when the Doctor closed the door behind him.

"Damn, I was growing quite fond of the lemon look," Jack said.

They walked towards a four way intersection. The Doctor, not sure how many cashpoints would be in Atlanta at this time had asked the TARDIS to supply them some money before leaving and she had given him one thousand dollars. They were trying to find a bus stop so they could go find a shopping center and they noticed one was across the street so they stopped at the intersection and waited for the light to change. While they were waiting, a blue van pulled up and stopped. Rose glanced casually at it and then she took a longer look when she noticed the driver was butt naked. There were a couple of other people in the van, a man and a woman and they looked naked too. Rose tapped the Doctor on the arm. The Doctor was watching a punk couple sitting on a bench just down the road. When he looked at her, she pointed at the window and the Doctor's eyes bulged when he saw the man getting up, butt naked, from the passenger seat and exchanging it with the naked woman. The sides of the van had no windows so it was hard to tell what was going on but by now, everyone was giving the occupants of the van their full attention. While they stared, the driver caught sight of them.

"YEAH, WE'RE NAKED!" he yelled at them before the light changed to green and he drove off.

"Hey, Doctor," Jack said, tapping him on the shoulder.

"No, Jack, we're not hiring a lorry just so we can all get naked and proclaim our nakedness to the world at every traffic light."

"Damn," Jack said while Rose and Ianto giggled. "That would have been interesting."

"Wow, gnarly threads, man."

Jack turned and saw two teenage girls beside him. Both of them were dressed like Madonna during her Like A Virgin days and both of them had their hair teased up like Rose.

"Why, thank you. Love the Madonna outfits," Jack said to them.

"Jack, light's changed," Rose said to him before she started to cross the street with the Doctor and Ianto.

"Madonna is awesome," one of the girls said as they walked with Jack across the street. "We like totally worship her now."

"I like totally like her too," Jack said as they followed the others to the bus stop. "She's totally tubular."

"Toootally," the teenage girl said. "So like what's your name?"

"Jack. And you?"

"I'm Vicki, this is Michelle," she said, gesturing to her friend. "So, are you like from Atlanta then?"

"No, I'm from Cardiff."

Both girls looked confused.

"It's in Wales, next to England," Jack clarified.

"No frickin' way, you're from overseas?" Vicki said. "That is like so bitchin'."

"I know, it is, isn't it. I think it's way awesome," Jack said, flashing his most charming smile at them.

"Jack's gone Valley Girl now," the Doctor said to Rose and Ianto as the three of them sat down on the bench beside the bus stop sign.

"These are like my best friends forever," Jack said to the girls as he pointed to his friends. "This is Rose and Ianto and the Doctor. They're like so totally tubular you could just die!"

"Really?" Michelle said, walking over to the Doctor. "So, are you like from Wales too?"

"No, I'm like from London," the Doctor said while Rose looked at Ianto and nudged him.

"Get outta town! That is soooo wicked! I wanna go to London someday!" Michelle said.

" totally bitchin'," the Doctor said, slipping into Valley Girl mode. "It's sooo much better than the rest of England, I mean the rest of England is so grody, I mean, like gag me with a spoon."

"Fer sure, fer sure," Michelle said, nodding.

By now, Rose and Ianto were both making a supreme effort not to laugh at the Doctor and Jack who were now playing the Valley Girl thing to the hilt.

"So like are you going to the mall?" Jack asked Vicki.

"Yeah, we like wanna go shop and get some bitchin' earrings or a new outfit. We got nothin' else to do today, ya know?" she said.

"Totally. We're going too. Ya wanna, like, come with us?"

"No way, get outta town. You want us to come with you and hang out at the mall?"

"Yeah, come with us and hang out at the mall," Jack said.

"Excuse me," Ianto said, holding up his finger.

"Yeah?" Vicki said.

"What are your ages?" he asked her and Michelle.

"We're sixteen, why?"

"Just wanted Jack to hear that," Ianto said while Rose shook with silent laughter.

"Why do you need to know our ages?" Vicki said to Jack while the others gave each other pointed looks and snickered.

"Nothing, my friend's like a total douchebag sometimes," Jack said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"Well, ditch the douchebag then and come with us," Vicki said.

"Um…hello, I'm within earshot of all of you," Ianto said while Rose's mouth fell open in silent laughter.

"Get lost, spaz, we wanna have some real fun!" Vicki said.

"Um…sorry, he's with us," Jack said to her. "I was kidding about the total douchebag thing. He's fun to be with, fer sure."

Vicki looked unsure about that and Ianto was glad he made the decision to ditch the track suit since he was sure she would have been calling him an even bigger douchbag after seeing it. Vicki told them to wait and she pulled Michelle aside for a whispered conference.

"No," Rose said to Jack.

"What? We could have two guides for the afternoon," Jack said.

"No, you want them to follow you because they paid attention to you," Rose said. "I don't want those airheaded tarts following us everywhere we go."

"Why? Are you afraid they might make a move on your man?" Jack said, gesturing to the Doctor.

"No, I'm afraid I might lose IQ points the longer I'm around them," Rose said.

"Oh come on, they're teenagers. You were a teenager once," Jack said.

"Yes, but I didn't say "like" every other word and act like I was a brainless git."

The Doctor noticed the bus was coming towards them and he signaled for it to stop before he reached into his pocket for some money.

"Ladies, the bus is here," Jack said to them.

"You go on. Like, we'll take the next one," Vicki said.

Jack shrugged. He ignored Rose's muttered "Halleluiah" as the bus stopped in front of them. He waved to the two girls before the bus doors opened and he followed everyone else inside it.


	63. Chapter 63

Chapter Sixty Three

The bus stopped at Lenox Mall near JC Penny. They got out and walked inside the glass double doors. They stopped and looked around. They were at the beginning of the men's department and off to their right was a rack filled with Michael Jackson Thriller and Beat It jackets. Just beyond the rack was a huge banner hanging down from the ceiling. The banner was a huge blow up photo of the Thriller album with a caption underneath Michael that said, shop for Michael Jackson outfits and accessories at JC Penny. Jack walked over to the rack and returned with one of the Beat It jackets. Rose was a bit perplexed when he put it on her.

"There, now you're totally twins!" Jack said, pointing to her and the Doctor.

"I don't think so," Rose said, taking the jacket off and holding it out to Jack.

"What? It's a cool jacket. It'll be worth tons on Ebay when you get back to 2008," Jack said, taking it from her.

He offered it to Ianto. Ianto held up his hand and declined it.

"No one wants to be totally twins with you, Doctor," Jack said to him as he put the jacket back.

"There's you," Rose said.

"No, I already have a cool outfit," Jack said, walking back to them.

They headed further into the store. There were plenty of early 80's fashions including a shelf filled with E.T. shirts and sweatshirts. Jack snickered and held up a navy blue t-shirt. E.T.'s face, neck and shoulders was on it and underneath him was written PHONE HOME in big white letters. Jack walked over to the Doctor with it.

"Oh, this is you," Jack said as the Doctor backed away from it.

"Get that thing away from me," the Doctor said to him.

"What? It's E.T., what's wrong with him?" Jack said.

"What's wrong? What's wrong is E.T. is insulting to aliens everywhere. The thing is ugly, stupid and he let a little girl dress him like a doll and just stood there and took her abuse. I don't want anything to do with him so take the shirt away."

"How dare you? Everyone loves E.T.," Jack said as he put the shirt back. "You have no heart, Doctor!"

The Doctor put his arm around Rose and she giggled when he drew her close.

"You've seen the film, yeah?" he said softly to her.

"E.T.? Yeah, loads of times," Rose said.

"Have I ever gone into someone's house, got drunk on their beer and stumbled around in a stupor?"

"Um, you haven't when I've been with ya. Course there was Reinette."

"I wasn't drunk. I was pretending," the Doctor said. "You didn't notice how quickly I seemed to sober up?"

"No, I was thinking how idiotic the tie looked around your head."

"Tee hee. Anyway, I'm not stupid like E.T. is."

"Soooo," Rose said as they walked away from the shelf. "If I put Reece's Pieces down on the ground, you won't say "Ooo, sweets," and go munch, munch, munch while you follow the trail into my house?"

The Doctor grinned.

"Only if the end of the trail leads to your bedroom and you're naked," he whispered into her ear.

"Down boy," Rose said, patting his cheek.

Jack stopped in the women's department when he saw two mannequins standing on a dais by the pathway. One woman was blonde and the other was brunette, both of them had heavily teased hair and heavy makeup on. One was dressed in a shirt that resembled a sailor's shirt with navy blue slacks and black stilettos. The other one was wearing black slacks with a black t-shirt and gold lame jacket with black stilettos similar to the ones the other woman was wearing. Jack stared hard at them, thinking the mannequins looked a little too realistic.

"Jack, don't sexually assault the shop window dummies please," the Doctor said as he, Rose and Ianto walked up to him.

"I was just thinking they looked odd and…" Jack trailed off when the "dummies" suddenly changed the position of their hands. "Aha, live mannequins," Jack said.

He grunted when the Doctor and Rose seized hold of his arms and pretended to drag him away.

"Like I said, don't assault the shop window dummy impersonators," the Doctor teased.

"Alright, alright, I'll behave. Ladies, nice job with the mannequin routine," he said to them.

The blonde smiled and changed position so she was now miming blowing him a kiss. Jack did the same in return and winked at her before he followed the others towards the exit at the back of the store. They walked out of the store into the mall. They stopped and looked around. The floor was made of linoleum and there were a few fountains and a couple of sitting areas and some plants. Jack scratched his chin while he looked around and then he spied a KB Toy store nearby. He chuckled and walked over to it.

"Yesiree, I can buy things and sell them brand new on Ebay at a premium price," he said as he walked towards it.

"I thought there was something in the Back to the Future films about not using time travel to make a profit?" Rose said to the Doctor.

"Yes, but you do remember he was a conman, yeah?" the Doctor replied. "And we met him when he tried to sell us a Chula ambulance for a premium price? You notice how nothing ever changes with him? Sex and money, sex and money, that's the man's mantra."

They followed him to the front window of KB Toys. In the window were several Ghostbusters toys along with a large framed photo of the movie poster.

JUST ARRIVED, TOYS FROM THE HOTTEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR was written at the bottom of the movie poster.

"Ooo, Ghostbusters! I want a toy proton pack or maybe a ghost trap. Or…I could get me a Stay Puff Marshmallow man toy and irritate the Doctor with it."

"Or maybe I can purchase the ghost trap and stuff you into it," the Doctor said as he and everyone else followed Jack inside the shop.

Inside, Ianto followed Jack while Rose stayed with the Doctor. Rose smiled when she looked at the vintage 80's toys around her. Strawberry Shortcake, Care Bears, Rainbow Brite, Pac Man, Ghostbusters, Gremlins, Rubik's Cubes and other things. Rose glanced at the Doctor and noticed he was just as enchanted as she was. Then suddenly Jack came running down the aisle they were in holding a small plush E.T. in his hands.

"I am the scourge of the universe," Jack said in a deep voice as he thrust E.T. into the Doctor's face. "I am the Doctor's greatest foe! I am evil beyond all reason."

"Bang on, now get that thing away from me," the Doctor said while Rose giggled.

"Here, E.T. needs protection," Jack said, giving it to Rose. "And now…I will find me a Gizmo to play with!"

The Doctor shook his head when Jack ran back out of the aisle. He made a face when he noticed Rose was cuddling the plush doll.

"Traitor," he said to her.

"Be good," Rose said, imitating E.T. while she held it up to him. "I'll be right here!"

She laughed when the Doctor snatched the E.T. from her hand, grabbed a stuffed Ernie from the metal shelf on his right and made E.T. have simulated butt sex with Ernie before throwing them back on the shelf together.

"That was vulgar," Rose chided playfully.

"E.T. is vulgar so it's my statement on how vulgar he is. And Ernie is gay; everyone keeps saying that, so he won't mind a poke up the bum from an alien. Come on then!"

He grinned when Rose bent over laughing and he got behind her and leaned her back up.

"You're evil, you are. Making poor E.T. rape Ernie, shame on you," Rose said, wagging her finger at him.

She laughed when the Doctor raised his eyebrow. He snatched a large Bedtime Bear off the shelf behind Rose and grabbed Rainbow Brite from the shelf behind him and made moaning noises for a moment while he made them have simulated sex. He threw the toys back on the shelf, stuck her tongue out at Rose and strutted away.

"I'm beginning to see why mum thinks you're a bad influence on me," Rose said before following him.

She got to the end of the aisle and gasped when the Doctor ran back into it. Jack followed him holding a blue ball with E.T.'s smiling face on it.

"Your friend and mine, Doctor!" Jack said as he chased him with it.

The Doctor snatched a stuffed Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch off the shelf beside him and held them out to Jack.

"Stop! Or Oscar the Grouch will have plushie sex with Big Bird!" he said.

Jack froze and Rose laughed when he gave the Doctor an odd look.

"Oscar will do what to Big Bird?" he said while Rose laughed harder. "That's disgusting. Don't make Sesame Street people sexually assault each other."

"Then leave me alone with that E.T. ball," the Doctor said.

Jack glanced at the shelves and grabbed a stuffed Grumpy Bear off it.

"Here, this is Deranged Alien Bear," he said, tossing it to the Doctor. "He's angry because he doesn't like deranged aliens. Maybe you can be friends with him."

Rose grabbed a purple bear that had a little gold padlock on its chest.

"This is Secret Bear," she said, giving it to the Doctor. "Tell him all your secrets and he'll listen to you."

The Doctor put Grumpy Bear back on the shelf along with Big Bird and Oscar and took Secret Bear from Rose.

"Hello, Secret Bear," he said, holding the toy to his chest. "I have a secret for you. Human beings are bizarre, especially ones from the 51st century. They like to torment me for no good reason and make me force plushies to commit sodomy with each other. But you won't tell anyone, will ya? Because we're best friends always."

"Geez," Jack said while Rose laughed.

The Doctor cuddled Secret Bear against his cheek while he walked past Rose and Jack.

"I'm glad I found someone I can confide in," the Doctor said to the bear while Rose and Jack followed him. "I need someone here who can sympathize with my need to make plushies rape each other. You won't tell the authorities I do that, will ya, Secret Bear? Because I might have to enslave you to E.T. and make you his sex slave. Or…even worse…Jack's sex slave. You wouldn't like that, would ya, Secret Bear? That would make you cry and I hate crying plushy bears."

"And he thinks I'm insane? At least I don't make plush animals anal rape each other," Jack said to Rose while they followed him towards the front of the store.


	64. Chapter 64

Chapter Sixty Four

Before leaving the store, they searched for Ianto but couldn't find him until Rose looked out the front entrance and noticed he was sitting on a wooden bench twenty feet from the shop. He was munching on a large pretzel on a stick and drinking a soda.

"Sorry, everyone, toy shops don't interest me," Ianto said when everyone walked up to him. "I saw a pretzel trolley and got something to snack on while I waited."

"Good thing you weren't in there, the Doctor was making plush things sodimize each other."

Ianto paused with his half eaten pretzel halfway to his mouth. Rose laughed when an odd look came on his face and he lowered the pretzel.

"You were doing what to plush things?" Ianto said to the Doctor.

"Jack kept shoving E.T. in my face so I became enraged and made him rape Ernie. I know it was awful but I have these hidden demons that I still need to exorcise and one of the demons is my need to make plushies have simulated sex with each other."

"Is he serious?" Ianto said to Rose while Jack grabbed the back of the bench and laughed hysterically.

"No. At least I don't think he is," Rose said while the Doctor flashed a cheesy grin. "Sometimes it's hard to tell, to be honest."

"Well, if you are telling the truth, keep your plushie fetish away from my eyes," Ianto said.

He jerked his pretzel away when Jack tried to take a bite of it. Jack gave him a hurt look and whimpered like a puppy while he pointed to it.

"No. The pretzel trolley's over there," Ianto said, pointing to a brightly decorated pretzel wagon that was positioned in front of a fountain. "Go get one if you're hungry."

"Go get one if you're hungry," Jack said mockingly.

He patted Ianto on the shoulder when Ianto gave him a dirty look before he walked towards the trolley.

"Want one? I'll buy," the Doctor said to Rose.

She nodded and they followed Jack to the trolley. There was a man standing behind it and he came around it when they approached. The trolley had a soda dispenser on one side and a glass case with a rotating spit that kept the pretzels warm while they went around. In between the two was a small cash register. Underneath the counter was a small plaque that listed the menu and prices for everything. Jack purchased a pretzel and a Coke. The man retrieved a pretzel with metal tongs and used latex gloves to put it on a wooden stick. He asked Jack if he wanted anything on the pretzel and offered choices of cheddar cheese, cream cheese or garlic butter. Jack chose cheddar cheese and the man dipped a paintbrush into a large container of warm cheddar cheese and put the cheese on one side. He handed it to Jack and then got him a large cup of Coke. He put a lid and a straw in it and Jack handed him ten dollars. He received four dollars in returned and thanked the man before he headed back to Ianto. The Doctor ordered two pretzels and Cokes. Both of them asked for cheddar cheese. Once everything was paid for, the two of them headed back to their friends while they ate and sipped their soda.

"So where should we go next?" Jack said while they sat on the bench and ate their snack. "I was thinking we find the E.T. shop, lock the Doctor inside and watch him slowly go insane."

"I was thinking I could construct a giant metal Pac Man robot that would come after Jack and chomp off his penis. I'd love to see it grow back…if it does," the Doctor said before taking a sip of Coke.

"Neeew moon on Monday when the fire dance through the night," Rose sang.

The Doctor gave her a puzzled look until she pointed out the music overhead was playing Duran Duran's New Moon on Monday.

"I stay the cold day with a lonely satellite," Jack sang back.

"Mum had the CD this song was on when I was growing up," Rose said to the Doctor. "I love this song."

"We could go find a record shop and look around there," Jack said. "Find some gnarly '80's tunes."

"We could find a sex shop for you," Ianto said to Jack.

"That would be nice but I'm sure the Doctor wouldn't approve," Jack said.

"No, I wouldn't but since no one could stop you from going in one, I'll look the other way and pretend it's a pet shop," the Doctor said.

"Pet shop! We could buy you a puppy!" Jack said to the Doctor.

"Why?" the Doctor said.

"Because that would make you even cuter in my eyes."

"Rose, remind me never to pick up a puppy or get near a puppy or think about a puppy," the Doctor said while he finished off the last of the pretzel.

He licked his lips and looked at the trolley while he held the empty stick in his hand.

"Hmmm, wonder what cream cheese pretzel would taste like?" he mused while he stared at the trolley.

"You want another one?" Rose said to him.

"I want heaps of them. They're hot and delicious and satisfying."

Rose began to giggle to herself and when the Doctor asked what was so funny, she asked him to look at the image in her head. The Doctor laid the stick down beside him, put his fingers to her temples and closed his eyes while Rose showed him what she'd been thinking of. The Doctor frowned when he saw into her imagination and saw a grossly bloated 1000 pound version of himself. He was in a room in a house and his girth took up the entire room. His tiny head was at the top of his gigantic body and far below him, Rose was pushing a wheelbarrow towards him filled with hot pretzels. The Doctor burped loudly and pointed to his mouth.

"Ah, there you are again! Just go up my belly and put it into my mouth, Rose, there's a good girl," he said. "And don't forget to change my nappy, I think I went poopies while I finished off the last barrowful of pretzels."

"I am not fat!" the Doctor said, taking his fingers away from Rose's head while she laughed hysterically. "I have no intention of ever being that fat and I don't think one more pretzel will turn me into Gargantua, the Fat Man. So you can stop imagining me as such."

"Why? What'd she do?" Jack asked.

"Oh, just imagining me as morbidly obese to the point I looked like a basketball and took up the entire room of a house. Then she had to spend her time going up me to dump barrowfuls of pretzels into my mouth like I'm some sort of insatiable blob monster."

"Here, try me, I have an image for ya," Jack said, leaning towards him.

The Doctor leaned away.

"I don't know if I should, I might go insane after seeing the sort of things that live in your imagination," the Doctor said.

"Go on, be brave," Rose said, patting his arm.

"Hold on to me, Rose, I'm going in," the Doctor said.

Rose put her arms around his waist while the Doctor put his fingertips to Jack's temples. He saw himself sitting on a velvet red sofa in the middle of nothingness. A single brass floor lamp was beside the sofa, lighting the scene. The Doctor watched while his imaginary self looked around and scooted closer to Rose.

"Alone at last, my little dumpling," he said to her. "Why don't we have a go right here and shag ourselves senseless."

There was a ripping sound while Rose tore her pink t-shirt into and threw it off her body. She then took her time unhooking her bra.

"Bras are expensive," she explained to the impatient dream Doctor while he tapped his foot and let out a frustrated sigh.

She finished unhooking her bra and when she opened it, there was a tremendous SPRONG as he DD breasts shot out. Rose took off her bra, threw it on top of the lamp and put her arms down at her side while the Doctor let out a gleeful giggle and prepared to feel her up. Suddenly, E.T. wandered in and stopped by Rose's side of the sofa.

"Hi," E.T. said, waving to the Doctor.

The Doctor was livid while he watched E.T. take his glowing finger and put it on Rose's left nipple.

"Ouch!" E.T. said while he touched it.

"Okay, I think I've seen enough," the real Doctor said, pulling away from Jack.

"What'd he do?" Rose said while Jack chortled.

"Made a sexual E.T. joke," the Doctor said.

"Ah, that was great! I loved the disgusted look on your face while you watched," Jack said. "Worth the invasion of my mind just to see that. I could pinpoint the exact moment when E.T. started touching Rose's nipple."

The Doctor couldn't help laughing at the shocked look on Rose's face. He laughed harder and patted her head when Rose looked down at her breasts.

"Okay, I'm trying to imagine one of the beloved characters of my childhood putting his alien fingers on my nipples," she said. "I'm having a hard time seeing it…maybe because I don't wanna see it."

"Well…I suggest before Jack thinks up something even more disturbing that we just go ahead and go exploring. I don't want Rose to worry about me ballooning up from eating one more pretzel."

They put the remains of their snack into a nearby trash can and walked away from the bench.


	65. Chapter 65

Chapter Sixy Five

"Ooo," Jack said when he spied a tiny room that housed an arcade, "finally I get to show off my skills and gloat!"

"Don't you do that 24/7?" the Doctor said.

"You!" Jack said, spinning around and pointing at him. "You will challenge me to a video game challenge. The person with the highest score gets Rose."

"Excuse me?" Rose said.

"You heard me, Blondie. I want to see how good the Time Lord really is. We shall play Pac Man and the person with the highest score gets Rose forevermore."

"And the loser gets Ianto then?" the Doctor said.

"No, I get both."

"So what's in it for me?" the Doctor said.

"Um…Rose?" Jack said. "You get Rose?"

"Why am I being dragged into this pissing contest?" Rose said to the Doctor.

"What? You don't trust the Doctor can beat me and keep you?" Jack said to her. "Come on, Doctor, you love a challenge, don'tcha?"

"Risk Rose for the sake of beating Jack Harkness at his own game? Dare I?" the Doctor mused.

"Come inside, Doctor, if you dare," Jack said, strolling into the darkened room.

The Doctor looked at Ianto.

"You're not gonna be a supporter then?" he asked him.

"No, I'm thinking about going back for another pretzel," Ianto said, pointing back to the trolley.

"I would join you but I'm afraid if I took a bite, Rose would think I was Gargantua and run willingly to Jack."

"I'm waaaaiting," Jack said from inside the arcade.

"Well, my lamb, want to come watch me annihilate Jack in Pac Man?" the Doctor said to Rose.

"Sure, why not?" Rose said with a shrug. "I trust you can save me from him."

The Doctor asked Ianto to get them a couple of Cokes and gave him a five dollar bill. When Ianto walked back towards the trolley, the Doctor and Rose entered the arcade. Jack was standing next to the upright Pac Man arcade game, a smirk on his face as he held up two quarters.

"Come and challenge me, if you dare," he said to the Doctor.

"I'm first," the Doctor said, walking up to him and plucking a quarter from his hand.

"You'll be mine soon," Jack said ominously to Rose while the Doctor inserted the quarter into the slot below the screen.

"I bet I won't," Rose taunted as she walked up beside the Doctor.

Jack leaned against the side of the arcade game, watching while the Doctor maneuvered Pac Man around the maze. Rose stood on the other side and when Ianto came inside with their sodas, she took them from him and put one up above the joystick so the Doctor could take it when he wished.

"Hey, where's mine?" Jack said when Rose thanked Ianto and turned her attention back to the game.

"You didn't give me any money. You were too busy bragging and boasting about beating the Doctor," Ianto said.

Jack rolled his eyes. He gave Ianto a five dollar bill and asked for a Coke. Ianto took it and went outside. By now the Doctor was halfway through the second maze, still on the sipped his Coke with one hand while using the joystick with the other. Rose, slightly bored from watching, fished a quarter out of her pocket and looked around. She saw Space Invaders across the room and took her Coke over with her while the Doctor continued to play.

"Rose is losing interest already," the Doctor said to Jack while he kept his eyes on the screen. "Like me, she'd rather do other things besides play video games."

"Then why is she playing Space Invaders?" Jack said.

"Because she's waiting for me to finish this," the Doctor said. "Unfortunately, it may be hours before I'm done since I'm clever enough to keep going with just one Pac Man."

"Yeah, yeah, put your money where your mouth is," Jack said, making a yak yak motion with his hand.

Ianto came back inside with a Coke for Jack and a Coke and pretzel for himself. Jack took the Coke while Ianto glanced around the room, searching for Rose. When he saw her, he wandered over to watch what she was doing while the Doctor started on the fifth maze.

"This will take forever, you know," the Doctor said as he propelled Pac Man around the maze. "Sure you want to stand here and watch me win a million points?"

"How about we switch off?" Jack said. "I play a maze and then you and then me."

"Why? Acknowledging that I could stand here forever doing this?" the Doctor said, glancing at him with a smirk on his face.

"No, but the kids are bored and I don't want them to die of boredom since our contest would go on for hours and hours and become quite epic."

The Doctor finished the maze he was on and stepped back so Jack could take over. Rather than watch though, he sipped his Coke and strolled over to Rose. He leaned against the side and watched with Ianto while Rose struggled to keep from being killed.

"Die already?" Rose said, glancing at the Doctor.

"No. Jack got bored waiting for me to die so I switched with him after I completed the fifth level. He's playing it now. So…nearly ready to go?"

"What about the great contest?" Rose said.

"I accept defeat. You're Jack's slave forever more, so coming with me to find something else?"

Rose nodded. She let Ianto take over and took the Doctor's hand as they walked out of the arcade. They held hands with their free hands while they sipped their sodas. The Doctor sniggered when his extra sensitive hearing picked up Jack's voice saying, "Hey? Where'd the little shit go? I was challenging him!" He glanced at Rose but she was too busy looking around to hear him. They noticed a deli and food court so the Doctor put his hand on her back and ushered her into it. At the front of the atrium was a large glass display filled with fresh fish. They stopped at it and looked. The Doctor stared at a large catfish. The catfish was facing him with its mouth gaping. The Doctor turned to Rose and imitated it, widening his eyes and dropping his mouth open. Rose giggled.

"Are you a fish then?" she said.

"I'm the biggest fishy in the ocean. No one can catch me," he said before taking her hand again.

They walked over to a deli case and sipped their sodas while they looked at the food. An elderly lady behind the counter came up and asked them if they needed anything. They shook their heads and walked on.

"Hey!"

The Doctor turned and saw Jack hurrying towards him, a peeved look on his face.

"We were in the middle of a challenge," he said, stopping a few feet from him.

"You win. Rose is in your thrall," the Doctor said airily. "I'll keep her safe until you need her in your boudoir. Anyway…Rose, come with me."

They walked out of the atrium and turned to the left. Jack walked out, saw Ianto approaching and waited for him to catch up before following the Doctor and Rose. By now, the Doctor and Rose were going into Waldenbooks to take a look at the book shop. Jack took Ianto's hand and they followed them inside.


	66. Chapter 66

Chapter Sixty Six

After exploring the book shop, the Doctor and Rose exited. The Doctor stopped when he noticed the shop across the way.

"Soundtracks, wonder what that is?" he said, pointing to the sign above the glass door.

The sign had a microphone next to SOUNDTRACKS in huge red letters. Next to that was a TV monitor. It was playing a video of two teenage boys dancing around in front of a fake fire background while they sang Judas Priest's Breaking the Law. The Doctor looked around for Jack and found him perusing a book on military history. He walked over to him, told him where he and Rose were going and took Rose's hand as he exited the shop. They walked across the mall to the Soundtracks shop and went inside.

"Welcome," a young black man said while standing behind a Formica counter. "Would you like to record a song today?"

"Record a song?" Rose said while they walked over to him.

"You're from England?" the man said.

" I am," Rose said.

"I don't know if they have these stores over there but you don't look like you know what it is so I'll explain. Basically, this is a place where you can record yourself singing along to a song of your choice and we will make a cassette for you. Or…you can make a music video and we'll give you the VHS tape when you're through."

"So this is like karaoke," the Doctor said.

"Yes. We have recording booths in the back and you'll go into one, slip on some headphones and sing along with the karaoke feed while you look at the song lyrics. We'll record you while you do that and make a tape cassette for you when you're finished. Or we have a larger studio where you go in and stand in front of a screen. You choose the background and sing in front of it and you can have your own music video. These are the prices," he added, handing them a sheet of paper. "And those big plastic binders over there," he added, pointing to another Formica counter by the door, "list all the songs we have. When you're finished, you can listen to your cassette tapes there," he said, pointing to tape players on a counter on the opposite side of the door. "Or there's a TV monitor where you can watch your video," he said, pointing up above the tape players. "Interested?"

"Wanna do it?" Rose said to the Doctor.

"Yes. It sounds like fun," the Doctor said.

They debated for a moment and decided to do a duet and make a cassette tape rather than a video. By this time, Jack and Ianto wandered into the shop and after listening to the man repeat everything he said to the Doctor and Rose, he turned to Ianto.

"Come on, let's make a video of ourselves, it'll be hilarious," Jack said.

Ianto nodded and smiled and both parties paid the man before heading over to the books. Each one took a brown binder and opened it. Inside were laminated sheets of paper with song lists on them. The Doctor and Rose turned the pages looking through the songs.

"What would be a good duet?" Rose asked while they studied the song lists.

"Don't Go Breaking My Heart? Elton John and Kiki Dee."

"No, I can't stand that song," Rose said, making a face.

"Hey, Yan, let's do You're The One That I Want from the Grease film," they heard Jack say.

"There you go, we could do that song," the Doctor said to Rose.

"I don't wanna do what they're doing. Besides, we don't have to pick a duet. We can pick a song and just sing it together."

"What about that song you like, New Moon on Monday then?" the Doctor said.

Rose's face brightened.

"Yeah, I wanna do that one," Rose said.

"Aw, the couple have their own song now," Jack said to Ianto. "That's so precious and…HEY!" Jack said, turning to the Doctor when he snatched Jack's hat off his head and put it on.

He snatched it back from the Doctor and plonked it on his head.

"No one wears the hat except me," he said to the Doctor.

"Mm. Anyway, come on, let's ask if they have the song," the Doctor said, taking Rose's hand.

"It's your song now! You can't deny that!" Jack said before turning his attention back to the binder.

The Doctor asked if they had the song and the man nodded.

"Just added it a few months ago," he said. "So…go down this hallway and you'll see a door marked 1. That's your studio."

He ducked down behind the counter and appeared a moment later with a laminated piece of paper.

"These are the lyrics," he said, handing it to the Doctor. "Just go into the studio, put the lyrics on the music stand, put on the headphones and when the song starts, you just sing along to the singer and we'll replace his voice with yours."

The Doctor thanked him and the man pointed to a narrow passageway beside the counter. They walked into it and saw several steel doors with a square window in each of them. The first door on the left was 1. The Doctor opened the door and looked into the studio. There was not much room and not much in the studio except for a metal music stand and a microphone that was hanging down from the ceiling directly over the music stand. There were four headphones rested over the top of the music stand and each one was plugged into the ceiling. They went inside and the Doctor closed the door behind them. The microphone was in a holder that went up into the ceiling and the Doctor adjusted it while he put the lyric sheet on the music stand. They both took headphones and put them on. Rose nudged the Doctor and he took the headphones off with a questioning look on his face.

"Just thinking. What if this is some sort of mind control shop where you think it's gonna be karaoke but they play this mind control tape that says "Obey" over and over and you become their slaves."

"You've been traveling with me for far too long, Rose," the Doctor said while she giggled.

"Don't I know it," Rose said while the Doctor gave her a little nudge and put his headphones back on.

He glanced over when he noticed Ianto walking past their studio. Jack was following him but he stopped and put both hands on the door's plate glass. He opened his mouth, stuck it on the window and breathed heavily.

"Sod off, Harkness!" the Doctor yelled while Jack reared his head back, laughed and walked on.

The Doctor shook his head and looked at Rose who was giggling softly. They heard the man telling them through the headphones to get ready.

"Obey, obey, obey," Rose said, pulling the earphone off the Doctor's right ear.

"And you sod off as well," the Doctor teased when she let go and laughed some more.

He readjusted his earphone and heard the music start. He couldn't hear Rose while he sang since the recording was loud. He couldn't even hear himself singing but he sang along with the karaoke recording, hoping he didn't sound like rubbish. When the song was finished, they took the headphones off and put them back on the music stand. The Doctor grabbed the lyric sheet and they walked out of the studio. The Doctor closed the door and they walked back to the counter.

"Alright, it'll be just a few minutes," the man said, taking the lyric sheet from them.

The Doctor and Rose milled around while the man opened a door behind his counter and went inside a room.

"I couldn't hear myself, I hope I sang well," Rose said.

"Yeah, I was thinking the same thing," the Doctor said. "But at least it wasn't obey, obey, obey."

Rose laughed. She looked over when Jack and Ianto came out of the room at the very back. Both men were laughing hysterically.

"We made a music video," Jack said as they walked to the counter. "We decided on…SHE'S A BRICK HOOOUSE!"

"Oh God," the Doctor said while Rose chortled. "I can just imagine what you two did in that room while singing along to that song."

The man came back out with the cassette tape.

"If you want, I can play this over the public sound system so everyone can hear it. Of course, that means the people outside can hear it too or you can listen to it privately."

"No, play it publically, I wanna hear it," Jack said.

"Can you do that with the music videos as well?" the Doctor said.

"Yes, we can."

"Okay, if we play ours publicly, you do as well so we can see your music video," the Doctor said.

"Deal," Jack said.

"We'll play it publically," Rose said to the man.

"I'll put it in for you and I'll get you music video ready," he said to Jack and Ianto before he went back into the room.

They waited and a moment later, they heard New Moon on Monday on speakers mounted into the ceiling. The Doctor was horrified when he realized he was singing it off key because he wasn't able to hear himself. Jack was laughing hysterically at him.

"Oh wow, sounds like a cat being tortured. Not you, though," he said to Rose. "You're on key but the Doctor…whoa! What were you listening to because it wasn't the same thing Rose heard."

The Doctor flipped him the vees and Rose patted him on the shoulder. He ignored Jack's giggling and nudging of Ianto and instead concentrated on Rose's beautiful voice, thankful that at least she was able to carry the tune.

"I made a dog's dinner of that one," he said when the song finished. "If you wanna do another one without me, I'll pay for it."

"No, you weren't that bad. Don't listen to Jack," Rose said. "I love our duet."

"See, that's love right there," Jack said to Ianto. "Rose doesn't have the heart to tell the Doctor he sounds like a harpy because then she won't get nooky tonight."

"Wanna say that louder, Jack. The shopping center didn't hear you," the Doctor said.

The man came outside with their tape cassette in a cassette case. It had the Soundtrack logo on the front and on the side was the song and their names. He told Jack he was cueing up the video and told them to watch the monitor above the cassette players. They turned and a moment later, the video started. The Doctor chortled when he saw Jack and Ianto prancing around the room in front of the simulated flames from the earlier video. Both Jack and Ianto were thrusting their crotch at the camera while they sang off key and loudly. The Doctor and Rose laughed hysterically while Jack blushed deeply. When they got to the break it down, break it down now part, Jack swiveled his hips and put his hands behind his head while Ianto turned and shook his butt for the camera. By the end of it, the Doctor was in hysterics.

"And you thought we were rubbish, Jack. At least I didn't thrust my pelvis in front of simulated fire and pretend to be a gigalo," the Doctor said.

Rose patted Jack on the shoulder while Ianto took the VHS tape from the man as soon as he came outside the room. He asked them if they wanted to do anything else and all of them declined before thanking him and heading out of the shop.


	67. Chapter 67

Chapter Sixty Seven

After leaving Soundtracks, the four of them wandered around the mall doing a bit of window shopping. Jack and Ianto walked in front of the Doctor and Rose. Rose was talking to the Doctor and giving him her full attention so she nearly fell on her face when Jack suddenly seized her hand and ran with her.

"Come on, Rose, let's go to the record store!" Jack said as he jerked her along.

"Alright! Don't pull my ruddy arm from its socket!" Rose said as Jack let go and laughed hysterically.

"Sorry, just wanted to see your face when I suddenly jerked you away from your lover," he said. "Anyway, let's go inside and see if we can find some vintage LPs. Nothing like vinyl, you know."

They went into Camelot Records. Inside were several racks and shelves on the walls filled with LPs, cassettes and 45's along with a small rack that held CDs. They also had LPs inside long wooden racks that were arranged in three rows in the middle of the store. At the back was a rack filled with t-shirts and beside it was a rack selling rock posters. Towards the front was a counter and behind it was a man with jet black hair. The fringe was hanging over his eyes and he had several piercings on each ear. He was dressed in a black Metallica t-shirt and black jeans. And he had eyeliner on. Jack gave him an appreciative look before he went further into the store. Behind the boy on a glass shelf was a small stereo and two speakers were mounted on the wall behind it. While the man tended to a customer, Mister Roboto played from the sound system.

"Domo arigato, Mister Roboto!" the Doctor warbled while he followed Rose.

She walked to the first of the floor displays and thought for a moment while she studied the rock section of LPs. The Doctor bypassed her, went to the D section and began thumbing through the LPs. He pulled out Duran Duran's Seven and the Ragged Tiger LP and took it over to Rose.

"Yeah, that's what mum had," Rose said.

"Would you like me to buy it for you?" the Doctor said.

"Um…you don't have to," Rose said.

"Eh, it's in mint condition, consider it a friendship gift. Besides, you can drool at your eyelined, mulleted heroes all day long."

"Actually, I always got a chubby when I saw John Taylor," Jack said as he passed by the Doctor.

"Thanks, Jack, I'll be trying to erase your chubby from my mind for the rest of the day," the Doctor said while Rose giggled.

The Doctor tucked the LP under his arm while he walked past the other LPs. Rose went around the corner and found the N section. The Doctor stopped when she pulled something out and looked at it. He hurried around the corner of the display case and looked at what she pulled out.

"Ah, Stevie Nick's Belladonna, nice choice," he said.

"I love Stevie. I've always wanted to dress like her but my mum thought I'd look horrible in chiffon."

"That's because your mum could never wear chiffon without looking like a chiffon coated cow," the Doctor said. "I saw Fleetwood Mac in concert in 1977 and again in 1982."

"I banged Stevie on an amp in 1992," Jack said as he passed by the Doctor.

"Will you leave us alone?" Jack said to her while Rose bent over laughing. "Go find some LPs with naked men on them."

Jack strolled back to him.

"I would but they don't sell John Lennon's Two Virgins here. I already checked," he said to him. "Anyway, I had Stevie up on the amp and…"

He ran away when the Doctor tried to swat at his head.

"So…" Rose said to the Doctor while she tucked Belladonna under her arm and continued searching. "Where's your LP?"

"Mine?" the Doctor said, confused.

"Oh come off it, you keep saying you did heaps of things your entire life so where's the LP you made. You musta had a singing career or been in a band or something like that."

"Oh, you mean the Chifftones then?"

"The what?"

"The Chifftones. A little skiffle band I was in back in the early '60's. I played the washboard. Quite adept at it, if I do say so myself."

"Prove it, show me the Chifftones LP," Rose said, pointing to the LP racks beside her.

"Well, to be honest, we never had a following in America so I can't find my LP here."

"Was it sold in London?"

"I believe so, yes."

"After we finish here, you're going back to London and we're finding your LP."

"Why? You wouldn't like any of the songs on it. Our biggest hit was Raunch Paunchy and that was only in the Cotswolds."

"I don't care about the songs. I just want proof you aren't bullshitting me again," Rose said.

"Again? When have I ever bullshitted you, Rose? When?"

Jack came up behind Rose and folded his arms on her back.

"I had a band too," he said. "A heavy metal band called Hellz-A-Poppin'. We tried to have a hit with Ivory and Ebony but Paul McCartney sued the backside off us and we had to disband."

"Why are you following us around?" the Doctor said in exasperation.

"Because I'm trying to get you to help me," Jack said to the Doctor.

"Do what? Chat up the sales assistant?" the Doctor said, nodding his head at the young man behind the counter.

"No, I can do that on my own. I want you to stop Ianto," he said, pointing over the Doctor's shoulder.

The Doctor turned and looked at Ianto. He was at the next display case, thumbing through some LPs and minding his own business. The Doctor turned back to Jack with a perplexed look on his face.

"Stop him doing what? Shopping too loudly?" the Doctor said.

"He's buying jazz records," Jack said.

The Doctor stared at him waiting for Jack to continue. He gave him a "You gotta be kidding me" when he realized that was the problem.

"So?" the Doctor said.

"I hate jazz. Go tell him to stop buying jazz LPs," Jack said.

"You tell him," the Doctor said while Rose laughed.

"He won't listen to me!" Jack protested.

"You know, I am about ten feet from all of you and I hear what you're saying," Ianto said while he examined an LP.

"Okay, what's the problem with you buying jazz LPs?" the Doctor said, turning and leaning over the racks while he addressed him.

Ianto rolled his eyes.

"Jack despises jazz. Claims it hasn't got a beat to it so he hates it when I buy a CD or download an MP3. I keep telling him that my love of jazz predates meeting him and I'm not going to give it up just because he doesn't fancy it."

"I like rock and roll," Jack said.

"So like rock and roll then," Rose said.

"But it's hard for me to take Yan up the ass with Charlie Parker and Ella Fitzgerald playing in the background."

Rose bent over laughing when the Doctor suddenly turned around; making sure no one heard what Jack just said.

"You do realize that we're in the American Deep South in the year 1984 when homosexuality was sorta frowned upon," the Doctor said in a hushed voice to Jack. "If you wanna get a beating from Bubba and Bucky and Red, go right ahead; just make sure you're all alone when it happens."

Ianto finished perusing the jazz LPs and gave Jack an evil grin as he walked down to the end of the display case.

"And no show tunes either!" Jack said to him.

Ianto grinned and held up The Music Man LP before putting it back. Jack groaned.

"Ugh, that's another love of his. One night we…you know," Jack said, giving the Doctor a pointed look. "We did the deed while the Rent film soundtrack played over and over. By the end of the night I was shouting La Vie Boheme whenever I climaxed. I don't care to go through that again. So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to lecture Yan on the merits of Jon Bon Jovi. Have fun shopping. Yan, put that LP down," Jack said to Ianto while he walked towards him.

"Thank God we have the same musical tastes," the Doctor said, turning back to Rose.

He shut up when he saw the pointed look on her face.

"We don't have the same musical tastes?" he said.

"You will show me a Chifftones LP when we get back to the TARDIS. You're not getting out of that," Rose said.

She pointed at his face when he shifted uncomfortably.

"The TARDIS will not move until I see it," she said to him.

"And just how do you propose to stop me from moving my ship?" the Doctor said to her.

"I have my ways," Rose said enigmatically.

"Yeah, I'm just shaking in my trainers," the Doctor said, rolling his eyes while Rose pinched his cheek and walked past him.


	68. Chapter 68

Chapter Sixty Eight

After purchasing their LPs, everyone continued on. But near the back of the mall, Jack spied a cinema. To his delight, Ghostbusters was playing and to his even bigger delight, Ghostbusters impersonators were outside the cinema greeting people and posing for photos.

"Come on, Yan, let's go get a photo with the Ghostbusters," Jack said to Ianto.

"Why? They're not the proper actors," the Doctor said to Rose. "They don't even look like the actors. In fact, they look a bit manky like they pulled a bunch of tramps off the street and paid them to wear the Ghostbusters outfits."

He pointed to a man who resembled Egon except he had double chins and his curly hair was shorter.

"Egon looks like he let himself go," the Doctor said to Rose. "Apparently, he ate Slimer…and the Stay Puff Marshmallow man and probably Harold Ramis as well."

"Aw, come on, Doctor. Play along," Rose teased, poking him in the arm before she walked over to the impersonators.

"Play along with what? Hobos?" the Doctor said before he followed her.

He walked towards the impersonators and stopped a few feet away watching while Jack, Ianto and Rose spoke to the "Ghostbusters" and got their autographs. Each of the impersonators vaguely resembled the characters except to the Doctor they all looked a bit overweight and a bit scruffier. When they finished, Rose walked back to the Doctor but Jack beckoned to them and pointed to the ticket booth near the cinema doors.

"Come on, let's go see the movie," Jack said to them. "My treat."

"So," the Doctor said to Rose as everyone walked towards Jack. "Did you get the fake autographs of the fake Ghostbusters?"

"Yup. Come on, Doctor, be fair. When people go to Disney World and get Mickey Mouse's autograph they know it's not really him."

"Which is why I don't get Mickey Mouse's autograph," the Doctor said while they stood behind Jack. "I get autographs from actual celebrities not manky, lice ridden wannabes. Are you sure those were the real Ghostbusters? Maybe it was the Atlanta chapter of the Ghostsbusters union. I'm sure they eventually branched out and had franchises in every state plus London, Tokyo, Cardiff, Isle of Man…"

Jack purchased the tickets and they went inside the cinema. Rose saw movie posters on the walls for Gremlins, Dreamscape, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Purple Rain, The Neverending Story and The Karate Kid. Jack walked over to the concession stand and purchased a couple of large popcorns and four large Cokes for everyone.

"Look at you, being all generous," Rose said as they walked up behind him.

"Yes, I am. I'm just making sure we all have a good time," Jack said, passing out the sodas and popcorn to everyone.

They decided to go to the bathroom before the film. Ianto offered to watch everyone's food and use the toilet when they came out. He sat down on a bench with a red leather cushion on it and everyone put their food around him before heading to the bathrooms. The Doctor and Jack headed into the men's restroom and looked around. They were the only ones there so the Doctor headed to the urinal closest to the back wall. He eyed Jack when Jack followed him and took the urinal next to him. The Doctor's suspicions were confirmed when he caught Jack looking at his penis the moment he aimed it at the urinal. Jack did the same and while they were peeing, the Doctor looked ahead of him and noticed some writing on the wall above his urinal. Someone had taken a black marker and written Jesus is Lord on the wall. The Doctor sighed, hating it when humans defaced property and ruined the beauty of things. An impish thought crossed his mind and he finished what he was doing. After he flushed the urinal, he reached into his trouser pocket and found a small black biro. He took the cap off and Jack frowned when he wrote something under the Jesus is Lord.

"That's called defacing of public property, you know," Jack said.

"I know but I couldn't resist," the Doctor said.

Jack leaned in when he finished and read what he wrote.

JESUS IS LORD. NO, I'M LORD; I'M A TIME LORD, TEE HEE HEE.

The Doctor chuckled when Jack let out a snort at that. He snatched the biro from the Doctor's hands and wrote something beside it. Once he was done, he drew an arrow from his writing to the Doctor's. The Doctor read it once he stepped back.

LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME? CONTACT THE TIME LORD AT 1-800-IMASTUD.

Jack smirked at the Doctor and handed him back his biro. The Doctor waited until Jack left before he scribbled out what Jack wrote. Whistling, he put the biro back in his pocket and left the bathroom.

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

When everyone had finished going to the restroom, they went inside the theater. The lights on the side were dimly lit as they made their way up the theater aisle to seats near the front. The movie screen was covered by a large blood red curtain and there was soft music playing overhead. There were several people sitting near the back of the theater including a bunch of giggling teenagers. The four friends went up to the front and got the center seats.

"Rose," Jack said in a loud stage whisper as they sat down.

"What?" Rose said.

"Will you hold me? This is a scary movie and I might scream and rip your hair out."

"No. And leave my hair alone," Rose said.

"But it's stiff and easy to hang onto," Jack said, putting his hand on top of it.

He removed his hat and put it in his lap. He and Ianto shared a tub of popcorn while Rose and the Doctor shared the other one.

"Rose? Will you hold me? This is a scary movie and I might scream and punch you in the face," the Doctor said in a loud stage whisper.

"Doctor, will you hold me?" Rose said in the stage whisper. "I might get scared and start stabbing everyone in the cinema."

"If you stab me, make sure I come back as a ginger," the Doctor said.

"What is it with you and gingers?" Jack said to him.

"I've never been ginger, I want to be ginger," the Doctor said.

"Why? Gingers have no souls, everyone knows that," Jack said.

"Better to be a ginger than a gigolo, "the Doctor said.

XOXOXOXOXOX

"Pssst, Rose," Jack whispered to her while they watched the film.

"Pssst, what?" Rose whispered back.

"This is a scary scene. You may want to cover your eyes," Jack whispered.

"I was a prisoner of the Daleks, the library lady turning into a ghost doesn't faze me any longer but thanks for your concern for my wellbeing," Rose whispered back.

"But it's scary," Jack whispered.

"So's your bad breath," Ianto whispered.

The Doctor sniggered when Jack shot his lover a dirty look. Ianto pretended not to notice and ate the popcorn. Jack looked at Rose and took hold of her free hand.

"I'm scared," Jack whispered to the Doctor when the Doctor eyed him. "Rose is next to me and it would be rude for me to reach across to hold your hand."

"RHAAAAAAW!" the library ghost yelled as it changed into a horrifying ghost.

"Rose," Jack whispered.

"Yeah?" Rose whispered back.

"I died for a quarter of a second from sheer fright and my bladder loosened and somehow got into your beverage. Sorry about that," Jack whispered.

"My beverage is on the Doctor's other side, that's quite a feat for your urine to travel over there," Rose whispered.

"I'm multitalented," Jack whispered back.

"Rose," the Doctor whispered.

"Yeah?" Rose whispered back.

"I'm an alien, just wanted to remind you of that since everyone is whispering," he whispered.

"Thanks. I needed the remainder," Rose whispered back.

"Rose," Jack whispered.

"What?" Rose whispered back.

"I'm from the 51st century, that's also a reminder."

"Thanks. I'm glad people are reminding me of things I haven't forgotten so I feel like a complete prat," Rose whispered back.

"And," Jack whispered, "I once had this fantasy about Bill Murray stripping off his Ghostsbusters suit and taking me up the ass."

He snickered when Rose made a face at that.

"Doctor," Rose whispered. "Pass me my Coke; I need to get the vomit out of my throat."

Jack gave her a playful shove while the Doctor chuckled and passed her the cup of Coke.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

"Rose," Jack whispered while the climax of the film was showing.

"Yeah?" Rose whispered back.

"I gotta go tinklies and Stay Puff is on the screen. I like Stay Puff but I have to go tinklies, what do I do?"

Rose grinned and held up her cup of Coke. Jack mimed unzipping his pants and made an arc from his crotch to the cup, miming the flow of urine into it. Rose took a sip of it after he did that and giggled at the feigned look of disgust on Jack's face. She put her cup in her lap and jerked her head back when the Doctor, eyes on the screen, took a piece of popcorn out of the tub and tried to put it in her mouth. Rose giggled when the Doctor kept his eyes on the movie and tried to cram the kernel into her mouth. Then the Doctor looked around before looking at Rose.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I was so engrossed in the film, I missed my mouth entirely and tried to put the popcorn in your mouth. My bad."

Rose elbowed him when the Doctor threw the mashed kernel on the floor and took out a handful of popcorn from the tub.


	69. Chapter 69

Chapter Sixty Nine

"Aw, what a relaxing day," Jack said as they headed out of the mall and back towards the bus stop. "A little shopping, a little fun and a film with freaky friends, fantabulous fanny flag fun!"

"Jack's slipped into alliteration mode," Ianto said while they reached the sign and the bench for the bus. "Someone needs to help him."

"I WILL!" the Doctor said.

Jack ran off when the Doctor tried to stomp his feet. Rose and Ianto laughed as they ran out into the car park and ran in between the cars.

"No, wait, don't ruin the vintage 80's cars!" Jack yelled at the Doctor while they ran around a red Mustang.

Rose and Ianto laughed when they just suddenly jogged around and around the Mustang for no reason.

"What are you doing?" Rose yelled to them.

"We're having a jolly caucus race like in Alice in Wonderland," the Doctor yelled back. "As long as we're running around the flame-red Mustang, we can dry off and be warm!"

"I hope the owner of the Mustang doesn't come out here and see them or our next adventure will be in prison," Ianto said to Rose.

The two men broke away from the car and jogged back towards Rose and Ianto. Rose laughed when the Doctor jogged up to her and pretended to collapse on top of her.

"I'm knackered, I need sleep and Rose is comfy," he said. "I'll have a quick zizz before the bus comes. Zzzzzz…"

"My poor baby," Rose said while the Doctor snored in her ear. "Needing a kip after a hard day's fun and now his arse is out in the road where the bus can hit it, awwww."

The Doctor looked up and around at his butt which was sticking out.

"Don't worry, I'll move his bum!" Jack said, rushing towards it.

He laughed when the Doctor sprinted away from him back to the entrance of the mall.

"I don't want your hands anywhere near my arse, Harkness," the Doctor said.

"A little louder? Atlanta didn't hear that!" Jack said.

"I SAID, I DON'T WANT…"

Rose and Ianto laughed when Jack raced over to shut him up and they were off on another run through the car park.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

"So!" the Doctor said as they entered the TARDIS. "Where do we go next?"

"You are going to the cupboard to retrieve the Chifftones LP I asked to see," Rose said, closing the door behind everyone.

"TARDIS, take us away!" the Doctor said, ignoring her.

TARDIS, DON'T MOVE UNTIL THE DOCTOR GETS ME THE CHIFFTONES LP!" Rose yelled at the ceiling.

"Nice try, but the TARDIS obeys only…"

He trailed off when the TARDIS shut down and went dark. Rose smirked and folded her arms over chest.

"I told you I would convince the TARDIS not to go anywhere," she said.

The Doctor tried powering up the ship and let out a growl of frustration when she didn't respond to his commands. Rose giggled and sauntered up to the console, standing beside Jack and Ianto.

"The LP, if you please," she said sweetly, holding out her hand.

"Fine! Fine!" the Doctor said, holding up his hands.

He closed his eyes and thought to his TARDIS. The lights came back on and for a moment Rose thought the Doctor had convinced her to go. Instead, there was a flash and an LP appeared on the console in front of him. The Doctor picked it up and looked at the cover of the LP and Rose could tell he was trying desperately not to laugh. He cleared his throat and handed it to Rose. Rose took it and looked at the LP with Jack and Ianto. The cover of the LP showed the Fourth Doctor sitting on a wooden chair in the middle of the forest. He was wearing a long maroon coat and a scarf that trailed down the back of the chair onto the ground. He had a brown fedora on his head and an afro was poking out from underneath it. The Doctor's eyes were bulging and he had a toothy grin on his face that looked to Rose like it was a grimace of pain rather than happiness. The Doctor had a washboard in his lap and the fingers of his right hand were on the ridged surface while his other hand was thrust up into the air above his head. Above the photo was written THE CHIFFTONES at the top of the LP in black letters and underneath in smaller black letters was writing RAUNCHY PAUNCHY. Jack snorted out laughter while Rose gave the Doctor a withering look.

"Where's the band?" Rose said. "I'm assuming the weirdo in this photo is you since no one else would wear a scarf that was fifty miles long. Where's the rest of your band, Mister Musician?"

"Well, the band decided that I was the most photogenic so they had me stand in for all of them."

"Oh shut up!" Rose said, tossing the LP at him while Jack and Ianto bent over laughing. "TARDIS, you can take us wherever you like now. I'm done humoring the weirdo."

Jack took the LP from the Doctor and looked at it.

"Nice scarf, goes with the afro quite nicely," Jack said to him. "Not sure about your facial expression though, it kinda looked like someone punched you in the balls and you're trying not to cry. Still, nice photo," he said, handing it back to the Doctor. "Heeeey! I know! Let's go meet Curly and say hello!"

"You mean, me?" the Doctor said.

"Yeah, I wanna meet this version of you, he seems…different."

"Different? In what way, different?"

"Well, he likes scarves…obviously and he has more hair then you and his eyes pop out more than yours do. Let's go meet him."

The Doctor leaned on the console and gave him a "You've got to be kidding me" look for a moment. Then a smirk spread across his face.

"Fine, we'll go meet me then," he said as he began to start up the TARDIS.

"Bitchin'!" Jack said to Ianto. "HEY, ROSE, GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE, WE'RE GONNA GO MEET FUZZY WUZZY!"

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

(Andrusa Major, 5656…)

"Come along, Peri," the Sixth Doctor said as he strolled through a forest on Andrusa Major.

Peri brushed her hair out of her eyes while she followed him. The forest was sparse and he had his multicolored umbrella up and over his head, protecting him from the sun. Peri was wearing short shorts and a powder blue t-shirt with white Nikes while the Doctor wore the usual multicolored outfit.

"We're going to see the wonders of the planet, including a race of lizard people who are quite friendly," Six said over his shoulder. "I believe their cliff dwellings are through this forest and…"

He trailed off and both him and Peri stopped when the TARDIS suddenly appeared in front of them.

"Doctor, what's….what's going on?" Peri said, pointing to the TARDIS. "We left the TARDIS at the edge of the woods."

"Indeed. My TARDIS shouldn't follow us like this unless…it's not my TARDIS."

"Not your TARDIS? It looks like your TARDIS."

"I mean, it's not MY TARD…"

The door opened and Jack stuck his head out. He frowned and his eyes widened when he saw Six.

"Who are you and what are you doing in my TARDIS," Six said angrily.

"One moment," Jack said before sticking his head back inside.

Peri came up beside the Doctor and they looked at each other when they heard Jack laughing hysterically. Then the door opened wider and Jack, Rose and Ianto stepped out.

"Oh my God, get a load of this," Jack said as he pointed at Six's clothes. "And I thought Fuzzy Wuzzy was a nightmare."

"I beg your pardon, who are you?" Six said. "Is this a future version of me?" he added, pointing to the TARDIS.

"Um…yeah, a much slimmer future version," Jack said before he caught sight of Peri. "Wowzer!" he said, looking at Peri's skimpy outfit. "This was your companion, she is sexy! Hey, Doc," he yelled back into the TARDIS. "If I had a ménage a trois with me, you and the babe here, would it create all sorts of paradoxes?"

"GET IN HERE NOW!" Ten yelled from inside the TARDIS.

"But…three way," Jack said before Ianto grabbed his shoulder and dragged him back inside.

Six watched in puzzlement and then his eyes settled on Rose. Rose chuckled and walked up to him.

"Love the cat badge," she said. "It just completes the whole look for ya. Ta ta!"

She ran back into the TARDIS and slammed the door.

"Doctor, what was that about?" Peri said while they watched the TARDIS vanish into thin air.

"That…was probably me being an arse to myself," Six said. "Come along, Brown, we'll just pretend that never happened and carry on."


	70. Chapter 70

Chapter Seventy

Jack was feeling a bit cheeky today so he decided to tease the Doctor. He asked the TARDIS where he was and the TARDIS moved a door into the passageway he was currently in. He opened the door and walked into a beautiful park. He looked around and noticed the Doctor and Rose were sitting at a wooden picnic table about thirty feet away, eating sandwiches and drinking tea while they gazed at each other across it. Jack grinned and flounced over to Rose's side. The Doctor and Rose gave him confused looks as he slammed down on the wooden seat beside Rose and put his arms around her.

"I CLAIM THIS!" he yelled.

He froze with his arms around Rose waiting for the Doctor's reaction.

"Let go of her and leave us alone," The Doctor said, calmly.

"Nope," Jack said. "I claim her. So whatcha gonna do about it?"

The Doctor got up and stood in front of the picnic table. Suddenly he raised his arms to the sky and screamed "EE NUM CHUCK!" before bringing his hands together. Then he dropped his arms to his sides and stared at Jack.

"And that was…" Jack said while Rose giggled.

"That was the summoning of the power of the Ancient Ones. A Time Lord society dedicated to kicking arse and taking names," the Doctor said.

"Uh huh, so show me this power then," Jack said.

The Doctor extended his hands towards Jack and wiggled them at his head while he let out a high-pitched "Squeeeeee." He did this for about thirty seconds and then dropped his arms back to his sides with a smug look on his face. Jack looked at Rose and shook his head slowly while Rose giggled.

"Wow, that was just…awesome power," Jack said. "That was the least painful death I ever had, seriously."

"I didn't kill ya," the Doctor said.

"Oh? What did you do, Ee Num Chuck?" Jack said.

"I put you in my power, now you are my slave," the Doctor said, sitting back down.

"Uh huh, well…order me to do something then, Slavemaster," Jack said.

The Doctor got up and beckoned to Jack and Rose. Rose got up and stood behind him. Jack hesitated a moment before getting up and standing behind Rose. The Doctor whistled and walked towards the door. Rose looked at Jack, shrugged, and followed him. Jack followed behind Rose and all of them followed the Doctor out the door. The Doctor took a sharp right and walked down the passageway while Jack and Rose followed him. They followed him to a door at the end of the corridor and the Doctor opened it and walked inside. Jack and Rose entered and looked around. The room was made of metal and bare except for the roundels on the walls. The Doctor walked to the center of the room and sat down, positioning himself in a lotus position. He closed his eyes and Rose and Jack watched while he floated off the floor and hovered in midair, eyes still closed and still in the lotus position.

"What's this, more summoning of Time Lord power?" Jack said flippantly.

The Doctor didn't answer. He continued to meditate while hovering in midair. Then suddenly he floated up to the ceiling and turned around so his back was now to his companions. He floated backwards until he was above Jack and then he began to slowly descend towards Jack. Jack ducked when he thought the Doctor meant to land on him but instead he stopped just above Jack's head. Jack crotched for a moment, looking up at the Doctor and when he didn't move anymore, he slowly raised his head back up. Jack grinned at Rose, raised his index finger and touched his right buttcheek. Then suddenly the Doctor let out a loud, long fart and Jack gasped and ran out from under him while Rose laughed.

"Thus it shall ever be to all who oppose me," the Doctor said with eyes closed. "I shalt rain farts upon the heads of those who try to take my property away from me and cause me irritation. EE NUM CHUCK!"

"Yeah, yeah, just wait, I'll get back at you for that," Jack said as the Doctor floated to the ground. "You'll rue the day you ever farted on my head, Time Lord. And when my vengeance comes, I'll be Ee Num Chucking your butt out the door. Fear me!" he said in a deep voice before he ran out the door.

The Doctor opened his eyes and yawned as he straightened his legs.

"Has the gigolo departed from our sight?" he asked Rose.

"Yup," Rose said.

"Super," the Doctor said, getting to his feet. "Let us resume our picnic then, shall we?"

He took Rose's hand and they walked out of the room while Jack watched them with his head stuck around the corner of the next passageway. He smirked when the Doctor closed the door and walked with Rose back to the park room.

"Just wait, Doctor, you're gonna pay for that," Jack said before going off to find Ianto.


	71. Chapter 71

Chapter Seventy One

"Jack, just leave it," Ianto said as he followed Jack down the passageway.

"No! The man farted on my head and he will pay dearly for it! I will get back at him if it kills me!" Jack said.

"And how do you propose to get back at him then?" Ianto said.

"By asking the TARDIS's help and Rose's help as well," Jack said.

"And they're going to help you?" Ianto said.

"Help us, we're Torchwood Team Terrific and Ee Num Chuck is not going to get the better of us," Jack said. "TARDIS, please help me get back at the Doctor for farting on me. Pretty, pretty please? And get Rose away from Mister Smug so I can talk to her."

There was a flash and Rose appeared in front of them, stark naked. She gasped and covered her private parts with her hands while she turned away from Jack and Ianto and pressed herself up against the wall.

"Um…I thought you were going back to the park room thing," Jack said.

"We did but then we decided to have a shower and I was about to get into it with the Doctor and now I'm here. What's going on?" Rose said over her shoulder.

"Um…well, I wanted to ask your help in getting back at the Doctor for farting on my head. Just for fun?" Jack said.

"The Doctor would view me as a traitor if I did that," Rose said.

"But he farted on my head," Jack said.

"But you put your arms around me and claimed me. The Doctor doesn't like that," Rose said.

"Aw, come on, Rose. Help us, just for laughs," Jack said.

"Okay. But…can we do this after the shower since I'm in the altogether right now?" Rose said.

"Just hear me out really quickly and I'll let you go back to your shower," Jack said.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"Come on, Doctor, calm down," Rose said to the Doctor while he finished putting on his clothes.

She didn't get to finish the shower because the moment she was teleported back, the Doctor demanded to know what happened and when he heard Jack was involved, he called off the shower. Rose had no choice but to get dressed with him and tried to calm him down since the Doctor was now fuming.

"Jack needs to learn about boundaries," he said to Rose. "Having a giggle and playing practical jokes is one thing but taking you naked out of the bathroom is another thing. The man is going to die!"

He took a step and instantly a transmat beam enveloped him and Rose. When the light from it faded he was strapped into a chair in the middle of a dark empty room. Rose was standing beside him, hands behind her back, and the Doctor looked at her.

"Little help please?" he said, nodding at the straps securing his body to the chair.

"Sorry, this is Jack's revenge for farting on his head," Rose said.

"And you're helping him? Whose side are you on anyway?" the Doctor said angrily.

"Yours but you know Jack has to get his comeuppance every once in awhile," Rose said, stroking his cheek.

"Yeah, yeah," the Doctor muttered.

Suddenly, a humongous TV screen appeared in the air above him and Jack's face grinned down at him.

"So! Vengeance is mine!" Jack said. "And to add insult to injury, I turned your ship and Blondie against you. Ianto and I will laugh as you squirm!"

The Doctor watched Ianto lean his head in.

"Hi. I'm being forced to do this so don't blame me," he said.

"Jones, get out of my face before you join the Doctor."

Ianto moved away from him and Jack laughed a cheesy, maniacal laugh.

"And now, Geek Lord, we will begin your torment!' he said gleefully.

The Doctor looked around when a force field bubble surrounded him. He looked at Rose who was standing outside the bubble, calmly watching him.

"You do realize this means no shower with me tonight," the Doctor said to her.

Rose shrugged.

"I'll live," she said.

Suddenly, there was an explosion of brown gas inside the force field bubble.

"Aha, now you are surrounded by a huge fart bubble. Breathe it in, Ee Num Chuck!" Jack crowed as he watched him.

The gas lingered around the Doctor for a moment before the TARDIS took it away and it dissipated into thin air. The Doctor was sitting in the chair, his head lowered in defeat.

"Do you submit?" Jack asked.

"Yes, Jack," the Doctor said softly.

"Apologize then," Jack said.

"I apologize for farting on your head."

"Good. TARDIS, release him."

The Doctor grunted when the bubble and chair disappeared at the same time and he fell to the floor. He got up and smirked at Jack.

"HA!" he bellowed at him. "I HAVE A RESPIRATORY BYPASS SYSTEM AND I DIDN'T BREATHE IN A THING! SO YOUR REVENGE WAS WASTED AND I'M STILL THE SUPERIOR ONE! EE NUM CHUCK!"

Rose laughed as the Doctor ran from the room while Jack cursed loudly.

"Told you it wouldn't work," Ianto said offscreen.

"Whatever, Ianto! Just pretend it didn't happen and never speak of it again!" Jack yelled at him before the monitor disappeared.

Rose looked around, her nose wrinkling at the faint smell of ass before she walked out of the room and shut the door behind her.


	72. Chapter 72

Chapter Seventy Two

"I swear, Jack, if you ask me one more time…" the Doctor muttered to himself as Jack left the console room.

The Doctor had been trying to do repairs all afternoon but Jack was bored and kept coming in to ask when the Doctor would be finished so they could go somewhere. After the tenth time the Doctor was ready to chop off his head and use his brain as a processing unit for his console. And now he was so upset he couldn't get back to the task at hand. He stood there by the monitor, drumming his fingers on the rim, trying to think of a way to shut Jack up. Then a smile slowly spread over his face when he got an idea for a prank. He snickered to himself and asked the TARDIS to send a voice message to everyone that they were going somewhere special. Then he asked her to take them to a very specific place…

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

"Oh boy, oh boy!" Jack said as the TARDIS stopped and powered down. "At last, we get to do something exciting."

"Yes. I have just the thing for all of you," the Doctor said to his three friends. "Follow me and behold the wonders beyond these doors."

Jack, Ianto and Rose followed him to the front door. He opened it, took a quick peek out and then nodded as he threw open the door and told them to go outside. Jack eagerly stepped out and looked around. The TARDIS had landed on a narrow dirt path between two large fields of wheat. In fact, there was wheat fields as far as the eye could see.

"Planet of the Wheat?" Jack said to Ianto and Rose as they looked around.

"Behold! The most exciting thing in the universe!" the Doctor said as he stepped outside and shut the doors.

The three companions looked around, trying to locate the most exciting thing in the universe when the Doctor walked over to the wheat field on their left side and spread his arms wide.

"Behold the bounty of nature!" he proclaimed loudly. "Wheat! The majestic grain!"

He paused with his hands out and waited for a reaction but there was only silence behind him.

"Doctor, where's this amazing thing?" Jack finally said.

"Why, right in front of you," the Doctor said, turning towards them. "Wheat! It's a wonder of nature!"

The three companions gave him odd looks and the Doctor turned back to the field.

"Yes, wheat is simply stunning!" he said. "Regal in its goldenness. I must compose an ode to it."

"Is he bullshitting us?" Jack muttered to Rose and Ianto as the Doctor cleared his throat loudly.

"O'wheat, thou majestic grain!" the Doctor intoned solemly. "Thou are splendid in thy magnificence! I love thee when I eat thee as cereal. Yea, there art no other like thee, my faithful friend!"

He fell silent and Jack spun his finger around his ear while the Doctor meditated on the gloriousness of wheat for a moment. Then he reached out and plucked off half a stalk of it. He turned and held it lovingly to his chest while Jack muttered, "Coo-coo, coo-coo," to his friends. The Doctor walked over to Rose and offered her the wheat stalk.

"For you," he said.

"Um…thanks," Rose said, taking it from him.

Jack plucked it out of her hand, put the end in his mouth and began to chew on it.

"Look, I'm a yokel," he said to Rose and Ianto through clenched teeth.

"Ah, the royalty of wheat!" the Doctor said enraptured.

"Yeah, wheat is awesome, when do we go to something fun?" Jack said, taking the stalk out of his mouth.

"Fun? Why, aren't you having fun here contemplating the majesty of wheat?" the Doctor said.

Jack thought for a moment.

"This is because I've been bugging you about going somewhere, isn't it?" he said to the Doctor.

"Why, whatever could you mean, Jack?" the Doctor said with feigned innocence. "I wanted to show all of you the wonders of wheat? Are you accusing me of taking you somewhere as a sarcastic gesture, mayhaps?"

"I told you not to bother him repeatedly," Ianto said to Jack.

"Okay, I'll leave you alone and let you do your repairs," Jack said.

"Are you sure? Because I could take you toSesspoolCity, home of the largest collection of sesspools in the universe," the Doctor said.

"No, that's fine. You can do your repairs and I won't ask to go somewhere until you're done," Jack said.

"Molto bene. Well, all and sundry, back in the TARDIS then! Goodbye, wheat, may you grow strong and proud!" he said, giving the field a salute.

Jack looked at Rose and she giggled when he shook his head and rolled his eyes while the Doctor opened the TARDIS doors.


	73. Chapter 73

Chapter Seventy Three

Rose followed her friends while they walked down the pavement. They were heading for Piccadilly Circus for a bit of fun and shopping as well as doing some sightseeing. Jack and Ianto held each other's hand and chatted while the Doctor did a bit of people watching. Rose was content to take in the sights and sounds of her old stomping grounds. While she walked she spied something going behind a post box. She slowed when she swore it was a mini red Dalek. But what she saw couldn't have been bigger than a mouse, surely it wasn't…

The others passed by the post box but she slowed and stopped and to her amazement she saw an itsy bitsy Dalek that was about three inches high. The Dalek's back was to her, it attention turned on the cars going by. Then a dog barked behind Rose and the Dalek swiveled its dome around. It pointed its little eyestalk up at her.

"RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!" it said in a tiny mouselike voice as it glided towards her.

Rose giggled as the tiny Dalek stopped a few inches away from her and used its eyestalk to look up at her.

"Am I your prisoner then?" Rose said to it.

"YOU ARE MY PRISONER, YOU WILL LEAD ME TO EARTH'S LEADERS!" the Dalek squeaked out.

Rose pretended to surrender and she headed towards the Doctor. She heard a tiny "Wrrrrrr" behind her and looked over her shoulder. The tiny Dalek was following her closely. Rose heard a few people commenting on how cute her toy was but Rose shooed away anyone curious enough to pick it up in case the Dalek proved lethal. She caught up to the Doctor who had stopped and was looking for her while Jack and Ianto chatted nearby. Rose chuckled.

"Help me, Doctor," she said, melodramatically as she put the back of her hand to her forehead. "I'm enslaved."

"Enslaved?" the Doctor said. "By who?"

Rose hooked her thumb over her shoulder and walked by the Doctor. The Doctor did a double take when he saw the Dalek.

"I must take my new master to Earth's leaders," Rose said aloud while she walked past Jack and Ianto.

"What the hell?" Jack said when he and Ianto saw the Dalek.

By now the Doctor was casually following the mini Dalek, hands in pockets, with an amused grin on his face. Jack and Ianto fell in behind him.

"Do they make them that tiny?" Jack said to the Doctor while they followed the Dalek.

"Apparently they do," the Doctor said.

"Oh Doctor, what will I do? I'm helpless!" Rose said, hamming it up.

"COMMUNICATION WILL CEASE!" the tiny Dalek squeaked at her.

The Doctor, Jack and Ianto sniggered at the little mouse voice of the Dalek.

"He's cute, can we keep him?" Jack said to the Doctor.

The Doctor took his hand out of his pocket. He told Rose to stop while he reached down and picked the Dalek up.

"WHAT IS THIS? PUT ME DOWN!" the Dalek squeaked as it swiveled its dome around to face the Doctor.

"Hello, Itsy Bitsy, on a quest to take over the world, are we?" the Doctor said to it.

"SCANS INDICATE YOU ARE THE DOCTOR!" the tiny Dalek said, becoming excited.

"Yup, I am, Itsy Bitsy," the Doctor said.

Jack giggled and stroked the top of the dome with his index finger.

"He's just so cute!" Jack gushed.

"Can we take the tiny squid out and teach him to do tricks?" Ianto asked.

"I MUST DESTROY THE HUMANS!"

"Of course you must, Itsy Bitsy, but first…how about learning a few simple tricks?" the Doctor said. "Like sit up, lay down, play dead?"

"Can we build a tiny house for him?" Jack said.

The Dalek fell silent, its eyestalk swiveled around, looking at everyone before his attention went back to the Doctor."

"YOU WILL DIE, DOCTOR! EXTERMINATE!"

A tiny bolt of electricity shot out and hit the Doctor on the chin. The Doctor gasped in surprise at the mild, harmless shock the Dalek gave him. Jack snatched him from the Doctor's hand and got down on one knee. People gave him odd looks when he put the Dalek face down on his leg and began to spank the Dalek with two fingers.

"Bad Bob, you don't shock people!" Jack said as he "spanked" the Dalek. "That's a bad, bad Bob!"

"Bob? We're calling him Bob then?" the Doctor said as Jack stood back up.

"Yes. Bob the Diminutive Dalek. And I'm going to write a children's book about him and make millions."

They looked at Bob. He was in Jack's hand but he'd fallen silent.

"I think he's in shock," Rose said to them.

"Probably," the Doctor said. "He probably imagined himself some big, bad Dalek killer and now he's been turned over a human's knee and spanked. Probably overwhelming for the poor little lamb."

"Is this the Dalek's new plan? Mini Daleks?" Ianto asked.

"No, they're pets now. They're going to make Dalek pets and lull the humans into a false sense of security when the mini Daleks conquer the Earth."

"PUT ME DOWN," Bob finally said.

"No, you're my pet now, Bob. I claim you," Jack said.

"PUT ME DOWN OR BE EXTERMINATED!"

"Doesn't scare me, Bob, I can't die," Jack said smugly. "Besides, you only seem capable of giving people a mild shock so if I were you, I'd behave before I give you another spanking!"

Bob didn't say anything more and Jack patted him on the dome.

"Good boy," Jack said. "So, my friends, shall we continue on and see London with our new pet?"

Jack stroked Bob on his dome while the four of them headed on towards Piccadilly Circus.


	74. Chapter 74

Chapter Seventy Four

They nearly made it to Piccadilly Circus before the Doctor and his friends received another surprise. Standing next to another post box was a three inch cyberman. The Doctor stopped in his tracks when he saw the mini cyberman stomping around. He snatched it up.

"This one's mine," he said. "I will call him Cy the Cyberman!"

The cyberman stopped moving and stared at the Doctor.

"Hi," the Doctor said to Cy, "shocked, are we?"

"YOU WILL BE DELETED!" Cy squeaked.

"What's going on here?" Rose said.

"Dunno. Someone is miniaturizing things though. And making them cute as a button to boot," he added, looking at Cy.

Jack brought Bob close to Cy and the Doctor backed away.

"Oi! Don't bring him next to my pet," he said to Jack. "He might not be able to kill me but he could kill Cy and I want my pet to live!"

Rose noticed movement at her feet. She looked down and noticed a teeny tiny metal thing that looked like a caterpillar to her. She picked it up…or tried to since the thing was smaller than Cy and very fast. The Doctor noticed a plastic container in a nearby rubbish bin. He walked over to it, snatched it up and had Rose peel off the top of it before he slammed it upside down over the metal thing. The metal thing bumped into the sides of it and kept on bumping it while it tried to escape.

"What is it?" Rose asked as they bent down.

The Doctor pulled a high powered magnifying glass out and used it to look at the creature.

"Well, I'll be…it's a cybermat," he said, examining it.

"What's that?" Ianto said.

"They used to travel with cybermen, sorta like mini bodyguards. They helped the cybermen when they attacked but this one…this is eeny weeny."

"I claim it!" Ianto said, raising his hand.

"Rather than claiming these things as pets, perhaps we should find out why there are mini monsters roaming around London," the Doctor said, glancing at his friends.

"But Bob is cute," Jack said.

He gasped when Bob tried to shoot a tiny bolt of electricity at his face.

"Fine, go to your room then!" he said to Bob.

He lifted up one side of the plastic container, shoved Bob inside and slammed his hand down on top of it, keeping it secure. The cybermat stopped in front of Bob and they stared at each other for a moment.

"EXTERMINATE!" they heard Bob squeak before he shot a bolt at the cybermat.

"No!" the Doctor said when the cybermat was killed. "Your…pet killed Cy's little friend!"

"I didn't think he'd do anything," Jack said. "I was just sending Bob to the naughty corner for trying to kill me."

"Naughty corner?" the Doctor said.

Jack shrugged and grinned.

"Excuse me. I know you're having fun with the mini monsters but people are beginning to stare now," Ianto said, pointing to a few passerby who had stopped to look at them.

The Doctor gave Cy to Rose, picked up the lid from the bin and lifted up the side of the container just high enough to slide the lid under. He slide it under, trying to get Bob to get up on it but Bob protested loudly while he was pushed to the side of the container.

"I suppose you can't fly then," the Doctor said.

He lifted the container and Jack picked Bob up. The Doctor managed to pick up the cybermat and put it in the container. Then he took Cy and put him inside and snapped the lid shut over them. They watched while Cy walked over to the cybermat, prodded it with his finger and then stared at it silently.

"See, Cy's upset that you killed his mate," the Doctor said to Jack.

"I didn't kill him. Bob did."

"He's your pet," the Doctor said while Cy picked up the cybermat and examined it.

"I'm sorry. Bob had to be sent to the naughty corner and…wait, he's alive again," Jack said, pointing to the cybermat who was now whizzing around the container.

"Aw, you fixed your mate, didn't ya, Cy? You're very clever," the Doctor said as he and the others walked off.

"So, what are you gonna do with Bob then?" Rose asked as Jack while they walked.

"Oh, I might enter him in some contests so he can win some prizes and money for me. Maybe some robotics competitions?" Jack mused.

"YOU WILL TAKE ME TO EARTH'S LEADER!" Bob said when it spied Rose.

"You mean him?" Rose said, pointing to the Doctor.

The Doctor waved when Bob swiveled his eyestalk around.

"Hi, I'm the leader of Earth," the Doctor said to Bob while he carried the container at chest level.

"YOU WILL ORDER ALL HUMANS TO SURRENDER TO ME!" Bob squeaked at him.

"Rose, hey, Rose?" the Doctor said, jabbing her repeatedly on the shoulder. "Hey! Bob wants your surrender now!"

Rose grinned and held her hands up while she walked.

"Aw, Bob captured his first human. I'm so proud," Jack said, wiping away an imaginary tear.

"Ianto, get your hands up. Bob says so," the Doctor said.

"No, I'm a resistance fighter now," Ianto said, casually walking behind Jack.

"Oops, the resistance has started already, Itsy Bitsy, and you only got one slave. Bad luck for you, I'm afraid," the Doctor said.

He raised the container and peered in at Cy.

"YOU WILL BE UPGRADED!" Cy said, pointing to him.

"You mean I'll have my big brain shoved into a tiny cyber body? That sounds difficult," the Doctor said to Cy while Rose giggled. "Better try Jack, he's the one with the pea brain."

"N'yuk, N'yuk," Jack said, rolling his eyes.

"Hey, can I put my arms down now, they're getting tired," Rose said.

"Yes. I've freed the Earth so now you can be free," the Doctor said.

"Phew, that's a relief," Rose said, putting her arms down.

Bob swiveled his eyestalk around and looked at everyone before he looked at the Doctor.

"YOU ARE NOT TAKING ME SERIOUSLY!" Bob squeaked.

"Ya think?" the Doctor said while his friends laughed. "Sorry, Bobbo the Yobbo, but it's a bit hard to be intimidated by a three inch Dalek. But nice try, all the same."

"I AM A DALEK!" Bob said.

"Yeah, I noticed. But did you notice I'm ginormous compared to you?" the Doctor said to him. "Did you also notice that your weeny arse was trying to invade an Earth that is many times bigger than you are. See the problem here, Itsy Bitsy?"

Bob fell silent upon hearing that and the Doctor patted him fondly on the head while they headed into Piccadilly Circus.


	75. Chapter 75

Chapter Seventy Five

They reached Piccadilly Circus and the Doctor and Rose paired off while Jack and Ianto went across the street. Rose looked at Cy. He was still imprisoned in the plastic container with the cybermat. Cy had fallen silent now and was standing completely still while the cybermat zoomed around his feet. The Doctor glanced at him.

"I think Cy is confused," he said to Rose.

"I think Bob is as well," Rose said.

They stopped for a moment at an intersection and the Doctor leaned up against a lamppost while he waited for the light to change so they could cross. Suddenly, the Doctor disappeared and Rose gasped. She had just enough time to say, "Doctor!" when he suddenly reappeared looking extremely dazed.

"Okay, what just happened?" he said.

He looked around and then looked down at his feet and noticed a tiny three inch weeping angel had been behind him. He sighed and picked it up.

"What's with these miniature baddies invading London?" he said, showing it to Rose.

"What is it?" she said, staring at the tiny stone angel.

"Weeping Angel."

He briefly explained what they were while Rose watched the angel hide its eyes.

"So if you get touched by one, you get zapped back in time?" Rose said.

"Yes. But I think since this one is so small I got zapped back for only two seconds," he said. "Which is nice since I caught up to the present quickly. But what's causing these little baddies, I wonder? Aw well…"

He had Rose open the lid on the container and he quickly put it inside and she snapped it shut. Cy turned to the angel and announced that it would be upgraded in a tiny voice but the angel didn't respond since the cyberman was looking at it. The cybermat zoomed around it but the angel didn't move so Cy didn't move either. The Doctor looked at Rose and they crossed the street.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"Aw, Bob, don't be sad," Jack said to his tiny Dalek while he and Ianto walked on the other side of the street.

"I MUST EXTERMINATE! BUT I CANNOT! WHAT USE AM I?" Bob squeaked.

"You can be my pet, that's useful," Jack said to him. "I have some Star Wars action figures you can pretend to exterminate."

"I AM USELESS!" Bob squeaked.

"Bob has an inferiority complex now," Ianto said.

"I know. We're gonna have to raise his self esteem somehow," Jack said. "Maybe throw him an I'm glad to be alive party when we get back to the TARDIS."

"Hey!" Ianto said, pointing to the ground in front of them.

They stopped and looked down at a teeny three inch Sontarian standing by a lamppost.

"Sontar-ha!" it squeaked out when it saw them.

"I name you, Spudsy!" Jack said, snatching him up.

"Jack, shouldn't we be figuring out why there are tiny aliens all over London instead of collecting them like Pokemon cards?" Ianto said.

"But they're just so cute," Jack said. "Besides, when do you get the chance to have mini aliens for pets."

"Just the same I think we should show….Spudsy to the Doctor and Rose."

"Oh okay," Jack said, sighing. "Bob, you behave and don't fight Spudsy and you do the same thing while I take you to the Doctor."

"The Doctor?" Spudsy squeaked while he tried to get out of Jack's fingers, "he is the enemy of the Sontarans! Sontar-ha!"

"SHUT UP, YOU ARE GIVING ME A HEADACHE!" Bob squeaked to Spudsy.

Spudsy glared at Bob who was in Jack's other hand.

"We Sontarans are not afraid of the Daleks!" Spudsy said. "We have no fear of death!"

"I WILL EXTERMINATE YOU!" Bob yelled back.

"Oh for heaven's sake," Jack said, transfering Spudsy to the same hand he had Bob in and snatching a small paper sack when he passed by a rubbish bin.

He shoved both aliens into the sack, closed it and shook it up.

"Behave!" he said while the mini aliens squeaked in fear while they were tossed around the bag.

"Isn't that abuse?" Ianto said to Jack.

"No, it's tough love. I love my aliens but they have to learn not to fight."

They waited after Jack stopped shaking the bag but they didn't hear any noises coming from the bag.

"I think you killed them," Ianto said.

Jack opened the bag and peeked in.

"Nah, they're alive. Just dazed," Jack said. "Well, let's go find the Doctor before they start a mini war."

"Or we find more aliens for you to keep," Ianto muttered to himself as he followed Jack.


	76. Chapter 76

Chapter Seventy Six

The Doctor and Rose leaned against a shop while the Doctor examined his tiny captives. The angel was still hiding its eyes while Cy stood at attention and watched it. The cybermat had stopped moving and was resting in one of the corners.

"This is fascinating," the Doctor said as he peered in at the mini monsters. "I must make a study of our little friends when we get back to the TARDIS."

"You're not gonna make them your pets then?" Rose said.

"Nah, you're my pet," the Doctor said, patting her head.

"Doctor!"

"And that's my pet as well," the Doctor muttered when Jack came running up to him.

Ianto tagged along behind and the Doctor noticed he was carrying a small paper sack in his hand. He asked about it.

"This is Bob and the newest pet, a small Sontaran we found," Ianto said, holding it up.

"So Jack shoved them in a sack and gave them to you?" the Doctor said.

"No, I took the sack away from him because he kept shaking Bob and the Sontaran up inside it."

"You're abusing them?" the Doctor said to Jack.

"It's tough love!" Jack said defensively.

"Uh huh," the Doctor said. "Well, before I get in an argument about that, I will show you my latest mini acquisition."

He held up the container and Jack and Ianto peered inside.

"Okay, what is that?" Jack said, pointing to the Weeping Angel.

"It's a Weeping Angel," Rose said. "They have the ability to send you back in time and they take the energy of the days you might have had."

"Except this one is so weeny that he only sent me back two seconds in time," the Doctor said.

"Boy, I'm gonna have to get a lot of aquariums for these guys so they don't kill one another," Jack said.

The Doctor gave Jack a dirty look and he shrugged. He took the paper bag from Ianto and gave the container to him before opening up the sack. He gave the sack to Rose, reached in and plucked out the Sontaran before asking Rose to close up the bag again.

"What is this? Put me down this instant!" the mini Sontaran squeaked while it kicked its little legs back and forth.

"I'm the Doctor," the Doctor said to him.

"The Doctor!" the Sontaran squeaked. "You are our greatest enemy! I must kill you for the glory of Sontar! Sontar-ha!"

The Doctor sniggered at that.

"It's like listening to my deadliest foes after they sucked a ton of helium," he said to Rose before turning his attention back to the Sontaran. "So…Sonty, how did you get so small? Who did this to you?"

The Sontaran stopped kicking.

"It was a man," he squeaked.

"Okay. What did the man look like?" the Doctor said.

"He was tall and was wearing a long, black robe and he had black hair and a beard," the Sontaran said. "I was battling the Rutan when he suddenly came up behind me. I turned to face him as any honorable Sontaran will do and he pulled out this tube and suddenly I was this size."

"Man with black hair and beard wearing a long, black robe," the Doctor muttered. "Oh no…"

"What?" Rose said. "Do you know who it is?"

"I believe it's the Master. At least an older version of him. So this man shrank you and then what happened?" he said to the Sontaran.

"He put me in his pocket but the pocket tore and I fell out and I was here," the Sontaran said, looking around.

"So some loony is going around the universe shrinking things and putting them in his pocket?" Ianto said.

The Doctor took Bob out of the bag and asked him to explain how he was shrunk and Bob related the same story to the Doctor that the Sontaran had.

"If this is the Master and it's an older version of him, he might be using a modified Tissue Compression Eliminator," the Doctor said.

"And that is?" Jack said.

"It's a weapon he used to use that shrank people down. It normally killed them but perhaps he's refined it and people survive the process," the Doctor said.

"And now these mini monsters are falling out of his pocket," Rose said.

"Which means he must be walking around London somewhere," the Doctor said. "Perhaps he used these aliens as test subjects and he's going to use it on humanity next. We must find him."

"Found him," Jack said.

The Doctor gave him a startled look and he pointed over his shoulder. The Doctor turned and saw the Master coming out of a shop about thirty feet away from them. It was the Master he had fought during his fourth life. He had on the robe and was casually thumbing through a magazine while he stood outside the shop.

"Little out of place, isn't he?" Ianto remarked.

The Doctor put Bob and the Sontaran back in the sack. Rose closed it and everyone followed the Doctor while he walked over to the Master. The Master looked up from his magazine and gave them a puzzled look.

"Yes?" he said, "what do you want?"

The Doctor closed his eyes and mentally projected his persona to the Master. The Master jerked when he realized who he was and the Doctor opened his eyes.

"We found a few of your little friends around London," he said, taking the container from Ianto and holding it up.

The Master blinked in astonishment and he put his hand into the pocket on the side of his robe. Everyone watched while his index and middle finger poked out a hole on the bottom of it.

"Lose something, did ya?" the Doctor said.

"Um…yes, how clumsy of me," the Master said sheepishly. "Thank you for retrieving them for me. I'm eternally grateful."

"What are you doing with them?" Jack said.

"Um…they're souvenirs, nothing more," the Master said with a shrug.

The Doctor gave him a "Yeah, right," look. His eyes drifted over to the open magazine in the Master's other hand and his eyes bulged when he noticed a full frontal photo of a naked woman on a tiger skin rug. The Master followed his gaze and gasped as he quickly closed the magazine.

"What's that?" the Doctor said, pointing to the magazine.

"It's a magazine, what does it look like?" the Master said defensively.

The Doctor sighed and snatched it from him. He looked at it and the Master shifted uncomfortably when the Doctor read the title of it.

"Britain's Biggest Breasts?" the Doctor said, turning the magazine around and showing it to the Master. "This is what you read in your spare time?"

The Master gave him a haughty look while the Doctor's friends giggled.

"It's research," the Master said defensively.

"And what are you researching? Cockney tits verses Geordie tits?" the Doctor said while Jack, Ianto and Rose snickered.

"I'm trying to find out why you like these apes so much," the Master said. "I see why now," he said, pointing to a woman on the front of the magazine that was holding her FF breasts while pouting.

"That's not why I like humans," the Doctor said.

The Master gave him a pointed look while he pointed to Rose. Rose coughed nervously when the Doctor looked at her.

"And?" the Doctor said, turning his attention back to the Master, "you do notice she's not nude and holding her breasts at the moment, right?"

"I notice you usually travel with women, Doctor. Are the mammary glands attractive to you?" the Master said.

"Yeah, are the mammary glands attractive to you?" Rose said while Jack and Ianto bent over laughing.

"Rose, schtum!" the Doctor said to her before focusing on the Master. "I don't fancy her in that way."

"Oh puh-leeze, Doctor," the Master said, rolling his eyes. "You were such a sheltered child you wouldn't know what to do with breasts if someone handed a pair to you."

The Doctor gave him an incensed look while Jack and Ianto died laughing. Rose tried to hide her laughter but she was having a hard time concealing it.

"Let's get back to the matter at hand," the Doctor said, trying to change the subject. "Why are you shrinking things?"

"For fun. I do many things for fun…like read porn and imagine you bonking your female companions."

"I do not!" the Doctor said.

"Oh wait, forgive me, Doctor. I just said you wouldn't know what to do with tits if you were handed a pair. So sorry," the Master said. "Anyway…"

He snatched the container out of the Doctor's hand. He heard the Sontaran squeaking inside the bag and Rose gasped when he snatched that from her hand too.

"You won't get away with this, Master. Whatever it is, you're doing," the Doctor said.

"Yeah, yeah, I hear that all the time from your fuzzy wuzzy self. Hate to run but I need to get back to formulating my evil plans…and studying this magazine…"

He headbutted the Doctor and quickly ran away from him. The Doctor started to give chase but a transmat beam enveloped the Master and he disappeared while passerby gasped in shock.

"So…who was that exactly," Jack said to the Doctor. "Seemed to know a lot about you and your sheltered life."

"Never mind!" the Doctor said while Jack, Ianto and Rose giggled. "Let's pretend it didn't happen and go back to the TARDIS."

Jack nudged Rose and they snickered as everyone turned and followed the Doctor.


	77. Chapter 77

Chapter Seventy Seven

Rose was relaxing by the TARDIS swimming pool. She was reclining in one of the wooden deck chairs, her eyes closed while she soaked up the artificial sunlight that the TARDIS provided for her. The light was shining down from above and it warmed her skin and soothed her. She had one hand resting lazily on her stomach while the other was behind her head.

While she rested, she heard a whirring sound and thumps like something heavy was walking on the cement. She opened her eyes and did a double take when she saw a large humanoid robot walking towards her. The robot had a human like face but the torso was shaped like the Tin Man's from the Wizard of Oz. In the bottom half of the torso there was a microwave oven. The robot's legs and feet were shaped like humans and so were the arms and hands. The robot stopped by her chair and stared down at her.

"Um…hello?" Rose said hesitantly.

Just then the Doctor entered the room, carrying a black bicycle helmet in his hand. The bicycle helmet had electronics and metal parts all over it. He walked over to Rose with a huge grin on his face.

"What's this?" Rose said, pointing to the robot.

"This is Robbie. He's my creation," the Doctor said.

"You built him?" Rose said, impressed.

"Mere child's play," the Doctor said, waving his hand dismissively.

"So why is he here?" Rose said. "Showing him off?"

"That and I also want to test him out. You see, Robbie is special. I created him to be sentient but he acts like the person who is wearing this helmet," he said, showing it to her. "So if I put this on, he will act towards you in the same way I would. So just sit here, I want to try him out."

He walked out while Robbie stood at attention. The Doctor came back inside carrying a bottle of Coke, a blue blanket draped over his arm while he walked over to a metal table several feet away from Rose. He put the Coke on the table and put the blanket on the deck chair beside it. He went outside again and returned carrying a small bowl filled with cold spaghetti and a plastic spoon. He sat those beside the Coke while Rose watched with curiosity.

"Okay, just sit there and relax. Robbie will do the rest once I put this helmet on," he said.

He walked to the far side of the room and sat down in an empty deck chair. He put the helmet on his head and relaxed, folding his hands on his chest. Robbie's body jerked and then he bent over to Rose.

"Hello, Rose, are you comfortable?" it said in a robotic voice while the Doctor watched from his chair.

"Yes, I am," Rose said.

"Would you like some refreshment?" Robbie asked her.

"Um…yes," Rose said.

Robbie walked over to the table and picked up the bottle of Coke. He walked over to Rose, unscrewed the cap with his fingers and presented the opened bottle to Rose. Rose thanked him and giggled when Robbie patted her head fondly.

"Would you like something to eat, Rose?" Robbie asked.

"Yes," Rose said.

She watched while Robbie walked over to the table. He picked up the bowl, opened the door of the microwave and put the bowl inside. He closed the door, set the time for two minutes and stood still while the food cooked. Rose glanced at the Doctor who was still relaxing and watching his creation. When the timer dinged, Robbie took the bowl out and closed the door. He picked up the spoon, walked back over to Rose and gave her both things. Rose thanked him and smiled when Robbie patted her head lovingly.

"Are you feeling a bit chilled, Rose?" Robbie asked her.

"Yes," Rose said.

Robbie walked over to the deck chair and retrieved the blanket. Rose held the bowl high while Robbie unfolded the blanket and put it on her legs, spreading it out and making sure it completely covered her. Rose thanked him and received another pat on the head. She ate while Robbie watched her.

"You are special to me, Rose," Robbie said to her. "You make me happy and my life is better for having known you."

Rose beamed at that and thanked him while Robbie patted her head. While she ate and Robbie watched, Jack came into the room. He was wearing blue swim trunks and carrying a white towel on his arm. He stopped short when he saw Robbie. He looked around and noticed the Doctor sitting on the other side of the room and headed towards him while Rose finished eating her spaghetti and finished her Coke. She heard him asking the Doctor what was going on and the Doctor explaining it to him but she was busy being complemented by Robbie on her blue two piece bikini and how marvelous she looked in it.

Then suddenly Robbie froze and stopped talking. Rose looked over and noticed Jack had taken the helmet off the Doctor's head and was putting it on. The moment he did, Robbie jerked and then stared at Rose intently. Rose was suddenly uneasy because she could swear the robot had a lustful look in his eyes. Then without warning, Robbie seized her breasts.

"LET ME FEEL YOUR TITS, BLONDIE!" Robbie yelled.

"Jack, stop!" the Doctor said, getting up from the chair while Rose tried to push the randy robot off of her.

Jack laughed and ran from the Doctor while Robbie yelled at Rose that he only wanted to paw her breasts and get a big erection. She yelled at the Doctor to stop Robbie while Robbie tried to stick his robotic tongue down her throat.

"Jack, take the helmet off now!" the Doctor yelled at Jack who was now by the high diving board.

"Yes, Jack, before Robbie rapes me!" Rose said, trying to slap Robbie's robotic hands away from her chest.

"Okay, okay, I'm finished," Jack said, taking it off.

Robbie froze and Rose breathed a sigh of relief when he leaned back up and stood to attention. The Doctor glared at Jack while he jogged up to them with the helmet.

"Pretty cool!" Jack said as the Doctor snatched the helmet from his outstretched hand. "Gotta let me borrow him sometime. I could have fun watching Robbie grope Ianto."

He pinched Rose's cheek when he saw the dirty look she was giving him.

"All in good fun, Blondie," he said. "Well, I'm off for a swim so you keep on doing what you were doing before."

"Come on, Robbie, let's get you back to the lab before Jack corrupts you in some way," the Doctor said, beckoning to the robot.

Rose watched while Robbie followed the Doctor out of the room.

"Why do I keep allowing myself to be part of his experiments?" Rose muttered as she took the blanket off her legs and threw it on a nearby chair.


	78. Chapter 78

A/N: For all Twilight fans, just poking a little fun at the fandom here so don't take offense. :)

Chapter Seventy Eight

Hello, my name is Bella Swan. I live in Forks, Washington and I'm 18 years old. I know that information isn't that exciting but Forks isn't an exciting place. It's dreary, it's rainy and it has an odd name. But there is one thing it does have and that's Edward Cullen. Actually, it has Jacob Black too but I mainly fixate on Edward Cullen because who wouldn't. That pale skin, that curly hair, the way he looks at you with his yellow eyes as if he wants to make a blood sausage out of you, it's sexy to me. And Jacob Black, well, he's a shirtless Indian werewolf and that's all I can say about him. As for me…I'm your typical bored, angsty, teenager who has a parent who's totally dependant on me to do everything for him because he's just as clueless as the parents in those teen angst, coming of age movies.

I began my day the usual way, waking my dad up, undressing him, getting him into the shower and fixing him oatmeal the way he likes it, with a maple syrup face on top of it because my dad is fussy and he likes to see Mister Oatmeal in the morning. After promising to do his laundry when I got back from school, I left for school. I was driving my truck when suddenly this weird blue box appeared in the middle of the road. I stopped the truck and just stared at it with my usual God, I'm bored of life look on my face. While I sat there and watched, the door opened and four people got out. I was thinking that it must be awfully cramped in there before my thoughts turned back to Edward and his cadaver like body that sparkles in the sun like Tinkerbell poured fairy dust on him. Of course, I never tell him that but still the image does pop into my mind when I see him sparkle. I also think of him as Glitter Guy and Camp Vamp but anyway…

I climbed out of the truck and walked over to the strangers. After all, the box just appeared out of nowhere so maybe they're ghosts and I've never had a ghost for a friend, just vampires and werewolves.

The man in front of the group was extremely skinny and tall and had spiky hair that went out in all directions. He was handsome but not as handsome as my corpse, bloodsucking boyfriend who has these gorgeous eyes and this wonderful smile and a long penis that sparkles in the sun just like the rest of him. But anyway…

Spiky Hair comes up to me and introduces himself as the Doctor. I gave him one of my bored, ennui teenager looks that we teenagers are so famous for. Then I notice the woman in the group and her skinny body and fabulous blonde hair and God, I hated the slut. She looked so vivacious which is the opposite of what I am. Anyway, I turned my attention back to the Doctor while two more men scanned the surroundings.

"So," the Doctor said to me. "Where are we? You're obviously American."

"You're in Forks, Washington," I reply in my sleepy, bored, nearly emotionless tone of voice. "And yes, I am American. Are you British?"

"Sorta, kinda," the Doctor said, waving his hand dismissively.

"Forks, Washington?" the handsome man with the short dark hair said as he walked over to the Doctor. "What the hell are we doing here? I thought we were going to the Razmataz Festival on Springot Five."

"Yes, well, I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere," the Doctor said sheepishly. "But hey, we met this woman…I'm sorry, what was your name?"

"Bella Swan."

"We met Bella Swan, isn't that something?" he said to the others.

Dark hair looked me over.

"She seems glum," he said to the Doctor.

The Doctor looked me over.

"Are you glum?" the Doctor said to me.

"I'm in that phase of life where I'm bored of the world and everything in it….and I'm on my period so I'm cramping."

"Riiight," the Doctor said while Dark Hair looked back at the man and woman and rolled his eyes. "Anyway, this is Jack and behind me is Rose and Ianto."

Rose. The slut even had a beautiful name. God, I hated her. She smiled at me but I showed no emotion, which for me is typical.

"So, what is there to do in Forks?" the Doctor said.

"Go to school?" I offered.

All of them stared at me while Jack snorted.

"And were you going to school just now?" the Doctor said.

"Yes. I'm meeting Edward there," I said.

Edward. My pasty faced beloved with muscular pecks and soft curly hair that I loved to run my hands through and the way his face glitters in the sunlight…

I come back to reality when the Doctor snaps his fingers in front of my face.

"Ah, there you are," he said happily. "Sorry, you looked like you were in the Twilight Zone for a moment."

Twilight. Yes, that sums up where I was when I was thinking of Edward. The Twilight Zone. Edward, my yellow eyed betrothed who has this hot little body and a penis that I just love to jump on and ride all day and…

I come back to reality again when the Doctor snaps his fingers a second time.

"You seem to space out a lot, you should get that checked out, could be a mental illness," he said to me.

"Sorry, I get that way when I think of Edward," I said.

Edward, my undead darling, with skin the color of very white cream…

"Hello," the Doctor said, snapping his fingers again. "Blimey. Attention span of a gnat. Anyway, we better go and let you go on to school. Have fun studying and…learning. Come on, troops, back into the TARDIS and…"

Suddenly there was a roar and Jacob leapt out of the forest off to our left. He was in werewolf form and I had to run in front of everyone when Jack pulled out a gun and nearly shot him. Jacob growled at everyone but I smacked him on the snout and said, "Bad dog, that's a no-no!" like people do to regular dogs. Jacob looked surprised for a moment before he changed back into his regular human body. I ignored the shock on everyone's faces while I studied the third part of my personal love triangle. True to form, Jacob had on nothing except a pair of khaki shorts, even though it was the middle of wintertime and the temperature was about 30 degrees. One thing I have to say about Jacob…he's apparently allergic to shirts.

"Who are these people? Are you dating them now too?" Jacob said, pointing to my new friends.

"No, but I'd love to date you," Jack said, looking him up and down. "Aren't you cold though?"

"I am Indian, we don't feel cold," Jacob boasted.

Then the one called Ianto stepped forward.

"You're a werewolf?" Ianto said to Jacob.

"I can shapeshift into a wolf, yes," Jacob said.

"I didn't see your trousers on your wolf body so where did they come from when you changed back?" Ianto said.

"It is a secret passed down from tribal elders since time began," Jacob said haughtily. "We alone among all natives know how to morph back while keeping our shorts on."

Jacob walked by all of them and walked up to me.

"Bella, where is Edward?" he demanded.

"Um…at school, I guess?" I said, shrugging.

"I want to have a word with him. I can no longer deny my feelings for you. So we will have it out once and for all and see who is the better supernatural, teen angst, creature in Forks!"

"Jacob, there are people here," I said, pointing to the stunned looks on my new friend's faces.

"I am not afraid of them!" he said, turning to them.

He stood there, shirtless, his cold hardened nipples pointing at them, accusing them of wrongdoing. I noticed that Jack's eyes were directly on the nipples and he had a lustful, hungry look in his eyes that my Edward gets whenever I get a severe paper cut.

"Who among you will challenge me for Bella's hand?" he said to them. "I will take on any challenger!"

"Rose, we got any mistletoe handy?" the Doctor whispered to her.

"How about a telescope that enhances moonlight?" Rose whispered back.

"We need the diamond though. Shall we go back and get it from Vicki?" the Doctor whispered to her.

"Steal if from her while a werewolf is chasing her? Isn't that dangerous?"

"And we're not in danger now?" the Doctor said, nodding his head at Jacob.

I didn't know what they were talking about but it was boring to me…like most things in life were boring. I was about to tell them that Jacob wasn't a threat when suddenly Edward dropped down from the trees and landed next to Jacob.

"Bella, I was waiting for you outside your window. You know I can't think properly unless you're joined at my hip," he said to me.

"So! It is you! The bane of my existence!" Jacob said to Edward. "It ends here now, once and for all, we decide who gets Bella!"

"Um, shouldn't we be getting back inside and going to the Razmataz Festival?" Ianto said to the Doctor.

"You don't scare me! I'm not afraid of you!" Edward said to Jacob.

"Ah! But you haven't faced me and my amazing pectoral muscles!" Jacob said. "See how they glisten with frost from the cold air? And see how perky my nipples are?"

"Yes, they are quite perky," Edward said as he got close to Jacob. "I've always admired your physique."

"And I've often fantasized about your pasty, undead body," Jacob said. "I'd just never admit that to the tribe."

"And I've always had a wolf fetish," Edward purred as he ran his finger down Jacob's manboob.

"Wait, what about me?" I said when I realize that they are both totally ignoring me.

And then, both men turned, looked at me, snorted and then started totally making out with each other. I mean, what about me and my needs? The two men I care about had the hots for each other all along?

"Okay then," the Doctor said. "Back into the TARDIS and on to the Razmataz Festival. Bella, enjoy school. Edward, Jacob, enjoy each other. Come on, gang, and you, Jack!" he said when he tweaked Jack's ear so he'd stop drooling at the supernatural suckface going on in front of him.

"Wait, this isn't fair!" I whined as the Doctor and his friends got back in the box and disappeared.

I stood there for a moment watching Edward and Jacob roll around on the ground in front of me, panting and groaning and shoving each other's tongue down their throats. Then grumbling to myself about how being a teenager sucks, I got back in my truck, started it up and drove past them on my way to school.


	79. Chapter 79

A/N: After spoofing Twilight, I decided to spoof a few more of my favorite fandoms, both old and new. I will put the name of the fandom before each vignette so people know what they are.

Chapter Seventy Nine

(Mystery Science Theater 3000…)

"Hello, Mike Nelson here on the Satellite of Love and today Gypsy is making her world famous pecan nut brownies for us." Mike said as he stood in front of a long counter that was in front of the Movie Sign door.

Gypsy slides into view of Cambot and a plate filled with square chocolate brownies slides along the counter in front of Mike.

"Yes, these are my brownies," she said in a high-pitched voice. "I am very proud of them. They won first prize in the Truth or Consequences Baking Competition in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico."

"Gypsy, when have you gone to New Mexico?" Mike asked her.

Gypsy gave him a blank look before suddenly looking over her shoulder.

"Oh! I hear the toaster!" she said. "My Eggo Waffles are done! Bye!"

"Wait, when did you visit New Mexico, Gyps?" Mike called out as she hurried away.

Suddenly, Crow the Robot popped up beside him.

"Mornin' Mike," he said.

"Mornin' Crow, how are you today?" Mike said to him.

"Well, I was in my room looking at the latest edition of Busty Bots With Bolts and Boobs and getting a really big erection as I was doing it," Crow said. "Unfortunately, the only girl bot here is Gypsy and I don't think she'll mate with me unless I pin her down and savagely rape her so I'm sorta stuck with a metal stiffie for the moment because I have nowhere to blow my wad. And I really don't wanna masterbate because my hand gets all sticky and gross afterwards. But that's my day so far, how about you?"

Mike stared at him for a moment, not knowing what to say to that before looking at Cambot and pretending his best friend didn't just speak about robot rape and masterbation.

"Anyway, Doctor Forrester hasn't contacted us today so we're just hanging out and now we're going to be eating brownies and…"

He trailed off when he heard a wheezing sound behind him.

"What tha?" Crow said as both of them turned around and saw a blue box materializing.

"Wow, that's freaky," Crow said as the door opened and a thin man with spiky hair stuck his head out.

"Hello," the man said. "I'm the Doctor."

"I'm Mike Nelson and this is my best friend, Crow T. Robot," Mike said. "Welcome to the Satellite of Love."

"The what?" the Doctor said.

"Satellite of Love," Mike repeated.

"Um…just a tick," the Doctor said.

He stuck his head back in the door and they heard him yell, "ROSE, KEEP JACK AWAY FROM THE DOOR. I LANDED ON SOME SATELLITE OF LOVE AND I HAVE A FEELING LOVE MEANS THE SORT OF LOVE THAT JACK ENJOYS!"

He stuck his head back out.

"Sorry," he said cheerfully. "I have friends in here."

"Must be very cramped," Crow said, leaning forward and looking at the side of the box.

"No, it's bigger on the inside, we have plenty of room," the Doctor said with a shrug.

"Yeah, so how did you get on board?" Mike said.

"Well, I'm a time traveler and this is my ship."

Mike and Crow looked at each other.

"Ship? As in spaceship?" Mike said excitedly.

"Yup. My TARDIS," the Doctor said, patting the door lovingly. "Stands for Time and…"

"To hell with what it stands for!" Crow said, cutting him off. "We can finally leave this place!"

"Oh? Are you trapped here then?" the Doctor said.

"No, we're visiting the first Disneyland in Outer Space; of course we're trapped here!" Crow said.

"Well, how should I know. I've never been here before," the Doctor said, annoyed, as he stepped outside and closed the TARDIS door.

"Don't mind Crow. He loves sarcasm," Mike said. "I'll explain, I had a predecessor named Joel that was sent here by Doctor Forrester, an evil scientist, who has a sidekick called TV's Frank. He sent Joel here as a test subject for his evil experiments and while Joel was here, he made Crow, Gypsy, Tom and Cambot. When he escaped from here, they needed a new test subject and I was temping for them at the time so they knocked me out and sent me here."

"Wait, you were temping for a mad scientist?" the Doctor said.

"Well, I'd been through a whole bunch of temp jobs and it was basically bottom of the barrel by that time," Mike said.

"And they experiment on you, this Doctor Forrest and Frank?" the Doctor said.

"Yes, they force us to watch crappy movies in the theater on board here so they can try to drive us insane," Mike said.

The Doctor gave him a long, hard look.

"He makes you watch crappy films," he finally said.

"Yeah, they're real stinkers," Crow said. "The worst of the worst."

"And why is he trying to drive you insane with this…experiment?" the Doctor said.

"Not sure exactly but we've managed to survive by making fun of the movies," Mike said proudly.

"Uh huh, that's…fascinating. Anyway, nice to meet you and…"

Just then, Tom Servo walked into the room.

"Hum de dum de dum," Tom said as he headed towards his friends.

He stopped when he saw the TARDIS and looked it over.

"Does this belong to anyone?" Tom said to Mike and Crow.

"Him," Mike said, pointing to the Doctor. "It's a spaceship and we can finally leave this hunk of junk for good."

"Aw, damn, I was gonna put it in my room. I like boxes," Tom said dejectedly.

"Never mind that, he can take us home now!" Mike said to Tom.

The Doctor was about to say something when he saw a red light flashing on the counter in front of Mike.

"Damn, it's Doctor Forester," Mike said, pushing a button.

The Doctor turned his attention to a large screen that popped up behind Cambot. Cambot turned and began to film it. The Doctor raised his eyebrow when he saw a man with wild brown hair, green glasses and a mustache and a blonde haired man that had styled his hair into a pompadour.

"Greetings Mike, bots and…odd fellow I don't know," the wild haired man said, studying the Doctor.

He looked at the man standing beside him.

"Are they having guests today, Frank?" he asked him.

"I don't think so," Frank said.

"Who is that?" the man said to Mike, pointing to the Doctor.

"I'm the Doctor," the Doctor said.

"Really? So am I! Mad doctor?" the man said.

"If you mean am I certifiable? No," the Doctor said.

"Fascinating. Anyway, I'm Doctor Forrester and you can just stand there and listen while I talk to Mike and the bots. Anyway…today, my test subjects, I have found a cinematic fart for you called Doctor Zeepot and the Lint People. Hope it doesn't scramble your brains too badly!"

The Doctor looked at Mike when Forrester and Frank laughed hysterically at that.

"This is your captor?" he said, pointing to Forrestor.

"Yeah, so…can you take us away from here?" Mike said.

"Wait? What?" Forrester said, cutting off his laugh.

"You heard me, Doctor F, this man is gonna take us far away from here and we'll never see your ugly face again and…MOVIE SIGN!" Mike yelled when lights suddenly went off and they heard a buzzing sound. The Doctor watched, shocked, as the three of them yelled, "WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIIIIGN!" as the theater doors slid open. Before the Doctor could say anything to them, the three of them were running down a long corridor, yelling like banshees that they had movie sign. He watched while door after door slid open in front of them until they reached a vault door at the end. The door slowly creaked open and they jumped through. The Doctor watched while the door closed behind them and locked and then he waited for them to come out. He waited and waited and after ten minutes of waiting, he shrugged his shoulders. He looked over his shoulder at Cambot.

"Tell them they missed their chance when they come back out," he said to him before he opened the door of his TARDIS and went back inside.

"Hey, wait!" Gypsy called from the kitchen as the TARDIS dematerialized. "You haven't tried my brownies yet!"


	80. Chapter 80

A/N: This spoof is based on V. I've never seen the new series though so it's based on the 1980's miniseries.

Chapter Eighty

(V…)

"Aw, come on, do I have to do this?" Jack whined to the Doctor. "This is so embarrassing!"

"Jack, we have to do it. These Visitors are going to start harvesting people and taking over the Earth. They've already started brainwashing certain people into working for them. It isn't gonna kill ya so just do it!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Jack grumbled as he grabbed the costume and walked out of the console room.

(Meanwhile in London…)

Diana stood on the stage at Wembley Arena facing a crowd of thousands who had gathered to hear her and her leader, John speak to them. They were surrounded by several bodyguards and aids who scanned the crowd looking for any resistance. When John came forward to the microphone, the crowd burst into cheers and applause. Diana smirked at that.

The fools, little do they know they'll soon end up as food for my people, she thought to herself.

"Humans," John said. "We, the Visitors, are your friends. And to prove that to you once and for all, we are going to give you a gesture of goodwill. All those who are interested can come on board our mothership and we will take you to our planet so you can see the wonders of our world! There will be Vistors with clipboards who will circulate through the crowd and all those who wish to see our world and our technology sign up for…"

John trailed off when he heard a sudden wheezing sound behind him. He turned and gave Diana a puzzled look. She was about to say something when a blue police box materialized into view.

"No! It can't be him!" John said, recoiling in horror. "The Time Lord has discovered our plans and…"

The guards ran around the TARDIS, drawing their blasters while they waited for the door to open. But to their surprise, the door opened and out jumped a man in a hamster costume.

"Hi there!" Jack said in a muffled voice. "I'm Happy the Hamster! Come and eat me!"

Jack began to wave his arms and dance around.

"What is this?" John sneered as Jack danced around.

"I'm Happy the Hamster and I love you!" Jack said, walking up and patting his cheek with his furry plush paw. "Let's be friends!"

"Shoot him, you fools!" John said to the guards.

He got no response and noticed the guards were staring at the hamster intently, their tongues flicking in and out of their mouths.

"Stop that!" John said, rushing over to them. "Quit flicking your tongues in front of the humans."

"But he smells so good," one of the guards said.

"What? It's not real, you idiot. It's someone in a hamster costume!" John said. "Diana, order these fools to fire…"

He trailed off when he turned around and saw Diana dirty dancing with the hamster.

"So…after this whole Hitler rally type thing, why don't we go somewhere cozy? I can feed some rats some wine, you can eat the rats and we can make love from night till morning. How about it?"

Diana flicked her tongue in and out as they danced.

"I should kill you but…that scent. Oh God, what is it?" she moaned.

"Hamster musk, the outfit reeks of it. Like it?" Jack said.

"Oh yes," Diana moaned.

Meanwhile, the Doctor, Rose and Ianto came out of the TARDIS. The Doctor groaned as he closed the door behind him. He watched while Jack danced around with Diana who was now completely horny.

"Jack, I wanted you to distract them, not date them," the Doctor said.

"It is a distraction, they're not brainwashing people at the moment, are they?" Jack said as he quickly spun around to face the Doctor.

The Doctor shook his head and turned his attention to John who was now visibly terrified. He looked at the other Visitors and smirked when all of them backed up several feet in terror.

"I see you've heard of me," the Doctor said to John. "I've heard of you as well. You and your little group of so-called Visitors. This is my territory."

"London?" John said.

"The Earth, mate," the Doctor growled as he got in his face. "Bags I when it comes to planet Earth so if you and your little group know what's best for you, you'll get in your little white spaceships, fly up to the mothership and leave the planet posthaste. Otherwise…Jack will you stop humping the lizard and back me up here?" the Doctor said when he noticed Jack and Diana were bumping and grinding. "Honestly, I can't take him anywhere. I told Jack that I meant his costume as a distraction not a kinky foreplay device. Still, he's valuable in a fight so I forgive him his tendency to bonk all and sundry. Anyway, I believe I was telling you to get the hell off my planet?"

Rose and Ianto came up beside him and gave John a pointed look.

"Shoot them, you fools!" John screamed at his guards. "He's just a man after all! He's warm blooded just like the humans are! Shoot them. Diana, quit mating with that hamster and get over here!" John said, when he noticed that Jack and Diana were now on the floor pawing and moaning at each other.

"Oh for pete's sake," Ianto said as he walked over to Jack. "Jack, you're being watched by the whole of Wembley Stadium," he said, pointing out to the confused crowd.

Jack looked over at them and raised his hand.

"IT'S OKAY, FOLKS. HAPPY THE HAMSTER IS JUST DOING A BIT OF INTERSPECIES SHAGGING HERE!" he yelled to them before he went back to fonding Diana.

Ianto sighed. He walked over to the nearest guard.

"Hi, see this," Ianto said, pointing to Jack. "This is my lover."

"Looks like a big, yummy hamster to me," the guard said.

"He's wearing a costume. You just think he's big and yummy because we doused him in hamster pheromones. But see what he's doing? Would you put up with that sort of behavior?"

"No, no, I wouldn't. I'm faithful to my girlfriend," the guard said.

"What's your name?" Ianto said.

"Bruce. And you?"

"Ianto. Pleased to meet you," he said to him.

Bruce lowered his gun and was about to shake his hand when Ianto snatched the blaster from his slightly opened hand and pointed it at him with a grin.

"Oh, you bitch," Bruce said, putting his arms up.

Ianto shot the blaster at the other Visitor's feet and told them to get their hands up. Rose collected their blasters and threw them at the Doctor's feet while Ianto guarded them. The Doctor smirked at John.

"Not leaving Earth until you and your friends do," he said, folding his arms over his chest. "So…are you going to leave or do I have to forcibly remove you?"

When he didn't reply, the Doctor seized his mask and tore it, forcing him to stand towards the crowd so they could see his lizard face underneath.

"Hey! He's a snake!" someone in the front row shouted while pointing at him.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THIS MAN IS A SLYTHERIN! HE AND HIS FRIENDS WORK FOR VOLDEMORT!" the Doctor said into the microphone.

He chuckled when there was an angry muttering from the crowd.

"HE'S A DEATH EATER, DON'T TRUST HIM!" the Doctor yelled into the microphone. "DON'T TRUST ANY OF THEM! AND PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE HAMSTER ROLLING ON THE FLOOR OVER THERE. HE'S JUST VERY RANDY AND LIKES TO SHAG THINGS!"

"He's not like us!" a man in the crowd said. "The rebels were right all along! The Death Eaters must die!"

"Better surrender now," the Doctor said to John. "You and your mates allow yourselves to be captured and I'll protect you in my TARDIS. Refuse and…HE'S ALSO GOT A BASILISK!" he yelled into the microphone. "THEY PLAN TO ENSLAVE YOU AND MAKE YOU FIGHT TO THE DEATH IN CONTESTS LIKE IN THE HUNGER GAMES!"

He grinned when the crowd's anger reached a fever pitch.

"See, some humans like to believe that some fanciful things can happen and there really is a Hogwarts or London could become District 12 someday. You feed into that fantasy life and paranoia and you have a bunch of panicky, enraged apes. Not the sort of thing you wanna stand up to, mate. These people will rip you limb from limb. Remember, England has football hooligans who love to destroy! Oh! And…THIS DEATH EATER HAS JUST INFORMED ME THAT THEY ARE PLANNING TO LET FRANCE RULE ENGLAND AND MAKE IT THEIR BITCH. THEY ALSO PLAN TO HANG, DRAW AND QUARTER WILLIAM AND KATE AND PUT THEIR HEADS ON LONDONBRIDGE!"

John's eyes widened when the crowd became frenzied and started towards the stage.

"Alright! We surrender! We surrender! Just save us from them!" John said, backing away while the crowd started to climb up on the stage.

"Everyone inside the TARDIS now!" the Doctor yelled as he ran to the front doors.

John ran up beside him, his eyes huge as he watched the enraged humans swarming the stage. By now the guards, Ianto and Rose were near the door, waiting to be let in. The Doctor unlocked the door and told everyone to get inside. He looked around for Jack and noticed Diana had now pulled his hamster head off and had her forked tongue down her throat. The Doctor ran to him and tugged hard on his ear. Jack screamed in pain.

"Get up and go, now!" the Doctor snarled at him.

Jack and Diana noticed the angry crowd and they quickly got to their feet, running to the door. The Doctor waited till they got inside before he ran in and shut the door. He locked it and while the TARDIS transmatted the prisoners from the console room to secure cells, he ran to the console and quickly flew the TARDIS into the vortex. When they were finally safe, he sank down on the jump seat and breathed a sigh of relief. Then he eyed Jack who was standing near him, the lower half of the hamster costume still on his body.

"We're going to get the rest of the Visitors off of Earth," he said to Jack. "Do you think you can control yourself long enough for us to do that or do I have to hose you down each time you try to hump a lizard?"

"I'll behave myself," Jack said while Ianto and Rose giggled. "I was distracting her, honestly."

The Doctor snorted as he got up from the jump seat and turned the TARDIS back toward Earth.


	81. Chapter 81

Chapter Eighty One

(Monty Python and the Holy Grail…)

And so…Arthur and his brave knights of the round table set off on their quest to find the Holy Grail. A quest which would take them through perilous lands, past dangerous monsters, over creaky bridges…oh and they might get body lice as well because no one here in England hardly bathes, they just spend their time rolling around in the mud and filth and getting it in their eyes, ears, up their nose. Well, come to think of it, Arthur's a king and kings don't have shit all over them so perhaps he'll be spared the body lice but the others will surely catch it and it will be uncomfortable and there'll be lots of itching and scratching and nasty red welts on the flesh and…

GET ON WITH IT!

*Ahem* Right. As I was saying, Arthur and his brave knights of the round table skipped across the land while their faithful horses banged coconuts together just a few feet behind them. The day was dreary and misty and ever so medieval looking as they rode their horses in search of that most holy of relics…The Holy Grail.

It was while they were making their way across the dreary and misty and oh so medieval lands of England that they suddenly heard a strange wheezing sound and watched while a strange box materialized in front of them as if by magic…

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"Halt!" Arthur said, raising his gloved hand while he stopped several feet from the strange box.

The knights stopped and the horses stopped banging the coconuts together. The knights dismounted and walked up beside their king.

"What strange magic is this?" Arthur said, pointing to the blue box.

"It appears to be a box, my liege," Lancelot said to him.

"But how did it come to be here?" Arthur said. "In the middle of this dreary, misty, medieval land of England?"

"No worries, my liege," Lancelot said. "I will investigate the magic box!"

"Perhaps there is a witch inside," Bedevere said, raising the grill on his helmet to get a better look.

"If it's a witch, may we burn her?" Galahad said eagerly.

The knights began to chant, "Burn! Burn the witch!" until Arthur held up his hand.

"Proceed, Sir Lancelot," he said. "And may God give you the strength to face the witch inside!"

"Thank you, my liege," Lancelot said.

"If it is a witch, may we run away?" Robin said, hiding behind his large shield.

"Don't be daft, it's only a witch," Galahad said to him. "Where's your courage, man?"

"I left it back in the forest," Robin said, his eyes peeking out from behind his shield.

Lancelot walked up to the door and started to knock on it when suddenly the door opened and Rose came outside dressed in a skimpy pink bikini. She stopped and looked around.

"Hey, I thought you said we were going to the Bahamas," she yelled back behind her.

She looked at Lancelot and Lancelot looked at her.

"Are you a witch?" Lancelot said to her.

"She has barely a stitch on. Perhaps she's planning to dance naked in the moonlight as the witches do," Bedevere said.

"But it's daytime," Galahad said.

"Perhaps she is confused then," Bedevere said.

"Could you wait a tick?" Rose said to Lancelot before running back inside.

Lancelot grunted when she slammed the door hard in his face. He put his ear to the door and heard her yelling to someone called Doctor that he made a mistake and took them to the wrong location again.

"What is the strumpet doing?" Arthur said.

"She's talking to herself inside the magic box, my liege. Shall I set fire to it and burn the witch out?" Lancelot said.

Arthur was about to say something when the door opened and the Doctor stepped outside.

"She has shapeshifted into a man," Galahad said in alarm.

"Um…hello, I'm the Doctor," the Doctor said to them.

"Greetings, strumpet who is now a man, I am Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon of the court of Camelot. How did you do such magic that now you are of the opposite sex?"

"What?" the Doctor said.

"How did you change from a woman into a man?" Bedevere said.

"Oh! You mean…no, no that was Rose. I'm not her," the Doctor said. "She's inside."

"Are you her familiar then?" Bedevere said, stepping forward. "Or some condemned soul who has been enslaved by her?"

"Familiar?" the Doctor said. "You mean, Rose? Rose isn't a witch."

"Then she is a dirty whore?" Galahad said.

"Yes, where is the strumpet so we can kill her for being a shameless whore?" Lancelot said.

Just then Jack came to the console room dressed in navy blue swim trunks, a blue towel draped over his arm.

"Woo-hoo, Bahamas, here I come!" he said, running towards the door.

He ran outside and stopped when he nearly collided with Arthur. The knights were appalled at his near nakedness while Jack looked them over in shock.

"Um…this isn't the Bahamas, I'm guessing," he said, turning towards the Doctor.

Then he saw Lancelot and his eyes lit up.

"Well, hello there," he said to Lancelot while the Doctor rolled his eyes. "What's your name?"

"I am Sir Lancelot the Brave," Lancelot said, backing away when Jack tried to cozy up to him. "And who might you be?"

"Captain Jack Harkness. So, Lancelot, ever been on a date with two other people before?" Jack purred.

"Date?" Lancelot said nervously. "Look, I don't know what you're intentions are…half…naked person but I'm not gay."

"Yes, he is," Galahad muttered.

"No, I'm not; we've been over this before and…"

He trailed off when Jack stroked his cheek. The Doctor sighed and tapped him on the shoulder. When Jack turned around, he gave him a pointed look and pointed to the console room. Jack grumbled and went back inside.

"So, you're Arthur and you're Lancelot. Who are the others then?" the Doctor said to Arthur.

"I am Sir Galahad the Pure."

"I am Sir Bedevere the Wise."

"I am Sir Robin, the Not Quite So Brave As Sir Lancelot."

"Sir Robin? Don't remember you in the stories but no matter….what are you doing?"

"We seek the Holy Grail," Arthur said dramatically.

"Right, right," the Doctor said, nodding.

"Behold, the strumpet comes forth!" Galahad said, pointing to the console room.

The Doctor looked over his shoulder and saw Rose standing just inside the door, staring at all of them.

"Be gone, strumpet witch, we will not fall under your heinous power!" Lancelot said.

The Doctor sniggered when Rose shot him a "You gotta be kidding me" look.

"What is this?" Rose said.

"This is King Arthur and his knights," the Doctor said, gesturing to them.

"Seriously?" Rose said, stepping outside.

"The witch draws nigh!" Galahad shrieked. "Run away!"

Rose raised her eyebrows when Sir Robin screamed like a little girl, turned tail and fled. All of them watched while he ran screaming until he was up and over a large hill and all they could hear was his scream getting fainter and fainter as he ran and ran and ran.

"That was Sir Robin, the Not Quite So Brave As Sir Lancelot," the Doctor said to Rose.

"If you say so," Rose muttered.

"Tell us, great enchantress, do you float in water?" Bedevere said, walking up to her and lifting his grill.

"Do I what?" Rose said.

"You weigh the same as a duck if you are a witch, so you must float in water," Bedevere said.

Rose stared at him in disbelief for a moment.

"Doctor, get us to the bleedin' Bahamas now!" she said.

"Do you float in water?" Bedevere said.

"No, I'm not a bleedin' witch," Rose said angrily while the Doctor shook with silent laughter. "I don't know where you got that from."

"This is your enchanted box, is it not?" Arthur said, pointing to the TARDIS.

"No, it's his enchanted box, I just travel in it," Rose said, gesturing to the Doctor.

"Listen, my liege, we have been mistaken. The "Doctor" is a warlock and this woman is his familiar," Bedevere said.

"Oh bloody hell," Rose said, throwing up her hands while the Doctor giggled. "I'm going back inside until you leave this nutty place. Cheers everyone, the witch is going back inside now! Have a nice day and best of British luck to ya in whatever you're doing."

"Look, my liege," Lancelot said in wonder as they watched Rose walked towards the back door of the console room. "The tart goes deeper into the box and gets smaller as she goes. This is most fearsome magic."

"Burn it!" Galahad said. "Burn it before they enslave us all with their dark magic!"

"Um…I think Rose is right, time to go to the Bahamas now," the Doctor said. "Like she said, best of British luck to ya and…bye."

The Doctor ran inside and closed the door. The men stared at the TARDIS in wonder for a moment and then screamed, "RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!" when it started dematerializing. While the TARDIS faded away, the men and horses continued to run hell for leather across that dreary, misty, medieval English countryside.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

(A millennia and a half backwards in time in a coliseum in Judea…)

"So…" Reg said as he and the members of the People's Front of Judea sat on the stone steps on the coliseum. "It's decided then. We kidnap Pilate's wife from the palace tonight and then we issue our demands. We'll show them that the PFJ means business and…"

He trailed off when he heard a wheezing sound and watched while a mysterious blue box materialized onto the arena floor.

"What the bloody hell is that thing?" Reg said.

"Maybe it's the Judean People's Front up to their old tricks again," Loretta said to him.

"In that case, I'll show em! Watch this!" Reg said, standing up.

The TARDIS door opened and the Doctor looked out.

"SPLITTER!" Reg bellowed at him.

The Doctor looked at Reg, muttered "Uh-uh" as he shook his head and ducked back inside before slamming the door.

"See," Reg said satisfied as the TARDIS began to fade away. "Gotta show those splitters who's boss around here. Now, back to business. What are we gonna do about our new member, Brian?"


	82. Chapter 82

Chapter Eighty Two

(A Christmas Story…)

I'm currently on my last life and I've seen and done a lot of extraordinary things. But there are certain memories that will stay with me until the day I die. One memory in particular that I'm really fond of is the time that my tenth self fixated on a genuine Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas. Ooooh, I can still remember it and how much I wanted it! I remember that day started calmly enough with me going to tell my gal, Rose, that I really wanted a BB gun…

"ROSE, I WANT AN AIR RIFLE!"

Rose screamed and threw her book up in the air as the Doctor zoomed inside the living room and screeched to a halt beside the sofa she was on.

"What?" she said, trying to still her beating heart.

"Rose! I want an official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!" he said, the words tumbling out of his mouth at warp speed. "With a compass on the stock and this thing that tells time! Get it for me, please, please, PLEASE!"

"What?" Rose said.

"Air rifle. You know, for shooting things."

"But you're anti-gun," Rose said.

"But this is not a gun, it's an air rifle. Please get it for me, Rose. I will be forever grateful. Go out and buy me one, now, now, NOW!"

Rose looked at the manic look in his eyes and the hungry look on his face. A wry smile spread over her face and she beckoned to him to come closer. The Doctor, with wide eyes, bent down and Rose put his arm around his shoulders and pulled his cheek to hers.

"Ooo, cheek to cheek moment," the Doctor said.

"Yes. Because I want to ask you something," Rose said.

"You want to ask me where you can purchase my BB gun?" the Doctor said.

"No, I want to ask if you have a raging cocaine addiction that I don't know about," Rose said. "And a speed addiction on top of that."

"I'm addicted to official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle, that's what I'm addicted to. Will you buy one for me?"

"No."

The Doctor's face practically hit the floor and he pulled away from Rose.

"Why not?" he said angrily.

"Because Doctor, if I know you, you'll shoot your eye out," Rose said.

"Will not," the Doctor said indignantly.

"Will too," Rose said. "Besides, why should I buy you this…air rifle."

"Because it's Christmas."

"It is?" Rose said.

"Well, it will be when I land. I'm in a Christmassy mood and I want an air rifle."

"You'll shoot your eye out!"

"Will not!" the Doctor said.

"Will too," Rose replied.

"Will not."

"Will too."

"Will not."

"Will too!"

The Doctor was about to continue the verbal sparring when Jack suddenly zoomed into the room.

"I WON!" Jack yelled, throwing his arms up in the air while Ianto came into the room after him.

"Won what?" the Doctor said.

"A major award!" Jack said, his eyes gleaming.

"What?" Rose and the Doctor said in unison.

"Owen rang him," Ianto said. "He entered some contest on Facebook on a lark and he won something. It's being delivered to the Hub."

"And we have to go back!" Jack said. "I gotta claim my prize!"

"And I gotta get an air rifle!" the Doctor added.

"Why? You'll shoot your eye out," Jack said.

"I will not!" the Doctor said, incensed as Rose giggled. "I can handle a gun!"

Jack raised his eyebrow at that.

I decided I'd gone too far in my bid for BB Gun ownership and I backed off for the moment so I could take Jack to go get his major award…whatever that means. Besides I was too filled with the Christmas spirit for them to ruin my dreams of owning my Red Ryder. I just decided to lay off the topic for the moment and find another way to hint to Rose that I needed it. I told Jack I would go and take him to the Hub so he could claim his prize and before anyone could say anything, I ran up to the front and changed course.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

"Well, where is it?" Jack said as he stepped into the Hub.

Gwen, Tosh and Owen were standing in front of the TARDIS waiting for them to come out.

"Hello would be nice?" Gwen said.

"Besides, it hasn't come yet," Owen said. "The delivery man said there might be a delay."

"Argh, hate delays," Jack whined. "Doctor, can we go forward in time and skip the delay?"

"No, Jack, we can have a cuppa and relax here," the Doctor said.

"Oh, alright," Jack muttered before he went to greet his team with a hug.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

(One hour later…)

"Jack, will you calm down?" Tosh said as they sat in the main room, drinking tea and chatting.

Jack was on tenterhooks and kept looking at the wall clock every ten seconds while he wondered what prize he was getting.

"Didn't you know what you were getting when you signed up for this stupid contest?" Owen finally said.

"No, it just said win a fabulous prize and I was so bored I entered my name."

"And you used the Hub's address?" Tosh said.

"Well, I live here, what else would I use?" Jack said defensively. "I can't have it sent to the TARDIS for obvious reasons."

"Rose," the Doctor whispered to her while they sat on the sofa.

"What?" Rose whispered back.

"Red Ryder BB Gun, get it for me," he whispered.

"No, you'll shoot your eye out," Rose whispered back.

"Damn," the Doctor muttered before he began to think of another strategy for getting his precious gun.

Everyone except Tosh froze when they suddenly heard The Carpenter's On Top Of the World coming out of a speaker above the sofa.

"What is that?" Jack said, pointing to it and asking Tosh since she was the only one blushing.

"Um…I got a novelty doorbell and I thought I'd try it out here," Tosh said sheepishly.

"The Carpenters? You couldn't get someone cooler to be our doorbell?" Jack said.

"They had a choice between that, The Macarena and Do The Hustle. I thought it was the lesser of three evils," Tosh said.

I'm on…top of the world looking down on creation and the only explanation I can find…

"Okay, going to answer the door now rather than sit here and listen to Karen Carpenter," Jack said before leaping up and bolting towards the front door.

Everyone got up and followed him and by the time they got to the door, Jack was telling two burly workmen to bring in a large rectangular crate. His eyes were agleam when he saw how large it was. He instructed them to put it down by Ianto's desk and thanked them as they left. He slammed the door, locked it and told Owen to go get a prybar. He looked at the top of the wooden crate.

"Fra-gee-lay, it must be Italian," Jack said, pointing to a word on the lid.

"It says fragile, brainiac," the Doctor said while Rose snickered.

"Oh yeah, it does. You know, sometimes you look at a word and it looks odd, like it shouldn't be spelled like that, you know?" Jack said to the Doctor.

"No, I don't know that because I don't have problems with literacy and reading words on crates," the Doctor said.

Jack blew a raspberry at him and took the prybar from Owen. Everyone stood around and watched while he pried open the lid. Once it was loose, a grin spread over his face and he quickly slid it off. Everyone gathered in closer and looked in.

"Um, this is a bunch of packing straw," Jack said.

"Dig into the straw then, braniac," Owen said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh yeah, right," Jack said.

He reached in and everyone backed up when he threw out the straw with gusto.

"I'm not cleaning this up, I want you all to know that," Ianto said as he ducked to avoid being hit in the face with a clump of straw.

"Oh my God!" Jack said when he finally saw his prize.

Everyone stared at him. Jack's face was frozen in delight, his mouth dropped open as he gazed at something inside the box.

"Oh my God, this is beautiful!" Jack said, finally reaching inside.

He grabbed something and to everyone's shock, he lifted a plastic statue of a leg out of the box and stared at it in wonder. The leg had on black nylon hose and a black stiletto.

"You won that?" Tosh said.

Jack made several unintelligible sounds of ecstasy and Ianto groaned when he saw a bulge in his trousers.

"I won a leg," Jack said in wonderment.

"Please take it into your room if you're gonna hump it," Gwen said.

Jack was about to take the leg away when something inside the crate caught his eye.

"Oh my God, do you know what this is?" he said to them.

"It's gonna be a mess once you get semen all over it," Owen said dryly.

"No, this…this is…a lamp!" he said.

He reached down and pulled out a gaudy pink lampshade that had black fringe and tassels hanging from it. He put it on top of the leg and beamed at everyone as he held his leg triumphantly out to them.

"That is not coming on the TARDIS, Jack," the Doctor said.

Jack's face fell.

"Is too."

"Is not," the Doctor said. "I'm not going to watch you hump that thing from morn till night."

"I'm not gonna hump it," Jack said.

The Doctor snorted.

"Sorry, I can decorate my room however I want and I'm not leaving this here. Mable is coming with me!" Jack said, holding the leg tightly to his chest.

"Mabel?" the Doctor said.

"Gotta have a name for my leg," Jack said.

"Fine, whatever, let's just get going, yeah? Or are you staying here and wanking off to the leg?" the Doctor said.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Jack said.

"Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of," the Doctor muttered under his breath.


	83. Chapter 83

Chapter Eighty Three

Once we got back on the TARDIS, Jack decided that his major award would look good in my console room. I tried to put my foot down because I didn't want the monstrosity within view of me but my TARDIS has a sadistic sense of humor and before anyone could say anything she provided Jack with a small wooden table by my coat rack and an electrical outlet in the wall. Jack, with a triumphant look on his face, strolled over, sat the lamp down on the table and plugged it in. Jack's face was all agleam as he stared at the gaudy thing as if it were the Holy Grail itself.

"I love it!" he said breathlessly.

"I suppose this means I'm single from now on," Ianto muttered to Rose.

The Doctor rolled his eyes when Jack started to caress the leg, running his hand up and down it. He ran over and Jack gasped with anger when he unplugged it.

"Hey, I was enjoying that," Jack said.

"I know, that's why I unplugged it," the Doctor said, walking back to his console.

Jack muttered under his breath while the Doctor asked the TARDIS to find a nice Christmassy location.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

(Christmas Eve, London, 2020…)

Aaaah, perfect, Christmas Eve in London. The shoppers were bustling, the carolers were singing, Jack was away from that thing in my console room, it was great. There was just one problem I hadn't anticipated.

The Master was nearby.

The Master. The name sent shivers up my spine. He was the meanest, rottenest, Time Lord in the Universe. He even had yellow eyes, so help me God, yellow eyes! As we walked along, looking at the shop windows, he stepped out in front of us and laughed an evil laugh.

"I got you now!" the Master said, pointing to us. "Surrender to me!"

We stood there for a moment before me, Jack and Ianto turned around and ran.

"Wait, who are you?" Rose said, clearly not intimidated by the yellow eyes.

I noticed she was just standing there like a lump and turned around to get her. The Master rawrrred at us and I grabbed her hand and we ran while he laughed hysterically. We kept on running until we were safely out of sight of him and his yellow, evil eyes.

While we were catching our breath, Jack noticed a nearby lightpole. You see, it was a very frigid December that year and there was ice and snow everywhere. It was extremely chilly, the chilliest it had been in years. While Rose and I caught our breath, Jack pointed to the light pole and began a discussion with Ianto about what would happen if Stupidarse put his tongue on it and would it freeze there because this is the sort of thing Stupidarse thinks about when he's not fighting evil people.

"I wouldn't try it, Jack," Ianto said.

"What? It wouldn't freeze there, that's an old wive's tale," Jack said.

"I have a feeling it will freeze and you'll be sorry if it does," Ianto said.

I was feeling a bit cheeky and decided to up the stakes a bit…

"I dare ya to do it," the Doctor said, gesturing to the light pole.

Jack looked at him and raised his eyebrow.

"You're daring me to put my tongue on the pole," he said.

"Yes, I'm daring you to do it…chicken," I said gleefully. "Then Rose can take a photo of your stupidity and post it on the internet."

"Jack, don't," Ianto said.

"Why don't you do it, old man?" Jack said, ignoring Ianto.

"Because I'm not the one that thought of it, you are," the Doctor said.

"Right, you just want me to look like a fool for your amusement," Jack said.

"I double dog dare ya," the Doctor said.

"Oh really?" Jack said.

I was about to triple dare him to do it when Rose suddenly jumped into the conversation and created a slight breach of etiquette.

"I triple dog dare ya," Rose said, skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat.

Jack was shocked by that display of boldness but Rose nodded and pointed to the light pole.

"Go on, if you're brave enough," she said.

"Jack, I wouldn't do it if I were you," Ianto said.

Rose made clucking noises while the Doctor sniggered. Jack folded his arms over his chest.

"Fine, I'll show you who's chicken around here," he said to them.

"Oh God, here we go," Ianto muttered under his breath.

Jack moved over to the frigid light pole and examined it while the other three leaned against the brick wall and watched him.

"Go on, fraidy cat!" the Doctor said. "Put your tongue on it!"

"Give me a second, grandpa, I'm sizing it up," Jack said angrily over his shoulder.

He leaned his face close to the light pole, his tongue darting in and out a few times before he finally put it on the pole.

"Hah!" Jack said with his tongue on the pole.

He tried to pull it off and his eyes widened when he realized his tongue really had frozen to the pole.

"Sthuck, sthuck, STHUUUCK!" he howled as he tried to pull his tongue off the pole.

"Idiot," Ianto muttered as he, the Doctor and Rose walked over to him.

Jack stopped struggling and pleaded with them silently for help. The Doctor looked at the tongue stuck to the pole and couldn't resist giggling which earned him a pissed off look from Jack.

"Gotta admit, that was ballsy of ya, Jack," the Doctor said.

"Shut up and help me geth looth," Jack said.

"Come on, Rose, let's get Einstein's tongue off the pole," the Doctor said with a sigh.

Rose got on his right side and the Doctor got on his left. They started to pull and Rose winced when the tongue remained firmly frozen to the pole. Jack tried to shake his head.

"No! Don'th pull!" he said to them.

"We have to pull, Jack. Otherwise you'll be here all day," the Doctor said. "Okay, Rose, we have to make this quick. Count of three, pull him as hard as you can. Ready? 1…2…3…"

Jack howled with pain when they grabbed under his arms, jerked him hard and his tongue jerked off the pole. Jack howled with pain and slammed a hand over his mouth. He heard sarcastic clapping behind him and turned and flipped off Ianto when he saw it was him.

Well, once we got Supergit free of the pole, we have to wait five minutes for his healing abilities to mend his torn tongue. After that, we continued on our way and Jack stayed as far away from the poles as he could possibly get while we window shopped.


	84. Chapter 84

Chapter Eighty Four

Well, we had a good laugh about Jack putting his tongue to the pole…although Jack didn't find it as amusing as we did…at least Rose and I found it funny, Ianto was lecturing him on not being a supergit but anyway…despite that moment of amusement at Harkness's expense, I realized that this wasn't getting me my beloved air rifle. I still had the problem of convincing Rose I needed it badly and wouldn't shoot my bleedin' eye out. And why did she come up with that in the first place? I've never shot my eye out with anything. Blimey, the woman is such a worrier sometimes. I've lived 900 years before she came along and I managed to survive without her assistance. I can handle a simple air rifle, for Rassilon's sake. She's not my mother!

Unfortunately, she has money and I don't…hence the whole can I have one please begging bit I have to go through with her. Which brings me back to my problem of convincing her I need a Red Ryder BB Gun. While we walked, I thought and thought and suddenly…

"Rose!"

"Yeah?" Rose said to the Doctor.

"I was thinking, what if I herd of bison came round the corner up there and stampeded towards you?" he said, pointing to the corner up ahead of them.

"What?" Rose said.

"Herd of bison, stampeding towards you and you experiencing certain doom because of it. Could happen, you know," the Doctor said casually.

"In the middle of London?" Rose said while Jack snickered and nudged Ianto.

"Escaped from the zoo…or a breeding facility. Went rabid and they hate the smell of chavs. Could happen."

"I'll ignore the chav part of that and just get to the flawed logic in your thinking," Rose said while Jack and Ianto giggled. "They don't have bison in London and even if there is one in the zoo, I don't think the entire herd would escape. Why are you even talking about this?"

"Because wouldn't it be nice if I had something to shoot the herd and prevent your grisly and messy demise?"

"I'm not getting you a bleedin' air rifle, Doctor, you'll shoot…"

"I will not shoot my eye out. I am a capable adult!" the Doctor said.

"Capable adult, eh?" Jack said over his shoulder. "I wouldn't bet your life on that."

"And this is coming from the man who just froze his tongue to a pole," the Doctor shot back.

I was about to continue the argument when I suddenly had another idea. We were passing by Harrods and a sign out front was advertising a sitting with Santa. Now I don't believe in Santa but I was thinking perhaps if I embarrassed Rose by going and sitting on Santa's lap she would buy me the gun to shut me up and prevent further humiliation. I admit it wasn't a thoroughly well thought out plan but I often wing it and see what happens. So I told them I was going to go sit on Santa's lap and ask for the air rifle. As planned, Rose was mortified, Ianto was incredulous and Jack was highly amused. I raced into the store with Rose in hot pursuit. I went up the escalator while Rose was calling my name and begging me not to do this. I glanced over her shoulder and saw Jack far behind us with Ianto. He had a shit eating grin on his face and was cheering me on while Rose and Ianto pretended not to know us.

When we got to the first floor, I could see a huge mountain right in front of me with steps leading up to the top. Santa was seated on a large gold throne with a man and woman elf flanking him. On the far side was a huge slide that led down to a mat on the ground. There was a long line of people going up to see Santa and I trotted over to the back of the queue and waited while Rose followed me.

"Doctor, stop this, please!" Rose said, tugging on my arm.

"No, I want to tell Santa I've been a good boy and I want my air rifle," I said curtly to her.

By now Rose was telling me she'd get the air rifle which was my plan but I actually wanted to do this. I'd never done the Earth custom of sitting on Santa's lap and I love trying new things so I ignored her. Rose finally gave up and stood by with Jack and Ianto, watching with a death glare while I slowly climbed the stairs towards the man impersonating Father Christmas. As I went up, I kept getting strange looks from the parents in front of me since I obviously wasn't with child but I ignored them. I'm a child at hearts, damn it. I can do what I want when I want.

When it was finally my turn, the woman elf turned to get what she thought was a child and did a double take when she saw me. I hurried over to Santa and sat down on his lap. While I stared at his shocked face, I noticed his eyes were red and blurry looking and he smelled of alcohol.

"Hello Santa," the Doctor said.

"Um…hi," Santa said. "Aren't you a bit old for this?"

"Nonsense, I believe in you wholeheartedly. I put out milk and biscuits and carrots for your reindeer every crimbo. So can I tell you what I want?"

"What you want is a good psychiatrist, mate," Santa said.

"No, I want a Red Ryder Air Rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time."

Santa looked at me with bleary eyes for a moment.

"You'll shoot your eye out," he said.

What? Even Santa said it? Is there no end to the prejudice against BB guns around here? I considered decking him for his insolence or perhaps throwing his drunken sot self into a supernova. In the end, I decided to end the practical joke since I noticed Rose was looking everywhere except at me and Jack and Ianto were giggling hysterically while Jack snapped some photos with Rose's camera. I got up from Santa's leg and was about to go back down the steps when I eyed the slide. At that point, my brain said what the hell and I ran over to it, jumped up, slammed my arse down on it and went wheee all the way to the bottom. By now, Rose was turning several shades of red and Jack and Ianto were applauding as I got up from the mat, straightened my jacket and walked over to them.

"That was even more ballsy than my tongue on the pole," Jack said in admiration. "I salute you, old man."

"Okay, okay, I'll do it, I'll get the bleedin' rifle if you just stop being an embarrassment," Rose said.

I walked up to my gal, put my arm around her and kissed her temple.

"You think I'm the cutest thing since kittens were invented," he said to her.

"No, I think you're the daftest thing since daft people were invented," Rose replied. "Look, I'll make a deal with ya. We split up and do some Christmas shopping for awhile and I'll see if I can find the air rifle, yeah?"

"That's all I ask," the Doctor said.

Pleased that I convinced Rose to get me what I desperately wanted, I waved cheerfully to Santa before all of us decided to split up and meet back at the mountain in two hours time.


	85. Chapter 85

Chapter Eighty Five

The Doctor sat on the toilet, evacuating into it while he read a copy of his favorite magazine, Time Travelers Monthly. While he read it, he suddenly got the feeling he was being watched. He turned his head to the right and gasped when he saw an audience watching him intently.

"Um…I'm not ready yet for the next chapter of the story. I'm on the toilet, this is my break time," the Doctor said. "I had to rush back to the lavatory before I soiled myself. Don't want to act out the story with soiled trousers, eh?"

The Doctor laughed for thirty seconds and then shut up when he noticed he was still being watched.

"Um…do you mind? This is sorta private time here. Yup," the Doctor said, giving everyone a pointed look.

He sighed when everyone continued to stare at him.

"Look…um…why don't you lot go watch Jack? I'm sure he's using his break time to mount a cactus or shag a poodle or do something like that. Hey! Maybe Rose is running around naked and you're missing it because you're watching me. And Ianto…Ianto's probably making coffee which isn't interesting but anyway…go!"

The Doctor gave everyone a stern look while he pointed to the door off to his left. He jabbed his finger at it again when no one moved. He sighed again.

"Blimey, you lot are persistant. Look, I know I'm loved and admired and I'm the star of the show here but I do have a life outside this fanfic and toilet time is part of that life. I don't need to defecate with the world and his wife watching me. D'ya mind?"

The Doctor went back to reading his magazine, trying to ignore everyone. Suddenly, a toot came from his poot and he turned beet red as he brought the magazine up to his face, trying to hide it from the audience. He continued to use the toilet with his face in the magazine but finally he threw it down in exasperation.

"RAAAAAWWWRRRRR!" he bellowed as he flung his arms out to the audience. "I am the fearsome Oncoming Storm and I will have privacy here! GO! LEAVE! DESIST! LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE, GO!"

He fell silent and glared at the audience. He was so angry that not even another little toot from his rear end could distract him from giving his best fearsome look of doom to the nosy people who had come to watch him crap in the toilet bowl. Finally, he gave in and quickly finished up the job. He grabbed the top of his trousers and pants and quickly pulled them up when he stood up. He flushed the toilet and moved to the sink.

"You know," he said to the audience while he washed his hands, "you're lucky I'm being paid an arseload to be in this fanfic because otherwise I'd be out on my own traveling through time and then where would you lot be? Huh? Have to go back to real life, eh? Do real things instead of wasting time in cyberspace reading about me and dreaming about being my wife or husband or partner or fuck buddy or whatever you lot think I am to you. I chose to be here of my own free will, so don't you forget it. And now that I'm done with the loo, I will go out there and amuse you and continue the story. Just don't expect me to be in a good mood while I'm doing it!"

The Doctor turned off the water, glared at the audience while he wiped his hands on a towel, flipped them the vees and then stormed out of the lavatory while he muttered to himself about celebrities and invasion of privacy.


	86. Chapter 86

Chapter Eighty Six

Jack, Ianto and Rose came out of Harrods with shopping bags and they stopped when they saw the Doctor standing there on the pavement, his face reddened by anger.

"Hey's what's wrong?" Jack said.

"What's wrong is I had an invasion of privacy issue on my break time. This lot that's reading this story went into my lavatory and watched me sit on the toilet and…well, they're lucky I'm here at all. I considered walking out of this story completely."

"You can't, you have a contract obligation," Ianto said.

"Sod the contract, I didn't sign up to be ogled on the bog. Are people really that interested in my life that they have to watch me defecate? Should I sign my poo and fling it at them so they can sell it on Ebay? Is that what the little vultures want? Will it be my kidney next?"

"Whoa, chill out," Jack said. "It's over and done with. Just move on and get back to the story."

"Fine! But I am taking this up with the fanfic characters' union when I'm done because I want more money in exchange for invasion of privacy. Wait a tick."

He walked several feet away from them and took a series of deep breaths while his friends watched. He did a Buddhist chant while Jack checked his watch and tapped his foot impatiently. Finally after five minutes, he was back to his calm, lovable, happy self and he strolled back over to them.

"Okay, where were we," he said to them.

Rose handed him the script and he glanced through it, nodded and handed it back to her. He cleared his throat and waited for the next scene…

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

The Doctor opened the door of his TARDIS and everyone went inside. Jack glared at him when he went over to the leg lamp and unplugged it.

"Hey! That's a lamp!" Jack said.

"It's an eyesore and I won't have it distracting me while I'm piloting the TARDIS," the Doctor said. "You want it, take it to your room."

Jack gave him a defiant look and walked over and plugged the lamp back in. He turned to the Doctor, daring him to make a move. The Doctor was about to shove him away and destroy the hated lamp when he had a sudden thought. Whistling, he walked away from it and out of the console room while everyone stared at him.

"Come along, Christmas is here," he yelled when he walked out of the back door.

"He's up to something, I can just tell," Jack said before he and Ianto walked away.

Rose started to follow them when a thought crossed her mind. A deliciously evil thought. She giggled and asked the TARDIS to do something special for her…

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

When Rose finally got to the living room, she stopped in the doorway and stared at the tree the TARDIS had designed for them. It was white with TARDIS blue Christmas lights strung around it and gold garland that wound around the tree. There were ceramic ornaments of all ten Doctors and every companion he ever had and the tree topper was a tiny plastic TARDIS. Rose was enchanted. She took her gifts to the tree and looked it over while she laid everything out under it. She found the ninth Doctor near the top of the tree and gently ran her fingers down him before she started looking for herself.

"I found me and Ianto," Jack said. "We're on the left side. I'm beside a penguin. Don't know why I'm beside a penguin. Surely the Doctor didn't have one for a companion. If you wanna know where you are, you're near the top on this side," Jack said, pointing to the right side of the tree. You're by his sixth life with that clown outfit he had on. That's what drew my eye to the top of the tree and then I saw you. Actually, your ornament is cute. Take a look."

Rose went around the side and looked up. She found the Sixth Doctor and then she saw herself. Her mouth opened in delight when she saw her ornament. Unlike the others, who were by themselves, she was in between the ninth and tenth Doctors. Both versions had their arms around her and she had her arms around their backs and had a huge smile on her face. Both Doctors were holding big hearts in their free hands and on the hearts she could see FOREVER written in black lettering. A lump came to her throat and she got misty eyed while she stared at it.

"Thought you might like it," Jack said as he and Ianto came up behind her.

"It's beautiful, I want to keep it when we're done here," Rose said. "It's too beautiful to go back in a box."

"So!" the Doctor said, coming inside carrying a bagful of gifts. "All ready then?"

"Where'd you get gifts?" Ianto said. "You didn't have any outside Harrods."

"TARDIS makes them for me which is why I don't need money to give my friends Chrismas gifts," he said as he pulled them out of the bag and laid them under the tree.

"Rose wants her ornament when we're done here," Jack said.

"Well, when I get my air rifle, she can have the ornament."

"Excuse me?" Rose said.

"You heard me, Tyler."

"You're bribing me now," Rose said.

"I want my air rifle and I will have it!" the Doctor said.

"Then ask the TARDIS to make it for you!" Rose said.

"No, this is Christmas and it's not fair to ask her to make something you can give me with your own money."

Rose rolled her eyes and Jack chuckled while he patted her cheek.

"So, who will play Father Christmas and pass out the gifts then?" the Doctor said.

"I will," Ianto said.

"Good man. Go to it!" the Doctor said.

He and Rose sat down on the sofa while Jack sat down on the chair beside it. Ianto sat on the floor near the tree and called out people's names while he handed the presents to everyone and put his presents beside him. When he was through, everyone tore into the wrapping with glee.

Jack frowned when he tore the wrapping off a gift given to him by the Doctor and saw it was Madonna's Sex book.

"Why?" Jack said, holding it up.

"Because you like sex and you like Madonna?" the Doctor said innocently while Rose giggled.

"Whatever," Jack said, putting it on the wooden table beside him.

"Venusian Berry Coffee?" Ianto said to the Doctor as he held up a pound of coffee in a brown bag.

"Excellent coffee, you'll love it. I drank that constantly when I was training with the Venusians. You're a coffee connoisseur so I thought you might enjoy it."

Ianto sniffed the bag and grinned at the pleasant smell. He sat it aside and unwrapped the next gift. Meanwhile, Rose unwrapped one from the Doctor and her eyes widened when she saw a plush representation of the ninth Doctor.

"Squeeze its belly," the Doctor said.

She did and grinned when she heard "Fantastic!" being uttered in the ninth Doctor's voice as it came out of a speaker inside the doll's belly. She squeezed it again and laughed when the doll said, "For the last time, Jack, quit trying to mount me while I'm working on the console!"

"When did you say that?" Jack said while Rose laughed hysterically.

"Oh, I'm sure I said it several times. You were always trying to rape me while I was doing repairs."

"Sure I was, Doctor," Jack said while Rose sniggered.

Rose squeezed it again.

"My Rose," it said.

Rose got misty eyed again and the Doctor rubbed her cheek when she held it tightly to her breast.

"Love it," Rose said.

"Good," the Doctor said. "Since I got a favorable review for it, I'll open one of yours in return."

Rose watched eagerly as he selected a large rectangular one and pulled the red wrapping off it. It was a white box and he opened it, eager to see what was inside. His face dropped when he saw a mass of pink furry fabric inside.

"Stand up and pull it out," Rose said.

The Doctor stood up, grabbed it and pulled out a large furry outfit. He could see a bunny tail and what looked like fuzzy bunny slippers at the end of the pink trouser legs. He turned it upright and realized it was a gaudy rabbit costume complete with ears. He looked at Rose in confusion while Jack and Ianto stopped what they were doing and watched.

"You want your gun, you wear that for me," Rose said, pointing to it. "See, you're not the only one who can bribe people."

"You got that at Harrods?" Ianto said. "Where? In the LSD Easter Bunny department?"

"No, I told the TARDIS to make it for me because the Doctor is going to earn that air rifle!" Rose said smugly.

The Doctor looked over the last of his unwrapped gifts.

"Where is it? Because I don't see a gift large enough to hold an air rifle," he said to her.

"I set it aside," Rose said. "You'll get it when you put that on for me. And put it on and come back in here and wear it for five minutes. That's the deal!"

The Doctor was speechless while Jack and Ianto giggled. Rose gave him a smug look.

"Well, go on, you want the gun, put it on," she said.

The Doctor stared at her for a moment before letting out a sigh and trudging out the door, dragging the bunny costume behind him.


	87. Chapter 87

Chapter Eighty Seven

"Hardy har har," Jack said dryly.

While Rose was waiting for the Doctor to come back, she decided to squeeze the doll's belly again.

"Rose," the doll said, "tell me again why we decided to take Harkness along with us? The man can't stop raping things and I hate telling aliens that he's a sex fiend."

"I'm so glad you got that bunny costume for the Doctor because I'm gonna really enjoy seeing him in it," Jack said to her.

Rose smiled and squeezed the doll's belly again.

"I am the Oncoming Storm, grrrrr. Fear me!"

Rose giggled and cuddled the doll to her chest. As she glanced over at the door she noticed a flash of pink and realized the Doctor had been sticking his head just inside the doorway and moved it away when she turned her head towards the door.

"Get in here and show us the costume or no gun," Rose yelled as Jack and Ianto turned their attention to the door.

"Do I have to?" the Doctor whined outside the door.

"You want the gun, come in here and sit," Rose said.

The Doctor let out a sigh and stepped inside. Jack and Ianto guffawed when they saw him. He was dressed head to to in the bunny outfit with only his face showing. He gave them all an annoyed look and flipped off the ceiling of the TARDIS when she rumbled out laughter.

"Now, my little Easter bunny, sit," Rose said, pointing to the sofa cushion beside her.

The Doctor trudged over to the sofa, shooting daggers at Jack who was giggling insanely at his outfit.

"You're next in this costume if you don't button it, Harkness," he said to Jack as he flopped down on the sofa.

"You need to wear that when you're battling bad guys, you really do," Jack said when he finally was able to speak again. "That is so you!"

"I'm hot and sweaty now," the Doctor whined while Rose unwrapped a gift. "Can I take it off now."

"Three more minutes," Rose said. "Oh, a book on…the history of London. Jack, why'd you get me this?"

"Because then you can go up to tourists and show off your vast knowledge of your city," Jack said. "And you can make money doing it."

"When am I gonna do that since I'm traveling with him?" Rose said, pointing to the Doctor.

"Well, eventually, Peter Cottontail's gonna boot you out the door with his big fuzzy bunny slippers, right? So you need employment after that," Jack said.

"The only place these slippers are going are up your arse and into your brain if you don't belt up," the Doctor said. "Rose, is it time now?"

"Yes, you can take it off now," Rose said.

They laughed when the Doctor zoomed out of the room shouting "Halleluiah!"

"See, I do have some control over the boy," Rose said, getting up from the sofa.

"Yes, you do and I'm very impressed," Jack said.

Rose walked out of the room, walked to a cupboard just down the passageway, opened it and pulled out a long, wrapped gift that resembled a two by four. She took it back into the living room and showed it to Jack and Ianto.

"So that wasn't a lie then," Ianto said.

"No, I wasn't lying. You think I'd make him go through that humiliation just for shits and giggles?"

"Yes," Jack and Ianto said in unison.

"Well, perhaps, but I decided the poor lamb suffered enough humiliation without telling him I didn't buy him his gift on top of it," Rose said, sitting back down and laying the gift across her lap.

Everyone waited for the Doctor to come back inside. Ten minutes later, he walked into the room.

"Blimey, it's a million degrees inside that pink monstrosity," he said before spying the gift on Rose's lap.

He froze and Rose chuckled at the delighted look on his face. He jogged over to the sofa and started to touch the box.

"Stop!" Rose said, holding up a finger.

"Now what?" the Doctor said in exasperation as he threw up his arms. "You want me to put on a purple mongoose costume now?"

"Um…no, but that's an idea worth pursuing," Rose said while Jack and Ianto giggled. "No, there are two conditions you must fulfill before I hand you this gift."

"And those conditions are…" the Doctor said.

"Number one, I want that ornament on the tree," Rose said, pointing to it.

The Doctor shrugged and nodded. Rose grinned.

"Number two, I want a nice Crimbo kiss on the lips and then you shall be given your gift."

The Doctor smiled and leaned in. They snogged passionately for a moment before the Doctor pulled away.

"Number three, kiss Jack's bum cheeks, both of em," Rose said.

"Yippee!" Jack said, leaping up.

"Wait! You said two conditions!" the Doctor said while Jack turned around, bent over and pointed to his ass.

"Both cheeks if you don't mind," he said, looking over at the Doctor.

"Now, wait a moment. I did everything you asked including putting on the manky rabbit costume. I'm not putting my lips on Jack's arse, sorry."

"Only kidding," Rose said. "You may have your gift now."

"Wait, you were bullshitting about that?" Jack said in shock. "I want him to kiss my ass!"

"Sorry, Jackie boy, my lips are strictly for Rose," the Doctor said gleefully as he took the gift off her lap.

Jack groaned at that but shut up when Ianto got up and kissed both butt cheeks before sitting back down.

"Ooo, that was just as good. Never mind, you can have Rose," Jack said before turning and sitting back down beside his lover.

"I hope it tasted good back there," the Doctor said as he sat down beside Rose.

"I've kissed it before," Ianto said with a shrug.

Rose laughed when the Doctor looked at her and made a face.

"Tad too much information just then, eh?" he said while Rose nodded.

He tore the wrapping off his gift and grinned when he saw the white box with RED RYDER on it. Under it was a drawing of Red Ryder aiming his gun beside a larger drawing of the gun itself. The Doctor grinned and kissed Rose on the lips.

"You made my day," he said to her.

"Good. Don't wanna hear about it any longer, especially if you do shoot your eye out."

"I'm not going to shoot my fuckle-doodle-doo eye out," the Doctor said, rolling his eyes while Rose laughed.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

After the gifts were unwrapped and everything was cleared away, they had a traditional Christmas dinner with Christmas pudding and Christmas crackers. Rose was wearing the little purple crown she got from her cracker while she sat in the living room with the lights off. The tree was plugged in and the blue lights were the only illumination in the room. Rose had taken her ornament off the tree and was holding it near her body while she gazed at the lights. She was so engrossed in the lights that she didn't realize the Doctor had come into the room until she felt his finger running down her cheek. She looked up at him and smiled at his handsome face illuminated by the pale blue light coming from the tree.

"All alone on Christmas?" he said to her.

"Just watching the tree, used to do that all the time when I was a kid. Mum would put up the tree and turn out the lights and I'd sit and stare at it for awhile."

The Doctor sat down beside her and put her arm around her.

"You didn't shoot your eye out yet," Rose said.

"I didn't open the box yet," the Doctor said.

Rose frowned and looked at him.

"Why? Something wrong with it?" she asked.

"No, no. I wasn't going to use it. I have a cowboy collection, one of many things I collect actually, and I wanted that to add to it. I was having you on about wanting it that badly and I wasn't gonna be gutted if you didn't get it. But you did take the trouble to get it for me and I thank you for that. And…TARDIS reproduced some money for me to pay you back because I really wasn't serious about it all. I rather liked spending time with my friends and that was the entire point of it all. I didn't know how much you spent on it so here's fifty quid. Consider it another Christmas gift," he said, putting the money in her lap. "And you can have the ornament. I figured you'd want it anyway when I asked the TARDIS to design it."

"You ever miss having a regular Christmas?" Rose said.

"No, because I can have Christmas any time I want," the Doctor said. "And…I can have Christmas without the family fights, drunkenness, headaches of cooking for hours and hours. I get the fun without the hassle. Why do you ask?"

"Because I was thinking about how lonely you must get sometimes, not having a real family of your own now."

"I do have a real family, you lot are my family. And everyone represented on that tree, minus me, is a part of my family. So I don't get as lonely as you might think."

Rose watched while he gently took the ornament from her hand and set it on the table beside him. He glanced at the door, muttered "Just making sure the sex fiend isn't there," before he leaned in and snogged Rose. Rose sighed through her nose as she and him snogged passionately and the TARDIS, seeing what they were doing, piped in Silver Bells to add to the mood.


	88. Chapter 88

Chapter Eighty Eight

"Doctor, this never works and it only gets Rose riled up and then she's angry for the rest of the day," Jack said to the Doctor while they headed down the passageway towards the living room.

"Nonsense, she enjoys the banter and the closeness it engenders, just watch!" the Doctor said.

"Your funeral," Jack said, shrugging.

The Doctor entered the living room and walked over to Rose. She was sitting on the sofa reading another book. The Doctor boldly walked up to her right side and leaned over, staring at her with wide eyes while Jack stood back and watched.

"I have come for fun and merriment again," he said to her.

Rose paid no attention to him and kept on reading.

"Why do you read so much when there's zillions of things we could be doing at this moment?" the Doctor asked.

"Because reading keeps me calm which keeps me from putting my fist in your face," Rose said without taking her eyes off the book.

"Why do you enjoy violence so much?" the Doctor said, leaning in close to her face.

"Because violence teaches you to leave me alone when I'm reading," Rose said as she read her book.

The Doctor looked at Jack and he chuckled when he winked at him and leaned in closer.

"I want to do something with yooooou," he said in a hushed voice.

Rose turned the page and said nothing. The Doctor puckered up his lips and made kissing noises while Rose read. He pointed to his overly puckered up lips while Rose kept her eyes on her book. He then shot an annoyed look at Jack when he leaned in and tried to kiss him.

"Piss off," the Doctor said, shoving him away. "I'm giving my full attention to Rose."

"Can't say the same for you, I'm afraid," Rose said as she continued to read.

The Doctor watched her read for a minute and then he put his fingertips on the top of her book.

"May I peruse your reading selection?" he said sweetly.

Rose made note of the page she was on and let go of the book. She watched while he closed the book and looked at the cover.

"The Astrology Murders," he said to Jack.

He sat down on the sofa when Rose sat up to allow him space. He quickly zipped through the pages, speed reading the story while Rose and Jack watched in astonishment. Jack chuckled when he noticed that the further he got into the story, the more disgusted his expression became.

"Don't tell me how it ends," Rose said when he neared the back of the book.

The Doctor finished reading the book, put it down on the coffee table in front of him and folded his hands in his lap while he gave Rose a stern look.

"Explain why you brought such filth into the sanctity of this TARDIS?" he said to her while Jack snickered.

"What? This book?" Rose said, pointing to it.

"This book is disgusting. A crazy man murders people in disgustingly, insane ways and she reads this for enjoyment!" the Doctor said to Jack.

"I didn't know it was a man doing the killings!" Rose said, throwing up her hands in exasperation.

Jack laughed when the Doctor froze with a deer in the headlights look on his face.

"Oh, um…well, I didn't say which man though," the Doctor quickly said to Rose.

"Don't tell me anything more!" Rose said.

"What page were you on?"

"127," Rose said.

"Okay, I remember what happened on page 127 and so it is safe to tell Jack that this person doing the killings sawed off the legs of a woman while she was tied up and conscious," he said to Jack. "Then he…let her bleed to death. I ask you, is that filth or no?"

"Depends on if he beat her with her own legs before dying," Jack said, shrugging.

Rose giggled at the peeved look on the Doctor's face.

"You're not helping, Harkness," he said.

"What's that have to do with astrology?" Jack countered.

"This person is killing people based on their zodiac sign," Rose said. "He…since the Doctor revealed that part of it, is planning twelve murders."

"So what's the significance of cutting off the woman's legs?" Jack said.

"That's just what he did to the woman," Rose said.

"But if it's the zodiac, shouldn't he murder people based on that instead of just randomly sawing off a woman's legs?" Jack said. "Did the writer even think this plot through?"

"Thank you!" the Doctor said. "And I agree, shoddy writing for a shoddy book read by a shoddy person!"

"Ooo, that was ballsy," Jack said when Rose eyed the Doctor.

"What do you want me to read then?" Rose said to the Doctor.

"Something about puppies. I enjoy puppies," the Doctor said.

"Fine. I'll find a book where a murderer ties puppies up and saws their legs off," Rose said.

"And you'd enjoy that book too," the Doctor said while Jack giggled. "You'd be on the bog reading it and laughing at the poor puppies' distress. Because you are…baaaaad!" the Doctor said with wide eyes.

"Yup! Now can I have my book back?" Rose said.

"I cannot in good conscience allow this filth to touch your hands again," the Doctor said, pointing to the book.

Rose sighed and leaned up to grab the book but the Doctor snatched it up and held it to his chest.

"I will not allow your mind to be corrupted," he said.

"I've read porn before, my mind is already corrupted," Rose said in a snotty voice.

"Really? Describe the porn," Jack said, leaning in.

"Oh, piss off!" Rose said, pushing him away. "Give me my book back," she said, holding her hand out to the Doctor.

The Doctor stared at her for a moment before puckering up his lips again. Rose gave him a withering look and tried to grab the book but the Doctor shoved it into Jack's hands. Jack gleefully ran across the room with it while the Doctor pointed to his puckered lips.

"What? You want me to kiss ya and I'll get my book back then?"

The Doctor nodded and pointed to his puckered lips. Rose balled up her hand and pointed to her fist.

"Book back please," she said. "Or fist goes in face."

"See, this book has corrupted her mind," the Doctor said over his shoulder to Jack. "She reads violent things and she reenacts them. I'm only asking for one kiss and she wants to punch me. This is why I must forbid the reading of this book."

Rose sighed and got up from the sofa. She tried to walk over to Jack but the Doctor leapt up and grabbed her, pulling her into an embrace. Rose tried not to smile while the Doctor gave her puppy dog eyes.

"Why must we be at odds?" he said sweetly.

"We're at odds because you're in here bothering me and keeping me from reading," Rose said just as sweetly.

The Doctor held her close and rocked back and forth with her while Jack snickered.

"Calm, my companion, be at peace now," he said as he rocked. "Release the violent thoughts of doing damage to my person and be mellow for a change."

He grinned when Rose's body shook with silent laughter and he kept rocking her back and forth.

"Be calm. As the Zen master Fung Shei once said, calmness is the blanket of the universe."

By now Rose was fighting hard to keep her laughter contained while the Doctor rocked her back and forth.

"Yes, that's it. Calmness," the Doctor said while Jack came up behind Rose for a closer view. "As the great Zen master, Dai Fong Chi Quo said, back up off my grill and give me peace, yo!"

Rose finally lost it and Jack grinned when she started giggling. The Doctor gave Jack a triumphant look while he continued to rock her back and forth.

"Can I have my book back please," Rose said when she sobered up enough to speak.

"No. Because desire is the root of all evil," the Doctor said. "That's what the Buddhist master, Bush Blossoms, said to his students. If you desire something it will only cause pain and that will lead to sawing the legs off puppies and that would be bad."

Rose laughed harder and Jack shook with silent laughter while the Doctor gave his friend another triumphant look.

"Bush Blossoms? Where'd ya come up with that, ya weirdo?" Rose said to the Doctor.

"He is a great Buddhist teacher I once knew. He also taught that sawing the legs off helpless women is naughty and should be avoided at all costs."

"What about sawing the legs off you?" Rose teased.

The Doctor let out a melodramatic gasp and the rocking increased.

"There, there, we mustn't think of such things," he said, patting the back of her head. "That will lead to anger and terror and pain…for me. Calm, my companion, calm."

Rose snickered and put her chin on the Doctor's shoulder.

"Has calmness descended on your person yet?" the Doctor asked.

"Yes," Rose said.

"Very good," the Doctor said, letting go. "Jack, return the book to its owner. I shall be getting a nosh in the kitchen if anyone needs me. And remember, calm, calm!" the Doctor said over his shoulder while he walked towards the living room door.

Rose took the book from Jack when he held it out to her.

"You just love following him around and seeing what he'll do next, don't cha?" she said to Jack.

"I get bored easily, I find entertainment wherever I can," Jack said, putting his hands in his pockets while he headed for the door. "Remember, no sawing the legs off things, you filthy minded girl."

"Piss off," Rose said good-naturedly.

She sat down, watched while Jack walked out of the room and with a chuckle went back to reading her book.


	89. Chapter 89

Chapter Eighty Nine

The Doctor was in the console room with Jack and Ianto. The three men were sitting on the jump seat, chatting with one another when suddenly Rose zoomed into the room and pointed at the Doctor with wide eyes.

"There you are! I want to do something with yooooou!" she said as she flounced over.

Jack laughed when Rose jammed her face into the Doctor's face until it was inches away.

"How-do!" Rose said with wide eyes. "I want to do something and you're just sitting here. Why are you sitting here when we could be doing trillions of things at this very moment? Hmm, hmm, hmmmmmmmm?"

The Doctor snickered when Rose jerked her head around and pointed to the concentric circles on the monitor. She let out a melodramatic gasp and flounced over to it. She leaned down into the monitor.

"This is naughty! How can you bring such filth into the TARDIS," Rose said as she pressed her nose against the monitor.

"I have the feeling Rose is mocking me," the Doctor said to Jack and Ianto.

"No, really?" Jack said with wide eyes. "Surely not!"

"Hey, I have a bum," Rose said as she pointed behind at her ass. "Examine, worship and kiss it. Just letting you know about my bum, I have a bum back there."

"It's awfully fat," Jack said.

The Doctor and Ianto laughed when Rose jerked her head up and spun around. But instead of going to Jack, she went and sat on Ianto's lap.

"That was a naughty thing to say, how dare you say such insulting things about my arse," Rose said to Ianto.

"I didn't say it, Jack did," Ianto said with a grin.

The Doctor and Jack giggled and Ianto smiled when Rose stared at him with wide eyes for a moment.

"I have an arse," she finally said to Ianto.

"So do I," Ianto said.

"But it's not as magnificent as mine. My arse is scrump-diddley-licious and you can't compete with it. You do make good coffee though so you do have your uses," she added, patting him on the head. "But you…" she said, getting in Jack's face. "What is your function and why should I stop myself from throwing you out into the vortex this very moment?"

"Well, I'm a stud for starters," Jack said. "And I have this incredibly gorgeous face that just defies description. Also, I'm fun to be with and a witty raconteur and a bon vivant."

Rose stared at him for a moment.

"I have an arse," she said while Ianto and the Doctor sniggered.

"As I mentioned earlier, you do and it's fat," Jack said. "But enough about your fat bum, how's about a kiss since our lips are practically touching now."

"Nah!" Rose said, leaping up.

She walked over and sat on the Doctor's lap.

"And you, what justifies your existence?" she said to him.

"I am the reason you don't have a shitty life anymore," the Doctor said.

Rose stared at him for a moment before pretending to pick a bogey out of her nose and putting it in his hair. Jack and Ianto laughed and the Doctor shook with silent laughter when she got up and began to dance in front of them.

"I'm superioooor," she sang loudly. "I'm superioooor! I'm not a little whore, at least not anymooooore!"

The three men chortled when she slammed her butt back down on the Doctor's lap and stared at him.

"Rose needs to get drunk more often," Jack said to his friends.

"Oh no! Sleepytime for me!" Rose said with wide eyes before slamming her head onto the Doctor's shoulder and zizzing loudly.

"Pick that bogey out of your hair and put it in her mouth," Ianto said to the Doctor.

"Okay, kip time has ceased!" Rose said, jerking her head back up. "Hey, E.T., I'm famished, get your alien arse up and fix me nibbles!"

"You dare insult me by calling me E.T.?" the Doctor said with a twinkle in his eyes.

Rose stared at him for a moment.

"Well, Alf, where's my nibbles?" he said while Jack and Ianto bent over laughing. "Come on, spaceman, get em for me! My rumbly in my tumbly is getting louder by the minute!"

"I would go if you got up off my lap," the Doctor said.

"But I'm comfy here and you're a big, bad, intelligent space alien. Mind doolally them to me or something like that. You know, use that melon of yours and telepathically cook the food and deliver it promptly to me or else I'll strap you down and…"

Rose trailed off when she couldn't think of something to say to finish the sentence.

"Yes?" the Doctor said while Jack and Ianto laughed. "What will you do to me once I'm strapped down?"

"Um…beat you?" Rose said, feigning hesitance, "with a…Rubik's Cube…until you have a humongous dent in your head?"

"Wow, that sounds painful," Jack said. "Being beaten to death by an '80's toy is horrendous."

"I told you, violent books begets violent thoughts," the Doctor said to him.

"Oh, shut up, Data and go get me my nosh," Rose said.

"Data was an android, not an alien," the Doctor said smugly.

"Okay, Spock then. Live long and prosper me up some nibbles, damn it! Come on, Mork, what do I pay you for?"

"Na-noo, na-noo," Jack said to the Doctor. "Shazbot!"

"Yeah, all that!" Rose said, waving her hand dismissively. "Well, Flash Gordon? Are you and Buck Rogers going to get me sarnies now?"

"Those were humans," the Doctor said.

"I don't give a flippity floo what they were; I want my bacon butties NOW!"

Jack and Ianto laughed when Rose screamed the last word in the Doctor's face.

"So…you requested nibbles, sarnies and bacon butties, what do you want then?" the Doctor said.

"All of them and some sort of spacey wacey thing on top of it, like alien bogey fizzy drink or something you lot used to drink back on that planet of yours," Rose said. "I'm hungry, so hop to it and get me what I desire or the TARDIS will disintegrate you all!"

"The TARDIS belongs to me," the Doctor said.

"I give the TARDIS more love than you do so she listens to me now," Rose said.

"Is that true?" the Doctor said, looking up at the ceiling.

The TARDIS grunted loudly.

"Oh, shut up, you do not," the Doctor teased his ship while she rumbled out laughter.

"TARDIS, turn off your lights!" Rose said loudly.

The console room fell into darkness while the TARDIS grumbled out laughter.

"Aw, what a shame," Jack said. "We can't see her fabulous arse now."

"Quick, TARDIS, turn the lights back on," Rose said. "Not seeing my arse is a crime against the universe."

The TARDIS rumbled laughter and restored the lights.

"I get the feeling the TARDIS enjoys watching us," the Doctor said. "This is her entertainment since she can't go anywhere."

"Well, I thought I'd give you a bit of your own medicine and see how you like it," Rose said, pressing a finger against his nose.

"Actually, I enjoy it. This is what I like to see, rather than you sit there and read horrible novels about legs being sawn off and things like that," the Doctor said.

"Well, I'll try to entertain you more often then," Rose said. "But for now, I really am hungry and a sarnie sounds good. So ttfn, all of you!"

Rose got up and started to walk away and grunted when Jack slapped her butt hard.

"Sorry, I was so dazzled by your arse that I had to touch it," Jack said.

The Doctor giggled when she smacked his head a few times before hurrying out of the console room.


	90. Chapter 90

Chapter Ninety

Rose was walking down the TARDIS passageway when she suddenly noticed that the narrow passageway was widening out. She stopped and looked around as the corridor got wider and wider, wondering what the hell was going on. Then she suddenly heard a tinkly tune drifting from another corridor behind her. The tune seemed to be Turkey in the Straw. She frowned, wondering what was going on when suddenly she saw a lorry turn the corner into her corridor. The Doctor was at the wheel of a huge ice cream truck. The music was coming from the white truck as the Doctor slowed his speed and slowly came to a stop beside her. The side of the truck was covered with photos of ice lollies and ice creams and there was a speaker on top of the truck. The Doctor turned off the engine, got out and walked around to the back. He opened a pair of doors and got up inside. Then he slid open a door in the side of the truck and lowered a small formica counter until it was under the window. Rose watched while he took off his brown jacket, put on a white one and put a little white cap on his head. Then he leaned on the windowsill and stared directly at her in anticipation. When Rose didn't say anything, he reached up into the ceiling and brought down a microphone.

"Ice lollies and ice creams," he said into the microphone while the speaker blared his voice down the corridor. "Fifty pence for lollies, one quid for ice cream. Come and get your sweet treats today!"

He lowered the microphone and looked pointedly at Rose.

"Is this something you do in your spare time?" Rose said.

"I do many things in my spare time," the Doctor said. "One of which is selling ice lollies and ice cream to my hungry companions."

"And you charge for them? We can get that stuff from the TARDIS for free if we ask for it," Rose said.

"Play along, Tyler," the Doctor said wearily.

"I have no money on me, sorry," Rose said with a shrug.

The Doctor reached into his pocket and held out two quid to her. He gave her a pointed look while he flicked the bills up and down in his hands. Rose took them and he pointed to the photos around the window.

"Take your pick, miss," the Doctor said. "Get a sweet treat to eat."

Rose examined the photos. Each photo had the name of the treat in black letters along with a price. The Doctor pretended to be bored while he leaned on the windowsill while Rose perused the selection. She realized that some of the sweets were unfamiliar to her.

"Bongoberry Blitz?" she said, pointing to a photo of a scoop of blue ice cream on top of a cornet.

"Is that what you want?" the Doctor said, leaning out a bit more to look at her.

"No, I'm asking what is it? I've never heard of it."

"It's from Salza, it's the national dessert," the Doctor said.

"And what does it taste like?" Rose said.

"Like bongoberries obviously," the Doctor said condescendingly.

Rose rolled her eyes and studied the other photos.

"Right, I'll have a scoop of vanilla then," she said, walking over to the window and holding a quid out to the Doctor.

She frowned when the Doctor just stared at her with wide eyes.

"It's a quid, right?" Rose said, holding the bill out further.

"All these choices and you want vanilla?" the Doctor said in disbelief. "I have wonderfully good things to eat and you want boring old vanilla? Why?"

"Because I don't know what most of this stuff is and I'm sticking with an old reliable. Do you want the quid or not?" Rose said.

The Doctor held up his finger and ducked down below the window. Rose dropped her arm to her side and listened while he opened a fridge. A few minutes later, he leapt back up and held out a small pink plastic spoon to her. On the spoon was a tiny bit of the bongoberry ice cream.

"Taste it, Miss Vanilla," he said to her.

Rose tasted the ice cream.

"Tastes like a very tart cherry," she said. "Don't think I fancy it."

The Doctor held out his hand and pointed to the spoon. Rose gave it back to him and he ducked down under the window again. He came back up and now the spoon had a brownish colored ice cream on it.

"This is Maple Dunkin' Delight," he said to her. "Tastes like maple syrup."

Rose tried it and her eyes widened in delight.

"Mmm, it does, it really does. This is good."

"Sooooo…Maple Dunkin' Delight then?"

"Um…yeah, I'll have a scoop," Rose said.

The Doctor took the spoon back and threw it away. He then reached under and pulled out the carton of Maple Dunkin' Delight and took it to a small table behind him. He pulled out a box of cornets and put a scoop onto one. He then took the quid from Rose and handed her the ice cream.

"Anything else, miss?" he said.

"No, that'll do," Rose said. "Thanks."

"No worries, just tending to the needs of my companions. Enjoy."

The Doctor pulled up the counter and slid the door closed. Rose stepped back and watched. A minute later, he came out the back of the truck, wearing his jacket with his hair slightly mussed from wearing the hat. He got in the front and started the engine. Rose giggled and leaned back against the wall, watching while the Doctor drove off down the corridor, calling out to Jack and Ianto to come and get their treats while the music tinkled through the corridor.


	91. Chapter 91

Chapter Ninety One

Rose was sitting in the living room reading The Astrology Murders while she was lying on the sofa. She turned the page and was about to read on when suddenly the Doctor stomped into the room.

"READING AGAIN!" he bellowed. "ARE YOU TURNING INTO SOME SORT OF BOOKWORM? GEESH DARN! I WANT TO HAVE SOME FUN!"

Without looking up, Rose flipped him the vees.

"Geesh darn, woman, you will be the death of me yet with you and your reading habit!" the Doctor said as he stomped out of the room.

"Oh well," Rose murmured to herself as she turned her attention back to her book.

She got through two more pages when the Doctor suddenly entered the room. Rose glanced at him and did a double take. The Doctor had a beehive wig on his head that was piled up like Marge Simpson and was cotton candy pink. He was wearing an apron around his waist that said KISS THE COOK on it and in his hand he was carrying a purple leather bound book. He walked over to the chair beside Rose and plopped down into it.

"Bang zoola, human," he said to her as he took his glasses out of his jacket pocket and putting them on. "I have found a book and I'm going to read it to you now so you can listen and learn."

"Bang zoola?" Rose said.

"Yes, it's Yap-Yappy for many blessings. Now!" the Doctor said, opening the book to a random page. "Let's begin."

Rose rolled her eyes, marked her place with a bookmark and put the book on her lap while the Doctor cleared his throat loudly and began to read aloud.

"No, what is this? This can't be happening to me, Bambi said to herself as she saw the ginormous UFO in front of her," the Doctor read aloud. "Then suddenly she found herself transmatted aboard the ship. Standing before her was a tall, dark and handsome alien. The alien raised his hand I greeting. Bang zoola, Earthling, he said. I am Mungmung the Magnificent and you are now my slave."

"You do realize I don't give a damn about your story, right?" Rose said, glancing back at him.

"But I don't want to be your slave," the Doctor read on as he ignored her. "I need to get back to my house so I can throw a party and get high and pissed. No, the alien said, you must come with me now. I can offer you so much! Really? What, Bambi said, tilting her head in a manner similar to dogs when you say something to them. Yes, observe, Mungmung the Magnificent said as he threw open his robe. There was a huge bang as Mungmung's magnificent penis hit the floor. Bambi's mouth flew open and suddenly she realized that bonking an alien could be fun."

The Doctor grinned when Rose giggled at that. He was about to read on when Jack suddenly entered the room with Ianto. They were holding hands and had huge smiles on their faces.

"You two look like you're over the moon," Rose said to them.

"We…uh…had some fun in our bedroom," Jack said while Ianto coughed nervously. "What are you two doing in here? And why the hell are you wearing a wig and apron?" he said to the Doctor. "Is this some kind of kinky roleplaying game?"

"No, he was reading to me," Rose said, gesturing to the Doctor's book.

"Really? What were you reading to her?" Jack said as he and Ianto came up to his chair.

"Nothing, nothing really," the Doctor said while Rose snickered.

He gasped when Jack snatched the book from his hand. He let go of Ianto's hand and opened the book. Rose watched expantantly while he read a page for a moment. He suddenly frowned in confusion and looked up at the Doctor.

"You're reading her a book on string theory?" Jack said to the Doctor while Rose laughed harder.

"Yes, I like to educate Rose from time to time. Improve her ape mind, if you will," the Doctor said airily.

"He was telling me a story about some tart called Bambi who got kidnapped by an alien who had a penis that hit the floor. The alien was about to rape Bambi when you walked in," Rose said to them.

"Is that so? Continue the story then," Jack said as he and Ianto sat down in the chairs nearest the Doctor.

"Nah, you don't wanna hear…"

The Doctor fell silent when Jack snatched the wig off his head and put it on.

"I would take your apron too but you're sitting down and I don't wanna get a thump in the head the moment I bent over and tried to untie it from around your waist," Jack said.

The Doctor looked at the wig on Jack's head and chuckled.

"I wouldn't laugh, it looked ten times more ridiculous on your noggin," Jack said. "But thanks for the wig anyway, now Yan and I can use…"

"I think not!" the Doctor said, leaping up and snatching it off his head. "I put it on to make Rose laugh. It was intended for that purpose and I'll be damned if I see you use it in some sort of kinky foreplay thing with your boyfriend. Now! I want you all to pay attention to me because I have some…"

"So anyway, Rose," Jack said, deliberately ignoring the Doctor, "still reading that book?"

"I SAID, PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" the Doctor yelled.

"Yeah, I am. It's really good, despite what the attention whore thinks," Rose said, gesturing to the Doctor while she kept her eyes on Jack.

"ATTENTION MUST BE GIVEN TO ME!" the Doctor bellowed as he jabbed his finger repeatedly at his chest.

"You ever notice how loud the Doctor gets when no one is paying him any attention?" Jack said to Rose.

"I SAID…"

"Alright, alright, what is it?" Jack said, turning in his seat to face him.

"Thank you," the Doctor said. "Now, we're going to go on an adventure so everyone up," he said, clapping his hands. "Come on, up and at em and follow me! Hup two three four, hup two three four," he said as he marched towards the door.

"Should we follow the poor sap?" Jack asked his friends.

"I said we should before he wets himself from yelling at us," Ianto said.

"I agree or gives himself a stroke," Rose said. "I for one don't want to carry him around while he's addled and drooling."

"Neither do I. Come along then, sweety and sibling, let's go see what the Doctor has planned," Jack said as they got up.


	92. Chapter 92

Chapter Ninety Two

"So where are we going, insecure and attention loving leader?" Jack said as the three of them followed the Doctor through the corridors. "Because I'm guessing we're moving away from the console room."

"You are correct," the Doctor said over his shoulder. "We are going to something far more interesting!"

"More interesting than the console room?" Ianto said dryly. "Do you think we could withstand all that excitement?"

"Yeah, we can," Rose said. "We are courageous companions to the Doctor. We can do anything!"

"We are strong and we are bold…" Jack chanted.

He fell silent for a moment while he tried to think of something to rhyme with bold.

"God, the Doctor's really old," he finally said while Rose and Ianto sniggered.

"If that was meant to be an insult, Harkness, you failed miserably," the Doctor said over his shoulder. "Ah, here we are, the Room of Doom!"

Jack looked at Rose and Ianto and rolled his eyes while the Doctor put his hand on the metal door handle. He paused and stared at everyone with wide eyes.

"Do you think you can handle…the Room of Doom?" he said in a hushed voice.

"I've smelt your farts before, Doctor. I think I can handle the Room of Doom," Rose said.

Jack and Ianto bent over laughing when the Doctor gave her a peeved look. Then his expression became manical again as he slowly opened the door. Jack gave him a withering look when he said, "Creeeeeeek!" in a soft, high-pitched voice while he opened it.

"Behold," he said in a dramatic whisper, "the Room of Doom."

"Oh get away from the door, Vincent Price," Jack said, pushing him away while Ianto and Rose laughed.

Jack went inside and sighed when he saw a fake looking graveyard in front of him. The kind of graveyard that looked like it came from a Halloween tableau. Rose and Ianto came inside the room and stood beside him while the Doctor sneaked in behind them and edged away to the right.

"Gee, Doc, the Room of Doom looks stupid and boring," Jack said, catching sight of the Doctor while he ducked behind a large gravestone. "And what are you doing over there? Going to be Count Dracula for our amusement?"

The Doctor raised his head up and peeked over the top of the granite gravestone.

"Do you know what's over here?" he said as his eyes stared at them.

"An idiot who thinks he's all that and he really isn't?" Jack said while Rose and Ianto sniggered.

"This…is the tomb of Barnabus Bletchly," the Doctor said.

Rose and Ianto laughed harder when Jack threw up his hands, screamed like a girl and ran from the room. Rose looked at Ianto.

"Dare we ask who Barnabus Bletchly is?" she said.

"Go ahead, it might be interesting," Ianto said, nudging her.

"Has he raised the spirit of Bletchly yet?" Jack said, sticking his head back in the open door. "Because I haven't peed this morning and I don't want to get my trousers wet."

"Barnabus Bletchly is…"

The Doctor gave Jack an annoyed look when he screamed again at the sound of the name and jerked his head back out. The Doctor stood up and walked towards Rose and Ianto.

"Barnabus Bletchly is the Hook Handed Murderer," he said in an ominous voice.

"Okay," Rose said.

She grinned when the Doctor stared at her.

"And?" Rose said when he didn't say anything more.

"And he is…The Hook Handed Murderer," the Doctor said.

"And is that s'posed to mean something to me?" Rose said.

"He kills without mercy," the Doctor said ominously.

"Yeah, and?" Rose said.

The Doctor formed his right hand into the shape of a hook and pretended to scrape the flesh off her bones.

"Yeah, that's terrifying alright," Rose said without emotion while Ianto snickered. "I thought Daleks were pee your pants scary but they're kittens compared to Barnabus Bletchly. Oh whatever shall I do? Especially since he's supposedly dead over there."

"Oh, but he lives!" the Doctor said melodramatically. "He lives…in meeeeeeeeee!"

"Hey, I'm going back to my book now, have fun," Rose said to Ianto.

"No!" the Doctor said, grabbing her shoulder when she stared to walk out the door. "I must appease the spirit of Barnabus Bletchly with a human sacrifice!"

"I thought you were Barnabus Bletchly," Rose said.

"No, his spirit lives in me and it demands blooooooood!" the Doctor said in a quivering voice.

"And I'm it then?" Rose said, trying to keep a straight face.

"No, you are not worthy of a sacrifice!" the Doctor said. "I must have…Coffee Boy!"

"Me?" Ianto said.

"Yes! You anger him with your coffee making skills," the Doctor said in a raspy voice, "he prefers lager to coffee so now you must diiiiie!"

"Where is Jack, did he leave?" Rose said, walking towards the door.

"Wait, what about me? He's gonna sacrifice me," Ianto said to Rose.

"In a minute, I want to see if Jack swanned off and managed to get away from here," Rose said.

She started to stick her head out the door and screamed when Jack leapt at her and yelled, "Bwaaaah!" with his arms raised in the air. He chuckled and patted her shoulder and came back inside.

"Being sacrificed to Doolally Dofus here, Yan?" Jack said, coming up beside his lover and laying his hand on his shoulder. "That sucks. I'll miss ya, buddy. Have fun being killed by Dingle Dork here."

"You really spoil the mood, you know that?" the Doctor said in his normal voice.

"I'm playing along," Jack said. "I'm just wishing my man godspeed and happy heart ripping. You are ripping his heart out with your hook, right?"

"No, I'm going to cook and eat him," the Doctor said.

"Oh, well…Ianto is tasty, take it from me. I've eaten him many times, at least a certain part of him anyway," Jack said.

"I believe the response to that is TMI, Jack," the Doctor said while Rose laughed.

"So this is why it's called the Room of Doom, eh?" Jack said. "Because some reject from an urban legend is buried here?"

"No, there is more, much more!" the Doctor said ominously as he hurried across the graveyard.

"Hmm, guess Captain Hook wasn't hungry after all," Jack said to Ianto as he put his arm around him.

"See this?" the Doctor said, pointing to a large, white marble crypt.

"Ooo, is that your playhouse, Barnabus?" Jack said with feigned glee. "Oh! It's ever so lovely!"

"This is the…Crypt of the Undead!" the Doctor said in a hushed voice.

"Wanna speak up, Vincent, I couldn't hear that from all the way over here," Jack said, putting his hand to his ear.

"This is the CRYPT OF THE UNDEAD!" the Doctor bellowed.

"Oh, okay, Crypt of the Undead, gotcha," Jack said while Rose and Ianto giggled. "Thanks for speaking up for a change."

"Inside," the Doctor said in his normal voice, "are the bodies of my other selves. Except…they live!"

"And what? You have slumber parties with them?" Jack said.

"Bring out the ninth Doctor, I wanna say hello," Rose called out.

The Doctor flounced over to the marble crypt door and stared at them with wide eyes while he slowly opened it.

"Yeah, I'm just shitting myself with fear right now," Jack said dryly as the Doctor went inside. "Anyone else think this is a shitty graveyard?"

They waited for the Doctor to come out. He finally did and he wore a brown fedora and a long multicolored scarf.

"I am the forth Doctor," he said in a quavering voice as he held his arms out in front of him zombie-style. "Brains!"

"Okay, I've seen enough, back to the living room, everyone?" Jack said to Rose and Ianto.

They nodded and the Doctor stared at them while they all ran out the door.

"Hey, I wasn't done yet," he said while Jack slammed the door behind them.


	93. Chapter 93

Chapter Ninety Three

"Ah, at last, peace and quiet!" Jack said as he, Rose and Ianto walked into the living room. "No more nutty Time Lord trying to impress us with stupid shit he makes up off the top of his head."

"I don't know, I thought it was…amusing," Rose said as she and Ianto settled down onto the sofa.

"That's because he's your main squeeze and you're required to think that," Jack said, settling down into the chair beside the sofa. "I on the other hand would have punched him long ago."

"I thought you fancied him," Rose teased.

"I do. But then I wake up and look at Ianto and think, this man doesn't jump in my face and yell snark, snark or show me graveyards that have nothing in them and pretend there is something in them. Yan is sweet, dependable and sane and I enjoy that."

"Thank you," Ianto said, smiling.

"The Doctor's like radiation, only safe in small doses," Jack said. "Anything excessive will cause damage to the body and mind."

The Doctor suddenly came into the room, walked up to Rose and grabbed her hand. He then tried to walk off, holding Rose's hand and straining when she wouldn't get up off the sofa.

"See?" Jack said while the Doctor looked at Rose with annoyance. "He's back for more and he demands you go with him because he supposedly graced you by allowing you to travel with him. So now you must participate in all his bullshit."

The Doctor stopped tugging at Rose's arm and looked at him.

"I have an amusement park on board this TARDIS that I thought Rose might enjoy," he said to him. "I do not make her participate in bullshit. You make Ianto listen to your idiotic stories about how manly and heroic you are. That is bullshit. This is enjoying a day with my gal, is that okay with you, Harkness?"

"Fine, knock yourself out," Jack said, holding up his hands.

"You have an amusement park in here?" Rose said.

"I have nearly everything in here, this is more than a ship it's a whole world for me," the Doctor said. "Why do you think I'm gutted whenever I lose her? So come on, come see my amusement park!" he said, tugging on her arm again.

"What is it? Disneyland?" Jack said.

"No, even better. Doctorland! My own personal amusement park," the Doctor said.

"Suddenly, I have to see this," Rose said, getting up from the sofa.

Jack looked at Ianto. They both grinned and followed the Doctor and Rose out of the room.

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

After requesting that the TARDIS move Doctorland to them, they stepped through a door and were dazzled by the sight of a gigantic TARDIS sitting in the middle of a vast theme park.

"Welcome to Doctorland! The happiest place…in the TARDIS," the Doctor said.

"So, is that huge TARDIS supposed to be like the castle at Disneyland?" Jack said, pointing to it.

"Yes, it's just as tall as the castle and it sits in the center of all the lands," the Doctor said.

"What lands?" Jack said.

"Oh, Gallifrey Land, Adventure Land, Terrorland, that sort of thing," the Doctor said dismissively.

"I wanna go to Gallifrey land first," Rose said.

"I wanna go to Naked Doctor Land," Jack said eagerly.

"There is no Naked Doctor Land," the Doctor said.

Jack pretended to pout as they followed the Doctor to a small TARDIS blue tram. The Doctor climbed in the front while his companions found seats in the back. He pulled down a microphone that was resting in a black plastic holder above his head and spoke into it while he drove towards the entrance.

"Welcome, my friends, to Doctorland," he said into the microphone while he drove, "the happiest place in the TARDIS. Before we go in, I would like to give you a few rules. One, everything is free so don't go berserk, especially on the food. I don't wanna have to run with a five hundred pound ball of flesh tagging along behind me. Secondly, litter is a big no-no, so refrain from throwing trash around or I will throw you around. Third, do not hump the statues of myself, that one's for Jack mainly."

"Damn!" Jack said, slapping his leg while Ianto and Rose giggled.

"Fourthly, Rose Tyler is a cute little smurf, just throwing that out there. Fifth, Ianto Jones is dignified and intelligent and makes the best damn coffee in the world, also throwing that out. Sixth, Jack is…alive. Anyway, those are the rules; we shall be going to the entrance gate shortly where robot staff will greet you. Oh! Seventhly, no humping the robots either. That's all from me and have a fantastic time in Doctorland."

As they drove through an empty car park to the main entrance, they could see two enormous animatronic robots of the Tenth Doctor. They were standing on either side of the entrance gate, moving their heads from side to side, grinning a cheesy grin and waving with one hand while holding up a large wooden sign with the other. The sign was positioned across the top of the gate and it said DOCTORLAND in large TARDIS blue lettering. When the Doctor pulled the tram up and parked a few feet from the gate, they heard the robots singing when he turned off the motor.

"Welcome to Doctorland, the happiest place on Earth," the robots were singing in unison. "Once you pass this tiny gate, you'll find happiness, joy and mirth. The Doctor is a wonderful man, we're very glad to say. Jack is forbidden to rape anything, so have a happy day."

"Oh, ha ha," Jack said while Ianto and Rose bent over laughing. "And we're not on Earth."

"I couldn't find a suitable rhyme for TARDIS, okay?" the Doctor said. "Now follow me. I have a VIP pass because I own the park so we can walk right through the gates without paying or waiting. Isn't that brilliant?"

"Whoop-di-frickin'-doo," Jack said, spinning his finger around as he, Ianto and Rose followed him to the gate.


	94. Chapter 94

Chapter Ninety Four

"Now!" the Doctor said after the gates swung open and they walked inside, "this is my theme park. Enjoy!"

"Hey, can you do me a favor and edit out the whole I'm forbidden to rape things from your idiotic song?" Jack said when he heard the song repeat behind them. "I'm not a nymphomaniac."

He frowned in confusion when the Doctor stared at him as if waiting for something.

"Did you hear me?" Jack said finally.

"Yes, I'm waiting for the punchline to the whole I'm not a nymphomaniac joke you're telling."

Rose and Ianto giggled while Jack flipped him off. The Doctor turned around and pointed to a large cobblestone path in front of them. The path led over an arched stone bridge to the TARDIS structure where it curved around either side of it. On either side of the street before the bridge were different colorful buildings.

"This is High Street, comparable to Main Street in Disneyland," the Doctor told his friends as they came up beside him. "This is where some of the shops are located that sell bits and bobs and such. Not much excitement to be found but it does pay the bills for this place."

"Pay what bills? This is inside your ship, Dingle Dork," Jack said. "Who comes here besides us?"

"All and sundry. Now!" the Doctor said, walking away. "Follow me. We'll shop later."

"I think the Doctor loves living in his own little fantasy world, don't you?" Jack said to Ianto and Rose while they followed him.

They walked over the bridge towards the TARDIS structure.

"So does that thing open up so we can go inside it?" Ianto asked, pointing to it.

"No, it's merely for show. If it opened up, we'd be like tiny mice inside it and that would be too disturbing for me. Come on!"

They walked the tree lined path around the TARDIS. Rose was shocked when they got around the structure. The path straightened out into another hub area where various lands jutted off from it like spokes on a wheel. What amazed Rose was off to the right, she could see a huge animatronic robot of herself. The robot's head turned like the Doctor robots at the front and it was smiling and waving.

"What is that?" Rose said, pointing to it.

"That's the entrance to Rose Land," the Doctor said.

"What? Rose has her own land? Do I have my own land too?" Jack said.

"No. Because Jack Land would be pornographic and I have to think of the kids, come on."

"What kids?" Jack muttered while Ianto snickered.

"Possibly some of the robots he mentioned are children?" Ianto said with a shrug.

They walked towards Rose Land. Rose could now see that her animatronic self was holding a sign up in her right hand similar to the one the Doctor's were holding up. On the other side of the sign was a white pole with a large trellis attached to it. Red roses were growing up the trellis. In fact, Rose could see roses everywhere inside her land. Most of them were red roses but she could see other colors as well. They walked under the sign and the Doctor spread his arms out wide.

"This…is dedicated to Rose," he said.

"No shit, Sherlock, I wouldn't have guessed that if you hadn't told us," Jack said while Ianto giggled.

"I shall ignore the thick, dripping sarcasm coming from behind me and lead you all on a tour of this land," the Doctor said. "Come!"

They noticed that most of the rides had a rose theme to it and there were several bronze statues of Rose scattered throughout the land. The Doctor finally stopped them in front of a large canal. There was a low wooden dock parallel to the water and some boats were tied to little metal rings along the side of it. There were four motorboats, each decorated with red roses. The Doctor took Rose's hand and led her to the first boat. Jack looked at Ianto and shrugged before they followed them. The Doctor and Rose sat down in a red leather seat at the front of the boat and Jack and Ianto climbed into the seat behind them. The Doctor asked the TARDIS to untie the boat and as it drifted away from the dock, the motor suddenly turned on and the boat began to propel itself through the water.

"It's on a track under the water," the Doctor explained to everyone. "So just sit back and relax and enjoy the ride."

The boat went around the bend while the Doctor put his arm around Rose's shoulders and relaxed. When it cleared the bend and straightened out, they saw a huge building up ahead that the canal went through. There was a tunnel straddling the canal and inside it looked dark. The building was painted white with roses and above the tunnel was a painted picture of Rose's head along with the words, THE WORLD OF ROSE TYLER in big black letters.

"You actually made a ride out of Rose's life?" Jack said.

"Yeah, what's inside that could be that interesting?" Rose said to the Doctor.

The Doctor grinned and pointed at the tunnel in response. Rose relaxed and the Doctor squeezed her right shoulder as the boat glided inside. As they went inside, they looked to the left and saw an animatronic Rose standing on fake grass near the canal. She was waving to them.

"Welcome to my world," it said in Rose's voice.

"So when did you record my voice then?" Rose said, narrowing her eyes at the Doctor.

"I didn't. The TARDIS did," the Doctor said with a shrug.

"And you allowed that to happen?" Rose said to him.

"Ooo, do I smell a lawsuit?" Jack said to Ianto.

"This is just harmless fun, Rose, relax," the Doctor said.

Rose sighed but she relaxed and looked around her. Every few feet there was a tableau showing a scene from her life. She frowned when she saw an animatronic version of her mother holding her as a baby and then across from that was another animatronic Jackie cheering a five year old Rose on while she swung back and forth on a swing set.

"What is this? I didn't know you when I was a kid," Rose said to the Doctor as she pointed to the tableaus.

"This is a generalized depiction of your early years," the Doctor said, shrugging. "You never swung on a swing before?"

"I did but…never mind," Rose muttered.

"Just sit back and enjoy, Blondie, it'll be a lot less painful that way," Jack said, leaning up to her.

Rose's eyes widened when they came to a tableau of her as a teenager. She was standing by a table in what she guessed was a living room and yelling into a phone.

"I can't date you right now!" Robot Rose was saying. "I'm menstruating and being tetchy to all and sundry!"

"What?" Rose said to the Doctor while Jack and Ianto laughed.

"That was you as a hormonally imbalanced teenager," the Doctor said to Rose while Jack and Ianto sniggered.

"I don't say "to all and sundry" when I speak, that's you that says that!" Rose said to the Doctor while Jack and Ianto laughed harder. "You're putting words in my bleedin' mouth!"

"Wouldn't be the first time, Rose," Jack said.

She sat back, peeved as they neared another tunnel. Above the tunnel was a robot Rose head.

"Where's the rest of me body?" the head was saying.

"Oh, ha ha," Rose said while her three friends giggled.

They went through the tunnel.

"And now we come to a period of extreme boredom and despair," Rose heard herself say as they went through the darkened tunnel.

They came out the other side and Rose looked to her right. There was a tableau of her working at Henrick's. She was standing by a rack of shirts, holding one shirt in her hand while her other hand held a revolver to her head.

"Should I kill myself rather than work here?" Rose said while they passed.

"I wasn't that depressed, you git!" Rose said to the Doctor while Jack and Ianto howled with laughter. "I never held a gun to my head and threatened suicide. You're full of it!"

"Actually, I've been to Henrick's before and I'm surprised you didn't," Jack said.

They looked to the left and saw Rose sitting in a chair, weeping loudly.

"Is that supposed to be my depression as well?" Rose said to the Doctor.

"Well, you were working as a shopgirl and living with Jackie, I'd call that depressed and suicidal," the Doctor said to her.

Jack and Ianto laughed when Rose swatted his head. They came to another tunnel.

"What? No head above this one?" Rose said, pointing to the wall above it.

"Nah, I did that joke already," the Doctor said as they went inside.

The tunnel was dark at first and Rose rolled her eyes when she heard more cheesy weeping. Then suddenly, a bright golden light lit up the back end of the tunnel and the weeping stopped.

"Let me guess, this is where you came in to her life," Jack said, pointing to the golden light.

The Doctor gave them a cheesy grin as they came out of the tunnel. Rose's eyes bulged when she saw the tableau. It was her and the Ninth Doctor in a forest. The TARDIS was nearby and forest creatures were dancing with joy while the animatronic Doctor and Rose held hands and spun around giddily.

"Oh, is that what it was like before I came along?" Jack said, staring at the happy scene. "I was under the impression you were a dark, moody asshole, not Prince Charming to her Snow White."

"I don't like to dwell on negativity," the Doctor said airily.

Rose giggled when Jack let out a gigantic snort at that and nudged Ianto when they saw more dancing animals on the other side. Then he frowned when the boat stopped and he looked around.

"Snag in your ride, Doc?" he said to the Doctor.

"Just listen," the Doctor said, holding up his hand.

Suddenly, the forest creatures stopped dancing. Rose and Nine continued to spin while they opened their mouths and sang an altered version of Joy to the World.

"Joy to the world, the Ninth Doctor has come," they sang. "Let Rose receive her king. Let every voice just sing in tune and the Doctor and Rose will sing, the Doctor and Rose will sing, the Dooctor, the Doooctor and Rose will sing."

Jack and Ianto laughed when Rose put her head in her hands and moaned. Then the boat moved on while the Doctor playfully tousled Rose's hair.


	95. Chapter 95

Chapter Ninety Five

To Rose's surprise, the ride ended immediately after the happy dancing and singing and they went out another tunnel into the bright simulated sunlight and continued floating down the canal.

"Whooooo! Let's go through it again!" Jack said as he applauded. "Wow! That was an eerily accurate representation of Rose's life. I especially loved how me and Yan had no part in it whatsoever. Whooo!"

Rose laughed when the Doctor gave him an annoyed look.

"Well, you do see us sitting here, right?" Jack said. "Which means we entered Rose's life at some point, right? So where were we?"

"You were there…somewhere," the Doctor said vaguely. "Probably among the forest creatures."

"Uh-huh," Jack said as the boat rounded the bend.

They pulled up to the dock and the boat stopped near the empty space and moved sideways towards it. When the boat was next to the dock, it stopped and the TARDIS tied it to the dock. The Doctor helped Rose up onto the dock while Jack and Ianto got out.

"So what else is there in Rose Land?" Jack asked as they walked off the dock.

"Well, there is a haunted house ride," the Doctor said to them.

"Really? Is it filled with Daleks and monsters?" Jack said.

"No, that's in AdventureLand. This is something different," the Doctor said dismissively.

"Is it pants?" Rose asked him.

"No, why would you think that?" the Doctor said to her.

"Because that was pants!" Rose said, pointing back to the Rose covered building. "If this is your theme park, I would rather go to Disneyland!"

"Nah, you'd rather stay here and be with me, not some manky mouse," the Doctor said.

They passed by another statue and Rose stopped short when she got a good look at it. Statue Rose was on her knees, cowering with fear and begging for her life while Jackie stood over her, her hand raised as if to slap her. Jack and Ianto roared with laughter when Rose turned around and eyed the Doctor.

"Explain," she said, pointing to the statue.

"That commemorates the horror of Jackie's slaps to the face," the Doctor said.

"I never begged for my life while my mum towered over me and threatened to slap me," Rose said.

"Really? As hard as she slaps, I'm surprised," the Doctor said. "Come on, I have more surprises in store."

"You're gonna think surprises when I slap you into submission," Rose muttered as she followed the three men.

They passed by a little wooden trolley and Rose stopped again to look at what was on it. There were several rose colored perfume bottles. She picked up one of the glass bottles and examined it. The stopper was molded to look like a red rose and on the front of the bottle was a little label that said ROSE'S DELIGHT with a tiny drawing of a rose beneath it. Rose took the stopper out and sniffed the perfume. Her eyes widened with delight when she smelled the fragrant aroma.

"The TARDIS concocted that," the Doctor said behind her. "It's your own personal scent."

"I love it," Rose said, putting a little bit on her wrists and on her jugular vein. "I can have this?"

"Take it," the Doctor said.

Rose put the stopper back on the bottle and they continued on while she put the perfume in the pocket of her blue jeans. As they neared the haunted house ride, Rose stopped when she saw the Ninth Doctor up ahead. He was casually walking around and Rose's breath caught in her throat.

"So is that a robot?" Jack said.

"Yes. It's meant to be like the characters that stroll the theme parks for the tourist benefit," the Doctor said.

The robot Doctor caught sight of Rose. He smiled warmly and waved to her. Rose giggled and waved back.

"Enjoy your day," the robot said in the ninth Doctor's voice before he turned and continued his stroll.

"Wait!" Jack said, running to catch up with him.

The robot Doctor turned and his cheerful expression instantly turned into a scowl.

"Oh, what is it this time, Harkness? Libido on the rampage again?" he said mockingly to Jack while Jack stopped short. "You're always on about how you need me to take you somewhere sexual. Doctor, can you take me to a strip club? Doctor, can you take me to a brothel? When will it end?"

Rose laughed when Jack flipped the real Doctor off. She gave Jack a smug grin as she walked towards the robot Doctor. Immediately, the robot's expression brightened and he walked towards her, his arms opened wide. She walked into his arms and he closed them around her.

"Are you having a nice day?" the robot said tenderly to her.

"Yes, I am," Rose said, putting her arms around his neck.

"Good. I'm happy when you're happy," the robot said.

Jack came up behind the robot and tapped him on the shoulder. The robot sighed loudly and looked over his shoulder at him.

"I'm busy," he said in a condescending tone to Jack.

"I don't care," Jack said, mimicking the condescension. "I want you to pay attention to me now!"

"If I did that, I'd never get anything done because you would want me to look at you day and night," the Doctor said.

"Oh but Rose is worth your time," Jack said, enjoying the mock fight.

"Rose is definitely worth my time," the Doctor said smugly while Rose giggled. "You, on the other hand, are a space pirate with a raging libido who loves attention whenever he can get it! And who the hell are you?" he said when Ianto walked up to the robot. "How did you get inside my TARDIS?"

"Your next life let me in," Ianto said, pointing back to the real Doctor who was watching the whole scene with amusement.

The robot looked him over and then looked at Rose.

"Blimey, I let in all sorts of riffraff, don't I? First Adam, then Libido and finally…him," he said, looking at Ianto. "What happened to you and me?"

"I don't know. I s'pose you're a glutton for punishment," Rose said sweetly.

"Bang on! I am! Why else would I let the male model and…him in here?" the Doctor said to her. "Hey, you have a name?"

"Ianto," Ianto said.

"Welsh?"

"Yes," Ianto said.

"Where in Wales?" the Doctor said.

"Cardiff."

"Ick. I did you a favor by bringing you onboard then," the Doctor said while Rose laughed. "So, shall we go somewhere…secluded then?"

"Nope, sorry, she's with me," Ten said as he came up to the robot. "You had your shot, it's my turn now."

"Oh look, if it isn't the beanpole," the robot said while Jack chortled. "What was that you were saying about having my shot, Skinny?"

"Go on, go and make your rounds," Ten said, trying to pry his arms off Rose.

"Problems?" the robot said gleefully when Ten couldn't open his arms. "Feeling a bit weak around me? Maybe you should go and eat a sandwich, Mister Anorexic!"

"Rose, come on," Ten said, beckoning to her.

"Rose, I'm more of a man than this three stone weakling," the robot said to her. "Come with me and be mine once more."

"Nah, I think I better go with him," Rose said.

"What?" the robot said while Ten rolled his eyes. "You want this thing! I could bench press him and not even break a sweat and…"

He shut up when Ten whipped out his sonic and showed it to him.

"Let her go or get deactivated," Ten said to the robot.

The robot scowled at him and let go of Rose. The Doctor rolled his eyes and put his sonic back in his pocket while the robot walked away, muttering to himself about how weak and poncy his next self was. The Doctor glared at him for a moment before he told everyone to follow him.


	96. Chapter 96

Chapter Ninety Six

"So where to now?" Jack asked as they walked out of Rose Land.

"Well…there is Doctor Land, Terrorland, Adventure Land and Gallifrey Land," the Doctor said to them.

"Gallifrey Land!" Rose yelled.

"Yes, I just said that, are you deef?" the Doctor said to her. "Oh, oh! You mean you want to go there next. Why?"

"Because I want to see what Gallifrey looks like," Rose said with a shrug.

"Um…it doesn't look like a theme park, Rose," the Doctor said. "Going into Gallifrey Land will not give you the same experience as landing on my home planet."

"Well, just show us what's there then," Rose said, exasperated.

The Doctor grinned and pulled her close to him.

"You didn't want that manky robot, did ya?" he said while Jack sighed and looked at Ianto.

"Nah, I told him to let me go, are you deef?" Rose teased.

"No, my hearing is exceptional. I was just making sure you preferred the real me over the robot," he said to her.

"Jealous much, Doc?" Jack said.

"Perhaps we should go to Terrorland next," the Doctor said to Rose. "It has a torture chamber that we can put Harkness in."

"Is it anything like your non-scary graveyard?" Jack said.

"Rose, why must Jack taunt me when I'm trying to enrich his life?" the Doctor said to Rose.

"Because…Jack is Jack?" Rose said.

"Good point, Jack is most definitely Jack," the Doctor said.

"Yes, I am and you lot are the better for it," Jack said.

"No comment," the Doctor muttered to Rose while she giggled.

She held his hand while they walked. Up ahead she noticed a red dalek was gliding around. She glanced at the Doctor and saw the unconcerned look on his face and figured this was another theme park robot. The dalek stopped when it saw the Doctor.

"IT IS THE DOCTOR. HE MUST BE EXTERMINATED!" it yelled while it glided towards him.

The Doctor stopped and waited for it to come up to him. Everyone stopped with him and watched. The Doctor smirked when the dalek got close and when it was almost near he suddenly threw up his hands and screamed, "BOOGA BOOGA BOO!" The dalek let out a girly scream, spun around and zoomed away.

"Yup, I'm fearsome," the Doctor said as they resumed walking.

"Oh yes, you're a real holy terror alright," Jack said, rolling his eyes. "I'm surprised people don't drop dead at the sight of you."

"I know. I guess people have strong hearts," the Doctor said airily.

Rose suddenly stopped and the Doctor stopped with her and looked where she was looking. There was a big bronze statue off to the right. There was a statue of Rose standing in the middle of Nine and Ten. Both men had one arm each and they were pulling Rose almost as if they were trying to pull her apart while they were glaring at each other. The statue Rose had a distressed look on her face while they were doing it. Rose walked over to the marble base and looked at the bronze plaque on it. The plaque read…BACK OFF, SHE'S MINE! Rose looked over her shoulder at the Doctor who was now sniggering.

"What is this?" Rose said, pointing to the statue.

"Isn't it obvious? It's me in competition with myself for your affections," the Doctor said. "You did see a sampling of that earlier with the Doctor robot, right?"

"Okay, so where's the naked statue of me with the big breasts?" Rose said, walking back to him.

"There is no such thing. This is a family theme park. I wouldn't subject the kids to gratuitous nudity," the Doctor said.

"Okay, gotta ask now. What kids?" Jack said.

"Come on," the Doctor said, ignoring him while he took Rose's hand. "On to Gallifrey Land!"

"I'm guessing it's the kids he makes up inside his mentally ill mind," Jack muttered to Ianto as they followed them.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Gallifrey Land had a red and orange color scheme with fake trees with silver leaves on them. In the center of it was a tiny mockup of the Citadel inside a large glass dome. The paths were painted red to resemble the red grass and the walls were painted orange to represent the sky, the Doctor explained as they walked along. Rose noticed several wooden signs on some of the walls that said EMOTION PROHIBITED. Rose finally stopped at the third sign and pointed to it while she looked at the Doctor.

"What does that mean? You have emotions," Rose said.

"Yes, but I'm the…oddball of Gallifrey," the Doctor said.

"Got that right," Jack muttered to Ianto.

"Logic was highly prized on my planet. Emotion less so. I'm not saying that the Time Lords didn't have emotions. They just learned to control them at all times," the Doctor said.

"While you, on the other hand, are a crybaby blabberbutt who has more hormonial episodes than a pregnant woman," Jack said.

"I'm beginning to feel an emotion now actually," the Doctor said to Rose. "I believe it's called unbridled rage and it's going to be directed at Harkness if he doesn't button it."

"But that would indicate a loss of control," Jack teased as he poked him in the back.

"Yes, it would and unfortunately for you, you'll bear the brunt of it if you don't do the button it thing I requested a moment earlier," the Doctor said, keeping his eyes on Rose. "Anyway, just to have a bit of fun, get really emotional, Rose, and see what happens."

Rose thought for a moment and then scrunched her face up and pretended to cry.

"Keep going, more, more!" the Doctor said, looking around.

"Ham it up, Blondie!" Jack said.

Rose wailed and sobbed and grabbed her hair. Then suddenly she spied a man dressed in red Time Lord robes come out from behind a nearby wall. The man was holding a red Styrofoam bat in his red gloved hand. He had a stern look on his face as he approached Rose who by now had stopped her fake tears to watch him. Then suddenly the Time Lord began to smack her over the head with the foam bat.

"FOR RASSILON'S SAKE, CONTROL YOURSELF. YOU'RE ON GALLIFREY NOW!" the Time Lord said while he hit her with the bat.

Jack and Ianto fell into each other laughing while the Time Lord chased Rose around with the bat, smacking her on the head while he kept yelling at her to control herself.

"ALRIGHT, I HAVE MY EMOTIONS UNDER CONTROL! STOP!" Rose screamed at him while she covered her head.

"Screaming indicates a loss of emotions. You are not in control!" the Time Lord said as he continued to chase her with the bat.

"DOCTOR, TELL THIS BARKING MAD ROBOT TO STOP HITTING ME BEFORE I TEAR IT APART!" Rose screamed at the Doctor as she ran past him.

"That'll be all, good work," the Doctor said, holding up his hand to the robot when it was about to go past him. "You can relax now."

The robot nodded and Rose gasped for air while the robot went back behind the wall. Jack and Ianto giggled hysterically while Rose stomped back to the Doctor, a sour look on her face.

"I warned you about your emotions," the Doctor teased, wagging his finger at her.

"You know, I can see now why mum felt the need to slap you so much," Rose said while Jack giggled and tousled her hair.


	97. Chapter 97

Chapter Ninety Seven

"Behold, the history of my planet!" the Doctor said as they stopped in front of a huge rectangular building that was painted burnt orange. A large Time Lord similar to the one who chased Rose was painted on the side of it and he was pointing to large black lettering beside him that said HISTORY OF GALLIFREY. The Doctor led them to the side to a pair of metal doors that were painted orange. The doors had ENTER on both of them and the Doctor pulled the handle and allowed them to go inside.

When Rose, Jack and Ianto entered, they saw a large plaster model of Gallifrey. Rose examined it in fascination while the Doctor entered and closed the doors behind him.

"Gallifrey!" the Doctor's voice said as it boomed out of a speaker above them. "The greatest planet ever known. Here lived the mightiest of all the races, the Time Lords!"

"Ooo-ee-ooo," Jack said to the Ianto as he wiggled his fingers.

"The Time Lords were a species like no other," the recording said. "So much better than apes who have barely progressed beyond scratching their bums and picking fleas out of their hair."

"Oh, really?" Rose said to the Doctor, folding her arms over her chest.

"The exception to that is Rose Tyler who is super duper supreme among all humans," the recording said.

"Oh, okay then, that's fine with me," Rose said while the Doctor giggled.

"What about Ianto?" Jack said, pointing to him. "He's not super duper?"

"Ianto Jones is also super duper," the recording suddenly said. "And before Jack says something, he's not among the super duper so he shouldn't bother asking."

"Tee hee," Jack said dryly. "I'm guessing the TARDIS is listening in?"

"The TARDIS is indeed listening in," the recording said. "And having fun enjoying your fun."

"Well, I'm glad the TARDIS is having fun mocking me," Jack said.

"And now that you have seen the planet, progress further into the exhibit and see what made it so great," the recording said.

"Come on," the Doctor said, beckoning to his friends.

They followed him down a short passageway to a pair of black metal doors. The Doctor opened them and they walked in. They saw fake red grass and silver trees on either side of them. The background was painted burnt orange with two suns in the sky and in the distance was the citadel.

"This is the surface of Gallifrey," the recording said while they stood and looked at at the tableau. "The red grass, burnt orange sky and silver trees are typical of Gallifreyan topography. There were also oceans, mountains, forests and deserts. Gallifrey's ecology was just as varied as Earth and the flora was also abundant. Some described Gallifrey as a paradise unparalleled in the universe."

The lights dimmed and the Doctor beckoned for them to follow him. They walked to another pair of doors at the other end of the room and went into the next one. The next room looked like a lavish throne room. The walls were painted gold and there was gold leaf all over the floor. Off to their right was a woman sitting on a large gold throne while men and women prostrated themselves before her. The woman had extremely pale skin, blue eyes and long silvery hair that fell down to her breasts. She was wearing a pale blue linen dress with a gold collar around her neck. She had an imperious look on her face while she gazed at the worshippers.

"In the beginning, there was the Pythia," the recording said. "A powerful woman and an oracle who ruled over all through the power of her visions. She was a despot who treated other Gallifreyans like slaves and dirt. This woman had absolute power of life and death over her subjects. She ruled with an iron hand until a man called Rassilon rose up to defeat her."

A hidden door in the wall behind the throne opened and a young animatronic man with short brown hair slid out and slid along a track in the floor until he was beside the throne. The man wore silver robes and silver boots.

"This man is Rassilon, the defeater of the Pythia," the voice said as the Pythia robot rose up and left along another track that led to another hidden door in the wall. As the robot was leaving, the worshippers stood up and bowed at the waist to the Rassilon robot.

"Rassilon took control and so began the golden age of the Time Lords," the voice said.

The lights dimmed and they moved on to the next room. The next room had Time Lord robots standing in groups on either side of them, looking down at them haughtily.

"Thanks to Rassilon, the Time Lords became the administrators and protectors of Gallifrey," the voice said. "However, there were some who dared to show emotion and they were dealt with severely!"

A hidden door opened behind the Time Lords to their left and Rose's eyes bulged when she saw an animatronic version of herself zooming along a track while a robot Time Lord hit her on the head with a foam bat. Jack and Ianto laughed while they listened to the Rose robot's high-pitched screams while she and the Time Lord zoomed around and around on a circular track beside the standing Time Lords.

"Yeah, that's hilarious, that is," Rose said to the Doctor.

"Blame the TARDIS, she's controlling all this," the Doctor said with a shrug.

Rose chuckled when he nudged her side and watched while her robot self went around and around while the Time Lord robot hit her repeatedly on the head with the bat.

"Yes, emotions were a big no-no in the logical environment of Gallifrey," the voice said.

"So where are you in all this?" Rose said to the Doctor. "You're not included in this?"

The Doctor shrugged.

"Told ya, the TARDIS is controlling this," the Doctor said.

"Then how'd ya know about the Time Lord with the bat then?" Rose said.

"TARDIS told me," the Doctor said, tapping his temple. "Telepathy. She told me to tell you to get emotional and see what happens."

"So she's enjoying this?" Rose said. "She loves seeing me get assaulted by a robot with a bat?"

"She's very bored," the Doctor said. "She has to find entertainment whenever she can."

Rose rolled her eyes and grinned when the Doctor poked her side. The lights dimmed again and they went into the next room. Rose did a double take when they entered the next room and she saw an enormous pair of feet and legs on either side of them. The legs wore the brown trousers the Doctor wore and when they craned their necks up, they realized they were looking at a fifty foot statue of the Doctor. They stepped back to get a better view. The Doctor was standing with his hands on his hips while he raised his head in a haughty manner.

"And now, the greatest of all Time Lords, the Doctor," the voice said.

"So are we supposed to be ants compared to you?" Ianto said, pointing up.

"Yes, mere mortals are ants compared to the Doctor," the voice said.

"I suppose that means yes," the Doctor said.

"Is the Doctor gay then?" Jack yelled out.

He waited for the TARDIS to echo his statement. For a moment there was only silence and then they heard…

"The Doctor is a great humanitarian, a leader among men, a culture vulture and a chic dresser," the voice said.

"But is he gay?" Jack yelled out.

"The Doctor can blend in with any surrounding, can become anyone," the voice said.

"But is he gay?" Jack yelled.

The Doctor robot lowered his head and looked right at Jack.

"NO!" it bellowed in a deep, booming voice before raising his head to the sky again.

"I think that was the answer to your question," Ianto said to Jack.

"Ya think?" Jack said while Rose snickered.

Rose noticed a hidden door opening in the wall off to their right. Her eyes bulged when another Rose robot came out, came up to the Doctor's shoe and bent over it. They heard a big kissing sound and then the robot leaned back up and did it again and again and again. Jack and Ianto laughed when Rose looked at the Doctor and raised her eyebrow.

"So is this me worshipping you then?" she asked, pointing to the robot.

"You don't worship me?" the Doctor said innocently. "I mean, I thought you bent down and kissed my feet all the time."

"No, I think it's your ass she kisses," Jack said.

"Button it, Harkness," Rose said while the Doctor sniggered.

"They can't show that because the arse is way up there," Ianto said, pointing up.

"Oh yeah, that's right," Jack said. "And in order to reach it, Rose would have to be bigger than ant size and then the proportions would be wrong."

Robot Rose leaned back up after another kissing of the shoe.

"I worship the Doctor," the robot said. "He is my god."

"I do not," Rose said to the TARDIS while the three men giggled. "For a ship, you're really cheeky, you know that?"

The three men shut up when Rose was suddenly bathed in a pink light that covered her whole body. A contented look came over her face and she sighed happily.

"What was that all about?" Jack said to the Doctor while he gestured to Rose.

"That was the TARDIS giving Rose love and affection and happy feelings," the Doctor said. "Call it a love light, it makes you feel all warm and cozy inside."

"Oh really? Can I have some of the love light?" Jack said to the ceiling.

He waited and gave the TARDIS a peeved look when the lights dimmed and the robots stopped moving.

"She just said no, keep moving," the Doctor said to Jack.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Jack muttered as the Doctor patted him on the shoulder and they walked towards the other end of the room.


	98. Chapter 98

Chapter Ninety Eight

When they finally reached the final door and came outside, Jack noticed that the red dalek was five feet away, watching them. Jack grinned and flipped it off while they went past. He took several steps and noticed there was a whirring sound behind him. He looked behind him and noticed the dalek was now following him.

"Buzz off, Tin Man," Jack said to it.

The dalek said nothing and continued to follow him. Jack shrugged and turned his attention back to the front while the others headed out of Gallifrey Land. On the way out, they passed a food cart. Rose smelled something sizzling from a little metal box on the top of it. She let go of the Doctor's hand and walked over to it.

"Oi!" the Doctor said behind her.

Rose ignored him and walked over to the cart. She took a deep breath and smelled a smoky, fishy smell. Her mouth watered and she looked to her left and right, trying to locate a robot who would give her some of it. She felt something press up against her back and looked over her shoulder. The Doctor was standing up against her, an angry look on his face.

"Who gave you permission to let go of my hand?" he said while Jack and Ianto walked up behind him. "I gave no such permission to let go of my hand. My hand is cold now because of your insolence."

"Piss off," Rose said good naturedly.

"Not until you take my hand again," the Doctor teased as he held his right hand up to her. "It's cold, it needs warmth and security."

Jack grinned and threaded his fingers through the Doctor's. He figured the Doctor would jerk his hand away and say something sarcastic but to his surprise, the Doctor stepped back into him.

"See, this is what happens when you neglect me," the Doctor said to Rose. "I'm forced to find others to hold my hand."

"Hard cheese, mate, I'm gonna get some of this food," Rose said with a shrug. "Where's someone who can give me some?"

"I'm someone," the Doctor said. "But now I'm comfortable next to Jack so I can't serve you nibbles."

"Ianto, can you give me some of this?" Rose said to him.

Ianto started to move around the back of the cart when he suddenly spied the Ninth Doctor robot approaching the cart. Rose looked over and grinned when he walked up to her.

"Are you hungry?" he said.

"Yes, can you give me some?" Rose said, pointing to the box.

Nine moved around the back of the cart. He opened a small door in the back and took out a small Styrofoam bowl and a plastic fork. He then opened the side of the box and Rose breathed in the smoky, fishy scent while Nine used some tongs to put some of the food in the bowl. He put the tongs away in the cabinet, closed both doors and walked around the cart. He smiled tenderly as he gave Rose the food.

"Thank you," Rose said to the robot.

The robot rewarded her with a pat to the head before turning to walk off.

"Hey! What about the rest of us?" Jack said. "We're hungry too."

"Tongs, bowls and forks are in there," Nine said, pointing to the back of the cart before walking off.

"I hope you rust!" Jack yelled at him while the Doctor giggled.

The Doctor let go of Jack's hand and walked around the cart while Rose examined the food in the bowl. She realized that what she was smelling resembled purple octopus tentacles.

"What is this?" she said to the Doctor while Jack and Ianto leaned in and looked into her bowl.

"Malaganga," the Doctor said, opening the cabinet door. "Species of squid but less rubbery and tenderer than calamari. Try it."

Rose speared a tentacle with her fork. She picked it up and rotated the fork, looking at the tentacle before tentatively putting it in her mouth. Her eyes widened when she realized it tasted good. She slurped in the last of the tentacle and chewed it while she picked up another with her fork. While she did that, the Doctor prepared three bowls and gave one to Jack and Ianto before he put everything back and closed the doors. He took his bowl and fork and walked around the cart.

"Synthetic food obviously since the malaganga perished with Gallifrey but it's close enough."

"I love it, it's really good," Rose said.

Rose noticed the Doctor's happiness at hearing that and she was glad she was able to share a bit of his home world, even if it was through synthetic means. When she finished her bowl, she went around and got another helping, ignoring Jack's teasing about making a pig of herself. When she got another bowlful and put everything away, they turned to go on. Jack froze when he noticed the dalek robot had been behind him the whole time.

"What's this, a dalek stalker?" Jack said. "Shoo! Go away!" he said to the dalek.

"I LOVE YOU!" the dalek said.

"What?" Jack said while everyone else giggled. "Okay, that's even creepier than hearing it say exterminate. I…gah, go away!" Jack said when the dalek moved closer to him and nuzzled his chest with its eyestalk. "Go and find…something to kill. Go find that asshole Doctor robot and blow him away."

Jack walked around the dalek and looked back over his shoulder. Everyone laughed when he started running the moment the dalek began to follow him. The dalek sped up and everyone laughed while Jack ran towards the entrance with the dalek yelling, "I LOVE YOU!" to him.

"TARDIS, quit being an asshole to me!" Jack screamed up at the ceiling as he ran through the entrance.

The dalek stopped at the entrance, turned around and glided away.

"So, shall we move on to the next land then?" the Doctor said to the others.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

When the Doctor led the others out into the hub, Jack was sitting on a bench finishing the last of his malaganga.

"Your TARDIS needs to learn to be less bored," Jack said while they walked up.

"Eh, she's just taking the mickey out of ya, Harkness, play along," the Doctor said, waving his hand dismissively. "So…where do we go next?"

"Terrorland," Rose said.

"How about Weight Watchers land since Rose needs to work off the two bowls of squid she just ate?" Jack said.

"How about Coffeeland?" Ianto said to them.

"There is no…"

The Doctor stared to tell him there was no Coffeeland when he suddenly noticed the TARDIS making a new land. He pointed to it and Ianto beamed as he walked towards the entrance. The entrance gate was formed by two enormous cups of coffee that acted as pillars for the entrance sign.

"Only Ianto would get any joy out of this land," Jack said while he watched him enter.

"Should we follow him?" Rose asked the Doctor.

"Are you interested in coffee?" the Doctor asked her.

"Not really," Rose said with a shrug.

They looked through the entrance gate and noticed Ianto was at a coffee cart pouring a cup of coffee for himself.

"I wanna go to Terrorland," Rose said, pointing behind her to another entrance gate whose pillars were in the shape of two bloody axes. "Let Ianto stay in Coffeeland for a moment."

"You kids go and explore Terrorland. I'll stay with Yan and meet you there when he's done having a coffee orgasm," Jack said.

"Kid? I'm older than you are, Harkness," the Doctor said.

He paused a moment and closed his eyes. A grin spread over his face and he took Rose's empty bowl and fork and set it down on the ground at her feet. Rose looked at it and gave him a confused look. She was going to pick it up when the Doctor stopped her and told her to wait.

"What happens now? A robot comes along and gets it?" Rose said, looking around.

Her eyes widened when suddenly the Time Lord robot ran out of Gallifrey Land with his bat and made a beeline for her.

"NO LITTERING IN THE PARK, YOUNG LADY!" he bellowed at he ran at her.

"I DIDN'T DO IT!" Rose yelled and the Doctor and Jack laughed hysterically when the Time Lord robot chased her around the hub, trying to hit her with the baseball bat while he bellowed about how litterers should be punished severely. The Doctor giggled as he bent down and threw the empty bowl and fork in a nearby rubbish bin. He then called the Time Lord robot off Rose and ordered him to go back to his land.

"Sorry, Rose, the TARDIS told me to do it," the Doctor said when Rose gave him a sour look and walked back to him and Jack.


	99. Chapter 99

Chapter Ninety Nine

"So, ready to face terror?" the Doctor said, taking Rose's hand while Jack sauntered into Coffeeland.

"Ready and willing," Rose said.

"That eager to face terror, eh?" the Doctor teased as they walked towards the entrance.

"Well, I have a feeling that since the TARDIS is controlling it, it won't be that terrifying," Rose said.

They walked through the entrance. The color scheme was mostly black and grey and everything had a sort of spooky, Halloween feel to it. They were heading towards a big black building near the back when suddenly the Fourth Doctor robot ran out from behind a blackberry shrub.

"No, you mustn't! Danger!" he said, holding his hands out in front of them.

"Who is this then?" Rose said to her Doctor.

"My fourth life," he said.

"Oh yeah? What's with the enormous scarf then?" Rose teased.

"I liked that scarf," the Doctor said.

Rose walked up to the Fourth Doctor.

"Wotcha," she said to him.

"Do I know you?" the Fourth Doctor said, looking her up and down.

"No. But I know yoooou," Rose said in a sing-song voice.

"Fascinating," Four said. "Now. If you'll be so kind as to turn around and go out the way you came…"

"Where'd ya get this?" Rose said, picking up the end of the scarf.

"The TARDIS," Four said, plucking it out of her hand. "Now, you're going to leave, right?"

"Wrong!" Rose said, before walking further into Terrorland.

"Is this one thick?" Four said to Ten.

"Um, sometimes. But the times when she isn't more than makes up for it. Carry on."

Four shook his head and muttered to himself about himself and his companions becoming thick in the future while he walked away.

"That's not like you. You'd be walking headlong into danger," Rose said, turning when the Doctor caught up to her. "You wouldn't be warning against it."

"Maybe that's because the terror is so terrifying," the Doctor said, coming close to her.

"Ooo, so I should stay close to ya?" Rose purred as she came closer to him.

"You didn't in the past, why start now?" the Doctor said.

He chuckled when Rose slapped his chest painfully and took hold of her hand.

"Hey, we're all alone in here now," Rose said, staying close to his arm while they walked along. "Shouldn't we go get Jack?"

"Hell no, let him and Ianto stay in Coffeeland," the Doctor said. "At last I have you all to myself."

Suddenly the Sixth Doctor came out from behind another shrub.

"Turn back, you must go back!" he said, waving his arms around.

"That's you as well?" Rose said, pointing to the robot while the Doctor groaned and put his hand over his face. "What the hell are you wearing? Were you on acid or something?"

"No, I had a mental problem during that life that came from lack of bat's milk in the life before that life. Anyway…" the Doctor said, pulling her away from the robot. "On towards that building over there."

They passed by an exhibit and Rose slowed when she noticed it was a series of glass tubes. There were ten tubes and in each was one of the Doctor's lives. The robot Doctors were groaning and their faces were contorted in agony while fake electricity snaked over their bodies. The Doctor stopped with Rose while she looked the exhibit over.

"This really happen to ya?" Rose said to her Doctor while she pointed to it.

"Sorta, kinda," the Doctor said, shrugging. "Not like this though."

He noticed that Rose was looking at the tubes containing the ninth and tenth Doctors and he took her hand when he saw the distressed look on her face. He pulled her into a hug.

"Hey, this isn't real, yeah?" he said to her.

"I know. But…just thinking about it happenin' to ya. It made me uneasy," Rose said.

"Wanna go somewhere else then?" the Doctor said.

"Nah, I'll be alright. Let's go explore," Rose said.

The Doctor kissed the top of her head and took her hand. They walked towards the black building along a path lined with blackberry shrubs. As they neared the building, Rose could pick out skulls and skeletons on the sides of the building.

"Is that a ghost train?" Rose asked him.

"Dunno, let's find out," the Doctor said.

Suddenly, a big furry creature jumped out of the shrubs in front of them and started to lumber towards them.

"What's that?" Rose said.

"It's a Yeti," the Doctor said.

"Looks like a walking fur ball," Rose said while the Yeti lumbered towards her.

"It was a robot, even before it became a robot here," the Doctor said.

Rose giggled and pretended to be scared while the robot slowly followed her.

"Help, Doctor," Rose said melodramatically while she put her hand to the back of her head. "Save me!"

The Doctor grinned. He walked up behind the Yeti and tapped it on the shoulder. The Yeti turned, let out a girly scream and ran away.

"So…does the letting out a scream and running away happen often with ya?" Rose said, walking over to him.

"Not in real life unfortunately," the Doctor said, taking her hand.

They reached the building and walked up to a pair of black metal doors. On the doors was ENTER IF YOU DARE in white lettering and ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE. The Doctor opened the doors, stuck his head inside and let out a girly scream while Rose giggled. He quickly took his head back out and shut the door again.

"Nah, too terrifying. Let's go to Flower and Sunshine Land instead," he said to Rose.

Rose stuck her tongue out, ran to the door, opened it and went inside. The Doctor walked over and opened the door.

"You never listen to me, do ya?" he said before following her inside.


	100. Chapter 100

Chapter One Hundred

"Mmm," Jack said while he took a sip of coffee. "Not bad. The TARDIS can make a mean pot of coffee when she wants to."

"I can do better," Ianto said.

"Then why are you drinking it?" Jack said, pointing to his nearly empty mug.

"Because I needed a cup of coffee just now," Ianto said.

"Ah, taking a break from all the craziness?" Jack said.

"Something like that," Ianto said. "Besides the Doctor and Rose need to be alone once in awhile just like we need our alone time."

"Oh, I see. You're allowing them to go in some dark building and snog," Jack said.

Ianto shrugged and took another sip of coffee. Jack finished off his coffee, set the mug down on the cart and stepped away from it, taking a look out the entrance gate at what the Doctor and Rose were doing. He could see them in the distance heading for a large black building inside Terrorland.

"Ah-ha, I think you're right, Yan. I think they are going for a little snog time," Jack said, walking back to him.

"Then leave them be and let them have it," Ianto said.

"Drat, I wanted to scare them," Jack said.

Ianto grinned and touched the back of his neck. Jack shivered with pleasure.

"On second thought, I could stay in Coffeeland a bit longer," he said, turning to embrace his lover.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Rose stood inside the building and looked around. She was in a dimly lit passageway with lights so low she could barely see in front of her. She looked over her shoulder when the Doctor entered and quickly slammed the door, a maniacal look on his face.

"We are in the jaws of doom now," he said dramatically.

"What do we do now?" Rose said in a hushed voice.

"I shall save you!" the Doctor said, raising a finger into the air before he strutted past her.

Rose giggled when he stopped about five feet away and looked around. Then he looked back at her with wide eyes.

"In here there could be anything," he said, his eyes bulging.

"Ooo, we'll never survive then," Rose said.

"Perhaps we will if we stay together," the Doctor said, walking back to her.

"But I wander off," Rose said.

"I know, that's why I think we're done for," the Doctor said. "Shall we proceed anyway?"

"Yeah, what the hell, we can't live forever," Rose said, taking her hand.

The Doctor and Rose froze when they suddenly heard a booming voice over their heads.

"YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE, DOCTOR!" the deep voice said. "YOU AND YOUR COMPANION ARE DOOMED! DOOMED! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Ooo, that sounds serious," Rose said.

"YOU WILL NEVER DEFEAT ME!" the Doctor boomed up at the ceiling while Rose giggled. "I WILL DEFEAT YOU. I SWEAR IT!"

"WE SHALL SEE, ONCOMING STORM!" the voice boomed back.

"You're not the boss of me!" the Doctor said, stomping up the passageway. "Nothing can stop me! Observe my bravery!"

He stopped and with an impish look on his face walked over to the wall and put his finger on it.

"HA! I AM INVINCIBLE!" the Doctor boomed up at the ceiling while Rose laughed. "See this! I'm touching your wall! I…"

Rose screamed when a fake axe suddenly came out of nowhere and sliced through the air directly behind her before embedding itself in the floor behind her feet. She turned and looked at it.

"Hey, I wasn't doing or saying anything. He was!" Rose said to the ceiling while the Doctor giggled.

"Doesn't matter. You made the mistake of allying yourself with me and now you're doomed, DOOMED!" the Doctor said, walking over to her.

"Must we go in?" Rose said, feigning fear. "It's dark and scary in there!"

"I shall protect you, my cream puff crumpet person thingy human," the Doctor said, hugging her while Rose laughed.

"Your cream puff, what?" Rose said when he let go.

The Doctor winked and took her hand. They walked slowly down the corridor, trying to see in the dim lighting. Rose kept looking around, trying to make sure they didn't bump into any walls or trip. The Doctor grunted when he ran into a pair of metal doors that were painted black.

"I was trying to keep an eye out for things like that," Rose said to him. "I'm more afraid of tripping in here."

"Nah, the TARDIS would remove any obstacles in our path. She's not that sadistic," the Doctor said, feeling the door for the handle.

He finally found the metal handle and opened the door. They listened a moment and heard crackling from electricity. Whatever was beyond the door had no lighting whatsoever so the Doctor and Rose carefully slipped inside. When the door closed, they stood there in the darkness listening to the crackling sound.

"Is this it?" Rose said. "Because this isn't sca…"

"Doctor, help!"

Rose shut up when she heard her own voice off to the right. The lights suddenly came up and both the Doctor and Rose shielded their eyes for a moment until they could see. To their right was a laboratory tableau. A robot of Rose was strapped to a table while a wild eyed man stood over her. The man was Asian with grey hair that was sticking up as if he'd been shocked. The man was wearing a lab coat and surgical gloves. He was grinning at Rose while the robot struggled to get free.

"Doctor, help me!" Robot Rose yelled.

"Soon, I will take out your brain," the Asian man said. "And replace it with the brain of a monkey. Then you will be my pet forever!"

"Monkey?" Rose said to the Doctor.

"Don't ask me, I'm not in charge of this," the Doctor said with a shrug.

The lights came up on the left side and they turned to look at a robot Tenth Doctor trapped inside a glass prison. He was calling Rose's name while he pounded on it.

"When has this ever happened?" Rose said to her Doctor while the Asian man cackled at the Doctor.

"I think it's stereotypical scenes of terror," the Doctor said. "Actually, this is quite interesting. Will I escape and save you before you become a monkey human?"

He let out a disappointed moan when the lights went out on both sides and the tableau fell silent.

"I'm thinking this means you won't get to find out then?" Rose said as the Doctor took her hand and they walked to the other end of the room. The Doctor opened another door and they went inside. This room was lit up and there were aliens and creatures on either side of them, frozen in menacing poses. Rose recognized the Dalek and Slitheen and Cyberman but she had to ask the Doctor about the others.

"Well," the Doctor said, pointing to the statues as he spoke. "This is an Ice Warrior and this is an Axon. Over here is a Zygon and that's a Silurian. These are old enemies of mine."

"Weird," Rose said, looking at everything. "I hope I don't meet the rest of these things."

They walked to the other end of the room and went through the doors. In the next rooms were different tableaus, nine in all. Rose noticed a statue of the Ninth Doctor near the back. A statue of herself was standing with him inside the console room while golden light came from the statue's wrists and necks.

"What's all this?" Rose said to the Doctor.

"I believe…these are scenes depicting my regenerations," the Doctor said, looking around.

Rose walked up to the first one and stared at it in fascination. An elderly man was lying on the floor while several people knelt beside him.

"This was my first life," the Doctor said. "I died of old age and exhaustion basically. The first life a Time Lord ages naturally and the old hearts gave out on me."

He took Rose's hand and led her past all the tableaus explaining what happened in each of them. Rose listened with silent fascination while he described his deaths to her until they got to the ninth Doctor.

"This one you know about," the Doctor said.

Rose shook her head.

"Why you aren't completely barking mad…" she said.

"What do you mean?" the Doctor said.

"All these horrible deaths you went through and you're not completely bonkers now?" Rose said. "Didn't they hurt?"

"Yes, but Time Lord bodies are designed to bounce back from all that stress," the Doctor said with a shrug. "Most of the time the pain didn't last long. Going into shock took care of that."

"Yeah, but…you fell off a radio telescope tower?" Rose said, pointing back to the fourth Doctor lying on the ground surrounded by his companions.

"Yeah, but on that one I went into shock very quickly. It wasn't as bad as you might think," the Doctor said with another shrug. "Being poisoned was more painful than that," he added, gesturing to the statue of the Fifth Doctor. "Death isn't as terrifying as you think. There are things much more terrifying than that."

He took her hand and they went into the next room. The next room was completely dark and the Doctor shut the door and waited with Rose. Then they heard the Tenth Doctor's voice coming from the right.

"No!" the voice said. "No, get away from me! Don't do this!"

"Wow, you sound terrified, must be something horrible," Rose said to the Doctor.

The lights came up and Rose laughed. There was a tableau of the console room and a robot Tenth Doctor was up against the railing while Jack came at him, naked and erect.

"No!" the robot said as it held out his hand to the naked Jack. "Anything but this!"

Rose bent over laughing while the Doctor looked up at the ceiling and raised his eyebrow.

"Been peeking into Jack's fantasies again?" the Doctor said to the TARDIS.

"Wow! Been raped by Jack in the console room, that's truly terrifying," Rose said, poking the Doctor in the side.

"Yeah, I agree. This tops the other terrifying things by far," the Doctor said.

The lights went out again and the Doctor and Rose were plunged into darkness.

"Um…could you give us a bit of light so we can find the other door?" the Doctor said to the TARDIS.

There was no answer and the room remained dark.

"Another horror to come?" Rose said.

"Apparently so. I'm not feeling around in the dark for the door so…"

He fell silent.

"What's wrong?" Rose said.

"I heard the first door open just now," the Doctor said. "Apparently something else is about to happen."

They waited a moment in the darkness.

"I hear breathing," Rose said softly.

"So do I. Whatever it is, it's alive and…"

Suddenly, the lights came up and the real Jack Harkness jumped at them and yelled "RAAAAAR!" He gave them a peeved look when neither of them screamed or showed any reaction.

"Yup, that's truly terrifying alright," the Doctor said to Rose.

"What the hell is this?" Jack said, pointing to the tableau.

"That's you, about to rape me," the Doctor said.

"Does your ship hate me or something?" Jack said to the Doctor.

"No, my ship is trying to make us laugh," the Doctor said with a shrug.

"Oh yeah, that's really funny," Jack said dryly. "Anyway, Yan and I are finished. He's waiting outside but I decided to come in here and try to scare you."

"And the TARDIS complied with that by turning out the lights on us so apparently she doesn't hate you," the Doctor said.

"Not to mention you're not the one getting assaulted by the Time Lord with the bat," Rose said.

Jack chuckled.

"Yup, I guess the TARDIS does hate you more, Blondie," he said, tousling her hair. "So, shall we go?"

"Follow us," the Doctor said before they turned and walked towards the other end of the room.


End file.
